Help dealing with dw sexting

[Wellyboots86]

Hi everyone,

My dw and I have been together for nearly 16 years now, met as 15yo and neither of us had any real relationships prior to meeting up (nothing longer than a year). We are the same age.

Like all couples we've had ups and downs over the years, for me the worst bit was a one night stand she had at uni aged 18/19 which I forgave long ago. Only bring this up as what I'm about to discuss has brought the memory back.

We have 2 ds and had a difficult time with #2 being 5 weeks early and subsequent health issue for him (all better now). In hindsight I think we both went through a period of depression over this. Like a lot of couples, sex disappeared after having #2 (until recently only 1 "fooling around" session in about 6m) and some of this is down to juggling young family, work and basically being too tired to do anything by the time ds x2 are asleep.

We've both said recently about needing to make a bit more effort towards each other sexually as we take each other for granted in that way, 15 yrs together and sex is still important to us but not essential.

So backstory over, here's my dilemma....

Shortly after talking about making more effort with each other, dw and I slept together for the first time in ages and it was amazing, felt really connected to her again and both very happy.

Then the next day I was using her phone to check Facebook (I don't have an account and we've shared hers for years) when I noticed an app I've never seen before in a folder with random stuff she never uses. Opened it and it was a chat room app where she had been talking dirty to a few guys! I only had a few seconds to take it in as she came back into the room so I closed it again and said nothing as wanted to wait for her to be in the bathroom etc to have a better look. She was on her phone a lot that night which is unusual as she normally uses iPad and I guess subconsciously this is what made me use phone not iPad for checking Facebook. When it came to bedtime I tried to take up some stuff for her as usual, including phone and she made excuse to keep it. When she came up and went to bathroom I checked again and she'd deleted app but I found a few topless pics in her deleted folder of photo album. Confronted her about it and she said that it had only been going on a few days, she planned on stopping anyway, was bored when I'm at work during the weekend (and joked she was fed up of watching peppa pig) and apologised. I went to sleep downstairs and she sent a lovely text saying how bad she felt and begging forgiveness.

Next couple of days were a bit awkward as we discussed it a few times but agreed to move on and things felt a lot better, we seemed closer and both genuinely in a better headspace. I had said that I can move on as long as it stops.

Then on Friday when she was in the shower after we'd been intimate again, I got a burst of paranoia and checked phone to find she had searched for the app again (nothing on phone and I know it was a new search as I'd put Spotify on phone that morning for her). Said nothing, went to sleep having closed App Store. In the morning (after I'd been up a few hours with eldest ds) she came downstairs as I needed to go to work and I checked phone again, she'd obviously been back on again whilst I was downstairs! Again said nothing as we were in really good place (apart from me inside).

Sunday after work I asked her if there was anything to tell me and she said no, told her I knew she was still going online and she admitted that she was and found it a confidence boost (she has always been conscious about weight) as well as just chatting normally (not just sexy talk) as we don't have any close friends and sometimes when I'm working she feels isolated from the world.

I told her that I could understand (genuinely can) and said what hurt more was her hiding it still by waiting for me to go to work and then deleting app. I said that if it was helping her confidence, helping us be more intimate and helping her be happier then I could forgive and as long as she just left app on phone rather than sneaking around, I'd overlook it. Asked her to stick to chat not pics though and she agreed to just Facebook type pics not sexual.

It's now Wednesday morning and I know that she has been on several times a day since Sunday (I've checked a few times despite her keeping phone close to her). I've read a lot of the chat and it is a mix of normal talk like movies etc but there are a few guys where the dirty talk is pretty full on and (worse imo) she has been sneaking off a few times to take more pics (which I've seen - not as raunchy but still one topless one).

My real issue is this - it is obviously making her happy and has helped improve things in both our day to day relationship as well as massively sparking our sex life. I have zero worries ATM about her doing anything physical as she is telling people she's got a partner and lives 50 odd miles away from where we actually live. I don't want to keep confronting her as she'll know I'm looking and hide things again and also I genuinely want her to be happy. She is a teacher and as it's half term now I think she will "calm down a bit" once back at work as won't have as much free time.

