not another one - jst found out dh having affair

[ernest]

That's it really. Am stunned. Feel like total mug. Had suspicions while back, asked him, he denied it, convincingly.

Shagging some woman at work since September. No condoms. Nice.

Saw am e-mail from her signed 'I LOVE YOU'.

He admitted straight away. Can't answer the Q. what happens now, you stop seeing her

I'm in Switzerland, no real friends, bloody hell, just posting a week or 2 ago about him looking for job in London and maybe us having to leave here.

My head just feels hot and pounding. I feel sick, and trapped and all alone and totally stupid. really fucking stupid. OMG, I've even been packing his case and taking him to airports to go off with his slaggy tarty bitch.

I'd love to phone her dh. He doesn't know. I don't know his number & can't find it.

I am so stupid and alone.

Up till then I'd had a really brilliant day too.

Ernest, I think you are right to ask him to go elsewhere for a week. Insist. Use your own form of blackmail if you have to (threaten to inform his family, work, etc).

Also insist that whilst he is away - he go about setting up a separate bank account for you, that he immediately starts paying money into. You'd need an account anyway if you split up and he was paying maintenance. HE OWES YOU THIS - WHETHER YOU SORT IT OUT OR NOT. You need to feel like you can be 'independant' to a degree, in order that you can make decisions not just based on practicalities and financial security.

For him to sit and tell you your shortcomings whilst conducting his own affair is just despicable.

Hopefully all of the above should knock some sense into him, or shock him a bit as to exactly what he has done, and the consequences of it. He's had his fun - cost free so far. Now its over for him too.

I really do feel for you.

DO AS NOOKA SAYS

FOLLOW NOOKA

ernest- I am so sorry you are having to deal with this awful situation and are isolated from help.

I KNOW exactly how you feel as I'm one of the many who's been there- 3 years ago my dh had an affair with a work colleague- I knew nothing about it until the day he was forced to tell me (her dh was coming to enlighten me). We'd known each other for 20 years and been married for 16 at that point we too have 3 children. I remember so vividly that feeling of stupidity and anger and in the same breath disbelief and love and confusion.

We are still together and I do not regret making the decision to work through this awful time and keep as much as we could from the children.
Only last night we were out together and he was talking about it and how he can't belive what he did. He looks back on that time as if it were someone else in his body- and that's exactly how I felt at the time "this isn't you, this isn't my best friend, the 1 person in the world whom I can say anything to....I don't believe you really want what you say you want"
At the time he too was "in love with her" (he laughs at that now) he too couldn't see past the next time he was with her (she was also married but no kids)

The thing I've learned is that men of a certain age (let me gues he's getting near 40) often lose the plot big time!!!!My dh did- he was living a fantasy- escapism, and not as it turned out escape from me-he always said he was happy with me- it was escape from himself and other things happening in his life -especially work at the time.
I did not forgive him, still don't - some things in life are unforgivable! What I did do was weigh up the life we'd had together for the 20 years before against this "year of madness" (as really in all it took that long to totally get her out of our lives)and I decided to work on our marriage.

He had to stop all contact with her (and I have to say it took him a while to see that- he was all for the we'll be good friends- no way atriangle doesn't work)He eventually took himself off to counselling and got his hea d straight. I did the same- to let out all the miriad of emotions and pain- I was so worried that if I didn't we'd end up hating each other. such emotions you are experienceing now are soooooo distructive.

You are strong, you are not to blame, you are not stupid all you've done is given him your trust- he has chosen to abuse that- whatever is at the bottom of his need for an affir he has chosen to have an affair.

Now reality has hit- the chances are their relationship will not last- an affair survives on fantasy- when the world knows the bubble is burst and the relationship does not have the depth or true meaning to last and survive in the real world.
#Only you know IF you want to go on- life has a way, when you have 3 kids and jobs etc of just taking over and before you know it you've stopped making time for each other and you've become so far apart that it takes a crisis to bring you back together.We are closer now then ever and whilst still ahve days when I feel the pain of what he did as if it were yesterday- time and his actions are healing that.

Please talk away here mine and others experiences can help - you are not alone.I so want to get ver to you that his behaviour is NOT YOUR FAULT- any failings in your relationship are but a tiny piece of the jigsaw he is an adult responsible for his own actions and the consiquences.
His fantasy "love affair" will not last- even if he did go with her she'd not last 5 minutes with the ties of 3 children- she will soon see that you will always be there because of the children (unless he walks away from them) he will always have you and them inhis life- she'l not like that reality!

taje care thinking of you.x

Ernest I am so sorry

It sounds from what you say that he wants to continue things as they were, i.e. still seeing this woman but not upsetting either of your families. I think in this sort of situation you don't have a chance to make a go of things if the two families are living in the same area. Moving to the UK together might be the thing to save your marriage, if that is what you want to do. He needs to get AWAY from this woman and her family.

