Help dealing with dw sexting

[Wellyboots86]

Hi everyone,

My dw and I have been together for nearly 16 years now, met as 15yo and neither of us had any real relationships prior to meeting up (nothing longer than a year). We are the same age.

Like all couples we've had ups and downs over the years, for me the worst bit was a one night stand she had at uni aged 18/19 which I forgave long ago. Only bring this up as what I'm about to discuss has brought the memory back.

We have 2 ds and had a difficult time with #2 being 5 weeks early and subsequent health issue for him (all better now). In hindsight I think we both went through a period of depression over this. Like a lot of couples, sex disappeared after having #2 (until recently only 1 "fooling around" session in about 6m) and some of this is down to juggling young family, work and basically being too tired to do anything by the time ds x2 are asleep.

We've both said recently about needing to make a bit more effort towards each other sexually as we take each other for granted in that way, 15 yrs together and sex is still important to us but not essential.

So backstory over, here's my dilemma....

Shortly after talking about making more effort with each other, dw and I slept together for the first time in ages and it was amazing, felt really connected to her again and both very happy.

Then the next day I was using her phone to check Facebook (I don't have an account and we've shared hers for years) when I noticed an app I've never seen before in a folder with random stuff she never uses. Opened it and it was a chat room app where she had been talking dirty to a few guys! I only had a few seconds to take it in as she came back into the room so I closed it again and said nothing as wanted to wait for her to be in the bathroom etc to have a better look. She was on her phone a lot that night which is unusual as she normally uses iPad and I guess subconsciously this is what made me use phone not iPad for checking Facebook. When it came to bedtime I tried to take up some stuff for her as usual, including phone and she made excuse to keep it. When she came up and went to bathroom I checked again and she'd deleted app but I found a few topless pics in her deleted folder of photo album. Confronted her about it and she said that it had only been going on a few days, she planned on stopping anyway, was bored when I'm at work during the weekend (and joked she was fed up of watching peppa pig) and apologised. I went to sleep downstairs and she sent a lovely text saying how bad she felt and begging forgiveness.

Next couple of days were a bit awkward as we discussed it a few times but agreed to move on and things felt a lot better, we seemed closer and both genuinely in a better headspace. I had said that I can move on as long as it stops.

Then on Friday when she was in the shower after we'd been intimate again, I got a burst of paranoia and checked phone to find she had searched for the app again (nothing on phone and I know it was a new search as I'd put Spotify on phone that morning for her). Said nothing, went to sleep having closed App Store. In the morning (after I'd been up a few hours with eldest ds) she came downstairs as I needed to go to work and I checked phone again, she'd obviously been back on again whilst I was downstairs! Again said nothing as we were in really good place (apart from me inside).

Sunday after work I asked her if there was anything to tell me and she said no, told her I knew she was still going online and she admitted that she was and found it a confidence boost (she has always been conscious about weight) as well as just chatting normally (not just sexy talk) as we don't have any close friends and sometimes when I'm working she feels isolated from the world.

I told her that I could understand (genuinely can) and said what hurt more was her hiding it still by waiting for me to go to work and then deleting app. I said that if it was helping her confidence, helping us be more intimate and helping her be happier then I could forgive and as long as she just left app on phone rather than sneaking around, I'd overlook it. Asked her to stick to chat not pics though and she agreed to just Facebook type pics not sexual.

It's now Wednesday morning and I know that she has been on several times a day since Sunday (I've checked a few times despite her keeping phone close to her). I've read a lot of the chat and it is a mix of normal talk like movies etc but there are a few guys where the dirty talk is pretty full on and (worse imo) she has been sneaking off a few times to take more pics (which I've seen - not as raunchy but still one topless one).

