Can I ask about weight and how your partner deals with it?

[catscurledupbythefire]

I'm going to try to be honest here, but it's not easy. Don't flame me:)

I am greedy, always have been. But I was a normal sized child. Tiny bit chubby at thirteen, mother practically had a nervous breakdown, food became a hugely contentious issue. I was anorexic (though at the less serious end of the scale) at fourteen/fifteen and then discovered if I exercised I could more or less eat as I pleased, so I did.

When I met DH I was a 'nice size' - about between 9 and 10 stone which at my height is pretty much perfect. I've never had a knockout figure anyway so wasn't arsed about that. It was always the hair for me. I was lucky (still am) to have a lot of lovely fair hair so everyone commented favourably on that and so that was the 'thing' that gave me confidence.

But ... over the years, I've gained weight and it's affected us. Since having the first baby it's been a cycle of losing weight and gaining it and now I am ashamed to say I've put on FOUR STONE since my last pregnancy and I am pretty, well, huge.

Doing things as a family is hard, we went to the beach last week and I was all puffed out chasing DD. And clothes - I can't walk round in rags but just the same I can't expect DH to fork out for an entire new wardrobe every time I lose or gain a stone. And I know it affects our sex life. He still says I am beautiful but there's always a 'but' there.

So to get to the point of this we are away this weekend. DH has asked me if, from Monday, I could 'seriously consider' losing some weight. He is worried about my health, has told me I am setting a bad example to the children and I am not the same person he married.

He's right, so why do I feel so pissed off? And how would you feel?

Well, yes, but it wasn't really intended as a "how do I lose weight" thread, as I know how to lose weight for me.

I haven't once said I'm too overweight to exercise.

Lem it is tough. I agree on that!

The problem is your mindset of 'it's a quick fix or no fix'

You are incredibly negative about what you can't do and are unwilling to even look at it.

If you sought to make sustainable changes in the long term it would work but you won't get that instant gratification you are seeking.

Until you address this, your cycle of losses and gains will continue.

As other have said counselling would help you.

You also say you don't have any junk food in as you would eat it all, but then you still managed to binge on a family bag of crisps and lots of bars. I'm not surprised your DH was horrified.

Well, the thing is Olivia I didn't wake up one day and decide to be negative, you know?

Believe me it's trial and error and I have had many, many errors. I have had counselling, and it made not a jot of difference, but thank you. I am actually okay but not where food is concerned and that's fine, I can live with that.

I "still managed" to binge on junk food because I went out and bought it.

Slimming world is great if you have a big appetite. I found it easyish to stick to and its more slow and steady, but sustainable.

I'm glad you have something that works for you :)

I wasn't saying that you just woke up being negative- but equally you ARE negative and I do think that's a big part of why you are stuck in this cycle.

You need to take a big look at it all op otherwise nothing will change.

To go out and buy all that junk food is pretty shocking. There clearly are emotional issues with food.

I wish you well but I don't think you are truly ready. You've had some brill advice on the thread.

I know you weren't olivia but just the same do try to see it from my point of view. Either I lose weight, or I don't. I have a way of losing weight. Everyone is saying 'no, your way is bad.' Then telling me off for 'not being ready.'

This is exactly where is goes wrong at home because husband is supportive until it effects him and then suddenly he isn't supportive.

I have a lifelong condition. I am never, ever going to recover from it. I can only manage it. That is how I see it.

Everyone is saying 'no, your way is bad.' Then telling me off for 'not being ready.'

No, not everyone is.

As I said upthread, my doctor recommended a complete meal replacement plan for me, but combined with the 'head work' as I call it. That's from a doctor. If I'd listened to all the self proclaimed experts telling me how damaging this was I'd never have got to where I am now. I'm improving all the time. If you go down the complete meal replacement route it's vital to get checked by your GP and to move up through the other programmes to learn how to eat again and slowly reintroduce possible trigger foods. That's where people go wrong, they go for fast weight loss without doing the thinking to identify their issues and do not follow through on the rehabilitation. It's not a quick fix, it's hard work.

I also said that unlike everyone else who thinks they know best and will tell you how they think you ought to proceed, I couldn't tell you what the best way forwards for you is, other than recommending you do the thought diary and try to find the pattern of your triggers and try to work out why you are how you are and how best to tackle your particular issues.

Sorry! You're right - most people!

I've only really skimmed the surface on here. Food is my worst enemy, it really is. Can't remember a time when it wasn't a battle.

I understand, I really do.

Many drink, smoke, do drugs, or spend money to feel better. For me, my weakness is food.

It's my reward and my punishm not in one. It buys me my highs, my lows and allows my not to feel at all which was such a relief at times.

Those diaries were the start of understanding the circumstances that led to my binges. They helped me to recognise the sequence before it got to the stage where it was too much and I was out of control.

I learnt to identify my danger times and I interrupt the cycle so I could take action to avoid the escalation and not then be out of control. Being able to identify and take avoiding action meant it was much easier.

Focussing on diet was never the answer because diet was only achievable when life was good and what I actually needed to do was learn how to cope when things weren't good because the binges undid all the dieting and I never lost weight.

One binge of 7,000 calories undies more than one week of dieting and that saying I only binged once a week! So understanding and challenging the behaviour was the key.

Everyone is saying 'no, your way is bad.' Then telling me off for 'not being ready.'

No they aren't several posters have said they have also done/are doing VLCD.

