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Original poster

New Man requesting i wear lingerie to date

162 replies

WiseToTheLies · 15/04/2017 13:16

Ive been seeing someone for a few weeks now and weve dtd. He told me he likes lingerie and holdups in particular and would like me to wear them for our next date with heels.

Would this bother you? My heart sunk when he said it as its just not me - aside from the fact it'd look bizzare in spring / summer and is a bit... officey.

Its making me so anxious Im considering not seeing him again.

What would you do? Just say no and hope he forgets about it? Apart from this he's great.

OP posts:
diodati · 16/04/2017 01:45

Tell him the idea is making you anxious. See how he reacts; if he doesn't reassure you and back off on the "dressing up", dump him.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/04/2017 08:32

I wouldn't tell him I'm not comfortable about wearing stockings and heels, I'd tell him I don't wear them. If he can't hack a relationship with someone who doesn't dress a specific way then he needs to stop wasting both their time and start dating someone who does.

If, as would be reasonable, he wants to go out to a place where jeans aren't suitable he could surely ask her to dress up a bit but leave the details to her.

Dozer · 16/04/2017 08:36

That he wishes and feels able, so early in dating, to seek to influence your choice of clothing on dates for his sexual anticipation doesn't bode well IMO.

Astro55 · 16/04/2017 08:43

'Oversensitive middle class mumsnet strikes again

Totally disagree!

I have done this non dates at my own instigation - I would not do it if requested!

My clothes I get to chose

JK1773 · 16/04/2017 10:57

I'm not surprised your heart sank. Mine would have too because I'd view that request as a bit sleazy rather than respectful. You are not an object he can dress up and if you wanted to wear those things for him (and I happily would) it would be when the relationship was more established and when I decided. I don't think there's any issue with him telling you he liked that (in the right setting) but asking you to wear them when you barely know each other makes it seem it's just a sex thing to him. I'm not in the slightest bit prudish but this request at this stage would make me a bit queasy and I'd call it a day

ALaughAMinute · 16/04/2017 13:01

If you like him and you're already having sex with him I don't think it's a big deal. If you're not happy about wearing stockings etc during the day then why not save it for the bedroom?

If however, you haven't dtd yet, I would agree with previous posters who have said he sounds controlling.

HotNatured · 16/04/2017 13:58

It's not creepy ffs ! He's hardly forcing you to comply. If it's not your thing, it's not your thing. It's healthy that he feels he can be upfront about what turns him on. Listen to some of the professionally offended posters on here at your peril Hmm

SparklingRaspberry · 16/04/2017 14:01

I can't believe the amount of women on here who view this as creepy.

Hes simply asked the OP to wear them. He hasn't demanded, he hasn't blackmailed her into wearing them.

That doesn't mean he views her as a sex object. Nor does it make him controlling

It baffles me that any of you can even think this Confused

It strikes me as very stuck up - god forbid a man should ask his girlfriend to wear something he finds attractive

Itshello · 16/04/2017 14:06

But is it his girlfriend? They have only been seeing each other for three weeks. That's the point for me.

LouKout · 16/04/2017 14:13

She feels awkward about saying no.

That's reason enough it is creepy

DrMorbius · 16/04/2017 14:34

Im with you sparkling SparklingRaspberry, he just said he finds lingerie attractive and asked the Op if she would wear them. They have dtd after all.

But this is MN hardly a bastion of balanced female views. I suspect 90% of women over 30 have been asked by their partner to wear something or other.

Ragwort · 16/04/2017 14:49

All I can say is that I am delighted to be in the 10% of women over 30 who have never been asked to wear anything specific Hmm - I've had plenty of dates in my time and have never had any requests like that - nor made them - I must be naive but can imagine nothing worse than being asked to wear specific clothing to 'please' my man.

If you are not comfortable about this request then say no firmly and move on.

EverybodysHappyNowadays · 16/04/2017 15:05

Always fascinating to read responses on threads like this.

I would expect to be able to say "no" to any request without an unpleasant reaction, but I'm not sure why so many adults have an issue with it Confused

expatinscotland · 16/04/2017 15:33

'They have dtd after all.'

And? I've had sex (dtd, how twee) with people who were little more than strangers. Doesn't make them a 'partner' or 'boyfriend' or anything more than someone I shagged unless we both chose to take it a lot further. She's only known this guy a few weeks, he's hardly a boyfriend or partner.

