Can I ask about weight and how your partner deals with it?

[catscurledupbythefire]

I'm going to try to be honest here, but it's not easy. Don't flame me:)

I am greedy, always have been. But I was a normal sized child. Tiny bit chubby at thirteen, mother practically had a nervous breakdown, food became a hugely contentious issue. I was anorexic (though at the less serious end of the scale) at fourteen/fifteen and then discovered if I exercised I could more or less eat as I pleased, so I did.

When I met DH I was a 'nice size' - about between 9 and 10 stone which at my height is pretty much perfect. I've never had a knockout figure anyway so wasn't arsed about that. It was always the hair for me. I was lucky (still am) to have a lot of lovely fair hair so everyone commented favourably on that and so that was the 'thing' that gave me confidence.

But ... over the years, I've gained weight and it's affected us. Since having the first baby it's been a cycle of losing weight and gaining it and now I am ashamed to say I've put on FOUR STONE since my last pregnancy and I am pretty, well, huge.

Doing things as a family is hard, we went to the beach last week and I was all puffed out chasing DD. And clothes - I can't walk round in rags but just the same I can't expect DH to fork out for an entire new wardrobe every time I lose or gain a stone. And I know it affects our sex life. He still says I am beautiful but there's always a 'but' there.

So to get to the point of this we are away this weekend. DH has asked me if, from Monday, I could 'seriously consider' losing some weight. He is worried about my health, has told me I am setting a bad example to the children and I am not the same person he married.

He's right, so why do I feel so pissed off? And how would you feel?

Keep going at the gym, in the words of Nike....just do it!

It'll take a while, but you will eventually love it. Start with body conditioning type classes and build up to HIIT. The body conditioning classes tend to have every age, shape and size. To be honest all the classes do, but if you are out of shape you'll find the HIIT style harder. Go to classes, as then you'll push yourself.

Please don't let your size put you off, I go the gym at least 5 X per week and really don't pay attention to other people in any marked way. Am certain no one else will either. Most people are focussed on themselves. I did body pump yesterday and there was a considerably larger lady in front of me. She lifted twice my weights and kept up better than me. Made me feel useless!! I know it sounds like I am contradicting myself saying I noticed her weight, but I don't notice in a judgemental way.

My only other advice is don't reward yourself with food afterwards.

Good luck!

Naiceham I disagree with "you can only do it for yourself". Doing it for her children is a perfectly valid motive for making a lifestyle change like this.

Being slim enough to join in family activities and being healthy enough to see your children grow up and reach adulthood are often major motivators,especially for people lacking the self-esteem to do it for themselves!

OP, I realise it hurt to hear your husband address your weight, but if my husband was not able to participate fully in family life for a reason he could choose to control but didn't, I'd probably bring it up with him too

Oh, I definitely can't do classes. In any case exercise is secondary in many ways it just makes me hungry. I need to focus on the diet really.

I really worry about setting a bad example for the girls in particular ... ideally I want to eat a varied diet and encourage them to do the same.

I hear you about enduring exercise, I've been the same. I tried couch to 5k and did week 1 three times, humping along like a sack of spuds each time I had to run. However I challenge you to dislike a walk outside in the spring weather!! At your own pace, in clothes that mean any chubby bits don't rub and really focusing on the scenery rather than the struggle.

I am in a similar situation where I've ballooned post children and despite his best efforts to hide it, I can tell DH simply doesn't fancy me in the same way. I need to make sustainable changes without getting stroppy about it all. If you'd like a making-changes buddy then please do pm me!

Making changes buddy sounds good!

Walks are always nice, although I do struggle when it's just me and the girls, which often happens. I need arms like an octopus!

Have you tried low carb high fat, op? It does work. Also, if you're severely restricting your diet, that can exacerbate the bingeing cycle I think, because your brain then tries to get you to eat loads in order to stop you from starving. It's a primitive brain response I think. Apparently this is why anorexia can lead to bulimia.

