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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

not another one - jst found out dh having affair

424 replies

ernest · 10/03/2007 21:55

That's it really. Am stunned. Feel like total mug. Had suspicions while back, asked him, he denied it, convincingly.

Shagging some woman at work since September. No condoms. Nice.

Saw am e-mail from her signed 'I LOVE YOU'.

He admitted straight away. Can't answer the Q. what happens now, you stop seeing her

I'm in Switzerland, no real friends, bloody hell, just posting a week or 2 ago about him looking for job in London and maybe us having to leave here.

My head just feels hot and pounding. I feel sick, and trapped and all alone and totally stupid. really fucking stupid. OMG, I've even been packing his case and taking him to airports to go off with his slaggy tarty bitch.

I'd love to phone her dh. He doesn't know. I don't know his number & can't find it.

I am so stupid and alone.

Up till then I'd had a really brilliant day too.

OP posts:
dejags · 12/03/2007 06:09

Oh Ernest,

I so feel for you - I have nothing more to add but just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you.

dejags
x

SauerKraut · 12/03/2007 06:19

I hate to think of you being alone in this position- if you want to get in contact, I'll be more than happy to give you my details. If you haven't seen me "around" it's because I'm irregular on here, not having broadband.

SauerKraut · 12/03/2007 06:25

Have to get off this and send the kids to school now. Here is my email address- [email protected]. If you want to talk or come to stay- all kids welcome, I have 4- just email me.

Original poster
ernest · 12/03/2007 06:38

thanks so much sauerkraut, will mail you. Mail next fixed up yet on this new lap top. Yet another thing I'm totally dependant on h for, no idea about tech.

OP posts:
dejags · 12/03/2007 06:46

Ernest,

go to www.gmail.com and sign up for your own email account.

You will need the privacy of your own email account in the coming months to sort things out (anything legal, support from MN etc).

You can keep it anonymous if you don't feel comfy giving out personal details. If you need any help - just give a shout, I'd be happy to help you get it set up (it'll take five minutes).

Earlybird · 12/03/2007 06:58

ernest - I am so sorry that you are going through this. xx

Miaou · 12/03/2007 07:23

Oh ernest, I saw the thread title floating around over the weekend but hadn't read it until now - I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I think you are handling this just right - him giving you the choice of "let me stay and I'll leave her, make me go and I keep her" is absolutely no choice at all. The unsaid part of that is "let me stay and I'll make sure I'm more discreet with her". I don't think he has any intention of giving her up, but he wants to have his cake and eat it.

There are lots of people on here giving good and practical advice, none of which I can provide - but you have my emotional support. My heart goes out to you - it's a horrible situation. xxxxx

FoghornLeghorn · 12/03/2007 07:39

Ernest, I have just seen this. So sorry, what an absolutely bloody awful situation to be in. for you and your DC's

kimi · 12/03/2007 07:57

Seems to me he wants to have it all, you running after him, shagging the office slag, his kids thinking he a wonderful dad, no one knowing his is a sucmbag, oh and if you just turn a blind eye while i carry on shagging the office slag but i will be home for dinner!!!!!

Ernest take all the time you need, but he has to know its on YOUR terms.
And your children deserve a happy mommy, whatever you decide to do.

maisym · 12/03/2007 08:03

so sorry to hear what's happening. Agree with the others - on your terms and to take your time on what you decide xxx

Original poster
ernest · 12/03/2007 08:06

thanks djags, I set up an account but I don't know how to set it up as the mail icon on the lptop, or do I not need to and just log on via web. (the extent of my technological ignorance .

Just before he left this am he called me up to talk. I'd had a go at him last thing last night saying he should be doing his best to try and save our marriage & he said I needed to tell him what I wanted before he could decide what he wants (just sounds to my ears again like a re-hash of if you tell me to stay I will, if not I'll be off with her).

It ended with bad feeling in the air and just walking out. Feel really bad again. Or is that even worse. I I say feel bad again, gives the idea at some point I wasn't. I really wish I could talk to someone. Feel so lonely

OP posts:
Beetrootccio · 12/03/2007 08:20

ernest, I just wanted to send you a hug.

My email address is [email protected] if you need to talk -

I can also try and help with contacts over there is you are near Geneva

Beetrootccio · 12/03/2007 08:20

has he gone for the week?

MarsLady · 12/03/2007 08:39

Ernest... you can get me on lovelymarslady at aol dot com if you've haven't kept my email address from before.

If you ever need a bed in London then there's one here for you.

Hulababy · 12/03/2007 08:41

I am so sorry ernest; looks like lots of good advice and sounding boards so far on MN. Take care of yourself and your children.

mylittlestar · 12/03/2007 08:43

so sorry to read this, have just read it all and just can't believe it - how dare he!

(regarding your email - just log on through the web, you won't need the icon on the laptop or anything.)

as for your situation - my advice at this point would probably be... tell him at this point in time, you want to make things work... on your terms.

there are a few reasons why i think you should do this

a) gives you time to collect your thoughts and decide what YOU really want

b) in the meantime you can insist that he cuts off all contact with her, no more 'trips away' no more nights in hotels (unless you send him to one!) - he has to start putting YOU first, make him do it and prove to you that he can

c) gives you some time to get some independence and get your own bank account and start building up some funds (will be much easier if he's on-side so to speak, and gives you some breathing space)

d) gives you time to get legal advice

e) gives you time to get support and friendship from people on MN and start building friendships with people in RL

get things back on your terms. tell him whatever you need to for the time being so that you have time to think. you and your children come first no matter what. make him start putting you first.

in time YOU can decide if you want to ever make a go of things again or whether you never want to spend another minute in his company.

but don't rush yourself. take the advice and support on here. look after yourself.

lazyemma · 12/03/2007 08:52

"Have to say was erring towards giving it a go, he basically said if I said 'yes' he'd stay, and if I said 'no' he'd move in with her."