The question is, am I doing the right thing by letting her have some "harmless" fun online as it is clearly helping her (and us) reconnect after a hard year? I don't want to drive a wedge between us again and admittedly it is a bit of a turn on sometimes but the sneaking off to take pics as well as her being up late at night sexting (when she gets up for the loo) is still bothering me a lot. Also, it's only been going on for just over a week so am I just being over sensitive/justifiably so still as it's so fresh and need to give it until she's back at work to properly assess the extent of the problem?

Sorry for the ramble!

You didn't do this, she did. You're still young and you can earn more and be able to afford a house etc - retrain or get more qualifications or work longer hours when you don't have the kids. You may not see the kids as much but you can make sure that when you see them it's all quality time . You can learn to cook and give them and you healthy meals.

I'm sorry for how it's ended but look forward to hearing about you meeting someone who loves you and appreciates you.

I think u will look back on this situation and realise what a turning point it was in your life for the better. Yes you won't see your kids as much but 50/50 is still great and you can still face time them when they are with her and beva very active important part of their lives, Its better for the kids to do it now as they probably won't ever remember the break up and it could hurt them more later on.
If you would have stayed they would have been brought up around an unhappy marriage and that's never a good idea, You need to show them a good example of how a relationship should be and your marriage isnt.
Yes its going to be hard but once you have figured it all out it will get easier, and it will become your normal.
When your ready then you can meet someone and have a two sided relationship where someone truely cares about you.

I honestly think she will regret it, And I think you will come so far that you will realise that you are better off without her. And not want her back.
Build yourself up, try and make some friends, Perhaps at work?? Put yourself out there and take some control of your life back.
You can do this and you will.
It will all work out in the end.

I wanted to post because honestly I have almost been this woman. I haven't sent the texts but I did get addicted to online chat (some of which was sex based) for a while. It was at a time of my life where various aspects all seemed to combine to make me vunerable to doing this. For me it was feeling bored, low self esteem, time alone, feeling lonely, and just needing something going on in my life. The fact that I kept it a secret was actually a bit thrilling and it honestly brightened my day and made me feel like I was desired. I know (and knew) it was unhealthy and I did stop.doing it. I just wanted to perhaps help you understand why am is doing it.
I do think your wife is being unsafe though. Nude pics especially in her profession, and chat can be traced, she is risking her relationship with you and ultimately this won't be good for her health. The deception is clearly unacceptable.
It wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me because I have been there and I do understand. But it would need to stop or at least be done in a safer and more anonymous way. She needs to take up a different risky hobby that is healthier for your relationship.

Just got back from work (after mulling everything over for 4 hours) and she's told me that she wants to try and work things out. She's stopping the chatting, she has asked that she can keep talking to two people for a little bit as they have been helping her come to terms with things tonight (seen it and nothing sexual) but that she is coming off the app as knows it's wrong and novelty has worn off leaving her knowing what she has.

Things won't be ok for a long time but she wants to work on it which I am willing to do.

This might sound stupid to attempt a reconciliation but I think the shock of having to leave has woken her up (she nearly had a panic attack earlier when I told her we're finished).

If it doesn't look like it'll work out then I will put kids first and leave but I still don't want to throw it all away
She told me the reason for wanting to join the gym was that she hates getting out of breath chasing ds1 and it was medically advised during ds2 pregnancy as causing liver damage.

I've suggested getting someone to babysit so we can try date nights to help her get the excitement she needs/not be bored in our relationship anymore.

I've got all the info I need if it doesn't work but hopefully it will...

Also thank you all for your kind words. You've all helped so much whilst I'm going through this. I'll keep you up to date.

As pps have said one day you'll look back and be glad this happened. Just for now try your best not fall into catastrophic thinking. Take deep breaths and try and take each hour as it comes.

Oops cross posted with you op. Hope everything works out for you.

Please don't rush reconciliation. Remember she has to earn your trust back.

I'm so sorry for your roller-coaster day. I really hope it works out for you both. Do keep the thread updated. Will be thinking of you.

"She told me the reason for wanting to join the gym was that she hates getting out of breath chasing ds1 and it was medically advised during ds2 pregnancy as causing liver damage."

Don't want to be a negative Minnie but didn't she give you a different excuse re: joining the gym?

