not another one - jst found out dh having affair

[ernest]

That's it really. Am stunned. Feel like total mug. Had suspicions while back, asked him, he denied it, convincingly.

Shagging some woman at work since September. No condoms. Nice.

Saw am e-mail from her signed 'I LOVE YOU'.

He admitted straight away. Can't answer the Q. what happens now, you stop seeing her

I'm in Switzerland, no real friends, bloody hell, just posting a week or 2 ago about him looking for job in London and maybe us having to leave here.

My head just feels hot and pounding. I feel sick, and trapped and all alone and totally stupid. really fucking stupid. OMG, I've even been packing his case and taking him to airports to go off with his slaggy tarty bitch.

I'd love to phone her dh. He doesn't know. I don't know his number & can't find it.

I am so stupid and alone.

Up till then I'd had a really brilliant day too.

Sorry Ernest, haven't read the whole thread, but just noticed you've been given conflicting advice about jurisdiction for divorce proceedings.

(I'm a divorce lawyer, btw). The England & Wales court has jurisdiction if either of the parties are domiciled in England and Wales or habitually resident there.

If you're a UK resident and only in Switzerland for your dh's job, with even a vague intention to return here, then you're domiciled here. If your husband comes back here then there are two grounds for E&W jurisdiction.

Custy - thanks.

I cannot stress it enough that you need to do this. the best men suddenly become penniless when divorce happens, mistress wants wining and dining.

He has been spending copious amounts on her, now is the time to spend on you - so take out small bits of cash and hide it. if he asks why you are taking out cash -make it up.

mumblechum, that's interesting, I don't know if we come under that heading. I've lived in Switzerland since 2000, Own a house here, and tbh have no intention of returning unless forced to do so. Dh is looking for new job, not specifically in UK, he has no specific plans to return, well none he's mentioned to me, So could that be classed as domiciled in UK ? I don't think it is, is it? I'd be very interested and grateful for any help/adviec you could give me, thanks

The issue of domicile comes under Article 3 (1) of the Council Regulations ("Brussels II).

You can argue that you are domiciled in E&W if your intention is not to permanently or indefinitely reside outside the jurisdiction.

I can't advise you whether you'd be better off in terms of the financial settlement in this country or Switzerland, you'd really have to speak to a Swiss lawyer then an English lawyer giving quite detailed info about your finances then decide which is best for you.

You can find a specialist family lawyer through www.resolution.org.uk. All good divorce lawyers are members of Resolution.

Message withdrawn

Ernest, I've been lurking and reading whats happened to you, and just want to send my support. It happened to me 4 years ago, although matters were not complicated by living overseas. We (exH and I) limped along for a year after I found out about his affair, but with hindsight should probably have just split up there and then. I remember the day he told me about his affair as one of the most traumatic of my life..... your OP brought that home to me.

I am getting on with life these days, have moved to be nearer my family, and have a reasonably amicable relationship with the X. And have had a "transition" fling with a colleague which wasn't going anywhere but was great fun!

I wish you and your LO's well, take good care of yourself, and do what seems right for you and you alone. You WILL get through all this. Take care and lots of love xxxx

Ernest,
pleased you tired link sorry they couldn't help. Mumblechum giving you good advise may be you should go to local lawyer and ask were you stand they will now what's best for you and whether your permit allows you to remain in Switzerland.
Go to counsellor and talk hopefully he'll turn up and talk with you so you make made a better informed choice.
I do wish you all the best whatever you choose to do with regards to your marriage.
Your right that he's in cloud cuckloo land like I said yesterday does he see the big picture or does he think that he can swan off into sunset with ow and not look back.
My dh said that he's being a twat and he's going to regret his attitude deeply in time but it could be too late and he may have too much pride/ego to admit that he's treated you so poorly. Why is it that the people we love the most hurt us the most. It's there betrayal that cuts through our hearts so deep that the scares never fully repair but we do bridge over this pain in time and I now that whatever you choice at the moment you'll make the right one for you and your boys and this cut will be bridged over.
Ernest you deserve someone who will love you so much that he can't bare to leave your side for a second. A man who'd give his life to save yours and who will adore and look after you when your old. I now that at the moment you can't even focus on this but may be you can write it somewhere were you can see it in a years time. Your a very special person with wonderful children and if you h can't see this or has forgotten it he's a fool and when he's old and gray will look back with regret and what if it's where as you will look back knowing that you did what was right for you and your boys and you will have no guilt as now of this is your fault.
Yes you had a few problems show me a couple married or not that don't have one problem or another. This does not give us the right to cause this level of hurt and betrayal.
Ernest all the best I'll keep an eye on thread as one day it'll be a happy secure ernest talking at me.
{{{{{hugs coming your way}}}}}

ernest, has he been in touch since yesterday?

is he with her now do you know?

