Help dealing with dw sexting

[Wellyboots86]

Hi everyone,

My dw and I have been together for nearly 16 years now, met as 15yo and neither of us had any real relationships prior to meeting up (nothing longer than a year). We are the same age.

Like all couples we've had ups and downs over the years, for me the worst bit was a one night stand she had at uni aged 18/19 which I forgave long ago. Only bring this up as what I'm about to discuss has brought the memory back.

We have 2 ds and had a difficult time with #2 being 5 weeks early and subsequent health issue for him (all better now). In hindsight I think we both went through a period of depression over this. Like a lot of couples, sex disappeared after having #2 (until recently only 1 "fooling around" session in about 6m) and some of this is down to juggling young family, work and basically being too tired to do anything by the time ds x2 are asleep.

We've both said recently about needing to make a bit more effort towards each other sexually as we take each other for granted in that way, 15 yrs together and sex is still important to us but not essential.

So backstory over, here's my dilemma....

Shortly after talking about making more effort with each other, dw and I slept together for the first time in ages and it was amazing, felt really connected to her again and both very happy.

Then the next day I was using her phone to check Facebook (I don't have an account and we've shared hers for years) when I noticed an app I've never seen before in a folder with random stuff she never uses. Opened it and it was a chat room app where she had been talking dirty to a few guys! I only had a few seconds to take it in as she came back into the room so I closed it again and said nothing as wanted to wait for her to be in the bathroom etc to have a better look. She was on her phone a lot that night which is unusual as she normally uses iPad and I guess subconsciously this is what made me use phone not iPad for checking Facebook. When it came to bedtime I tried to take up some stuff for her as usual, including phone and she made excuse to keep it. When she came up and went to bathroom I checked again and she'd deleted app but I found a few topless pics in her deleted folder of photo album. Confronted her about it and she said that it had only been going on a few days, she planned on stopping anyway, was bored when I'm at work during the weekend (and joked she was fed up of watching peppa pig) and apologised. I went to sleep downstairs and she sent a lovely text saying how bad she felt and begging forgiveness.

Next couple of days were a bit awkward as we discussed it a few times but agreed to move on and things felt a lot better, we seemed closer and both genuinely in a better headspace. I had said that I can move on as long as it stops.

Then on Friday when she was in the shower after we'd been intimate again, I got a burst of paranoia and checked phone to find she had searched for the app again (nothing on phone and I know it was a new search as I'd put Spotify on phone that morning for her). Said nothing, went to sleep having closed App Store. In the morning (after I'd been up a few hours with eldest ds) she came downstairs as I needed to go to work and I checked phone again, she'd obviously been back on again whilst I was downstairs! Again said nothing as we were in really good place (apart from me inside).

Sunday after work I asked her if there was anything to tell me and she said no, told her I knew she was still going online and she admitted that she was and found it a confidence boost (she has always been conscious about weight) as well as just chatting normally (not just sexy talk) as we don't have any close friends and sometimes when I'm working she feels isolated from the world.

I told her that I could understand (genuinely can) and said what hurt more was her hiding it still by waiting for me to go to work and then deleting app. I said that if it was helping her confidence, helping us be more intimate and helping her be happier then I could forgive and as long as she just left app on phone rather than sneaking around, I'd overlook it. Asked her to stick to chat not pics though and she agreed to just Facebook type pics not sexual.

It's now Wednesday morning and I know that she has been on several times a day since Sunday (I've checked a few times despite her keeping phone close to her). I've read a lot of the chat and it is a mix of normal talk like movies etc but there are a few guys where the dirty talk is pretty full on and (worse imo) she has been sneaking off a few times to take more pics (which I've seen - not as raunchy but still one topless one).

My real issue is this - it is obviously making her happy and has helped improve things in both our day to day relationship as well as massively sparking our sex life. I have zero worries ATM about her doing anything physical as she is telling people she's got a partner and lives 50 odd miles away from where we actually live. I don't want to keep confronting her as she'll know I'm looking and hide things again and also I genuinely want her to be happy. She is a teacher and as it's half term now I think she will "calm down a bit" once back at work as won't have as much free time.

