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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not another one - jst found out dh having affair

424 replies

ernest · 10/03/2007 21:55

That's it really. Am stunned. Feel like total mug. Had suspicions while back, asked him, he denied it, convincingly.

Shagging some woman at work since September. No condoms. Nice.

Saw am e-mail from her signed 'I LOVE YOU'.

He admitted straight away. Can't answer the Q. what happens now, you stop seeing her

I'm in Switzerland, no real friends, bloody hell, just posting a week or 2 ago about him looking for job in London and maybe us having to leave here.

My head just feels hot and pounding. I feel sick, and trapped and all alone and totally stupid. really fucking stupid. OMG, I've even been packing his case and taking him to airports to go off with his slaggy tarty bitch.

I'd love to phone her dh. He doesn't know. I don't know his number & can't find it.

I am so stupid and alone.

Up till then I'd had a really brilliant day too.

OP posts:
wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 12/03/2007 10:55

Ernest am so sorry to read all this.

None of this is your fault. Even if there were problems in your own marriage, if your h was unhappy he could have left, there is no excuce for him going off and having an affair with another woman.

If he genuinely loves her there is realistically not much you can do to change that, but I will say this much, staying together for the sake of the children is something you need to consider very carefully before committing to it.

Now your children are young, you could stay together to spare them the hurt of not having to go through a split, but could you really keep up the pretence of being happily married? And the children will not be young for ever, one day they will grow up and leave home, and then what? What happens then to your marriage that you stayed in purely to spare your children? And what will it do to your children ifyou split when they?re older, when they find out that you should have split all those years ago but stayed together purely for their benefit? What kind of guilt will that place on to them?

You need to do what is right for you, because what is right for you, will be right for your children. Children are resilliant, they will come through this, yes a split will be hard for them, but a split will be over and done with in time, if you stay in this relationship purely for them the tention will go on for years, and that could ultimately do them more harm than a split.

With regard to saving your marriage,Has your dh at any point in all this said to you that he loves you? That he wants to be with you? That he never meant to get involved? At any point has he shown remorse at what he has done? Because if not I?m afraid to say that it is blatantly obvious to me where his loyalties lie. If the man can?t tell you he loves you, and insists on telling you he loves te other woman, then I think you deserve a whole lot better.

As for the other dh, no I wouldn?t tell him, because I think that if you tell him you are making her job easier. In fact I would watch to see what happens now, because what she does next will be a true indication of the depth of her feelings for your h. If she tells her dh, then this will perhaps show that they will ultimately be together, but if she doesn?t I think that will speak volumes. In fact I would suttly indicate to your dh that as he?s now obviously free to be with her if he wants, you assume that her husband knows and that she will soon be joining him. This will probably mean he will put pressure on her to tell her dh and with some luck it will all blow up in his face. And if not, then I would just say they?re welcome to each other.

Sobernow · 12/03/2007 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charlottegeorgiaolivermums · 12/03/2007 11:09

ernest
i have to go to work now but will catch up on thread tonight. please look after yourself and your wonderful boys.
{{{{hugs coming your way}}}}

ScummyMummy · 12/03/2007 11:09

I am so sorry this is happening to you, ernest. It sounds just awful.

mylittlestar · 12/03/2007 11:10

wannaBe - best post I've read on MN

Ernest, re-read what wannaBe just said - her thoughts on staying together purely for the children and especially about why it's best not to speak to the other woman or her h but just watch this space - that will tell you a lot!

Most of all though, what has your dh said? Has he said he loves you? has he shown remorse?

I think that post sums everything up.

sandyballs · 12/03/2007 11:21

So sorry ernest to hear about this. It makes me so sad and angry that men can treat their families like this just for a bit of lust. Because that's all it boils down to. They wouldn't last five minutes if real life kicked in, particularly if they were sharing the care of 5 children between them. It's a fantasy, an escape from reality - if only men (and some women) would realise this before they risked absolutely everything.

I remember my father having an affair with a neighbour when I was 10 and my overwhelming feeling/reaction was shock that he could risk our home and his children for that.

I doubt very much if he does love her Ernest, despite those e-mails.

You have 20 years of history together, please think very carefully about what you want to do next. Best of luck.

Original poster
ernest · 12/03/2007 11:23

he has said he loves me, which I don't believe. He has not made any attempts at saying that he'll try and fix it, he'll do whatever he can etc etc, just shall we stay together, if not I'll fuck off, (I'm paraphrasing here!) He has treated me like shit for so long, l ooking back. Not once in our 7 years of parenthood has he taken me oiut, I always have to organise the babysitter, book the restaurant etc. But he can bloody well organise a hotel room for a couple of hours for a quick shag.