"She's stopping the chatting, she has asked that she can keep talking to two people for a little bit as they have been helping her come to terms with things tonight"

Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds?

First she said that she'd stop but to give her a couple of days now it's that they are helping her come to terms with what's going on in her marriage.

Welly I know you said you love her but come on, wake up a little bit.
Your wife cheated on you when you were younger, chances were high that she'd cheat again and she has.
The chances that she'll change her mind in future are even higher now.
In order for this chance to be minimised you need to realise that you are a person worthy of love and respect.
That she may have been the only friend you have had but that you are no pushover. Demand she stops right now. No easing herself into a state of no communication, it's an excuse. Demand that the app be deleted, phone unlocked and that you will check it every so often and the reason you will do that is because you don't trust her right now.
She should be fighting to show you how deadly serious she is about staying and being a family.
Any protests say otherwise.

Please realise that you will be ok should you go your separate ways. Lots of people have been where you are right now, scared to let go and clinging to the only life they know.
Once you realise that it's not the end of the world if things don't work out, you'll be better equipped to work out a reconciliation should you choose one.
... on your terms.

Good luck Welly.
Know your worth and be strong, it's tough at the moment but you'll come out the other side one way or another. I hope really your wife realises what she's losing and fights as hard as you are for your marriage.

I hope it works out op. However, start working on your self esteem, build your career/train, start socialising etc so you'll be in a stronger position and not as dependant on her, regardless of what happens.

I do think that you both need to talk this through. Decide to make a real effort to get your relationship back on track. Have fun together (i really think that you should take up a sport together - perhaps Badminton or similar? Or join the gym together? Or do a fitness programme at home together?) . Invite couples over for a takeaway and drinks. Arrange to go to the theatre or a concert etc.

Also, she's got to absolutely promise to stop chatting etc and you've got to stop checking her phone.

Oh Welly, you seem lovely.

I can't believe that now - at the height of facing everything she has to lose - she still can't prize herself away. I'm so sorry.

Good luck! I suspect there will be a bit of hysterical bonding before she slips back into taking you for granted and justifies cheating by claiming to resent the limitations you placed on her. Slippery slope. I really hope I'm wrong.

Wow, Honestly Welly I think she is a compulsive liar, She can't tell the truth to save her life, is a massive head fuck, And extremely selfish constantly playing with your emotions, Shes panicking and clinging on again as she knows it will be hard without you as you are obviously such a secure, all round good guy, I do think this will crop up again in the future as she said she is bored and was only staying for the kids believe her the first time when she came out with all of that.
I hope you realise this eventually and get rid of her.

Cricrichan - she has told me she'll stop but at the same time doesn't want me checking phone all the time. I admit that me checking has added to the tension as she feels under scrutiny all the time and (although she admits this is hypocritical) is having trust issues as not being given any personal space.

So I want to believe her when she says she'll stop but without being able to check it'll be hard. Blind trust is difficult to give back after all this but she said we both need to have a bit of privacy in our lives as not healthy to be 100% in each other's pockets. I know I have come over as a very untrusting, paranoid person throughout all this (understandably) and can see how it could prevent us getting back to normal.

I'm just hoping that we both want to rebuild through love not because it's harder to split.

Cmamaof4 - she was quite calm as she said everything, no dramatic performance about not leaving her which would've been out of character of her anyway.

I'm not a perfect husband by any stretch and she does have to do a lot of the heavy lifting as far as finances are concerned which I think frustrates her. I've been trying to progress at work but keep hitting brick walls and I'm really unsure what I'd be good enough at to retrain and leave. All I've wanted in life is a family, works never been a priority, just something to pay the bills that's why I like this job as gives me loads of time with kids.

I can be very closed off emotionally at times as I've suffered multiple times with depression and I think that she struggles when I'm like this.

I do think if there was zero love there then she wouldn't have agreed to try again but whether there's enough to get back to normal...time will tell.

I have a loan finishing in a year and that would free up a good bit of money to allow me to save for the worst.

I think the pp who recommended counselling for you both was spot on. She needs it to stop this risky and damaging behaviour and you need it to help you rebuild trust.
I hope it works out. You deserve a good relationship and a faithful, living partner.