I'll be doing cambridge but I do hear what you're saying about the bingeing cycle. Problem is I know what I'm doing but not how to stop it!

If you want a sustainable life change then Cambridge is not the way to go, it's just another form of severely restricting your intake.

You sound just like me although I was nearly 17 stone when DH (who had also put on weight) sat me down for a serious chat. I already knew that things were out of control and wanted to change - knowing that he would happily eat healthier and exercise alongside me made it easier to finally get on with it.

Check out the Reddit loseit board for loads of great tips and advice. Use your gym membership, I started going 3 times a week at 16.5 stone so you can certainly do it at 14st. Tell your DH that he needs to do the childcare to give you time to go.

Make small but realistic changes to your whole family diet. No fizzy drinks, less alcohol, no sweets etc. Cook when you can rather than microwave meals or takeaways.

I've lost over 2 stone since January and feel so much better for it, and I know I've made changes that I can keep up for life.

I've got the opposite,mine tells me I don't need to loose weight and he loves me as I am..I'm also large.(I put a stone on going vegan,too many yummy vegan cheeses)..we all have to do it for ourselves.i joined a gym and(when I go🙄)That helps.

My DH looks at me I disgust. He said he doesn't understand why I am ok with my weight. I have put 3 stone on since starting anti-d but am so much healthier mentally and happier. I register as overweight and am a size 16 so not enormous but I would like to lose some weight but right now it isn't a priority.

His disgust and judgement make me wonder wtf I am doing with him. This is the first time I havent judged by self worth on my weight. He seems to have taken over the mantel.

Well done on the two stone.

The problem is I will eat healthily all day and then binge eat at nine o clock. I just CAN'T 'diet' normally. And the length of time if would take me to lose 4 stone makes me depressed. I don't drink alcohol anyway so that's no problem. It's literally just food. The other night for instance we had a vegetable pasta bake with avocado and butternut squash and peppers - lovely. I ate that - and then binge ate 4 Picnic bars, a family sized bag of crisps and some sweets. DH was pretty appalled.

My DP has put on a lot of weight since we got together and it does make life slightly harder due to him being less fit.

I still love him to pieces. I still find him really attractive It effects our sex life a little bit but that could also be to do with kids and jobs and houses and housework !!

But I do really really worry about his health. I want him to be the best he can be forever with me.

I do tell him this often and then apologise for it.
But
I would never actually ask him to lose weight cause Weightloss is a complicated thing and it is incredibly hard to do and he knows himself he needs to lose a bit especially as we are all getting older

How will doing Cambridge stop you binge eating in the evenings? Don't have the foods in the house then you can't eat them without making the effort to go out and buy them.

Sorry to bang on about LCHF, but once your body becomes used to using fat as fuel instead of carbs, you find that you aren't particularly hungry, which is the best bit of it for me. I do get a bit hungry, but don't get that really horrible low blood sugar desperate hunger where you could literally eat anything and end up eating 17 chocolate bars or something. It might be worth looking into? I remember my mum doing the Cambridge diet and it was miserable for her (and didn't work)

Another vote here for low carb! I really recommend following the boot camp on here.

Low carb is incredibly easy, and it genuinely suppresses my appetite so I no longer have the urge to eat my body weight in pasta (only to feel ravenous an hour later).

It's v easy to fit in with family life too, and no weighing or counting calories.

Like you, I used to be able to exercise the weight off. But I don't have that kind of time anymore. Also - stop the press - no amount of exercise can undo a bad diet!

I hope you find your happy place again; I was an eternal yo yo dieter and it's so depressing and time consuming. Low carb really liberated me from the constant thinking about food person I used to be.

🌞

I was 14 stone 1.2 at my very most and am now 10 stone 9 and confident I will be able to get down to about 9 stone 7 so, if you want to do it, it's very much possible but I really think you have to do it for yourself and you also have to do it sensibly. I have a daily calorie goal and I can't eat more than that but I do make sure to get very close to it and to eat a variety of foods. I guess you probably already know this but when you said you was 14 stone 1 I thought 'that was me not so long ago!' so thought I should comment.