If not for the kids I wouldn't have a moments hesitation, he can fuck off and she's welcome to him. He's treated me like shit, why woulkd I want him back? But then I think about my boys and feel I should make the effort for their sakes. I'm realyy confused.

OP posts:
mrsgenehunt · 12/03/2007 11:30

give yourself some time

dont rush into anything. poor you

Megglevache · 12/03/2007 11:31

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ernest · 12/03/2007 11:37

he went this morning and scheduled to return Friday

OP posts:
mateychops · 12/03/2007 11:37

I think the marriage guidance will help give you a pathway to get your thoughts together. Take care, he's a prize shit, thinking of you.

mylittlestar · 12/03/2007 11:42

Like other people have said, give yourself some time, don't rush into anything.

This is about you now. He needs to start behaving like your husband and doing whatever it takes to put things right.

Then when the time is right, you can decide what you want to do long term.

Please look into sorting some funds for yourself and getting some legal advice. That way at least you'll be doing somthing positive, even if it's never needed.

Don't try to get answers to everything all at once. Too much is going on and you need some time.

When you're ready, could you sit down and have a good talk to him about the things you've said here, the fact that he never did anything for you, the issues in your relationship, why he had an affair and where he hoped that would lead, what he truly wants from life now... You both have a lot of talking, and listening, to do.
But please don't feel that you have to make decisions overnight - take as long as you need.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/03/2007 11:42

Ernest, he has to earn you back you know. It's no less than you deserve. He has done wrong here.

You are covering for him too - hiding his shame. He has done this to his boys, not you.

mylittlestar · 12/03/2007 11:43

BTW, I found that writing things down helped me a lot.

I even wrote a letter to dh one time asking all of the questions that I felt I needed answers to - as when we talked I'd just get confused/upset and not get anywhere.

Could writing things down help you to clear your thoughts?

littlelapin · 12/03/2007 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ernest · 12/03/2007 11:59

re stockpiling money, I just don't know what to do. Everything is in joint accounts. He will see straight away. What I could access is relatively small part of what we have. If I take loads of money ths will just cause HUGE argument, suspicions, bad feeling and make him put up barriers, where atm there are none or don't seem to be. He has said he would support us, but i obviously can't trust him with anything any more

OP posts:
Original poster
ernest · 12/03/2007 12:00

going now to try and see a sort of cab I think to get an idea of my rights, hope it find someone to speak to. Will feel better then

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 12/03/2007 12:06

Could you not just perhaps set up your own account and rather than always using the joint, say you'd like your own money (even if its just for weekly shopping, being able to buy him a gift or pay for something without him seeing how much it was - not that you'd want to buy him anything at the moment but you know what I mean!)

If you discuss it and explain that he's taken away your trust, and made you feel completely insecure - and one small step in the right direction on his part would be to give you some financial independence.

He should be bending over backwards to do whatever it takes for you to be able to trust him again.

Agin, keep remembering that it is him at fault. You are now just doing whatever it takes to rebuild the trust and make yourself feel secure again.

KTeePee · 12/03/2007 12:14

Ernest, so sorry to hear what you are going through . You have lots of good advice here....

mateychops · 12/03/2007 12:19

You need some legal advice, lady, and you need it now. You have entitlements, this keeping stuff in joint accounts to continue with 'trust', when this is the one thing that he's attacked by having an affair, is no use. Before asking him if you can set up a seperate account (wtf?!), get some good advice. In addition to getting legal advice, get a meeting set up with a bank or building society that you don't currently use, and get something opened in your name. you can open a basic account with nothing in some cases, a tenner in others. But at least you've got some place to start with.

If all of this works out, and you end up staying together, you will at least feel in more of a position of strength in having your own emergency pot. If it doesn't, then you've made the first positive step for you and your kids.

Sorry, long post, I'm not a lawyer, but just have seen other people in my family treated unjustly.

DeeSkies · 12/03/2007 12:22

Enest
Justread thi thrad - lots of excellen advice.

Just read your post about not being able to get the money without him realising. Is there a 'cashback' system in Switzerland? Where you go to a supermarket, buy your hsopping, then can get 'cashback (effectively withdraw cash while you pay?' Here, say you spent £1 in tesco, you could thn get £50 cashback so on sttements it just looks like £51 on shopping.
Is thaty possible?
Sorry about typing - keyboard has gone crazy

CODalmighty · 12/03/2007 12:40

enid
a good quote
erenest never once took you out orhgnsiing himslef?

CODalmighty · 12/03/2007 12:41

yes tell ehr husband
what haev you to lose fgs

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/03/2007 12:47

Agree with cod. I wouldnt normally advocate it, but, i just feel it should be in this case.

Fab idea re getting cash back. If it is queried, tell him its comfort food....

CODalmighty · 12/03/2007 12:49

eys httall piss on his swiss parade