That should be loving partner! Damn you iPhone!

I think the council long might help but she doesn't want to as says she's already said everything and is sick of talking about it.

I might look into it for me as it might help me with regaining trust and also, tbh I may be sliding back into depression as in not sleeping, off food etc - all signs I had last time

I think she has some stuff to work through - why is she indulging in this risk-taking, exhibitionistic behaviour? I realise in this age of the internet the notion that women need validation by strangers gawping at their body parts is gaining traction but let's take a step back - it's not actually that healthy from a psychological point of view.
I know you can't make her but if she won't recognise the full extent of her problems, it will be tough to make progress.

She's sick of talking about it? My god, I'd be livid! Two days and that's it, you've grieved enough. This woman is something else.

Totally agree with lovedeathprizes, She wants to try a reconciliation but she isn't willing to do anything to make it better really? You can't check her phone she won't go to councilling, You have just got to trust her?? You are going around and around in circles.
Shes sick of talking about it? I'm sure she would do plenty of talking if it was you constantly lieing and talking to other women.
You always put yourself down and looking at her behaviour, I think she's an emotional abuser.
Do get some councilling for yourself, Build yourself up.

I have often felt like I don't deserve her as I don't feel I bring much to the relationship (other than loving her massively) and I probably do a better job as a father than a husband.

I've often worried when we have an arguement that she'll leave me and so that's why I'm having a hard time letting go now. I definitely have self esteem issues, I just haven't sought the kind of validation she has for hers!

I'm going to go to drs after Easter and talk about a referral to counsellor to work through my stuff, if she decides to join me then great but maybe it'll be enough if I fix myself to help change her behaviour anyway?

Things have been ok this morning, I'm now off to work and I know she needs to do food shopping, I'm not worried as kids will be with her but feel like I can't ask what time she'll be out as she'll think I'm spying and I just want to know so I can call for a chat to see how she's doing

Morning OP. I see things happened quickly again. I honestly don't know how you're carrying on day to day with all this. My head would be spinning.

Please, please take some of the advice I and other posters are giving you re getting her to actively engage in repairing your marriage and taking responsibility for this. You're still blaming yourself, but it was her choice to go down this road of sexting and sending pictures! Not only that, she's still absolving herself of blame and guilt and saying you're making her feel bad by wanting to check her phone. It's madness. Please wake up and see this. It won't just go away no matter how much you want it to.

To be blunt, if you act like a doormat she will continue to walk all over you. It's clear you love her but honestly, it's not enough. You need to stand up for yourself and safeguard your future for you and your kids. She holds all the power in this relationship and she knows it. If she gave a shit about you she'd be begging for forgiveness, apologising and offering to do anything to make things better. To make you feel better.

I'm sorry OP but I don't see this ending well for you unless there are massive changes (and even if there are, she's firmly working towards her own agenda).

Hi concerned for you too. Over many years I've observed if folk cheat (and I regard her as a cheater) then reconciliation isnt possible if they

1. arent very remorseful
2. dont have counselling and get to root of why they did it and work to change

They should also be prepared to discuss the cheating with you and do anything you need in giving you confidence about the relationship again. And this means they dont fob you off about having discussed it enough.

And they leave their phone/tablet completely open and show it a lot in the first few weeks graduating to less frequent as time goes by.

I get that you desperately want to save your marriage (been there etc etc - I know the pain)

But I also know that if you don't insist on the above then she is most likely to slide back into it all again.

Do wish you the best though !

Been feeling alright today but had a rush of paranoia a few mins ago as I know she will be going out food shopping soon. She'll have the kids with her so won't meet anyone as she'd never put them in potential harms way but I still feel awful whenever she's out of sight!

I wish she'd agree to counselling but she still doesn't seem to see ow big of an issue is and keeps focusing on her self esteem/greener pastures views.

It's tough because on the one hand she wants to work on stuff but on the other she won't give me access/counselling so really mixed signals.

It's like her ideal solution is that we just never speak of it again and get back to normal on blind faith. I've wondered whether it would help things if I created a fake account to talk to her (normal stuff not asking for pics etc) in order to give her the "friend" she's missing in real life...