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Original poster

Just caught husband having a affair

176 replies

twirlytwo · 21/04/2017 13:07

Just went through my husbands phone and saw he has been having an affair with his best friends wife . It's been going on months , lots of pics and text , I've screen shot them and sent to my brother , I've called my dad. I'm sitting in McDonald with my girls I don't want to go home , how do I keep it together . I'm on shock , I can't even think , please help me . I've read this same scenario on here but never thought it could happen to me . There is undeniable proof , I just am numb , where do I go from here . I just want to scream and scream but I can't !!!

OP posts:
Oldbrownowl · 21/04/2017 14:33

i'm sorry this is happening to you.

I would do as pp suggest and get all info needed before you say anything to him, personally I would also pack my stuff and leave to move back to your family if you can and then tell him you've left.

AuldHeathen · 21/04/2017 14:34

Does the child benefit go to your own account or into a joint acc? Make sure when you pack papers you have a copy of the Child Ben number if you need to get it off a joint acc. It's not much but it adds up and it should go to you as you have the care of the girls.

wtffgs · 21/04/2017 14:35

What a complete shitbag he and his girlfriend areAngry

You are going to get through this. Being an LP is soooo much better than being married to a knob

UnMN hugs and BlushFlowers

0live · 21/04/2017 14:37

If he owns any part of the property that you live in then you DO have rights. You need to see a solicitor.

nigelforgotthepassword · 21/04/2017 14:41

Sorry op...
As others have said I would wait til he's gone, get hold of as much finance stuff as you can if you can bear to, pack the stuff up for your girls and you for the weekend and get off to your family.
Ring him when you get there to tell him where you are and why.
I wouldn't engage in further conversation with him than that just yet, as much as you must want to scream at him.You need to get your head around it without his bullshit excuses clouding your thinking. (And also your radio silence will have him and her panicking re what you are going to do about telling her husband, and although that could be seen as a bit vindictive, it's far less than they deserve).

Make sure you eat and drink-little and often...you are in shock now and you need to make sure you are fuelling up even when you don't feel like it.

socialengineering · 21/04/2017 14:44

Wow, his own best friend! How could the wife think that he would ever be faithful to her if he can't be to his current wife or best friend? Also, she knows and has spent time with your children, and wants children with him?? Is she unable to have children with her disabled husband so is stealing yours???

Well done for getting all evidence, get documents and forward everything to the best friend. Personally I say guck dignity! If your leaving Scotland then tear them a new one!

Hugs for you

AuldHeathen · 21/04/2017 14:51

Olive, that's what I thought too from the brief read I had. But my brain's a bit minced today and I didn't want to raise false hope. In Scotland it seems you can get all assets divided equally from the day the separation begins. It's complicated though but my reading of it is that the flat you are living in is classed as the matrimonial home, and because you are married to the shitbag and he owns a part of it you can still have a claim for part of it. And because they count the marital assets as on the date you stop sharing a roof, even if his family do the dirty and, for example, change ownership to his parents, you still have a claim on his part of the ownership from today or tomorrow or whenever you leave or chuck him out. You still need a lawyer.

Another thing about you leaving Scotland for good or a long period, is access to legal advice will be much harder. You can't use a lawyer trained in the English system only. Maybe you could phone a law firm this afternoon and try to get a first appointment before you go away. Obviously that makes it all the harder though. Maybe, and others will disagree maybe, but once you've gathered the documents you need, contact him briefly, tell him to go away, not to come home tonight, but don't engage him in conversation. It's a bugger that it's Friday.

e1y1 · 21/04/2017 15:06

What an arsehole.
Nothing to add that hasn't been said here, but Flowers

Bloomed · 21/04/2017 15:11

Good advice here. Get proof (screenshots) get your affairs in order and tell his best friend.

innagazing · 21/04/2017 15:16

You have no security in a flat that's owned by his family. You have nothing to lose by leaving.

I don't know Scottish Law at all, but I wouldn't assume that the above statement is true!

You've been living in the property and so although they will probably be able to evict you if they wanted to go down the legal route, this would take months. I would imagine that you may have considerable legal rights, even if husband isn't living there, and you need to get some urgent legal advice about it. If it belongs in part to the husband then that maybe strengthens your financial claim to it and your right to have stay in the marital home

In some ways, you may be better off chucking your husband out now and changing the lock today, and staying in the flat for the time being while you consider what you're going o do next. Just leaving today and driving hundreds of miles with the kids while you're in shock is far from ideal.

As an aside really, you leaving just makes it so easy for him to continue to stay in the home, and even to move OW in with him. I would want to make things as difficult as possible for him, but I'm bloody minded

Is there any family members that could come and stay with you?

PrettyGoodLife · 21/04/2017 15:20

Nothing useful to add, just sending you Flowers
I hope you can find the space to think long term to get the best deal so that you can get your life back on track.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/04/2017 15:28

Posters above have given good practical advice on what you need to do regarding documents, leaving, etc.

