not another one - jst found out dh having affair

[ernest]

That's it really. Am stunned. Feel like total mug. Had suspicions while back, asked him, he denied it, convincingly.

Shagging some woman at work since September. No condoms. Nice.

Saw am e-mail from her signed 'I LOVE YOU'.

He admitted straight away. Can't answer the Q. what happens now, you stop seeing her

I'm in Switzerland, no real friends, bloody hell, just posting a week or 2 ago about him looking for job in London and maybe us having to leave here.

My head just feels hot and pounding. I feel sick, and trapped and all alone and totally stupid. really fucking stupid. OMG, I've even been packing his case and taking him to airports to go off with his slaggy tarty bitch.

I'd love to phone her dh. He doesn't know. I don't know his number & can't find it.

I am so stupid and alone.

Up till then I'd had a really brilliant day too.

Ernest, like so many other MNers I've been reading this and have been thinking about you all weekend. I have just some ideas which I've set out below. Really feel for you.

Please remember that you won't get any satisfaction yourself out of telling that woman's husband. You will probably either see or hear somebody just fall apart with grief as a result of something you've told them. That won't make you feel fulfilled or any better. I'd contact her and tell her to tell him herself, give her a time limit and let her know that if she hasn't done it by 11pm tonight YOU will. She'll have to do her own dirty work then and I really think this will be harder for her.

About money - if you have a significant amount of savings/ joint money, just clear out the account into your own one. Get control of this and keep it. Money gives you choices. If you don't have much then it's not worth the hassle but you DONT want him to do this to you - I'm sure he wouldn't but.... When he kicks off about it tell him that you can't trust him in any walk of life at the moment - and ask him if he blames you.

I thought of you a bit at work today ernest, just popped in to say I'm thinking of you really.

"I feel like I'll never have another adult to talk to, that I'll never feel safe in anyone's arms ever agin. I feel like my life is over."

Oh ernest....I feel so sad for you reading that.
Of course your life isn;t over, there are massive changes ahead but its not over, it's you that will come out of this with your dignity and your head held high.

I don't do this often but now is a perfect time to break my habit.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

do you never get cash out??

he is very very controlling to check up on every penny uyou spend.

In that case I would still do it and if he asks just say you needed cash for x y and z and if he has a problem weith that then he had better get used to it

Ernest - I asked him to leave the day I found out about his affair, then we were in a lot of contact for about teh next 6-8 weeks while we tried to come to some kind of conclusion. I decided to split after this time, then around 6 months afterwards the joy of his new woman had well and truely worn off and he wanted to come back and although I wavered for all of ooohhhh 30 seconds, I knew for sure it was over then.

TBH all the time between telling him it was over and 6 months later I was crippling myself wondering if I had done the right thing. When he said he wanted to ditch the OW and come back, I was just so sure it was the wrong thing to do, that it really helped clarify that it really was over and done with.

As I said though Ernest, what matters in all this is not what I did, but what is right for you and your family. That will take some time to work through, but we'll be here to help you with that

If it helps at all - I changed my mind about 50 times a day during the first few days You aren't in any state to make decisions about your future yet, ride it out for a couple of weeks, get all the facts and legal stuff together so you know what you are basing your decision on, and get some MONEY!

Ernest
so sorry this is happening to you
lot of good advice on here as usual

I was in a very very similar situation to you 18 months ago (is it that long)
I found out H was having an affair after months of suspicion & him making out I was driving him mad checking up on him

anyway he told me that I had TWO WEEKS to get over it & stop crying
he continued seeing her at work - couldnt leave his job could he but he said she was ok with it (yeah right)

when I kicked him out 8 weeks later, he told me that he knew Id never get over it (hed been out for a meal with her the week b4) and he went straight to her (still together but SHE has an issue with me when I phone his house so I doubt his new life is bed of roses)

15 months later I am trying to divorce him. I have had bad times & yes the loneliness is awful but actually not as bad as lack of self-esteem eaten away by a man who does not deserve me.

You have to do whats right for you but you have to believe that you do not deserve to be treated as he is treating you. He should be trying to make it up to you not making you feel like crap.....been there got the T-shirt - its hard.....

dont worry about the children, they will adapt - yes its not ideal but I'm finally starting to believe that my children will grow up seeing their mum treated with respect & thats something my H's action did not do

keep posting - MN was my shoulder to cry on; voice of reason; total support when you cant tell people in RL

If you feel like a laugh - look at this thread from this afternoon when I laid bare my revenge techniues

WARNING - DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME[GRIN][GRIN][GRIN]

i told my mum. She's devastated. Feel so bad and regret telling her. My boys know there's something wrong, and have been so sweet, rushing round doing all the tidying up keep cuddling me, they didn't even agng up on me with all the evil cards when we played uno

Found out today if we do divorce we can do it either under UK or Swiss law. Will ring that firm tomorrow as have no idea which would be better.

Thanks again. Will open account tomorrow.

dont regret telling your mum
she's your mum
she's hurting cos someone has hurt her daughter
share your grief

my family have been fantastic but it hasnt been easy

sending you [hugs]

Whereabouts in Switzerland are you?

ernest I am so so sorry that you are going through this.