I wouldn't do the Cambridge or any strict food restriction plan. It won't work long term and it will perpetuate the cycle.
Instead I would look at losing the weight over a year and really making changes that will last.
I joined something called The Supercharged Club. It is all about looking at your goals and your barriers to reaching them and is really sensible around building healthy eating and exercise into your life. Have a look and see if it might work for you.
superchargedclub.co.uk/
So many of us have broken the dieters mindset through the support.

I don't really get why you can't do classes if you are only 4 stones overweight. There are women on mine who are a lot more than that.

There's a bit of theme in your responses that centre around what you can't do, rather than what you can do.

I guess if you are only going to be doing it to please your partner and not yourself then that would make sense.

Going on a Cambridge diet sounds like lunacy. You might as well post that you intend to go on a crash diet, lose some weight and then put it straight back again. At least something like slimming world and the gym would be sensible.

My DP knows I'm unhappy about my weight and will try to get me stick to whatever diet/exercise plan I'm doing at the time. He will say, why don't you do this today or why don't we have this for dinner etc. I am quite lazy also and very easy to persuade to fall off the diet wagon, so sometimes he can be harsh (not nasty) but I know it's only because he knows how unhappy I am.

He still tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me every day, he still finds me attractive and can't keep his hands off me. So sometimes I find it hard to just lose the weight for me when I know he couldn't care less.

If exercise makes you hungry you can eat, just not 4 picnic bars, but to be honest you'd be better exercising and eating 4 picnic bars than not exercising and eating them.

Cats..that's emotional eating..I do that when I'm stressed ,but then throw it all up again..I think it might help if you work out how you are feeling when you over eat...in my experience the only safe way to loose weight is to do it slowly over time...and crash diets lead to binging and in my case lead to bulimia,which I still struggle with on and off..

Are you actually "huge" OP? The problem with eating disorders is that they fuck up your perspective.

I had an eating disorder for about 15 years and I never saw myself how other people did. I saw the sizes in my clothes, and figured I was thin, but when I looked in the mirror, I didn't see it. I've put on a similar amount to you over the last few years and weigh a similar amount. I try and avoid looking in the mirror as I feel that I'm huge, but I wear a 16 consistently, so again the labels are saying differently.

I know I'm overweight and I would like to lose a couple of stone, but the eating disordered part of my brain says that only by losing 5+ stone would I look good again, so why bother 😕 . I denied myself food for so many years, whereas now I love eating.

My husband would never mention it though, because he wouldn't want to send me on that downward spiral again.

When you want to binge at 9, it may be your body's way of saying you're tired and you think you need more energy. You probably actually need to sleep.
Have some water and think about going to bed.

I also agree that it's better to eat decent food. When you go out for the afternoon, take a picnic lunch. Take a nice salad with chicken and some fruit for yourself. It might not be what you fancy but you'll feel full and pleased that you stuck to healthy nutritious food.

The problem with things like the Cambridge diet are that they re-set your body and you WILL put the weight back on, fuelling the up and down cycle.

If you are binging in the evening I really think you might benefit from some counselling to look at why you are making those choices.

As for feeling stroppy about it, you are not alone. I think it's a combination of not wanting someone else to tell you what you already really 'know' and partly because fundamentally we want to be able to eat exactly as much crap food as we like and still stay slim and healthy. This doesn't happen in reality and we get stroppy with facing that truth. Understandable, but that's the part you need to address. Me too if it helps?!

Just to add. cats, I am bigger than you. I started the new year at 15.7 and now down to 14, from low carbing.

I really relate to your binge eating too, so you are not alone with this!

I want to be down to 11.7 by my birthday in November. As others have said, slow is much better for you than crash dieting!

PM me if you want to buddy up.