The question is, am I doing the right thing by letting her have some "harmless" fun online as it is clearly helping her (and us) reconnect after a hard year? I don't want to drive a wedge between us again and admittedly it is a bit of a turn on sometimes but the sneaking off to take pics as well as her being up late at night sexting (when she gets up for the loo) is still bothering me a lot. Also, it's only been going on for just over a week so am I just being over sensitive/justifiably so still as it's so fresh and need to give it until she's back at work to properly assess the extent of the problem?

Sorry for the ramble!

Yeah I think that would only work in a Rom Com. She already has you! You shouldn't need to trick her into talking to you.

Tell her to come on Mumsnet. Or does it have to be men she speaks to?

She knows it's a big deal. She knows it hurts you. But she's gaining too much from the other guys to care.

She is essentially choosing them over you if she carries on.

So sorry this is happening to you, Welly. She doesn't know what she has in you. For you to say you have nothing going for you is rubbish. Your kindness, patience and love shine through, but she takes all of that for granted.

If it doesn't work out you can still be a good dad. If you get 50/50 care you'll still have the days off work to look after them. It's she that will not see them Mon-Fri if she's at work. You can make those days really count. Don't worry about what to cook for them in terms of healthy stuff either. Just steam some vegetables or cut up salad stuff like tomatoes, cucumber, carrots, peppers etc. You can add plain stuff to this like some cut up chicken or fish done in the oven. Frying cut up onions, peppers, courgettes, mushrooms and adding a tin of tomatoes will be the base for things like a pasta sauce, chili. You can do it and learn bit by bit so don't worry about that.

She's lucky to have you and remember if it doesn't work out the boys can still have security and stability. And you will go on to meet someone else. Someone that will value you. The small steps towards this will be finding a hobby, just going to the pub for a drink with friends etc. Don't be overwhelmed. Please don't put up with this nonsense that she keeps coming up with - let her continue until Monday etc. She's taking you for a mug and being disrespectful.

I know I have come over as a very untrusting, paranoid person throughout all this (understandably) and can see how it could prevent us getting back to normal.

I worry about this, what is making you think/feel this? You haven't to me, you've come across as a normal committed partner. I doubt you've come across as unusually concerned to anyone else on here either.

tbh I may be sliding back into depression as in not sleeping, off food etc - all signs I had last time

Your wife is cheating on you.
Right under your nose, heck even while sitting next to you of an evening.

She doesn't give a shit about you, your feelings or your family.

She just want you to stfu and let her do what she wants, when she wants.

What you are feeling is no different to what other posters here post when they've found out their h had another woman.

It's called the heartbreak diet :(

Please understand that this is a normal reaction to what is happening to you.

She needs to give you space, you need to breathe and relax.

I think she's just staying with you, because leaving is daunting and because of the financial impact.

I'm all for working on a marriage, but it needs to have commitment from both sides. You need to state your conditions for giving it another chance. One of those should be a password you know and that she either attends counselling, or reads some affair related books for wayward spouses.

I think you both have low self esteem. I don't mean that in a horrible way, but right now your clinging on to her and your fear is very clear.

I suggest that in the meantime, you try and get out a bit and socialise or take up a new hobby. You would benefit from interacting with others outside of work.

Start working on yourself, as you need to boost your confidence and know that you are someone worth being with.

The more you believe in yourself and recognise that you have a lot going for you, the more desirable you'll be to the opposite sex. I say this, because it's only then that your wife will see she has a man, that other women would be attracted to.

You have boys and I'm sure you wouldn't want their future wives to treat them like this, so (even thought they're young), be a strong no nonsense type of guy... Who they can aspire to be like.

It doesn't matter if you earn less than a woman, you can always find ways to increase income, but you can't buy yourself a lovely personality .... Most women would choose a man who loves and treats them well, over a rich idiot.

I see lots of threads on here from women married to the chief income earner, but he's a selfish abusive excuse for a man.

Never sell yourself short. Know your worth and demand the respect you deserve without fear.