This is really worrying - that he would try to blackmail you like that, knowing how vulnerable you must be at the moment. Where's the remorse?

Beetrootccio · 12/03/2007 09:04

mylittlestar - I think you are right here - ernest needs time and this will give her time without throwing him into the other woman's arms.

Twinkie1 · 12/03/2007 09:28

Ernest I am so sorry you are going through this - it is the worst thing in the world at the moment but I know if I were your mum no matter what else was happening in my life I would want to be there for you and I would feel bad if you were keeping this from me because you thought I didn't have enough time or the emotional resiliance to cope with this and my own mothers illness - you must share this with your family and get help and support from them - they honestly will be appalled with his behaviour and they would be appalled that you felt that you couldn't seek comfort from them.

And I don't think he relises but what a shit life he is going to have - the sex doesn't stay great once its not an affair - once they become your parner it is the same as sex with your wife, but not actually as fulfilling - you have to fit it in with the kids and everything else that you have to deal with - you don't get a buzz out of secretly meeting when you can see each other all of the time and with 5 young kids between them they aren't going to have any time to themselves as well as not having much money because you are going to seek advice and make sure you do the best for you and the kids financially and emotionally in this.

Go to your family and seek their help and support please, go to his family - they will stand by you and they will help you and support you - you need it and they will want to give it to you no matter what else is happening in their lives.

LadyTophamHatt · 12/03/2007 09:36

why is is he so sure she'd move in with him...she'd have to drop her family in the same hole he's put you in Ernest.

If shes half the woman you are, and we all know she isn't, she wouldn't do it.

Bloody hell....I'm enraged on you behalf!
Cheeky bastard

YOu say his mother will be as devastated as you are, Why don't you tell her? She will be a wonderful support for you.

charlottegeorgiaolivermums · 12/03/2007 09:37

Ernest big hug this morning,
now he's with with you you can sit back and think about what you want. You can take ds1 out of school if you need to just speak to his teacher and explain the situation then you can go if you want. Schools now the impact that relationship problems have on children and most tend to be very happy to help and support ds through difficult times.
as for h he will be confused although this is of his making he doesn't know what he wants which is why some reality time away is also good for him. He'll have the next couple of days to focus on whats he's done and without access to you or ds he will be able to see what he's done and decide what he wants for his future also. Although this is your choice he does also want to give the marriage a go. Personally I'd tell him to stay away as I've told ds that he's away on business this will shock him that you really want space to think. If he is a real father his true colours will start to come out soon when he's faced with losing you all for good.
Yes he would love to keep things as they are (his cake and eat it) but he can't and he'll be digging his heels in about this.
Find out where you stand and then you know whether you can afford to go it alone and once you know this you can make a true decision based on your feelings for him and ds and not on the belief that you need him to support you.
All the best - remember your not at fault and I personally think you did the right thing. He needs to confirm to you want he wants also not just say he'll give it a go if you want to because your attempts will fail if he's not 100% with you on saving your marriage.
Avoid his calls this tends to wind them up and worry them and every time you don't answer he'll be left wondering whats going on and what your thinking and hopefully this will make him start to worry.
If he doesn't cancel London trip I'd think about calling him employer and telling them your marriage is in danger and that you need him to not go. (big hugs to you)
told dh last night that I wish I could jump on a plane and come and give you a hug so you don't feel alone

piglit · 12/03/2007 09:46

I'm so sorry to hear about this Ernest. I saw your thread a few weeks ago and thought you showed immense loyalty to your h and I really felt for you and the hard decision you felt you had to make.

My concern with this affair is that your h hasn't actually made up his mind about what he wants. He says he loves this other woman and it doesn't look like there's any chance of him ending it. He's trying to put it all on you by asking what you want but that's so monstrously unfair.

The problem for you is that even if he says he "chooses" you, you will never ever trust him again. You'll never know whether he is still seeing her (especially as he works with her and travels a lot) or if he is seeing someone else. This will totally f*ck with your head. His betrayal of you and your children has been total and all encompassing. If he was genuinely sorry and prepared to end it then I would think you have some hope but he isn't being sorry and is quite clearly going to carry on.

I agree with those who have said that you must put yourself and your children first and get a stash of money together. Is there anyone who can put money away for you in the UK if you can't open an account in Switzerland? I have an almost empty account you can use if you like - I was going to close it but I can keep it open if you want to use that to build up your stash.

I am so sorry you are going through this and that you have nowhere to turn. Keep on line - we are here for you.

ernest · 12/03/2007 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piglit · 12/03/2007 09:57

"I sent him an sms with appointment details IF he wanted to go and he rang up complaining saying he thought it was a little bit strange and we should discuss these things together blah blah."

Shame he didn't think about discussing "these things" when he was lying to you every day and seeing her. What a shit.

Sorry - not a very helpful post. I am so for you Ernest.

Twinkie1 · 12/03/2007 10:00

Something to remember - my best friend said her husband after she forgave his affair - it gave her free reign because he would have to forgive her if she did it - she never did and has no cause to now but it definately took the smug smile off of his face that he had got away with his 'love' affair!!