Dating Thread 116 - come join us!

[InfoSec21]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Yes, just checked, there is a red link at the side of every message which says 'report this message for inappropriate content' - do that.

what is kindest/best to do if you don't want to continue to date someone after 2 dates. message to call it off or phone. Lovely guy just no chemistry for me.

Mumfun message is fine at two dates I think. No point in prolonging the agony.

mumfun as mango says, just send a message saying something like nice to meet you but you didn't feel a connection. Hope you find the right person.
And don't let them try and change your mind. Just ignore any messages he sends back.

How's things RunnyMummy with MrGym?

Hi all,

What is the consensus on kissing on first dates? Too forward? Only if we both feel like it. But I want him to understand that i want a romantic relationship and sex for sex's sake really does not interest me.

I have googled but I need mumsnet's wisdom on this. Thanks

Ps the date might not even happen but then it might, who knows?

Well, it goes without saying that it's only if you both feel like, doesn't it?

But, as long as that is true, then it's fine!

mango on Monday I told Mr Gym I needed time to think. Then I messaged him yesterday to say I would give him a second chance but we need to talk more about how we feel etc. He replied straight away to say he was really pleased.
Then I decided to leave it to him to contact me again. Which he did this morning. For someone who thinks he doesn't want commitment, he seems to be doing most of the chasing.
I still have my fake profile and he hasn't been online since Monday. And I've been checking as much as I can.

Hi I hope everyone doesn't mind me checking in and out of this thread. I get put off dating for a while then come back. I'm looking for advice again, I guess just to sound out whether or not I am being uptight.

So I have a date arranged for this weekend and have spoken to him on the phone twice now. He hasn't asked me what my name is. I asked him his and then there was silence. Is this a bit weird?

Both times now when I have spoken to him he has said that he wants a relationship and doesn't do one night stands but it is 'inevitable that it will happen'. I told him that I like to get to know someone first before sleeping with them. Then he would ask would I be tempted to go back to his on the first date. I said no. This conversation would be fine to me if it was the once but he kept bringing it up and saying if there was a connection it would happen at some time. Then he asked several times what I thought of him and what I was thinking.

Would these be red flags/appropriate before you have even met someone or am I being uptight?

ElsasAuntie - he sounds weird sorry!

Fortuna - thanks for your reply. We were in constant communication up to 200 messages a day (!) for past 6 weeks. But since the date last week it has been less than 10 a day. This is probably a more sustainable level of contact and means I am no longer on my phone constantly so is good in some ways, but this along with last weeks slightly weird date, the lack of arranging another or rearranging tonight's cancellation all adds up to a loss of interest I think. Am going to try to chill and see how the next few days pan out.

Elsa- personally I would find that too pushy and it would probably put me off wanting to meet them tbh. Someone should be able to read the signs esp if someone states they would not do it, he's basically not respecting your answer at all. This part should be him on his best behaviour!!

Heartbroken - I haven't kissed anyone I met online on first date, but mostly because I think it takes me a while to warm up to someone when I have just met them. But if the chemistry was strong and they made a move I may!!

I have never NOT kissed on Date 1 tart

Thanks polarbear and plenty- I am quite shy so I was worried that I was being uptight.

ElsasAuntie that would red flag it for me, avoid avoid!

Elsa I suppose next time you are in touch with this guy you could just drop your name into the conversation.
Heartbroken give him a kiss if you want to. A rather pleasant ice-breaker if he floats your boat!

I had my date on Monday.
He is shy but sweet.
After a drink I was happy to go for something to eat. He insisted on paying.
Later on we went to the pub, again he wanted to pay - I suggested that if I did not get to buy a drink I would just go home.
After aforesaid drink there was some snog action.

We have spoken since Monday.
He goes away (out of UK) for several weeks tomorrow with work. So date two is going to be in May.

L soup

RunnyMummy, fingers crossed, really hope he comes through and you'll be able to stop checking soon. It's soul destroying but I think you're right there is an addiction element. Good luck.
I'm having a bit of a rest from online, date with Mr Photographer on Monday very goood from his perspective but I was really concerned how much his ex was still in his life. Just talking a little to a lovely Danish chap off line but very slow, very easy. Who knows.

Elsa, he sounds weird.
Heartbroken, yes go for it 😊

Thanks. As I said the date might not even happen but I want to be prepared and I don't want him to think that I am "fast" (sorry I know it sounds Victorian, but that is the idea).

Thank you for the responses about blocking on POF, I reported him last time he sent me abuse from a new account and his profile was removed, he hasn't contacted me from the one he has just set up, hopefully he won't but if he does I will report.

I had a message on Tinder today but it was from someone I matched with whilst I was away last weekend, a shame as he looks really nice and we share a few hobbies, I have replied to him but I know he's too far away.

Some of you mentioned making a fake account as the opposite sex in order to suss out the competition in your area.
I was bored earlier and did just that. It felt weird. Most of the women appeared to be blonde and showing more flesh than I do in my photographs.
Some also had those funny lips and ears you are on Instagram and Bookface.
I read some profiles were "interesting"
For example
'Do not send dic photos as I have seen them before'
Also.....' I will fill this in later, please just ask what you want to know'

Not exactly enlightening.

Lsoup

I'm tempted to do that just so I can see the competition but I don't think it will help me because I don't know who is doing well and who isn't. It could be interesting though!!

Question to the floor. We've all said before how we dislike it when someone we're talking to just vanishes. Seemingly mid flight, it's going well and then bam, gone. I'm talking before meeting here.

Do any of you though when on the guilty side of this, actually tell the person that you've changed your mind and wish to stop messaging now?

If so, what the heck would you say!!?

Heartbroken I always kiss on date 1 if it's a good date (if we are out for drinks). And wildcard slept in my bed on date 1 . No sex though.
We appear to be spending this weekend together. He kept telling me I was beautiful and adorable. I like him but staying grounded. I don't really feel like dating the others though, even though I said I'd multi date. Doesn't feel right now.
Info, no I just disappear. And though it's annoying I think I'd prefer that. Feels less of a rejection!

Info - the only times I have done that is when I have been talking to several people at the same time and a front runner appears, or I go on a date which goes really well so then don't want to continue chatting to others.
The one time I did tell someone was when we had actually made a date and given phone numbers etc. I then had a really good first date with someone so didn't want to start dating him too so was really honest about the reasons and he was really nice about it.
I think this is a reason to try to meet someone relatively quickly as it all can move pretty quickly

I've told them before info, I've said that I think we're probably not suited, but good luck, and in one case I said something like 'well I hope you find someone nice but I'm going to move on now as it's really difficult trying to have a conversation with you' - this was a woman who would send monosyllabic responses and never ask questions.

Mostly though I just let it fade out, to be honest. It's just like in real life. You have a few minutes of conversation with someone and unless there's some kind of spark you just move on.

Elsa - that guy does sound weird. It makes you uncomfortable, so drop it. Who'd want to meet someone who is saying you're foreordained to sleep with him on the first date but doesn't actually want to know your name?