Your wife doesn't want to share her password with you and because she has things to hide.
It's as simple as that.*

I'm not saying to pack up and go. I'm saying prepare yourself for life without her, by building up your confidence.

BTW... I think regardless of the cars being in her name, they are marital assets.

It always seems like good guys get messed up.

Please understand that there now is no normal for you to get back to.

You BOTH have to work together to make a new normal. But you won't ever fully trust her again. Never again.

Please stop taking on the responsibility for fixing this, you can't fix it, you can only process it and work through it.

Only by being 100% transparent, expecting and accepting inspections of phone and internet whenever you want, being asked to explain things again and again, asking for the truth and getting it again and again for as long as it takes - and it could be YEARS - will you and she be in any position to say you've moved on from it.

Judging from her so far? She's not going to want to be that open, she won't give you that space or consideration, so tbh your option is to live in permanent fear, or she goes and you live on in fearsome with the kids

Freedom, not fearsome. Sorry!

Things seem a bit more stable today, it's like my ultimatum yesterday made her realise how serious I am. I'm not going to push the passcode unlock just yet as want her to offer but I won't leave it too long before I do.

Did your depression start at age 15 I wonder?

She is emotionally abusing you. She really is a piece of work. You deserve better, MUCH better. For a start you write very well.

Perhaps a big problem is you feel she is all you have, all your eggs in one (flakey, abusive) basket. Imo NHS councelling is not up to much beyond the few weeks they offer you (after an extremely long wait...), try to find another avenue eg low cost counselling elsewhere (mens orgs?). Most BACP therapists offer a sliding fee scale, just ask (take a look at their site to find therapists in your area). By rights, she should pay for your counselling out of her own pocket...

I do so hope you build and develop your life. How are you at studying? You are a good man. You obviously have a good brain. And a good heart.

I really agree with the PP who suggested working on your self esteem. I feel like we talk about self esteem for women a lot, culturally, and there's not the same conversation around self esteem for men. Your self esteem is just as important as hers, and you have control over yours whereas you don't have any control over hers

Doubt she's going to offer on the passcode, maybe she's thinking you'll forget? Although she should offer, if she's serious about fixing things and being honest.

Sorry welly but don't you feel as if you are doing all the work here, with the ultimatums and internal time limits on things? Having a vaguely similar situation myself in which I feel like I'm the only one making an effort to move forward, and wondering why I should bother alone, quite honestly...

You know that a committed stable relationship shouldn't feel like this. It really shouldn't.

Once you take the steps to work on yourself and build up your self esteem, you'll very likely realise that you'll be just fine without her and wonder why you put up with her behaviour.

I recommend that you start journalling. It's great to put your thoughts and feelings down and it's a way to see how far you've come on your own journey. You see a visible growth through reading back and self reflection.

One thing you should bear in mind... You can't control how others behave.....You can only control your response /reaction to their behaviour.

A man whose wife had a year long affair, didn't divorce her, because they had a baby at the time. 8 years later her served her with divorce papers. She thought all was forgiven... He was just waiting till his DS grew up a bit and so another man didn't raise his DS.

Aged 11, his DS could decide which parent he wanted to live with. For anyone who thinks their affair is water under the bridge... It may come back and bite you down the line.

If staying is what you feel you want to do.. That's your choice of but have a back up plan and don't be fooled into thinking your DW will stop what she's doing and not step up to the next level.

Prepare yourself for that and you won't be blindsided when it happens.

Google the 180 for infidelity. That's what you need to implement. It's designed to protect you and prepare you for an independent life... It often has the effect of waking up the cheating spouse.

PM me if you have any questions.

Fritzdonovan - yes it does feel a bit one sided but hoping if I work on her she'll start to reciprocate later. Sorry you're having issues too btw.

SAndyy2k - what you said about that guy is my back up plan too. In a year my loan ends so will be able to save up a bit just in case, in the meantime I'll settle for boys living with two committed parents and see if I can regain a committed wife as well...

Wells, you should listen to SandyY2K.

"Your wife doesn't want to share her password with you and because she has things to hide."

^
This x10.

