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Relationships

Help dealing with dw sexting

305 replies

Wellyboots86 · 12/04/2017 07:50

Hi everyone,

My dw and I have been together for nearly 16 years now, met as 15yo and neither of us had any real relationships prior to meeting up (nothing longer than a year). We are the same age.

Like all couples we've had ups and downs over the years, for me the worst bit was a one night stand she had at uni aged 18/19 which I forgave long ago. Only bring this up as what I'm about to discuss has brought the memory back.

We have 2 ds and had a difficult time with #2 being 5 weeks early and subsequent health issue for him (all better now). In hindsight I think we both went through a period of depression over this. Like a lot of couples, sex disappeared after having #2 (until recently only 1 "fooling around" session in about 6m) and some of this is down to juggling young family, work and basically being too tired to do anything by the time ds x2 are asleep.

We've both said recently about needing to make a bit more effort towards each other sexually as we take each other for granted in that way, 15 yrs together and sex is still important to us but not essential.

So backstory over, here's my dilemma....

Shortly after talking about making more effort with each other, dw and I slept together for the first time in ages and it was amazing, felt really connected to her again and both very happy.

Then the next day I was using her phone to check Facebook (I don't have an account and we've shared hers for years) when I noticed an app I've never seen before in a folder with random stuff she never uses. Opened it and it was a chat room app where she had been talking dirty to a few guys! I only had a few seconds to take it in as she came back into the room so I closed it again and said nothing as wanted to wait for her to be in the bathroom etc to have a better look. She was on her phone a lot that night which is unusual as she normally uses iPad and I guess subconsciously this is what made me use phone not iPad for checking Facebook. When it came to bedtime I tried to take up some stuff for her as usual, including phone and she made excuse to keep it. When she came up and went to bathroom I checked again and she'd deleted app but I found a few topless pics in her deleted folder of photo album. Confronted her about it and she said that it had only been going on a few days, she planned on stopping anyway, was bored when I'm at work during the weekend (and joked she was fed up of watching peppa pig) and apologised. I went to sleep downstairs and she sent a lovely text saying how bad she felt and begging forgiveness.

Next couple of days were a bit awkward as we discussed it a few times but agreed to move on and things felt a lot better, we seemed closer and both genuinely in a better headspace. I had said that I can move on as long as it stops.

Then on Friday when she was in the shower after we'd been intimate again, I got a burst of paranoia and checked phone to find she had searched for the app again (nothing on phone and I know it was a new search as I'd put Spotify on phone that morning for her). Said nothing, went to sleep having closed App Store. In the morning (after I'd been up a few hours with eldest ds) she came downstairs as I needed to go to work and I checked phone again, she'd obviously been back on again whilst I was downstairs! Again said nothing as we were in really good place (apart from me inside).

Sunday after work I asked her if there was anything to tell me and she said no, told her I knew she was still going online and she admitted that she was and found it a confidence boost (she has always been conscious about weight) as well as just chatting normally (not just sexy talk) as we don't have any close friends and sometimes when I'm working she feels isolated from the world.

I told her that I could understand (genuinely can) and said what hurt more was her hiding it still by waiting for me to go to work and then deleting app. I said that if it was helping her confidence, helping us be more intimate and helping her be happier then I could forgive and as long as she just left app on phone rather than sneaking around, I'd overlook it. Asked her to stick to chat not pics though and she agreed to just Facebook type pics not sexual.

It's now Wednesday morning and I know that she has been on several times a day since Sunday (I've checked a few times despite her keeping phone close to her). I've read a lot of the chat and it is a mix of normal talk like movies etc but there are a few guys where the dirty talk is pretty full on and (worse imo) she has been sneaking off a few times to take more pics (which I've seen - not as raunchy but still one topless one).

My real issue is this - it is obviously making her happy and has helped improve things in both our day to day relationship as well as massively sparking our sex life. I have zero worries ATM about her doing anything physical as she is telling people she's got a partner and lives 50 odd miles away from where we actually live. I don't want to keep confronting her as she'll know I'm looking and hide things again and also I genuinely want her to be happy. She is a teacher and as it's half term now I think she will "calm down a bit" once back at work as won't have as much free time.

The question is, am I doing the right thing by letting her have some "harmless" fun online as it is clearly helping her (and us) reconnect after a hard year? I don't want to drive a wedge between us again and admittedly it is a bit of a turn on sometimes but the sneaking off to take pics as well as her being up late at night sexting (when she gets up for the loo) is still bothering me a lot. Also, it's only been going on for just over a week so am I just being over sensitive/justifiably so still as it's so fresh and need to give it until she's back at work to properly assess the extent of the problem?

Sorry for the ramble!