As far as today, you will have to go home if your phone is dying. If you look like you've been crying, ask for a cup of ice at McDs and try to get the puffiness/redness down. Take some deep breaths. Keep repeating to yourself "I've got a plan but I need to keep quiet" even if it's a half-formed plan. When you get home, remain very quiet and tell him you have a mahoosive headache/period pain/upset tummy but you'll 'be ok'. Something that will account for you being 'off' but not so much that he may suggest taking off from work to take care of the kids for you (if he even would!).

Once he's gone, if this works for you, send him a text "I know about you and

AuldHeathen · 21/04/2017 15:30

I am pretty sure that because the flat is a matrimonial asset, OP might be entitled to part of his share of the flat. Also, under law the children are entitled to a home, and that would be the family home at this stage.

PornSamMartini · 21/04/2017 15:38

Tell him to fuck off and smack him round the head with a frying pan! obvs not in front of the kids! Here for you girlfriend Flowers

justmatureenough2bdad · 21/04/2017 15:40

from what has been said, the flat isn't a matrimonial asset....it sounds like it is owned by the family company he works for..obviously if you pay rent then you have some rights with regard to how soon they could get you out.

much as it is often said, if you do jointly pay rent/have a lease or something like that, you can't just go and change the locks or force him to leave... he is absolutely not in the right, but that doesn't mean locking him out of his home is allowed. (especially so if it's not your property)

further, while this is a horrible for you, you do also have to consider the rights of your children with regard to family life...it is not necessarily fair on them to deprive them of regular access to their father by moving 5 hours away because of how he has treated you. If he wished to remain involved in his children's lives then this is something he will definitely contest.

With regard to parental access, he hasn't done anything that would warrant anything other than 50/50 shared rights assuming he pursues that, so you would need to be prepared for that and the impact on your time with them and potential maintenance payments.

remain calm and dignified and don't do anything rash just because it makes you feel better....also be careful about who you send information/pictures to avoid "revenge porn" type issues.

BeyondThePage · 21/04/2017 15:42

If you do online banking remember to change the password on YOUR account if he has ever had access to it in the past.

AgathaF · 21/04/2017 15:44

I'm so sorry for you.

Get all the stuff together that has been previously advised. Anything that proves his income and assets, and all the legal stuff/certs you need for you and your DC.

Phone the person you're closest to (your brother or Dad?) and tell them and get their support. You need to get yourself and your DC back home to your family for the support. There's nothing to keep you in Scotland any more.

goingtotown · 21/04/2017 15:51

If you leave the marital home it could be a long time before the divorce, so being realistic would your family be able to let you & the children stay with them for any length of time, it's a big ask. See a solicitor on Monday for proper legal advice. You need support this weekend, hopefully a family member can stay with you.

123MothergotafleA · 21/04/2017 15:51

Bless you and your girls, Twirly.
I second whacking him over the head with the frying pan,and then a kick in the goolies for good measure.
On second thoughts...... better not, it will only upset the children.
What a complete bollox he is for sure. You don't think so now, but you will be better off without him.

PollyPerky · 21/04/2017 15:51

I'm sorry but leaving the family home may not be the best move legally.

I don't see why the need to run away? I understand the shock but is it not better to stay at home and talk to him? Find a way forward?
No one can throw or lock someone out of their home. Nor can they ask someone to leave if they are unwilling.

OP I think you should stay where you are, keep calm and talk to him when your girls are in bed.

user1484578224 · 21/04/2017 15:55

if you have a credit card on you take kids and book into Travel Lodge

PollyPerky · 21/04/2017 15:57

By 'find a way forward' I do not mean you forgive him necessarily. But you need to go through the process of deciding if this is the end of the marriage or if there is any chance you can forgive and start again. You won't feel like that today, but in time you might.

Women are advised not to leave the home. I'm a bit surprised that so many people are suggesting this knee jerk move. Your girls need stability no matter how much pain you are in.

Talk to him and discuss it as best you can. He may agree to move out with his own family (parents) or into a B&B or whatever. But running away kind of gives him what he may want- makes it clean and easy for him.

user1484578224 · 21/04/2017 15:58

I mean for one night

MammyNeedsASpaDay · 21/04/2017 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dangermouseisace · 21/04/2017 16:09

Flowers twirly you've had some good advice re photos of paperwork- make sure you do it asap...mumsnet suggested it to me when I was going through similar and I left it too late- he disappeared with it! Don't make any rash decisions like running away right now, get yourself an appt to see solicitor/CAB at the beginning of the week, and you are perfectly entitled to kick 'd'h out- he can stay with his family. He will have to pay maintenance and you'll be eligible for benefits so don't worry that you are financially reliant on him. I found that they were sorted out quickly, and my solicitor sent a letter to h stating what he should still have been covering- e.g. Rent/bills til things were sorted. Once you've got him kicked out and secured your housing/income it might be an idea to go and see your family/friends down south and think about your next steps. RL support is vital.

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