"It always seems like good guys get messed up."

And good women too. What saddens me is how hard they fight for the pair of them in a relationship. They think less of themselves, that things are going badly because of them. The partner knows this and allows them to think it's their fault and often using it to their advantage until they feel capable enough to leave the good partner and stand in their own two feet.
All this 'I'm so confused' that they usually spout is just stalling and buying time.
Only by working on himself will Welly come to realise what he needs to realise.

Manipulative people like his wife really get my back up.

Welly you deserve so much better than this. She should be fighting for you, like you are for her, but she's not. I'm sorry to say it but she doesn't care about you enough to try.

I'm sorry that sounds harsh, but I really think that in a few months/years you'll be glad you found out about this. Because it really is her loss. She doesn't realise what she has.

She does seem to be on her phone a lot less now (not sneaking upstairs with it despite having a few chances tonight). I did see her talking to someone while I was washing up but couldn't see what was said and it was a very short message...didn't call her out on it as would rather keep trying to guess the passcode for now (running out of ideas as to what it could be 😡).

I guess she could just be doing the bulk of it when I'm in bed idk...

She seems more like her normal self tonight and is making a bit of an effort but I think she's still undecided right now. Calling me the normal pet names that she uses (hasn't been doing this over the last few days) and was texting me a lot more than normal at work to let me know how kids were etc so maybe this is a good sign?

I'm not stupid, I know it'll take a long time to get over if this is the start of a rebuild and equally I am still going to have an exit strategy if I catch anything.

badabing is right. It's also why she says she wouldn't mind if the shoe was on the other foot. I know she said that to imply that you were over reacting, but actually, it just means she doesn't care.

I'd be mortified if my husband was doing this, because I love him and I want him to love me. That's how she should feel if it was you.

Now off to bed (seperatly). This evening has felt much more normal. She's not touched her phone since kids went to bed (which is a big improvement from yesterday). She's been more cuddly towards me as well as just chattier in general.

Don't know if this is her way of saying sorry without having to say it or good acting but it feels real...

Still going to keep my eyes wide open (as well as my options) but we might be on the cusp of something shifting in her position.

@Suninseptember, you're right. It's also the good women who get messed around as well.

It would be much better if those who wanted to cheat.. Paired up with like minded people... Or even better.. Stay single and sext, chat and have sex with whoever they want to.

My experience has been that cheaters are terribly jealous and wouldn't stand for their spouse doing what they did.

There's a danger in loving someone too much and putting them on a pedestal. They get too confident, that even the discovery of an affair won't lead to a divorce.

One BH actually saw messages between his wife and the OM, saying that he wouldn't divorce her even if he found out, because he loves her so much.

He even started apologising for discovering the affair by secretly recording her... Because she called him a creep. That was until the guys on the forum talked some sense into him and to see her fit for what she was.

When you discover such things as the aim should be to get yourself out of infidelity one way or another.

One veteran said to his wife "You can date and sleep with whoever you want"..." then her smile turned to a frown when he added. "But not while you're my wife"

Try not to watch her every move or you'll drive yourself crazy. A bit of detachment might help.

Even walks to the park, just to clear your head a bit. Don't be so predictable to her.

SandyY2K - she knows that I put her on a pedestal and that her (and dsx2) are my whole world. I think that's why me saying get out shocked her so much and why she seems a bit more normal, think she's worried I'll change my mind about trying again.

I've started getting in the mindset of "if I can't check do I assume she is chatting and just keep an eye out for rl stuff". I've certainly not accepted her doing it but if we are going to work on things I'd rather the issue be online than rl as rl will be an unforgivable. I will give it some time to see if we are heading the right way and then say to her "we're in a good place now, I want the transparency we used to have so will you tell me the passcode now?" If she says no then it'll be a conversation about why not (and probably deep suspicion again) at which point the house searches will start again

I wouldn't say I've agreed to it, just don't see how to force her to stop immediately as I thought k she has gotten herself addicted to it and needs help quitting.

I'm going to give her until Monday as she asked to see if she stops and if not then I will be insisting on the passcode