I would just say no, not 'I'm not confident' or 'anxious' or try to find some way to enable it if I didn't like it. This is when you're getting to know each other, if you're not compatible, better to know now rather than later.

Emboo19 · 16/04/2017 15:58

Well I'm not over 30, so maybe why I find it a creepy!
I don't know anyone my age who wears stockings/hold ups. Other than a few pairs of woolly tights for winter daytime dresses, now I'm not at school I don't even own any tights.
It's bare legs or trousers all the way for me!!

When I read the 50 shades books, him choosing what she should wear was the thing I found the most disturbing. It feels to me like, someone wanting to change who you are.
And I don't like that!!

IsabellaTrout · 16/04/2017 16:48

For me personally, I don't find this creepy. You have already had sex after all. I've had partners ask me to wear certain lingerie sets they like (including stockings and suspenders) when we meet up for dates. I always found it quite a turn on to know they were getting excited whilst on the date Grin

Side note - I am 22 for the person who said they don't know anybody under 30 who wears suspenders

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/04/2017 17:01

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a partner in a long term relationship to do something you find erotic, or to invite them to make their own suggestions. But the stress would be on "long term". This request is being made in very, very early days, suggesting that lingerie may be far too important to him. He may "need" it. If you don't like wearing lingerie, OP, just say so. If you feel uncomfortable it's a bad idea. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. Any suggestion of a sulk and I'd bin him instantly - and I quite like lingerie.

HelenaDove · 16/04/2017 17:12

There is also the cost aspect. Not every woman has this kind of lingerie lying around in a drawer at home just on the off chance that it may be worn "one day"

So may have to go and buy some specifically to fulfil this request.
And then would also likely be expected to go halves on the date so she will have spent more while being likely to be the one who is earning less.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 17/04/2017 09:23

My gut feeling it that I don't like it, but then I don't normally wear stockings/holdups/tights anyway. There's one thing expressing a liking for certain clothing and letting the woman surprise you, and there's actually asking for her to dress a certain way, especially in a very new relationship. I have happily worn stockings to surprise men, but the difference is I wasn't asked to. And I'd probably feel different if it was an item of clothing he'd seen me wear before and said I looked gorgeous in it and would I consider wearing it again though.

Chavelita · 17/04/2017 09:38

How many posters would specify what kind of underwear and shoes a man they recently started dating should wear to their next date? Extra marks if the underwear and shoes are uncomfortable.

peaceout · 17/04/2017 10:04

In the early stages of a relationship I would hope that he found me irresistible, i shouldn't have to entice him with heels and underwear

I detest high heels and would probably show up in doc martens

DrMorbius · 17/04/2017 10:48

How many posters would specify what kind of underwear and shoes a man they recently started dating should wear to their next date? Extra marks if the underwear and shoes are uncomfortable

Isn't this one of the differences between men and women, that is usually articulated under the phrase "men are more visually stimulated". As can be seen by visiting shops like Anne Summers.

As said by a very wise pp, it's something most men have done at some point. I still do it after 30 years with DW.

Effzeh · 17/04/2017 10:58

Isn't this one of the differences between men and women, that is usually articulated under the phrase "men are more visually stimulated". As can be seen by visiting shops like Anne Summers.

As said by a very wise pp, it's something most men have done at some point. I still do it after 30 years with DW.

This isn't about inherent differences between men's and women's sexuality, it's about the fact that 10,000 years of patriarchy have supported men to feel that female sexuality is all about catering to male fantasy rather than the women's own preferences. And women have been conditioned to go along with that. Hmm

DrMorbius · 17/04/2017 11:13

It's about the fact that 10,000 years of patriarchy have supported men to feel that female sexuality is all about catering to male fantasy rather than the women's own preferences. And women have been conditioned to go along with that

You would say that.

Crunchyside · 17/04/2017 11:18

It is sleazy when it's the first few dates... If you're in a long term relationship and you both want to "spice things up" it's fair enough to ask, but asking you to fulfill his sexual fantasies so early on is a bit rude, it's as if you're not already sexy and exciting enough for him the way you are!

The beginning of the relationship should be about getting to know eachother, enjoying each other's company, enjoying the "chemistry"... not to get him off sexually as if you're an escort he's hired!

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