I am using MFP and rarely go over 1000 cals on it. I know that isn't really recommended but it works for me.

People are harping on about attitude (being "ready") because whether you like it or not it is necessary for successful long term weight loss. You know how hard it is, and without a positive "can do" attitude you are much more likely to slip back to old habits.

I focused on exercise a lot in my previous replies partly to try and reassure you that the gym isn't the be all and end all of exercise (as your early posts only seemed to mention the gym and classes), but also because you mentioned your level of fitness and struggling running around after your children. Diet alone will not make a dramatic change to your fitness. You can also be overweight but have a decent level of fitness if you are exercising (enough to be able to run after the kids at least).

If you sincerely believe that there is no form of exercise you can tolerate/enjoy then it will be harder for you to get where you want to be, but not impossible. I wish you all the best.

Sorry about the typos.

Joysmum I identify with all that. Like you, I eat to not feel. It's a distraction. Sometimes I need that.
Chops you're being unfair. I have repeatedly explained my stance re exercise. I can do some, I will do some, but it isn't critical to weight loss.

If you want, start a thread in weight loss section and we can encourage each other. I'm doing slimfast and hopefully 30/day shred.

If you do, @me and we can shed together.

Sounds good :) thanks

Met dh when I was a size 18. Got to a size ten a few years later. Got pregnant, and several years later I'm an 18 again. Lots of failed attempts to sort it.

Every now and then he will say "well why don't you do something about it" when I've moaned but never anything else. He acts like I'm the sexiest thing to ever grace the planet. I feel horrid. But he worships the ground my chubby feet walk on. I don't get it.

I resonate with what you say about sulking. If anyone else ever mentions my weight negatively, I make a huge sulky deal about how it's no ones business but mine and I like being this way etc.

It's hard, OP. Do it for yourself (and your kids) no one else.

I do understand that in the real world most people wouldn't be able to find their dp as attractive with such drastic weight / appearance changes. I'm grateful mine does.

But he worships the ground my chubby feet walk on

How lovely NewPurrs!

I am starting online dating myself. Could do with a bit of worshipping.

We just eat too much don't we, nearly everybody does. Food is so plentiful, so cheap and much of what is available and advertised is rather fattening. We are constantly given good guidelines by the government and the health police that is basically wrong. Margarine was wrong! Three meals a day was wrong! Cereals, once touted as a good breakfast, is now wrong! Eggs are in! Ad nauseum.

We just don't need so much food as we eat, we don't need to eat as often, and we can eat less processed stuff.

Its difficult if you're a foodie like me. There is fantastic food everywhere. Just walk into an M&S any day of the week! I remember when a thrill was a ready Vesta curry from the corner shop!

I feel that in a sense we have to fight against our culture to retain our physical shape and health.

As for the OP's question, all I would say is its something you have to do for yourself. Its not really to do with a partner or anyone else. Its about you and your own health and how you want to feel.

food guidelines I meant.

That's why I like cambridge; no worrying about eggs or Margarine or bread!

The Blood Sugar Diet might suit you - 8 weeks of 800 calories a day. It's a diet that's been devised by Professor Roy Taylor (amongst others whose names I've forgotten ), that is being used to reverse type 2 diabetes.

Maybe although that's not a lot really

You say you "know what works" for you, OP, but then you describe how you're very heavy now & have been for a while, which makes you unhappy. So you haven't found something that works for you at all. You have something that sometimes works for a short spell but it's no solution at all. I bet there's something better you could do instead, that would be more long-lasting.

Op, I think maybe you need to read the thread properly. What people are basically saying is when you use a VLCD it will work to make you lose weight, sure, no doubt, but that way of eating is absolutely not sustainable long term, and as such due to your previous cycles you are likely to go back to your old eating habits once you have lost what you deem to be enough weight. When you do go back to your old eating habits, as you have done in the past, you will simply gain the weight back, and so your cycle continues.

As such finding an eating plan that will enable you to lose weight but also retrain your choices so you don't have to go through this again is a much better option for you.

The reality is VLCD doesn't work for you, no matter how much you shout it does, because if it did, you wouldn't be four stone over weight. You'd have done it once and had the weight stay off instead you're heavier than ever. Does that make sense? losing weight is not just about losing it. It's about also maintaining that weight loss and that is the bit VLCD are missing and it's the key bit you need.

Yeah but lljk and bluntness it works insofar as getting the weight off. I'd have regained if however I lost it. Believe me :)

Personally I like Alternate Day Dieting or 5:2. The "Warrior Diet" also is a favourite. Ultimately though I believe you have to find what works for you though, depending how you are with food (I'm a foodie-type!). I tend to alternate between the three depending on how I feel. I'm not a fan of long-term VLCD or Cambridge diet, except v short term, preferably in alternate day stuff. Ultimately, the thing is to learn how to enjoy food at the lower amounts that our bodies need. And to ignore government bloody guidelines!

Some of us are naturally greedy and society and advertising and supermarkets cater to our every whim. We always have to think how our body feels about it.

I am just sorry I spent so many years/decades faffing about with diets. Maybe we are "on a diet" until we get to roughly where we want to be, but then we have to really face how we stay where we feel happy, healthy and comfortable - soooo important. Otherwise this yo-yo business that our bodies really don't like, creates extra "skin", metabolic issues, self-esteem problems, new wardrobes, and so on.