Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New Man requesting i wear lingerie to date

162 replies

WiseToTheLies · 15/04/2017 13:16

Ive been seeing someone for a few weeks now and weve dtd. He told me he likes lingerie and holdups in particular and would like me to wear them for our next date with heels.

Would this bother you? My heart sunk when he said it as its just not me - aside from the fact it'd look bizzare in spring / summer and is a bit... officey.

Its making me so anxious Im considering not seeing him again.

What would you do? Just say no and hope he forgets about it? Apart from this he's great.

OP posts:
Lockheart · 15/04/2017 14:13

I wouldn't find this creepy or controlling. He's voiced something he likes (which is fine), not demanded the OP wear them.

It's also fine for the OP not to like them and to say no.

Bit of a mountain out of a molehill I'd say.

Itshello · 15/04/2017 14:15

Its up to you but I wouldn't want to feel pressure to do that for a date.

I met someone online and we chatted on the phone before meeting and he said he couldn't wait to see me in a thong with high heels as if I would do that on a first date. No thanks! Never bothered meeting him after that.

Itshello · 15/04/2017 14:16

I wouldn't wear hold ups anyway. They are ridiculous on me. They always fall down so he wouldn't find that very sexy.

Happyhippy45 · 15/04/2017 14:17

If he's asking you to do this so early on in your relationship what will he ask for next?
Surely at the start of a relationship it's all passion and lust without the need for "props." Seems odd this early on to bring this up.
If you're not comfortable, don't do it. If he's ok with you not wanting to then good for him.

Seeingadistance · 15/04/2017 14:18

Say to him that it's not your thing - you don't wear hold ups or heels - and that you won't be wearing them on your next date or any date.

See how he reacts.

FannyWisdom · 15/04/2017 14:19

Counter suggest that he wear the full gladiator costume, shave all his body hair and emoliate himself with fish oil.
Throw some caltrops down and see how enthused he is then.
Tis only fair.

dottypotter · 15/04/2017 14:22

ask him to wear them

expatinscotland · 15/04/2017 14:30

He's still getting to know you and he's 'requesting' what type of underwear and shoes you wear on a date? Your heart sank because he's creep. Plus you don't feel comfortable wearing clothing like that. I'd end all this, tell him I'm not happy with someone 'requesting' the type of clothing I wear, so moving on. Or say nothing and how up in baggy jeans, my DM boots and a hoodie.

EffinElle · 15/04/2017 14:33

My heart would sink too, put your biggest knickers and tan tights on!

Hermonie2016 · 15/04/2017 14:39

I wouldn't, definitely suggests he's controlling, and that is from experience.It's the assumption he can ask and you will comply.I also think earlier on the new sex should be exciting without need for dress up.It suggests that you are an image to him not the real you.

I would have no issues long term but that's when you have worked out boundaries.

user1491572121 · 15/04/2017 14:41

HAve you even had sex yet?

"Requesting"?

Tell him to put some on himself and then you might consider it. Or not.

What a creep!

MTWTFSS · 15/04/2017 14:44

My now DH said this to me, but after approx 4 months of dating. If he'd told me before that I would have run far far away. After 4 months we had already said we loved each other and was in a serious relationship.

Thinkingofausername1 · 15/04/2017 14:45

Tell him you will do if he dresses up in them too 😂😂😂

Lockheart · 15/04/2017 14:47

I cannot see how it is controlling or creepy to voice your sexual desires to your sexual partner (which is what they are if they are dating and sleeping together).

I am assuming here that he asked normally in a "I find X really hot, would you do that?" way and not "Do X on Saturday night." The former is fine, the latter is controlling and horrible.

It still boils down to the fact that if you don't want to do it then you shouldn't - you should never make yourself feel uncomfortable for anyone. But I don't think he's a horrible person for trying to communicate his desires clearly. For example, I'm into bdsm - more so than most people - and I'd hate to be called a creep and controlling if I said to a guy "Hey, I'm into this weird, kinky shit, can we do X/Y/Z?"

SirVixofVixHall · 15/04/2017 14:47

I think in some underwear ads they bizarrely put the suspenders on over the pants, not under, maybe to show off the detail? Hence confusion. Suspenders go under pants, or having a wee is impossible. Also gives a smoother finish under clothes (am hardened suspender wearer, not for bedroom reasons, for vintage authenticity reasons).

