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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not another one - jst found out dh having affair

424 replies

ernest · 10/03/2007 21:55

That's it really. Am stunned. Feel like total mug. Had suspicions while back, asked him, he denied it, convincingly.

Shagging some woman at work since September. No condoms. Nice.

Saw am e-mail from her signed 'I LOVE YOU'.

He admitted straight away. Can't answer the Q. what happens now, you stop seeing her

I'm in Switzerland, no real friends, bloody hell, just posting a week or 2 ago about him looking for job in London and maybe us having to leave here.

My head just feels hot and pounding. I feel sick, and trapped and all alone and totally stupid. really fucking stupid. OMG, I've even been packing his case and taking him to airports to go off with his slaggy tarty bitch.

I'd love to phone her dh. He doesn't know. I don't know his number & can't find it.

I am so stupid and alone.

Up till then I'd had a really brilliant day too.

OP posts:
meowmix · 12/03/2007 10:01

what a toad. Ernest I'm so sorry you're going through this, but from everything I've seen of you you'll come through it with flying colours. After all you are the strong one here not him, no matter how he's making you feel right now.

Actually it isn't his decision anyway. He did the rash thing, not you. And don't waste time worrying about the other woman - for one thing she'll be terrified of and threatened by you - even if she 'wins' the toad prize she'll have you to live up to, you always in his life, you knowing that actually when it came down to it H was a weak man who seems to have a likely for the romances of Mills & Boon. You have his kids and have had the lions share of his life. She gets occasional sex in hotel rooms with a man who cheats on his wife. Nice.

Like others have said I'd 1) start stockpiling cash and important paperwork and 2) get your health checked and insist he does the same (and what better way to ram it home to him that his behaviour is beyond abhorent and show what you think of his choice of partner)

Sounds like he's enjoying the drama too. Are you? If not don't participate, send him away, go away yourself, just make the situation less fraught and less interesting. It might just bring him to his senses.

dejags · 12/03/2007 10:03

OMG. The depths of your husbands insensitivity (is there such a word?) is disgusting and unfathomable.

I cannot believe that he tried to justify this by saying he loves her - anybody with half a brain would know that this is even more hurtful than the alternative.

Poor you Ernest. I feel for you and am so angry on your behalf.

PS. just log onto your email via the web, no need for a desktop icon.

Blackduck · 12/03/2007 10:03

at the last para of you recent post...what a sh*t...

meowmix · 12/03/2007 10:04

liking for the romances.. drat

LadyTophamHatt · 12/03/2007 10:08

FFS ....You're a better woman than I am, ernest. I;d be telling every person poossible what a shit he is. I'd be stopping people in the street!

He loves her so that makes it ok......Jesus christ the man is a prize tosspot.

I am truelly in awe of you that you haven't gone a found her house and told her DH what a dog she is.

charlottegeorgiaolivermums · 12/03/2007 10:09

ernest
happy you can stay just find out if you can leave if you want and are you entitled to state welfare if you stay and the marriage does end.
does ow live in little town too as if so the postman will more than likely tell you where they live them them you have a delivery for them for the UK and wanted to give it to them personally.
Keep in mind he may kick her out and if he does she's sure to push you h to commit to her but at least you'll know where he stands one way or another.
tell him you can't talk to him about it because he has hurt you too much and you want to talk with some else who won't talk sides in the room to stop you from wanting to smack him in the face!

piglit · 12/03/2007 10:10

What would your h say if you told him you were going to tell her dh? That might give him something to think about, even if you don't do it and it would certainly freak her out.

beckybrastraps · 12/03/2007 10:14

He is behaving despicably.

I am so, so sorry.

Beetrootccio · 12/03/2007 10:15

I really really don't think you should tell her H or talk to her at present You are above that. You are better than that. Look after yourslef for the moment. you are doing a fantastic job

snowleopard · 12/03/2007 10:19

Go Ernest! I know it's so painful just now but you've definitely got your head screwed on and can see things clearly for what they are - you're not letting the daft things he's saying grind you down or convince you, and that's great. It sounds so much as if he's floundering and clutching at straws to try and make this your fault.

His line about "you should know him better, he wouldn't just shag around, he'd only have an affair if he was in love" - - well how very noble and admirable of him! It would be hilarious if it wasn't so hurtful. He's absolutely desperate to somehow make himself come up smelling of roses and he's dreaming!

So glad you have his sister's support and someone to talk to now... look after yourself.

mylittlestar · 12/03/2007 10:20

Agree with beetroot that you probably shouldn't tell her or her h, as you are definitely above that.

