Can I ask about weight and how your partner deals with it?

[catscurledupbythefire]

I'm going to try to be honest here, but it's not easy. Don't flame me:)

I am greedy, always have been. But I was a normal sized child. Tiny bit chubby at thirteen, mother practically had a nervous breakdown, food became a hugely contentious issue. I was anorexic (though at the less serious end of the scale) at fourteen/fifteen and then discovered if I exercised I could more or less eat as I pleased, so I did.

When I met DH I was a 'nice size' - about between 9 and 10 stone which at my height is pretty much perfect. I've never had a knockout figure anyway so wasn't arsed about that. It was always the hair for me. I was lucky (still am) to have a lot of lovely fair hair so everyone commented favourably on that and so that was the 'thing' that gave me confidence.

But ... over the years, I've gained weight and it's affected us. Since having the first baby it's been a cycle of losing weight and gaining it and now I am ashamed to say I've put on FOUR STONE since my last pregnancy and I am pretty, well, huge.

Doing things as a family is hard, we went to the beach last week and I was all puffed out chasing DD. And clothes - I can't walk round in rags but just the same I can't expect DH to fork out for an entire new wardrobe every time I lose or gain a stone. And I know it affects our sex life. He still says I am beautiful but there's always a 'but' there.

So to get to the point of this we are away this weekend. DH has asked me if, from Monday, I could 'seriously consider' losing some weight. He is worried about my health, has told me I am setting a bad example to the children and I am not the same person he married.

He's right, so why do I feel so pissed off? And how would you feel?

I'm the same a binge eater. I struggle with moderation and for some reason just can't do it. Am hoping to lose about 4/5 stone and need to get my head in gear.

If anyone wants a buddy feel free to pm me.

I wouldn't worry about what others are thinking in the gym. I lost over 6 stones with Weight Watchers and the gym. I was miserable and had no confidence before I lost weight. I gained 4 stones due to antidepressants and hormone treatment. I felt so much happier after losing the weight and the gym helps reduce my stress too. I've put 2 back on which I'm not happy about but I've been back on plan and at the gym. I get very red and sweaty but to I still got this red and sweaty when I was at my goal weight so I know it's just something I have to put up with. I have lost 9 pounds during the last few weeks and I am already feeling so much better. Nobody will be judging you negatively and if they do then that says more about them than you. I must look ridiculous 'running' on the treadmill as well as my fat arse I also have deformed knee caps and massive boobs (thankfully there are no mirrors! ) but I don't notice anyone else even looking in my direction. I just put my head down and headphones in and zone out from what's going on around me. You'll soon start to see the benefits

OP - there are a few issues to unpick here. First there is your relationship with your husband, and how your weight (and his opinions about your weight) make you feel.
Secondly there is the emotional binge eating, which is not just a general dieting issue but a very specific psychological one - as others have said, do explore what you're thinking and feeling when that happens and look at what lies behind it.
Third is the question of exercise and what you need in order to be able to get started on that - regardless of your size. Do you need more time to yourself in your daily routine? Are there practical things like having the kids for an hour or so which your husband could do to free up your time to exercise?

Fear not! This is all solvable ! but the best way to approach it is to break it down into a series of separate things.

I'm a regular gym user and can confirm that nobody is judging anyone who's overweight. I'm a bit overweight myself but love a good body attack class.

I think some people , myself included, just do go very red and sweaty when working out, it's our natural response. To me, it's wonderful as it's a sign I'm really pushing myself.

The people I judge at the gym are the ones with their makeup still perfect after a class. I'm not sure they get the point of exercise!

'Train ugly' as they say :)

Have you tried swimming with the kids?
Much less pressure on your joints whilst your heavier but works most muscles and it's great for building lung capacity meaning the more you do the more you will be abled to do?

The kids will love it to. Once you get into a routine it will become normal for you and the over eating will become not so normal or your go to.
Exercise is as addictive as food but it's getting past the first few days which need determination and a strong will power.
Tell yourself your doing it so you will feel so much better.
Start looking at clothes that you can invisage yourself in once you've shed some weight and keep it in your mind every time you feel a wobble come on.