PoorYorick · 15/04/2017 14:48

There is really nothing wrong with him asking. There's something wrong if he pressures you after you say you're not comfortable with it.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2017 14:52

'I cannot see how it is controlling or creepy to voice your sexual desires to your sexual partner (which is what they are if they are dating and sleeping together). '

But he didn't do that. He voiced and then 'requested' she wear that kind of stuff on their next date. They've been seeing each other for the dating equivalent of 5 minutes and he's already 'requesting' she wear particular shoes and clothing. And that's not controlling and creepy? Fucking hell. Get some boundaries! I can't imagine saying to someone I was seeing for 5 minutes, 'Muscle shirts and skin-tight jeans and thong underwear on men turn me on, will you wear this on our next date?' He already needs props! I'd dump him for that alone, no imagination. Hell, that's supposed to the stage of who cares what they're wearing, it's just going to get quickly taken off in a moment of passion.

Lockheart · 15/04/2017 15:00

I have lots of boundaries expat. They might be different to yours, and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with yours, nothing wrong with mine. I would not consider someone I was sleeping with asking me for something sexual to be creepy. I would rather communicate my kinks to partners earlier in the relationships because they are important to me, and someone who isn't into the same things is probably not a viable partner. I would also prefer someone to communicate their kinks to me early on. Maybe lingerie is an important kink to him, maybe he's just got over excited, maybe he really is a controlling misogynistic arsehole - we don't know him and can't judge properly. But based on the information in OPs post and nothing else, I see nothing that would - for me - flag up alarm bells.

UnicornButtplug · 15/04/2017 15:04

I can't see why this request is causing such a fuss, fair enough if he told OP she must wear them but that doesn't seem to be the case.

If you dont want to then just tell him. If he reacts badly then bin him.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 15/04/2017 15:04

It's the fact that he asked after you'd dtd for the first time that would bother me, it's like he's assuming he's got his feet under the table. Go on the date wearing what you want to wear or don't go at all, please don't feel obligated to do anything you're uncomfortable with.

Katie0705 · 15/04/2017 15:06

Wisetothelies
I wouldn't let this get to you. Just wear what you want to and ignore his request as you wish. From what I have experienced and understand, many men find the sight of heels and stockings a bit of a guilty pleasure, so don't read too much into it.

You will soon know instinctively if he is the man for you or not. Good luck.

SparklingRaspberry · 15/04/2017 15:10

How on earth does this make the poor guy creepy?!

Is he not allowed to find it attractive? Is he not allowed to want to see his girlfriend wearing them?
I've asked my partner to wear my favourite outfit of his before, something that I already liked on men, does that make me creepy?

He's ASKED. That is all.
If you say no and he goes off on one then yeah red flag - but my god a lot of these replies are so odd! I feel sorry for the men!

It doesn't matter whether they've been together 5 minutes or 5 years, the poor guy obviously would like to see her in them. It's not like he's asking her to wear a friggin horse outfit.

I don't even see why this warrants a thread. You don't want to wear them then say no. End of problem.

Or, you could finish the relationship and let him find someone else who isn't gunna write him off online because he's asked you to wear something he finds attractive.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 15/04/2017 15:14

What's the matter with the OP wearing what she wants? Isn't that enough?

No need to feel sorry for my DH either...

Original poster
WiseToTheLies · 15/04/2017 15:22

Grin at 'Is his name Peter?' Thankfully no.

To clarify, no it's not a request to 'put these on in the bedroom' type of thing, (I'd have no problem with the former) it's to wear them to the date. I'm a jeans kind of girl to be honest and that's why I said it would be a bit 'officey.' It's just not a look I'd normally go for so would feel uncomfortable all day/night, apart from the fact that in my opinion it's terribly dated.

To be fair to him he did ask if there was anything I'd like him to do /wear so I may suggest the gimp mask and a soldier's uniform. Grin

I think it's the 'performance' element I'm struggling with and the fact that I'm not perhaps desirable enough without a costume or prop.

I think I may just brush it aside and see how things go. If he's only interested in that I'll soon find out.

OP posts:
Goldfishjane · 15/04/2017 15:25

Id see that as being told what to wear on a date, which would be totally wrong for me. It's like he wants people, men probably, to be impressed by the woman he's dating.

Swipe left for the next trending thread