But tbh if it was me I probably wouldn't be able to stop myself from contacting them.
I'd want to ruin her marriage.. she never gave a sh* about yours did she

But my rational side says that it's your h that made the choice to do this to you, and whilst she doesn't deserve anything, she has children who will be hurt in all of this too.

But my irrational side would still want her and her h to deal with what you're having to deal with

Sorry, I'm not helping. Just so angry on your behalf.

CODalmighty · 12/03/2007 10:21

ernest i have bene mopping hte kithcne floor
and my qs are

!. did he think hed not get discoevred?

  1. what was he going to do long term?

and another that i haev forgotten

Megglevache · 12/03/2007 10:22

Message withdrawn

LieselVentouse · 12/03/2007 10:27

Sorry ernest but what a fuckin arsehole he is. I would tell the other womans husband - espcially if they are in love as he says. But concentrate on you and the kids
Thinking of you
xxx

beckybrastraps · 12/03/2007 10:27

I agree with cod. You need to put him ont he spot. Ask him what he would have done if you had not found out when you did. Would he have just carried on a clandestine affair, or would he have made plans to leave. I think you need to know. I think he needs to think about it too.

CODalmighty · 12/03/2007 10:27

yes
was he justy chickening out?

CODalmighty · 12/03/2007 10:27

yes
was he justy chickening out?

meowmix · 12/03/2007 10:39

no don't waste time or energy on the other woman. for one thing it makes her the victim which she aint, it'll make Toadboy feel he has to defend her honour (after finding it first presumably) and something else worth saying I've forgotten.

She's not worth the energy. You can be far far more damning about her with veiled contempt - Toadboy would love nothing more than to have you attack her, it gives him an excuse to be with her, it makes a decision for him. Far better to be the one grown up in this situation, maintain the moral high ground and keep your dignity. You are not at fault. They are. Much more effective to treat her with veiled contempt and slightly derisive amusement that can't ever be seen as more than the superior worth of a faithful wife over someone who thinks another's husband is fair game.

Enid · 12/03/2007 10:41

He sounds as though he is living in Denial City, just outside Cloud Cuckoo Land.

I would definitely tell her husband if I were you but that is just me.

Lots of love.

SauerKraut · 12/03/2007 10:44

Hi again, here is the phone number of the mobile I'm using short term, so I don't think it matters giving it here- 079 4354763. If you text me your home phone number I will ring you. Or if you prefer, you can text me so I can text you mine.

mylittlestar · 12/03/2007 10:44

great post meowmix

in my anger I couldn't think of (or explain) the reasons why she shouldn't contact the other woman, but that explains it perfectly

snowleopard · 12/03/2007 10:45

Exactly - the vibe I'd aim to give out is along the lines of "Hmmm, so you think you're in love, and that that makes it all OK - well ho hum, let's just wait until the dust settles and we'll see just what you're both left with. And when the time comes for some spectacular crawling - which it will - I'll decide what to do in my own sweet time."

Agree that if you let rip at her it's descending to her level - and as far as he's are concerned it will be an ego-boosting catfight.

NotanOtter · 12/03/2007 10:45

i would tell her dh too but again i would just want it all out in the open now...i suspect she may have told him anyway.

dp is in a bubble atm - it will burst and he will suffer

charlottegeorgiaolivermums · 12/03/2007 10:45

something came to me in shower ernest.
h said if you don't want him he'll move in with her.
1 does she want this?
2 does he see them walking into the sunset together and living together as their affair has been? has he never heard of honey - period
3 she may be a low woman but I can't see her turning her back on her dc has he actually through that if he moves in with her that it's a ready made family he's signing up for as I'm pretty sure she'd take her dc with her.
4 does he really want her dc hanging around.
next time he says something like he loves her!!!! (wanker!!)
i'd calmly turn to him and say - yes i can see that you really must love her lots to want to leave me and the boys and set up home with her and her children. - yes it must be true love to swap one family for another - all though weddings, university fees to pay and all! then walk away pretty sure he hasn't counted on step children in this whole affair or living with her children! He has a lot to wake up too looks like you are thinking cleanly now just hope that he does soon.

lazyemma · 12/03/2007 10:48

"He did ell me, he was surprised I was paticularly hurt that he was in love with her rather than just casual sex. That I should know him better, and that he wouldn't just go around shagging, that he would only sleep with someone becasue he had deep feelings for her."

Christ. There aren't the words, there really aren't.

For what it's worth, I don't think you should tell her husband. You'd be doing it to get at her, not out of any sense of altruism towards her husband. As much as I can understand how much you must want to hurt her, your husband is the one who betrayed you. He is the one you have a relationship and he is the one who took marriage vows with you. What she has done is very, very wrong but as meowmix says, you'll give her victim status if you do this and she doesn't deserve that.