My real issue is this - it is obviously making her happy and has helped improve things in both our day to day relationship as well as massively sparking our sex life. I have zero worries ATM about her doing anything physical as she is telling people she's got a partner and lives 50 odd miles away from where we actually live. I don't want to keep confronting her as she'll know I'm looking and hide things again and also I genuinely want her to be happy. She is a teacher and as it's half term now I think she will "calm down a bit" once back at work as won't have as much free time.

The question is, am I doing the right thing by letting her have some "harmless" fun online as it is clearly helping her (and us) reconnect after a hard year? I don't want to drive a wedge between us again and admittedly it is a bit of a turn on sometimes but the sneaking off to take pics as well as her being up late at night sexting (when she gets up for the loo) is still bothering me a lot. Also, it's only been going on for just over a week so am I just being over sensitive/justifiably so still as it's so fresh and need to give it until she's back at work to properly assess the extent of the problem?

Sorry for the ramble!

No! Not "if i can't."... Tell her she needs to be completely transparent about her internet usage!!!

What the others said. There is no excuse for anything else but full transparency. She has disrespected you enough. In the long term you must be treated with respect in every way. She will walk all over you otherwise.

Your 'D'W sounds like a selfish cow. She really has got quite a cushy number hasn't she? Nice secure family unit, with two lovely kids and a husband who worships her and is willing to stand by whilst she insists that she has to use a chat app for her "self esteem". I'm not thrilled with how my body looks right now but guess what, I'm not taking photos of my tits and sending them to random blokes on the internet.

I - sincerely - wish you the best of luck with your reconciliation. But I cannot help thinking that you should try and focus on building your career and securing your independent financial well-being, because your marriage does not have a great deal of longevity by the sounds of it. She doesn't want to talk about it, wants to gradually wind down rather than go cold turkey, doesn't want marriage counselling...Gosh she really does sound like she's fighting for the survival of her relationship, doesn't she? A cynic would say that for her to swing in 24 hours from being glad that the marriage is over because she is "bored", to wanting to work things out, is motivated more by the realisation that she'll lose her comfy lifestyle with you, rather than a burning desire to maintain a relationship.

I think you should also keep a weather eye on the amount of care you do for your kids - if you aren't careful then she will position herself as the primary caregiver and then in the event of a split you could find it difficult to get 50/50. Get a better job sorted, savings in your own name and if possible, try and ensure your job is flexible or shifts are built around the kids so that you can demonstrate - if needed - that it would be quite feasible for you to take on 50/50 care.

You sound like a lovely bloke; if it all goes pear shaped MN is a great place for support if you are separating/divorcing. I also think that you could do better. Much better. It sounds like you are the one with self esteem issues, not her.

So yesterday went pretty well. Nice Easter egg hunt in the morning for ds1 then spent the afternoon at my dads. She was very relaxed around me (and me around her), messing around in the car (singing along to the radio which we haven't done for a long time) and there wasn't any awkwardness. She didn't pick up her phone at all, stayed in her bag the whole day.

On the way home she opened up and told me a lot about what she'd been talking about and how she'd told that guy I knew about asking to meet and stopped talking to him. She has never been this open before about it so taking it as a good sign, she genuinely seems to have found a couple of people that she can just talk to about day to day stuff (our boiler broke Wednesday and she's been talking to someone about that as he's an engineer). She used to go on chat rooms a lot before she met me (how we met) and I think there is still that craving for new conversation that she doesn't have in rl

We are off on our first date night tomorrow and I'm hoping things are heading towards a better place.

She's still wanting some privacy but I think I can work on that with a bit of time and tbh I might change my passcode for a bit just to see if she likes the fact she can't see everything whenever she wants in order to know how it feels for me and maybe get some access that way...

Oh dear. You really are being a doormat.

I admire your positively Welly, But I still think she's playing you like a fiddle, Perhaps if you had a few friends you would have realised this earlier in your relationship being able to gain more advice.
I always remember my ex (he was like your wife with the lieing) when he was apparently "quitting smoking" coming out with the fact he felt so amazing giving up smoking, how fantastic he felt, told me it was the best thing he had ever done. Then, the next day I found cigarettes in his pocket and he admitted he had never given up at all, Completely bizarre behaviour, like he was trying to impress me somehow but lieing the whole time. But that's what liars do they reel you in with their bullshit... Sorry.