Getting over the initial hurdle will make all the difference.

I do the five two and it works well.
Your restricting for two days a week but become resourceful with the amount of food you get for the calories so you make better choices. On the non restrictive days I still calorie count but again I'm eating so much more veg and fruit than I was.
I feel much better and no sugar rushes or energy slumps as I eat small amount regularly so no gorging and binge eating.

Its made a massive difference to my energy levels and how I feel and is sustainable as it's not a fad diet.

I have recently started going to gym and also hate the way I look in the mirrors there, in my mind I am not that overweight red-faced person with the big bum, that's some other person. But like Beastie I just put on headphones and try to ignore the mirrors. Really really don't think about what others are thinking. They probably aren't thinking anything at all.

I think you're not ready to start making the changes you need to make. Every one of your posts has a get out "but" clause in it. You're too fat for classes, you can't go for a walk because you need 8 arms to control the DC, exercise makes you hungry blah blah blah.

You won't succeed until you get to the point where you just do it because you can't not. It's not healthy to keep starting things (anything) and failing, so don't do it until you want it for you and you alone.

Good luck.

It's hard doing any exercise at the moment, really, because I am so big

Any moving around is exercise so do what you can. You tell any person who is a healthy weight to carry 4 stone around all day and they'll find that next to impossible. So do what you can and your own body with provide resistance and weight training. Losing your weight just changes the types of exercise you can do and you can up the intensity

Ok, so firstly a bit about me so you have context. I'm a diagnosed binge eater. I've successfully dropped all my weight 3 times and regained, but not to the extent I was. First time was 6.5 stone, second 6 stone, third 4 stone. My doctor recommended Lighterlife 12 years ago. It's similar to Cambridge but with additional input to try to identify the psychology behind our issues. I learnt that I feel safer when I'm big, I was raped as a teenager. I've used Cambridge and Exante to break the cycle by removing all conventional food and then moved onto higher plans which include conventional food and moved up through the plans to help me find the balance. It all goes wrong for me when I feel exposed to risk and quickly seek my fat blanket to feel safe again. My required blanket is getting thinner each time.

You'll get a lot of advice about what you SHOULD be doing. I hate that word, 'should'. 😡

This is all about finding out how/why/what/when/when you eat is more important than being healthy? I believe that most of us who are largely overweight KNOW what we should and shouldn't be doing and the effects of our destructive habits, yet our temporary diet/lifestyle doesn't become a sustainable long term change and we regain. The question is why? It's not just about what we eat, but why?

My biggest tip is to do a food/thought diary.

In this you don't just record what you eat, you record any time you want to but don't. You need to think about context. So record the time, the place, what you were doing and your emotions, what you fancied eating.

Chances are you'll find a pattern. These are your triggers and flash points. From there you can work out how you can best challenge those triggers and break the cycle of how you react to them.

My trigger feelings were guilt at having a good life (I wanted to punish myself for not reporting my rapist who I know continued with subsequent partners) and feeling powerless when I felt I wasn't being listened to or my opinion considered.

My trigger times were just before DD got home from school and after she went to bed. My foods were cheese and cake. I could eat 3 days of calories in one sitting and not realized id done it until I physically couldn't stuff anymore in. When it happened it was like being in a trance, doing it bought me nothingness, so peace.

A complete meal replacement plan is the only way I've ever got anywhere with my weight and believe me, I've tried everything! Breaking the cycle of reliance on conventional food is the key for me.

I can't recommend a diet for you as we are all different, as is our solutions, the only thing I'd say is right for everyone is to write your diary focussing on the circumstances, rather than calorie counting as it's about understanding yourself and working out what you need to change.

Best of luck.

Op, you do seem to have a rather defeatist attitude, there is lots of "I can't" in your posts.

Ultimately only you can make you lose weight. If fundamentally you don't want to , no diet in the world will work, and even if you manage to lose a little it won't stay off. There is a world of difference between wishing you were slimmer and wanting to lose weight, the latter takes a lot of hard work.