I'm so so sorry ernest.

p.s. Nooka's advice v. good

just reading nookas words (hi nooka I remember you well form my days of despair)

I too did not ask him to leave, or give hima an ultimatum- I wanted him to chose to be with me rather than be forcd to be with me for the kids. I also wanted him to have to deal with my pain and the children every day and see what effect his actions had. men have this great ability to put life into boxes and lids on the boxes as and when they chose. that's why he could continue as normal at home and still be doing what he was doing! he has to take the lids off now- he'll try not to and wont want to talk about it but ubtil it's all out and faced all the details you can't move on

You will soon find yourself in control- stay true to what you feel and what you want don't sink to their level you have done nothing wrong. I agree this is a very slow pocess- it's akin to grieving and it hurts like ell. Don't make any rash decisions you are in shock now- you need to focus on you and the children not them. please take careof your own mental slef - seek some counselling just for you if you can.

Ernest,
You need time to think and look after your boys without having to face this nightmare every single second it's emotionally draining you. Tell him you want him to go for the week and that's that. Tell him that your not interested in talking at the moment but that you will get your question list together and will speak to him when your bloody ready. He's the cheat so he has no rights at the moment. If he pushes to stay at home just state that it's a very bad idea as your trying to keep this from the boys at the moment until you have decided where your relationship lies and if she stays then they will pick up that something is very wrong and that their mummy is hurting.
Yesterday I put the number of a law firm in London who deal with family law in Switzerland on the thread no sure if you saw it.
MANCHES LLP +4402074044433
CALL THEM FIND OUT WERE YOU STAND!!!
Then you have all the facts and you can make a decision for you and boys future.
Tell h that he is to respect you and not communicate with this woman for the week break. Make him tell her now (I'd personally watch him do it).
Get money thats a very good idea from mn members.
But until you now whether you can stay in Switzerland, whether your entitled to welfare etc you can not decide what you want to do.
You are right you can not stay together for the boys this has been proven to cause harm than good. But if you want to give your marriage another try then do the choice is yours not his!
Big hug coming you way

ernest, just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this X

Oh ernest, nothing to add to nooka and beety's and blu's very wise advice here but just so sorry you are facing this. Please try and find a woman friend from amongst your acquaintances out there to be a good friend to you now. You deserve it in the face of his disrespectful and deceitful behaviour

Ernest a big hug to you. To all the good advice here I'd just like to add - don't worry too much about your boys - whether you sort it out and stay married, or get a divorce, they will be OK - they have you and as you say you put them first, which is the most important thing in the whole world. It also sounds as if your H, despite what he has done, isn't the kind of man to disappear from their lives. I'm not saying it will be easy, just that you don't need to panic - continue to put them first and make that clear to your H. I agree with everyone else here that he's probably having a mad moment and will end up being sorry about all this, however it turns out.

As for her - think about what she's happy to do to her children and yours. You're a million times the woman and mother she is. You're not stupid and she could never for a second look down on you. She is as low as it's possible to be.

Oh Blimey errest, I'm so sorry.
I read your thread a few weeks back about wanting to saty in Switzerland and thought you should definatly stay, with (d)H communting from London.

Now this....God, what an awful situation for you.

I'll be thinking of you.

Ernest, so very sorry to read this. As one who has been there, experienced that & worn the t-shirt for far too long, I sympathise hugely.
Can only add to what everyone else has said really, which is take your time. Don't rush into anything, just get your thoughts in order & think about yourself and what you can do for the best. Only you know that.
I found it helped to make some notes, as my thoughts were all over the shop. I would think of things, get in such a muddle, not be able to sleep for thinking etc.

This happened to dh in 1st marriage he said it really helped him to keep a diary write down what your thinking, feeling etc as it changes every day and then you can read it back when you need to and he it great to hand to wife she never understood how she'd made him feel.

thanks so much all of you, esp nooka, matuere, charlottegeorgiaolivermums et al. Just had another really long talk. He was saying was bad idea him going away for week, was almost swyed. He asked if he could come and visit the kids. Made me laugh - how many night did he not see them because he'd chosen instead to go to a hotel with her?

Have to say was erring towards giving it a go, he basically said if I said 'yes' he'd stay, and if I said 'no' he'd move in with her. I really saw red. So he'll stay for the kids (who are 3 , 6 & 7) but not for me. No I am so sorry I've done this to you, I'll do my best to fix it, I'll never be so stupid again etc tec. No, more I'll stay if you saay, but if not, just give me a nod and I'll be off.

Like I say I totally saw red, told him to hurry up and pack his cas, and told him to stay away till Friday, and that he wasn't to go to London. In fact I asked him to try and get the name changed on the ticket and that I would go instead of him.

I also inferred that I'd basically made up my mind, eg not to make a go of it.