I think his actions now will say a lot about what he wants for your future, that is yours and his future.

He phoned last night and tonight to say goodnight to the boys. I deliberately didn't speak to him.
He sent me hotel reservation confirmation for single room, so obviously he could get up to anything but he's trying to show me he isn't.

hope you are ok Ernest

puke emotican<

Good luck with it all x

Message withdrawn

Ernest, I am so sorry about all this, how terrible for you. It looks as though you are being given good advice here. Just wanted to send love and best wishes xx

Ernest - there is nothing you can do while the two of them are so in love. But that doesn't mean your marriage is over. Lots of (probably most) love affairs don't last. The probability of a man leaving a wife for his mistress is actually very low.

Try to find a relationship counsellor who you can talk to (on your own initially). It really is much better to talk to a professional who has seen it all a thousand times before and really has some experience and wise words to tell you than to talk to family and friends.

Good luck

Have an appointment on Thursday with marriage guidance councillor, just for me.

I have decided that on Friday he can return home. For the next 4 or 5 weeks he must not contact her (he agreed to this - had long phone conversaion tonight). During htese 4/5 weeks we can try to work out if we wanted to try and fix our marriage (he promised me, if this is what we decided, then he would give it 100%. At the end of this time, it's our holiday with his parents. It was my suggestion that we carry on with this holiday. First the kids are really excited about going to Austria with their grandparents, second, this holiday is important for pil (big thank you for help, but also post chemo treat for mil). I really love my pil, and obv. my boys, so for the sake of 5 other people I think we should go. He cried at this and said e's wanted to go but didn't dare suggest it and I think he's pretty relieved/grateful that I'm being reasonable. Obv. means we won't say anything to boys or il laws till after holiday, so May earliest.

Anyway, he promised me, weeping and heartfelt, that we can stay in this house, and expect to keep the same level of finance as ew currently have, ie not minimum maintenance. I believe him tbh.

Apparently, they have talked (him + OW) and if we deicde to split, she will leave her husband and children to move in with him. i let him know clearly my opinion of her. My new name - The Beast.

So that's that. I feel it's likely we will split. Hearing his voice made me sad and miss him. He cried for most of the call, but I was moer matter of fact, laying down the rules (I will not leave Switzerland, for the 4 weeks he may not contact her etc), so felt at least strong if not heartbroken.

Ernest - a big well done for staying so strong. I think what you have proposed is a good plan - and though it may sound negative, I'm glad that you are prepared for it not to work; that way if there is any backsliding on his part then you are not likely to accept or excuse it (which would be a slippery slope IMO).

Do you think the tears were of guilt and remorse, or him feeling sorry for himself?

Ernest - you are doing brilliantly - huge amounts of respect for keeping strong and starting to lay down the law with him. I hope the next few days and weeks go as well as they can do in these circumstances - will be thinking of you.

Well done Ernest for setting plans in motion.

The OW would seriously leave her children What a .... words fail me.

FWIW my mother's name for my father's OW was shitface. The name stuck. Fortunately I never met her -one of my mother's conditions and she (OW) was not keen on dad's baggage.

She left him about 2 years later for someone else in the company. Terrible for my dad (not denying his part in the whole betrayal, but sad for him nonetheless), terrible that my mother had to go through him having an affair.

But we (myself and my brothers) were pretty well-protected from the whole episode, though I must say they took it harder, but then they were 13 and 15 and I was 8 so much less aware IYSWIM.

ernest so sad
so sad that one day you woke up int eh mornign loving hi and by nightfall you haetd him

Ernest

Read your OP, read your last post you are so much stronger in only three days.

Proud of you.

Oh ernest - this is so sad. hugs to you XX

I'm sure his tears were genuine and I think he genuinely regrets causing me so much pain, and is genuinely grateful I have't gone loopy and whisked kids off to UK/changed locks/ sold house for a fiver or whatever.

He talked about seeing kids if we split up, maybe a couple of eveings a week and at the wekend too, I'll be pleased if he did this, and tbh, if he did they'd not be seeing much less of him than they do now.

I also have said I forbid the beast from meeting my sons or having any contact with them.

it's a shame, but the beast is from docotr who, ds's totally obsessed. All the swiss kids round here who've of course never seen it know all about Doctor Who, lol. So while it's a name that brings my boys to mind, at the same time, it's the first thing that popped into my head when he saying about her leaving her kids. I know that I could NEVER, never do that.

ernest - not posted before but keep reading this. glad you sound in control. I hope you get to a situation that you're happy with - I doubt The OW will leave her children - easy to say so atm.

i think he is deluded to think that she will leave her children.

i still dont see why you would leave the financial security of your family in the hands of this man despite what he says.

in the coming months you should insist he deposits regular sums ofmoney into an account in your name.

you are stronger. your inspirational actually