Help dealing with dw sexting

[Wellyboots86]

Hi everyone,

My dw and I have been together for nearly 16 years now, met as 15yo and neither of us had any real relationships prior to meeting up (nothing longer than a year). We are the same age.

Like all couples we've had ups and downs over the years, for me the worst bit was a one night stand she had at uni aged 18/19 which I forgave long ago. Only bring this up as what I'm about to discuss has brought the memory back.

We have 2 ds and had a difficult time with #2 being 5 weeks early and subsequent health issue for him (all better now). In hindsight I think we both went through a period of depression over this. Like a lot of couples, sex disappeared after having #2 (until recently only 1 "fooling around" session in about 6m) and some of this is down to juggling young family, work and basically being too tired to do anything by the time ds x2 are asleep.

We've both said recently about needing to make a bit more effort towards each other sexually as we take each other for granted in that way, 15 yrs together and sex is still important to us but not essential.

So backstory over, here's my dilemma....

Shortly after talking about making more effort with each other, dw and I slept together for the first time in ages and it was amazing, felt really connected to her again and both very happy.

Then the next day I was using her phone to check Facebook (I don't have an account and we've shared hers for years) when I noticed an app I've never seen before in a folder with random stuff she never uses. Opened it and it was a chat room app where she had been talking dirty to a few guys! I only had a few seconds to take it in as she came back into the room so I closed it again and said nothing as wanted to wait for her to be in the bathroom etc to have a better look. She was on her phone a lot that night which is unusual as she normally uses iPad and I guess subconsciously this is what made me use phone not iPad for checking Facebook. When it came to bedtime I tried to take up some stuff for her as usual, including phone and she made excuse to keep it. When she came up and went to bathroom I checked again and she'd deleted app but I found a few topless pics in her deleted folder of photo album. Confronted her about it and she said that it had only been going on a few days, she planned on stopping anyway, was bored when I'm at work during the weekend (and joked she was fed up of watching peppa pig) and apologised. I went to sleep downstairs and she sent a lovely text saying how bad she felt and begging forgiveness.

Next couple of days were a bit awkward as we discussed it a few times but agreed to move on and things felt a lot better, we seemed closer and both genuinely in a better headspace. I had said that I can move on as long as it stops.

Then on Friday when she was in the shower after we'd been intimate again, I got a burst of paranoia and checked phone to find she had searched for the app again (nothing on phone and I know it was a new search as I'd put Spotify on phone that morning for her). Said nothing, went to sleep having closed App Store. In the morning (after I'd been up a few hours with eldest ds) she came downstairs as I needed to go to work and I checked phone again, she'd obviously been back on again whilst I was downstairs! Again said nothing as we were in really good place (apart from me inside).

Sunday after work I asked her if there was anything to tell me and she said no, told her I knew she was still going online and she admitted that she was and found it a confidence boost (she has always been conscious about weight) as well as just chatting normally (not just sexy talk) as we don't have any close friends and sometimes when I'm working she feels isolated from the world.

I told her that I could understand (genuinely can) and said what hurt more was her hiding it still by waiting for me to go to work and then deleting app. I said that if it was helping her confidence, helping us be more intimate and helping her be happier then I could forgive and as long as she just left app on phone rather than sneaking around, I'd overlook it. Asked her to stick to chat not pics though and she agreed to just Facebook type pics not sexual.

It's now Wednesday morning and I know that she has been on several times a day since Sunday (I've checked a few times despite her keeping phone close to her). I've read a lot of the chat and it is a mix of normal talk like movies etc but there are a few guys where the dirty talk is pretty full on and (worse imo) she has been sneaking off a few times to take more pics (which I've seen - not as raunchy but still one topless one).

My real issue is this - it is obviously making her happy and has helped improve things in both our day to day relationship as well as massively sparking our sex life. I have zero worries ATM about her doing anything physical as she is telling people she's got a partner and lives 50 odd miles away from where we actually live. I don't want to keep confronting her as she'll know I'm looking and hide things again and also I genuinely want her to be happy. She is a teacher and as it's half term now I think she will "calm down a bit" once back at work as won't have as much free time.

The question is, am I doing the right thing by letting her have some "harmless" fun online as it is clearly helping her (and us) reconnect after a hard year? I don't want to drive a wedge between us again and admittedly it is a bit of a turn on sometimes but the sneaking off to take pics as well as her being up late at night sexting (when she gets up for the loo) is still bothering me a lot. Also, it's only been going on for just over a week so am I just being over sensitive/justifiably so still as it's so fresh and need to give it until she's back at work to properly assess the extent of the problem?