As for your husband, I think it's fair enough, he is being honest, and whereas it is arguable he should love you at any size, I really don't think there is an argument he should fancy you at any size. In addition if excess weight gain makes us behave a different way, be unable to join in certain activities, or struggle with certain things, and change our appearance to an extent we feel we appear unattractive to not just our spouse but to ourselves,, then yes I think that can change the dymancs of a relationship negatively.

So I'd be honest with yourself, and then him, do you really deep down want to embark on a weight loss journey?

I'm familiar with the self conscious feeling of exercising when overweight. I've been very overweight too, and have since been very slim. Whenever I see anyone exercising I just think good on them, whatever their size.

If you can get past the feelings of resentment you could end up really enjoying getting fit. You have to own it though and be doing it for yourself.

Diets are awful things - devised by the slimming industry to perpetuate the bingeing cycle as other posters have said. Look up Rebelfit on Facebook - they focus on positive body image, ditching the scales and doing exercise at home or wherever is convenient for you, food as fuel and not obsessing over calories and fat content.

As a side note, whenever I see someone not super skinny running, cycling, swimming, at the gym etc, I do a little internal cheer for them. They are taking control and getting fit. Yay them. and I really wish I could get off my arse to do some exercise like them

@catscurledupbythefire I haven't read all the replies so don't know if this has already been suggested but there is a closed group on Facebook called Fat Girl Getting Fit - it's full of women who are in a similar position and it's a really supportive and encouraging group. It's a closed group so nobody can see if you join it so there's no need to be worried from that point of view 🙂

Also just to add, there is a page and a group - both the same thing but the group is where other people can post and show stories etc. The page is just the page of the original woman who started it x

Cats, walk into that gym with your head high. You are there for the same reason everyone else is there. To improve your health and your appearance. Everyone was a newbie once and you don't know their stories, some will have started very overweight, the big muscle men didn't start out looking like that, and all of them are still working on themselves just like you are.

You belong there just as much as the old hands do.

Have you thought about going to a bootcamp? They can be a good kickstart to a weight loss plan as you lose weight quickly and also boost your fitness levels. The food is very healthy, just low-to-no carbs and obviously no drinking etc. It needs to be the start of a healthy eating/exercise regime though as it's easy to put weight back on, but I found them very helpful and quite therapeutic as all women, you make friends etc. If you don't fancy that there are juice fast/yoga retreats (though I prefer doing more cardio exercise and some food!). I know it might sound faddy but I think when you feel like you have a mountain to climb, it really helps to lose a good bit of weight quickly as you then feel more confident exercising and can do it more easily and you realise that you can lose weight! It's hard to feel that sometimes when it's a pound at a time (though that is still good!)

OP, I was where you are this time last year. Had put on 4 stone and was so unhappy. DH is a fitness freak and the difference between us was shocking. I could see the looks on people's faces when we were out together. However, he's always maintained that he loves me whether I'm big or slim.

It was me that had had enough of feeling crappy about myself. I joined Slimming World last April and reached my target in January. I still go every week as I know if I don't, I'll just put the weight back on.

@Joysmum thank you for sharing. I hope you've received some help regarding the rape that must have been awful for you.

Like you I do find I'm better on something restricted like Cambridge as it removes all convenience and thought. It's hard and no fun but I have found it easier.

I was a size 10/12 when I started seeing my husband at 19, 3 children and 20 years later I was a size 16 and over 13 stone. He never said anything negative, said that I'd given him 3 beautiful children and that he still found me attractive. But...... Last year I'd had enough of being fat. I couldn't wear the clothes I wanted because I looked horrible and was embarrassed by my weight and was worried about the health implications of being over weight. Last September I started slimming world at home, I've never attended a meeting just brought the books from eBay. I now weigh just over 10 stone and am size 10/12 again, I weigh myself every day to keep an eye on it but am not obsessed by it. I feel so much better, I can run, I don't get out of breath, I can wear clothes I actually like. I'm so looking forward to buying summer things! I've got rid of all my bigger clothes so if I do put weight on I'd have to buy more but I honestly don't think I will as I'm so much happier with how I look and feel. If I can do it anyone can.

