Ernest - I've followed this thread over the weekend with increasing concern over the awful way in which you are being treated by your H.
I was divorced from a cheating exh many years ago, but reading your raw reactions has brought many of the memories of that time flooding back, and they are still uncomfortable memories.
I suppose what I would say is not to expect how you feel today to reflect on how you will feel in 6 months time. There is a whole rollercoaster of emotions to ride out over the coming days, weeks and months. This will involve some terribly painful times, whatever you finally decide to do, but if you use the experience well then there is a voyage of self-discovery to be had, to reconnect with the person you once were and the person you wish to be going forward with your life.
For now then, just go with the flow, let each flood of emotions have their turn in the lime light, focus on one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. The point where decisions need to be made about the longer term can wait for now
I found that over the first few months the decision as to whether to continue with my marriage swung like a pendulum, over time though the swings settled down and were more consistently moving only in one direction.
I can only tell you why I made the decision not to continue with my marriage, for you the factors and choices may well be different and you may choose a different path as a result.
So for me the determining factor for ending the relationship permanently was that I just could never see a point in the future where I could forgive everything that had happened. I couldn't see how trust could be rebuilt and if I couldn;t even envisage that what was the point of going on with the relationship. I preferred to see myself in a new relationship which wasn't tarnished not just by the affair itself, but all the mudslinging and careless words exchanged in the aftermath.
The defining moment came in a conversation with exh, when he said mournfully, 'I never meant to hurt you!' and I responded by saying 'No, but you didn't care enough to intend that you didn;t hurt me!' It wasn;t good enough to have been hurt by accident, I wanted someone who purposefully and consciously was not going to hurt me. The proactive nurturing of a relationship, rather than the reactive and passive deterioration of it.
As for whether you should tell the other woman's husband. Well, I think your in a pretty bleak place right now and I think you should do whatever you think will make you feel better, no matter how long that feeling lasts. Be guided by yourself. Your needs were little considered in all of this, so if it gives you a little bit of control back for now, just make it your little decision to be going on with.
I did some terrible things in the immediate aftermath, and nothing gives me greater pleasure now and again from reliving all of them and collapsing in a fit of laughter at how fantastic some of them were
I feel so wretched for you Ernest - in common with those on this thread who have also been through this - I know just what a wall of pain you have to go through and I wouldn;t wish that experience on my worst enemy quite frankly!
Keep talking here though - it is a good outlet and there are a lot of very sensible people around who will perhaps temper some of your most outlandish plans for revenge, as well as providing a shoulder for when things just get too much