I just saw red when he's calmly telling me he'll move in with her if I say no-

Oh God, was I too hasty? Is it unrealistic to expect him to promise to give her up and that he wants to fix things? He did say he wants everyone to be happy. 1,2,3 ahhhh! He has said if I agree to try to make it work he won't see her, it's just the next breath him saying he'll be off like a shot if I give the say so.

I am so gutted and confused. I really massively appreciate all your help. When I 1st moved to Switzerland I had lots of expat friends, but when moved to new house really wanted to integrate and so avoided all expats. Have lots of swiss neighbours as aquaintances, but no 'mates' small village so don't want to be the focus of gossip, Divorce is unusual here

I think it's really, really wrong of him to put you in this position - for him to say he'll move in her if you don't let him stay.

I don't think you have been too hasty. What a prime knob

how DARE he say to you if you say no hes moving in with her? good riddance in that case

I had a lot of good advice from MN and most of it was telling me thqat I deserved better, and that it wasnt my fault - yes an affair is a reaction to a marriage in trouble but it was his choice

you can get through this
your children will be fine
am so for you

hope you are ok tonight

been reading this as my situation is very similar but I am 15 months on from you
my exH was having an affair with a work collegue - made me go mad with my suspicions & his accusing me of not trusting him and then he continued working with her & staying in same hotel

needless to say we are now getting divorced, & he moved str in with her. He cannot bare to be alone.
are they happy?
well last week when I phoned & asked to speak to "my husband", she put the phone down - she clearly has a problem with me even though they were the ones to ahve the affair

You havent been too hasty.

If he loves you and wants you he will fight for your marriage as much as you would want to.

I think he has got it the wrong way around. It's not, "if you let me stay I'll not see her", it's "I want to make a go of it, so of course I'll not see her". But I'm not sure that people in this position think like that really. It took my ex many months before he even said sorry to me. I just don't think he understood the impact on me at all, too caught up in his own feelings (in fact he still hasn't a clue - the other day he told me I should just get over it ). I think you probably did the right thing, but you know really you shouldn't torture yourself about it. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that it is how you behave now that is the major influence in what he decides to do. You could be the nicest person in the world to him and he could still decide to leave, so don't feel that you should bend over backwards. Be true to yourself - and there is nothing wrong with seeing red! There were times with my ex when I quite deliberately let him understand how I felt, and a) it felt good; b) he deserved it, and c) it really isn't a good idea to suppress your feelings too much. However try not to let your emotions get away with you - it's better to keep some modicum of control

I don't think you were too hasty. If you are his wife and best friend and person he wants to be with then he needs to cut off contact with her and focus on trying to save his relationship with you. If she is his best friend and person he wants to be with then there's no point his stringing you along with talk of staying together for the sake of the children. Instead he's trying to push the burden onto you and make it out to be your fault that he's going off with the other woman, which is utter crap.

And given she's married with a husband and kids, the "moving in with her" idea should be ... interesting ...

I read your thread on moving back to the UK and really felt for you, and this just makes it all so many times worse. I agree with pp that you really need legal advice on what your position is so far as residency and rights are concerned.

I think you were absolutely right to insist and not to stand for that insulting bollocks. He's just trying to make it your responsibility what he does, so he can try to convince himself you drove him away, or some such. You're so right not to crumple in the face of this.

And btw it's becoming more and more obvious that he really is in cloud cuckoo land! Their 'relationship' is so doomed...

Stay strong and focus on yourself and your boys and coming out of this situation with your head held high - you can and will.

maybe he said - if you say so he will stay, because he wants you to give him a reason to stay and work it out. in general, men are clowns, and as macho as the fraternity of men pretend to be, they act like fools on a regular basis and then need a woman to help set them straight again.

if you feel you want to work on it (also if you feel you can work on it) then just think that if it ends up working out, it won't matter who the person who says 'stay' now, was.

maybe you can take a trip to your moms for a couple of weeks to think about it and see how you feel when he is not around?

when i read the part where you say he wrote her that he loves her madly. obssessively and eternally i thought - he cant possibly love her as much as the woman who bore and raised his 3 kids. and i guess he wouldnt have ever said that to you because that sounds like a line from a movie - its just a made up fantasy.

btw, being here and talking about it, you are really doing a good job at putting you and your kids at top priority, and it sounds like although you are rightfully extremely upset, you are a strong person.

hugs

I cannot believe, in my hour of need, in the worst time that I've ever had in my life, so many brilliant people have made such an effort to help me. Thank God for mumsnet, and for you all.

I wish I could go for a week, but mum's dealing with her mum having a stroke, plus I don't yet want to tell her about his affair, plus I won't be allowed to take ds out of school (will I ?)

And his mum would be nearly as devastated as I am.

Ernest, I am in Switzerland too. Where are you? I know exactly what you mean about small villages and acquaintances. Could you get away? You can come and stay with me. My husband is away this week, so more room!