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Topuptheglass · 12/04/2017 11:04

I never sent pix.

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Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 12/04/2017 11:04

She is having her ego stroked and before long it will be her fanny. .
Sorry but that's the way I see it.
She is cheating as it is and you are allowing it. .
She made vows to you and she either sticks to them or moves out. .

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Wellyboots86 · 12/04/2017 11:13

I've just had another chat/tried to catch her as she went upstairs to get ready to go out but heard her shut the bedroom door which instantly pinged my radar!

She was still dressed in old clothes and admitted she was chatting but did I interrupt too soon?

Told her that I agreed to trial the chatting part to see if I could get past it/her confidence but the idea of pics still bothered me massively. She admitted to sending clothed pics (which I'd seen last night) but no mention of the other couple I saw despite me pushing quite hard.

I feel like a fool for letting her do this still but there does still seem to be an improvement in her happiness in general (not just sexual) that is making us closer, having a laugh and joke more than normal and both seem to be making an effort (even if it may be in the surface).

I guess a lot of it is that in scared to end it after being with her for half my life and she know that so probably feels she can get away with pushing the limits.

I know that anything physical will end it no questions or discussion and I'm trying to tell myself this is just a phase as I really want things to work out...

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Rezan · 12/04/2017 11:19

Maybe it is just a phase (it could also escalate and never stop) but it would be a deal breaker for me.

Also, unless she is video chatting or meeting these people, she has no idea who they really are, what age they are etc...

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UnconventionalWarfare · 12/04/2017 11:29

Would be the end for me. It is absolutely soul destroying over time to sit there knowing what your supposed OH is doing. It will soon progress beyond pictures and messages and it sounds like they are so wrapped up in it they wont care. It has to end or they have to go...

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Wellyboots86 · 12/04/2017 11:30

Rezan- that's what I'm telling myself atm, it's only been a week and could just be a phase....

Seen no evidence of anything other than chatting/photos yet and I have gps tracked her phone a few times when I've been at work so think we're ok on that front.

Wish I could see the future, be so much easier to deal with this shit if I knew I wasn't being strung along and wasting my time.

Worst bit for me is that I know the way this country works, even though I've done nothing wrong, I wouldn't get custody of the kids and she'd get primary custody. The thought of not seeing them 24/7 kills me and is a large thing holding me back and making me try to move on.
If it wasn't for them I may have left her already....

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FritzDonovan · 12/04/2017 11:31

OK, if you think you can continue with her sexting, you need to make sure she clearly understands exactly what your boundaries are and what the consequences will be if she makes the decision to overstep them. No half hearted attempts - tell her you know she's not been honest and that has to stop if she values your family. I have the feeling she would push them anyway and you don't sound very willing to enforce them. Good luck

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Wellyboots86 · 12/04/2017 11:32

Also we have agreed to try "date nights" etc to rekindle how our relationship was a few years ago and hopefully that'll be enough to keep her offline.

Maybe stupid optimism but I want to believe....

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 12/04/2017 11:37

It's pointless setting boundaries with someone who will not stick to them. You cannot control her behaviour; only your own.

I can understand why you want to stay together but this is done. Both of you have to want to stay. You can't love enough for both of you.

She's even lying to you about what photos she's sending. Her choice here has been made, over and over again.

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IsNotGold · 12/04/2017 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FritzDonovan · 12/04/2017 11:59

anchor do you not think she might have second thoughts if she knew welly would leave if it got physical? No misunderstanding about what is forgivable or not...

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TheCraicDealer · 12/04/2017 12:00

I don't envy you over the summer OP then she'll be off work. Speaking of which, has she thought of the impact this could have on her professionally? If she's sending pics of her face [facepalm] then she could easily pass them them to someone who knows what she does.

You feel powerless in this situation but really you do have control. You're able to decide how you let someone treat you before you say "no more". Her chats might be making her happy, but is that more important than the stability of your family or your feelings? No! It's so horribly shortsighted and selfish of her. And even if she's happy that you're letting her behave the way she is, there is no doubt a part of her that thinks you're a walk over for letting her show her bits and pieces to other men without comeback. I'm sorry but it's hard to find a willing cuckold attractive, especially as she will no doubt continue to push the boundaries. Where do you think you'd have to put the foot down? Because she will get there, eventually. She won't be sated by compliments and flirting forever, like an addict she'll keep looking for the 'buzz' which will become harder and harder to find.

The longer this continues the less respect she'll have for you, because you clearly have so little for yourself. Wake up, tell her it has to stop and if she doesn't it's over, and if someone asks what happened you won't sugar coat the truth. If she's not happy with that course of action then she knows what she has to do.