Re the money - if you did empty all the joint accounts you culd, what would be the worst he could do to retaliate? Go and have an affair - oops the w*ers already done that. I think you are justified in any reaction you have at the omemnbt, and if that is to safeguard your financial needs he cannot possibly think that your acion is worse than his. And if he does then he really isn't worth staying with

oh jesus ernest, i've only just seen this thread. i'm so, so sorry for this utterly wretched time you're going through. i really hope you can gain some strength through posting on MN and from the compassionate, heartfelt advice you've been receiving on this thread. You and your poor boys. There is good life after this ernest even though it must feel like you're in the pit of despair.

near zurich

i will be in touch. I'm just madly busy at mo of course trying to find out what's what, plus boys swimming lessons etc. sorry if i slow

ernest there's not a lot I can add to what's already been said on here.

My h had affair 20 months ago and after being found out was totally sorry and adamant that it was me and the dc he wanted. He cut all contact with her and things were initially good. But I remember that roller coaster of a ride, one minute crying, one minute being ok and thinking I will cope and the next falling apart. Thining that our marriage will work and how will this ever be the same again.

You will gain strength over time. Your mind will become clearer on what it is YOU want. Make decisions for you - not for your h or for the dc (whatever happens they will cope) children expecially the age yours are now are adaptable.

Revenge may seem sweet but it only lasts a short time. I saw h other woman yesterday and even said hello. I used to have dreams about posting posters all over the street about her, about scratching her car etc etc but I didn't, because at the end of the day you and I are better people than these ow will ever be.

You need to look after you get some counselling for you.

After 20 months my h is now moving out (his choice) loads of other issues that have contributed to this.

20 months ago I couldn't see how I would ever be strong enough to cope if we were apart but now I am begining to see that life may be better if we are apart.

You will get sound advice on here and take what you feel is good and ignore the rest.

Your dh has probably been living in cloud cukoo land and if he thinks that the grass is greener on the other side he is somewhat deluded. Although he says he loves her I bet it won't last longer than the honey moon period.

But if he does want to stay he has to prepared to answer all your questions and it will be the same questions time after time after time. If he isn't prepared to do this then he isn't prepared to make it work.

I remember my h answering all my questions and at the same time mistressmiggins h was being totally different and giving her a few weeks to stop crying. Now both of us are in the same position facing single parenthood - although she is further down this road that me, seems i'm just embarking on it.;

Whatever happens you WILL be ok.

Keep posting and sorry this is so wrong. xxx

ernest, I am useless with practical suggestions for stuff like this, just wanted to send my love and say I'm so sorry.
xx

keep strong love, have never been on msn this late but wanted to make sure you ok. you will be whatever happens, promise. keep talking to us

((((((hugs))))))

My ex h had an affair and it destroyed any trust that I had in him - thereby destroying our marriage.

I did try - for many wasted months - to put things right - out of fear of the unknown on my part and for the kids.....

His messing around was at the time terrible but 8 years later, the making of me.

I am much better off divorced from him to being married with him. But it certainly didnt seem like that at the time!

Take your time, gear yourself and build up your emotional and financial ( and LEGAL) muscle.

Whatever happens, it will work out.

Ernest, I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I lived near Zurich for nearly three years and was a member of an internet group called Expat-moms-in-Switzerland. Perhaps you've come across it or have already joined but if not I think you might find it a useful place to ask for advice re lawyers etc. You should be able to find it quite easily via yahoo groups. And if you want to post anonymously you can always send a message via the moderator. I hope this helps. Best of luck

Ernest, hope that law firm could help you out.
As for money could you not wait till was paid and then remove it all - leaving bill money. When he asks why tell him he's on stop as having access to money means booking things for OW.
If he mad just tell him he has no rights he's the one who's been a WANKER!!!! and you have every right to take money from the joint account it's making myself feel better money - blowing it on clothes etc etc.

hi, well know I thinkeven less about my rights today than yesterday, as getting lots of conflicting info, eg official lady at advice place yesterday told me could either get uk or ch divorce, whereas found out today have to be resident in uk for 1 year to apply for divorce, also def can stay to maybe, only if he pays enough, and as long as my current permit is valid

tried that link, charlottegeorgiaolivermums, but they say they can only talk to me face to face in London, so unfortunately no good. I'll try to find a lawyer with experience in foreingers.

Anyway, feeling positive today, and to the point where I really feel sorry for him. I am feeling more and more inclind towards splitting up, if that happens, he'll have lost his home, his family, the respect of his wider family, and have to support 4 people financially for the next 2 decades or so. And what does he get out of it? Maybe this other woman will leave her family for him, maybe not. Whatever, I doubt he'll be happier, and certainly will be poorer. So like I said, right now, I gasping at the enormity of his fuck up, and tbh really really do feel sorry for the silly deluded twat.

like beetroot said could you not
"there are ways and means of squirreling away money.

extra 50 quid on shopping, babysitters, new coat for kids - that sort of thing - take it slowly so he does not notice. "

?

and just to say i am thinking of youtoday. and i think how well your handling it

ernest I'm so glad to read your latest post, that's a fantastic attitude you have at the moment.

I admire you so much for how you're dealing with this.

Do you feel you could tell his mother? You need some support.