I've started doing some online training in order to help promotion prospects at work now as well as going through the info on the 180 for infidelity stuff that SandyY2K recommended.

Trying to put myself first more now, consciously not mentioning anything about what she's done, letting her make all the gestures of affection and basically trying to get on with my life/improve it in order to either go self sufficient or else have a better level of self esteem and work through my problems.

Realised this morning that there's no point worrying about what I can't fix - marriage if she doesn't want to etc and am trying to put myself in a better place going forward.

Good, Glad to hear, Try and make some friends too, If you have any friends from your past u could reconnect with? Or possibly someone from work?

I haven't seen childhood friends in about 16 years (I moved away and both sides were rubbish at keeping in touch). There are some other guys at work I could maybe go out with, feel like I know them well enough if it was a work do but would feel a bit awkward on a night out but that may be as I've been a social pariah for so long!

She's noticed that in not checking up on her and joked that she hopes I'm not trying to retrain so I can leave her as she'd rather have the time together than money.

Guilty conscience, worry I'll leave and she'll struggle, genuine want to reconnect? We shall see

Good for you Welly. You need to look after yourself and put yourself in a better position as it's not clear-cut what the future holds.

She's noticed that in not checking up on her and joked that she hopes I'm not trying to retrain so I can leave her as she'd rather have the time together than money.. Wow! She just becomes so much lovelier with every post you type.

We had a really long talk last night, first time we've slept in the same room since this began (nothing happened). She said that she felt I was still looking over her shoulder all the time/trying to see phone screen.

I told her that I'm trying to ignore it as I know she's still talking to people and I just want to get on with life and not feel paranoid all the time. She said that she is only chatting to a couple of people now and there isn't anything sexual going on anymore, she told me when she went upstairs earlier that she was going to check messages but wouldn't be long as still trying to give up. Said I'd rather she didn't but at least she'd told me rather than sneaking off which is an improvement.

Had a long chat about what we both want out of our marriage going forward, including sexually and have agreed to both try some new things to spice things up in an effort to bring the excitement back to us and not need validation from strangers as this is an area where we have both been unhappy for a while. She said again about how her childhood trauma has screwed up her views on what is and isn't ok to talk about/do with others and I said that I can understand confusion but that doesn't mean I have to like it!

Going out in a few hours and hopefully things continue to inch forward as feels like we have made some progress even if she is still doing some stuff that I dont like. Just keep telling myself that I can't change her unless she wants to change and focussing on working at what I can change - work, quality time with dsx2 etc.

Still conflicted over what I want long term but I'll see how things progress...

You're a far more understanding person than me. Good luck!

Yes you need to bring it to a close. It is totally disrespectful. How would she like it if you were messaging lots of women.

Continue to build your own life and do the list of improvements you have identified.

Dont be a doormat. Strong independent people who have energy and are passionate about pursuits they enjoy are attractive. Doormats who dont do much arent.

Like I said recently you just need to focus on yourself and have your goal in mind.

She's already started wondering why you aren't checking so much on her.

All those people saying he's allowing her to do xyz... He can't force her to stop it, he can only control his reaction and response.

When you care so much, you have the least power.

You do what you need to do and she'll be the same. Make your boys your number 1 priority. If she carries on this way, she'll very soon be the outsider.

Whilst you do all this, be civil, don't be mean about it, just always know what you have to do.

Your attitude to this is curious Welly. You are treating it like she has an addiction, like she is not a professional adult with free will who vowed to forsake all others, (as far as I know flashing your boobs at strangers is not addictive).

But lets just say she is an addict: if someone is an alcoholic would you think it was ok if she had a glass of wine every day? If she was addicted to heroin would you be ok with her shooting up once every day? Would you be ok with her refusing help?