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Wellyboots86 · 12/04/2017 12:24

Yes it is an iPhone. Basically if photos move past topless onto full frontal then that's it and if I see more than topless (nothing put a thong for example then its final ultimatum time)

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FastMakoShark · 12/04/2017 12:35

This sounds like a real strange way of her wanting to tell you its over but she hasnt got the bottle so is hoping you'll get fed up of her behaviour and do the breaking up for her

Maybe, Idk.

But I don't get the bored housewife thing when you are living together. My ex-husband lived abroad and we rarely saw each other but I didn't feel bored or wanting to get into sexting etc with other men. Not saying everyone's like that as some people are more bothered about sex than others but just that it is possible to not get bored

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HecateAntaia · 12/04/2017 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cricrichan · 12/04/2017 12:36

How stupid of a teacher (or any adult) sending pics of her naked to men she doesn't know! Can you see her face in it? Imagine if these guys post them on a forum and people she knows see them? How is she trusting men she doesn't know with naked pics??

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Pandamanda3 · 12/04/2017 12:41

Im my op!
I agree with other pp's here 'it's only a matter of time'.
She's got a great set up here hasn't she? You sound with respect a bit too easy going, you obviously come across as a lovely genuine guy who just doesn't deserve this shit.
What about you? Your feelings and your needs, don't put your needs on the back burner just to keep her happy, there's a fine line and for me she'd have crossed it.
The vows she made to you were sacred think about it, you did not vow to turn a blind eye to a bit of flashing and sexting.

Why doesn't she text you in that way and you both explore that? But not other men, you are being disrespected and in turn put in this shit situation worrying about access to your dc's and what effect that would have, she's clearky not thinking about them or you.

Not always does a judge give custody to the woman, honestly each case is different. I know 3 people were dad got custody so it's not unheard off.

Sit her down & tell her what impact it's having on you, ask her how she'd feel if you were say chatty 😉 with some other woman.

If she can't take a min to value her marriage and family and stop then maybe you deserve better, I was recently divorsed op from my child hood sweet heart of 20 years he's all I knew and God was it hard but I look back now and think no you get one life and you need to be happy in it not checking every 5 min on how to catch what she's doing, that's no life, your worth more, my god if only all men were as nice as you.
You sound perfect and I don't doubt you would find somebody who would cherish your loyalty but you need to seriously think is it your dw? It hurts now imagine you catching her in the act? Imagine the kids? Take control op whilst you can.
Good luck I really hope it works out for you.

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badabing36 · 12/04/2017 12:45

Exactly Chricrichan if she's a teacher and someone finds out about this she won't have a job to go back to.

This is not ok op, no-one deserves to be treated like this ltb.

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JustSpeakSense · 12/04/2017 12:47

This is not normal, and it's not harmless.

She is a liar and has no consideration of your feelings.

Married couples don't sext other people, and send naked photos.

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SandyY2K · 12/04/2017 13:07

I'm going to dig out a thread from another forum and send you via PM OP.

A man in your situation found that his wife had been doing similar to you wife, with around 80 other men over a period of time. He is devastated at the moment and still deciding whether to divorce or not.

She went as far as secretly filming sex with her husband and sent to a few of the OM. It was a real turn on to those guys. She also took the sexy pics like your wife, but these guys lives thousands of miles away, so nothing physical.

where will it stop

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Adora10 · 12/04/2017 13:12

She has no respect for you and by allowing this to carry on you are showing her you're not worth respecting; I'd suggest you give up, she's not going to change her behaviour; she's not committed to you at all.

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SandyY2K · 12/04/2017 13:20

Of all the times my kids and others are told about not sending pics of themselves in this manner and your wife... A teacher does it. Is she crazy?

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LoveDeathPrizes · 12/04/2017 13:35

It's fantastic that your wife is getting such a confidence boost. She'll be getting a big dopamine hit every time she feels that way. So she'll keep going back to it. She'll hide things. And when the effect wears off, she'll probably up the stakes.

I wouldn't stand for this at all. I recommend therapy for you both.

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LoveDeathPrizes · 12/04/2017 13:38

And for what it's worth, you sound lovely. The fact that you're willing to tolerate so much to see her happy should be the thing that makes her feel good, not random guys staring at pictures of her tits.

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Wellyboots86 · 12/04/2017 13:55

Thanks everyone. The hardest thin for me is the constant lying to my fave. I've said to her please no more nude pics and still she's doing it and lying when I ask her.

It's so difficult when that person is all you've ever known....

I said to her, how would you feel in same situation but she said it would depend how far it went so I think she's just trying to justify her actions...

It is making me upset and mich as I want to make it work I feel increasingly like I can't even look at her!

Just wish I could turn off my feelings

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