Until you stop buying those crisps and picnic bars I can't see you stopping the bingeing. Everything needs analysing in your eating, hunger, activity and attitude to weight loss.

No doubt you know what constitutes healthy foods so you are going to have to learn to buy and enjoy them so an apple really does become as desirable as a chocolate bar.

You can do this but only if you learn to eat differently for life, not just a few weeks or months. Can you set yourself a target of perhaps a year with some smaller targets along the way?

FWIW I would never dream of judging anyone of any size who is in a gym, it just wouldn't cross my mind. As far as I am concerned, EVERYONE is there to lose or maintain weight, and there's a certain comradery about this common purpose

If you have this posh gym membership use it! You have to start somewhere, so it might as well be somewhere luxurious where you can go at your own pace.

I am a regular gym goer (2 stone overweight) and I honestly don't look at other people or think how they look.

I now do a lot of classes and they are fab. I particularly like Zumba (so pissed off I missed it this morning with a cold!) which is old women, young women, fat, thin all having fun. Some people can't do the steps, it really doesn't matter.

When I started going to the gym I just got on the cross trainer and slogged away for as long as I could manage. 5 minutes at first! But I quickly got fitter. I lost loads of weight, which I kept off until the stupid premenopause hit me 4 years ago.

Your husband sounds like he is trying to help you. It's really hard, but I don't feel attractive bigger, so I know I don't appear as attractive. I would not find my partner as physically attractive if he was 4 stone heavier. Mentally yes, and I would still love him. Just being honest.

Get to that gym, you can do it!

This isn't a dieting or exercise issue. You have an eating disorder. If you can eat a high calorie dinner then eat another 1500 calories in junk food that's not just emotional eating. I think you need to seek some support from a binge eating disorder group before you think about doing a VLCD.

Too many "I cants" coming from you when in reality they're "I won't".

There's nothing stopping you from going to the gym. People of all shapes/ages/sizes use the gym! I know there's some judgemental arseholes out there but I can promise you not once have I noticed anyone taking the piss out of an overweight person in the gym.

Honestly though, I would hate it if my DP put on a load of weight. I don't find it attractive, plus it isn't healthy. For me it would show that 1) he didn't care about his health, and 2) he doesn't care enough for our relationship to make an effort with his appearance.

Don't get me wrong I don't expect him to stay in perfect shape. He's far from in perfect shape! He doesn't go to the gym, nor do I secretly wish he would. But if he piled on a huge amount of weight purely out of greed/laziness then yes it would bother me.

I understand wanting to look good for your DP and there's nothing wrong with wanting that, but you also need to be doing it for yourself too, otherwise you'll just find it a chore.

Just a suggestion, could you try 'fasting' from 7pm to 7am (9pm to 9am on weekends). It hits the time of your worst eating and also ime cuts cravings. Eat normally and plenty in the day (get out of the habit of panicking you will 'be without' - which you have trained your body is what will happen, by restriction), and learn to tolerate hunger. Have a 2 year plan (long term thinking) and practice 'getting back on track' after a bad day, a holiday or an illness (it's ok to go off track, its the carrying on that needs work). Don't weigh yourself, just aim for feeling better. I really admire that you can try to hear what your dh is saying, and recognise how your upbringing affects your response - time to parent that inner teen better I think.

If someone is underweight ,actually often if they're a healthy slim weight or lose weight (not even a drastic amount) then people are often quick to point it out to people and worry about them (often unnecessarily).

If you can't run around after your kids then your weight is visibly affecting your health, if a skinny person didn't have the energy to run around then people would be falling over themselves to intervene and advise them to gain weight and that would seem perfectly acceptable, the right thing to do in fact!

From speaking to male friends in the past about this, weight gain isn't necessarily something that bugs them, it's the things that go with it in a lot of cases, like low self esteem, low body confidence which often affects their sex lives, constant complaining about weight and talking about diets.

And from speaking to both male and female friends a general lack of fitness is often seen as unattractive although some don't really care.

If weight gain is affecting you badly and it sounds like it is then don't waste these years of your life like that.