Sorry for the ramble!

[badabing36]

Well done welly, we're all rooting for you. Keep putting your kids and yourself first.

[CMamaof4]

She will never changed as I said before being a liar is ingrained in her, You can't change her thats just the way she is.
Work on yourself and get everything in place for leaving.

[Mumfun]

I agree you deserve much better. It may look dark now and there will be pain and upset to work through.

I didnt know how I would survive. But Ive actually survived and life got much better since getting cheating ex to leave.

It will for you too. It takes time working through and asking for help. Dont try to get through without telling people. You will be surprised what help you will get.

[LoveDeathPrizes]

I'm sorry. And I say this only because I suspect your resolve will weaken - she knows this is hurting you and yet she has actually escalated it. That's how much she cares. She doesn't deserve you and this behaviour is so destructive I can only assume that she wants out.

When she gets fed up - when she realises her self-esteem is crushed by the married man who will shag her but won't leave his wife - please don't forget all of that. You deserve more. I wouldn't expect behaviour like that from someone who didn't like me let alone my partner.

[Hissy]

Once this pain has lifted, and that will take time, distance and then more time, you can focus on what is important: being the best man you can be, the best dad you can be, for your boys. Show them what a good man looks like.

Everything else is outside your control.

You absolutely can do this, it's not difficult, it's not rocket Science, it just takes love, effort and determination.

You have not done anything "wrong" aside from making a mistake in picking a partner like her.. but tbh, I doubt anyone could have seen THIS level of crap coming.

What she has done, and is still doing, is beyond unacceptable. I know you're trying everything not to lose this, but it's not in your power, it really isn't.

You've been fairer than most, more patient than most and tolerant perhaps to a fault, but she has not made any concessions, worse she's swapping numbers

That's revolting. That's skank territory.

Process what you must process, but she has to go.

[Mumfun]

I found it very painful looking at this stuff.

But for information found these useful: www.wikivorce.com/divorce/

This book 99p is comprehensive: <a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/Divorce-Splitting-Up-Advice-Lawyer-ebook/dp/B00RM0ZU6A/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1492719336&sr=1-1&keywords=marilyn%20stowe&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">//www.amazon.co.uk/Divorce-Splitting-Up-Advice-Lawyer-ebook/dp/B00RM0ZU6A/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1492719336&sr=1-1&keywords=marilyn%20stowe&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

And the Marilyn Stowe blog (author of above book)can be useful if you need something detailed: www.marilynstowe.co.uk/

[Wellyboots86]

Thanks mumfun, if that's accurate then the money I can claim will be slightly more than what I'll lose when w stops paying her part of the bills which is a relief.

Annoelouise - I already know I can't trust her as far as I can throw her, just gathering all the info I need in order to be prepared for the inevitable now. Might take a while so will have to "play nice" for a bit until she slips up

[Mumfun]

Sorry about all the pain. But you will feel better not in limbo. Its a horrible place to be. Spend some time planning what you want and will do. This could help re benefits www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/startcalc.aspx

And yes re telling her family. Definitely don't protect her if you split. She doesn't deserve it.

[annielouise]

I don't think you can trust her. She's really taking you for a ride. The excitement is too much to give up. What I would say is you can move on from this and lead a good life yourself and parent the boys together but not be together. You will find happiness in the future and it won't take that long either. Good luck.

[Hissy]

TBF Welly if you're going to throw the "god knows who she'll bring home" love to the arguement , you need to accept that not only did You choose to be with this woman who you yourself met in a chat room, you are also unable to put your foot down enough to request full truth and openness and get it.

Neither of you are coming out of this smelling of roses, every day that you waver about holding out your hand and say "let's see your phone" is a day longer that you'll kick yourself for when you finally do take the decision you need to take.

[pumpkinpilot]

Please though Welly I understand your hurting and angry but do not weaponise your children. If you do get a divorce the only people who will win if things get nasty are the lawyers. Everyone else will suffer.

You need to think about yourself yes but and perhaps take a zero tolerance line to your wife but that does not mean you have to try and hurt her legally or through custody of the children.