It's actually been frustrating reading your posts because you delight in every slight kindness she shows you (whilst she is still chatting to other guys) when they should be part and parcel of a marriage not some major breakthrough. It seems you have next to no self esteem, allowing yourself to be treated with such disrespect.

I understand about the children and your concerns but letting her continue to do this is insane. It is destroying your marriage. You might still live together but really have no marriage to speak of. Just housemates who occasionally have sex.

I do wish you the best though.

Ah well at least she's back at school now. Where she will no doubt stop/ use the stresses of work to justify it to herself and do it after 3.30. I would imagine she's moved to texts by now. Keep that in mind. These things tend to escalate faster once they're hidden.

So date nights been fucking mixed. Really bad roadworks so we missed the meal which ended up in a big row and then having 20 mins apart before coming to the show and then part way through the show she wants to hold hands and is apologising.
Really don't know where my head is at anymore. Every time we argue it feels like that's it. I need to focus on getting some money behind me as don't think things are going in the right way.

Just going to focus on my boys from now on

Haven't seen any evidence of texts yet btw lovedeathprizes but I will keep an eye out trust me!

Welly I've read all your thread. I've been on both sides of this.

Your biggest problem is you're a typical "nice guy" and it isn't a compliment. Nice guys/girls aren't actually nice, they are weak. They are scared of confrontation, they are people pleasers. They don't ask for what they want, they put up with bullshit to be liked. And they are often angry/ depressed about this ill treatment. I'm not saying this to be hurtful. I used to be like this and it got me nowhere and made me very very resentful.

In most cheating stories ( mine included) you will usually hear about how nice somebody was, too nice.How they always put them first and did all this nice stuff. Nice is not exciting, nice is not sexy. And here's a really important bit, when your wife sees that you are too scared to stand up to her, she will subconsciously realize that if you won't stand up to her, you won't stand up to anyone else either. And that's really bad when an aggressive man comes along or the kids are in trouble.

You sound utterly dependant on her. Having no friends is your choice, but it does mean little socializing and nothing to talk about other than work and kids. It also means that partners have to provide everything, all entertainment, all support, and when someone is emotionally dependant on you like this it creates a type of parent child relationship.

You probably feel you can't do anything or she will divorce you, but the truth is that if you don't do something she actually really will divorce you
.You need to read no more Mr nice guy by Robert glover urgently. You need a counsellor also, because this toxic niceness is crippling you and has probably been negatively effecting your marriage for a long time.

You also need to see a solicitor urgently and get divorce papers drawn up. They're only a few hundred quid and nothing happens unless you sign them and send them off. Even then you can stop it anytime. If you decide to get divorced its one less thing you'll have to do. In the meantime hit the gymm, be out of the house and contact old friends.

I did notice that you said you would have to learn to cook. This is not acceptable in any way and something you need to resolve quickly.

Your wife is to be blunt taking the piss, man up, save up and to quote the Welsh tell her 'to do one'

Wow, thanks for kicking me when I'm down Roguebiscuit!

To be fair you have a point, I have been too nice. As I've previously mentioned, my temper has gotten the best of me in the past (when I got depression and lost my job for arguing with boss) and I do consciously try to stay calm whenever possible to the extent that I probably go too much the other way day to day.

She's seen me stand up and protect her before so knows it's in there but I also know that I've been too soft over all of this.

We are both as bad as each other for the social side. I am going to go and see a counsellor as want to sort things out to either work on marriage or else build confidence to end it.

Solicitors might only be a few hundred pounds but when you don't have it that's still a lot! Looking at a 2-4K boiler bill right now so all my spare money is going towards that.

The cooking comment was not a complaint btw, I often offer to help/do cooking but w enjoys it so always says no. Got no issues with doing it just meant I needed to learn how to do it better so that dcx2 can continue to eat the same kind of good meals that w does now if we split.