[roselondoner]

This is horrible I'm sorry op 😔 if it were me this is not only a huge unacceptable red flag but also a deal breaker, she'd be gone

Hope you find some peace

[Bob19701]

Welly in my opinion you need to forget ultimatums , you have given her chance to stop doing this and she has carried on . End this relationship now do you really want to spend the rest of your life checking her phone and worrying??

[Wellyboots86]

I will be going for joint custody (50/50) as a mini um as we've already agreed to that but right now I feel like pushing for more as her behaviour scares me that she may expose boys to potential harm through meeting someone.

[yetmorecrap]

I feel sad to have to say I think she is actively trying to get your back up to leave, but I do think sadly thats the case. If she was serious about the relationship she would have cut it totally dead the minute you found out--and even then it would be up to you if you could live with what she did (I could not). Yes you should tell her family, otherwise all they will hear is her side of things. Why should she get off scott free from what is really disgusting and immature behaviour. if she no longer wanted to be with you and wanted to be free again, I know thats not what you want to hear at all, it happens, but absolutely no excuse for indulging in this stuff to force your hand, a very unpleasant and awkward conversation would have been sufficient. I think I would be going for at least joint custody too

[Wellyboots86]

Yetmorecrap - I think that is exactly right, she wants me to be the one that ends it either by catching her out (so she can feel like she is the innocent as I've snooped again) or just telling her it's not working.

She seems to think that she can have her cake and eat it by having the security of family whilst doing what she's doing. When I eventually do tell her I will also be giving her 24 hrs to tell her parents before I do and I will be making sure they know exactly why we split. I know they will be disgusted in her and I nearly told her mum on Tuesday anyway as she'd been so off with me at the start.

[Wellyboots86]

BLuebell28 - my plan is to go out at the start of the week and get the legal/financial advice that I need and then keep an eye out for a chance to grab stuff off the phone in case I need it.

Once I have everything in place I will give her an ultimatum of full transparency and counselling or divorce - no flip flopping, one or the other. Even with this I don't think it'll work as I can't trust her anymore and she's lied too many times. It feels like the only reason she hasn't done anything physical yet is lack of opportunity due to kids not lack of wanting to.

[yetmorecrap]

You sound nice, she sounds a bit of a fruitcake to be honest.

[Wellyboots86]

Pumpkin pilot - I'm trying to find a tennis club to join as used to go before we had kids and really enjoyed it, just struggling because of the days I work atm.

[yetmorecrap]

Two things stand out to me, she either wants you to be the bad guy and say you are leaving or she is mentally ill

[Bluebell28]

I would urge you to say nothing to her about it for a week. Today I would check any bank statements of joint accounts. Then move some money into your own account. Stay in the house and tell her she needs to see a counsellor with you if she wants to stay married. Get your ducks in a row. Best advice I was given donkeys years ago

[pumpkinpilot]

I just read the rest of the thread. I am sorry for your hurt Welly.

I do think you need to end this as there are way too many boundaries being crossed.

Logic suggests that she has probably taken things further than you even realise at this point.

To all the posters telling you you have nice guy syndrome fuck them. There is nothing wrong with being nice but you do need to respect yourself and I actually think you will look back on this when you have a new life and realise this was the best thing for everyone.

You do not sound happy (even before this texting issue) and everyone deserves a chance to be happy.

[pumpkinpilot]

Welly I think at the bear minimum she needs to keep her device open for you.

I also urge you to think about yourself and how you can make yourself happier. Take up a hobby maybe a sport club? Try and carve out some time for yourself and perhaps think about how you could improve your employment prospects.

It sounds like you have lost all the power in this relationship and you need to do things to make yourself happier and have a life outside of the family. This will raise your confidence and may help your relationship in the long run although I suspect it is probably over.

[Wellyboots86]

Fritzdonovan - all new, saw it this Mir I got and in guessing it's from when I was at work last night as the guy that gave his phone number was last person spoken to and that was last night for sure.

Springy dafs - haven't ordered yet but I'll look at lunchtime thanks.

The only way we will reconcile now is complete and utter grovelling and transparency from her and maybe not even then.

As soon as I've spoken to the relevant people I will be looking for the opportunity to get her phone away from her to get my evidence and then we will have to have the final talk as she will know I have the phone due to how long I'll need to get full record.

Thought I'd feel devastated but strangely euphoric that I've come to terms with what I need to do for me and kids future

[springydaffs]

You can get first half hour free with a lawyer. They get through a lot in half an hour. See more than one if you need to find the one you're comfortable with.

Did you order the book No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover? I've linked you to a free download (?)