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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've just done the most ridiculously stupid thing...

170 replies

callmestupid · 07/04/2017 14:02

My husband and I are separated and I've just text him to tell him I'm going on a date tomorrow and I would love nothing more than for him to give me a reason not to go. Of course he hasn't responded so now I feel like a monumental twat.

When is the ground going to open up?

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/04/2017 09:27

Being prepared to listen & talk to your DH is not 'going backwards'. It's not like you've been divorced 5 years, you are still in the middle of all of this, it's fresh, it's current & it needs discussing.

Original poster

callmestupid · 09/04/2017 09:36

There are such a variety of responses and opinions on here. It's very reflective of the inside of my head and just confirms that it's not as straight forward as some people would have you believe.

OP posts:

Original poster

callmestupid · 09/04/2017 09:41

I think the biggest thing with going on the date is that it's made me realise that there are other men out there who are interested in me and I can have a nice time with someone else. Which means that I don't have to "settle" for a life with my husband just because it's all I know. It means I can properly evaluate what I want rather than thinking it's something I need.

OP posts:

Elland · 09/04/2017 09:47

It's more than acceptable that you said all them things to your husband after he cheated on you, they won't (or at least shouldn't) be held against you.

I wouldn't send a long text explaining everything to your DH, maybe just a text saying you're ready to talk and listen. You don't have to commit yourself to anything and it will give you the chance to get some answers. Ask him what he ideally wants before you give anything away. You can open up the communication without putting yourself on the line or open to rejection.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/04/2017 09:51

At the time there were points at which I just wanted to take my head off & put it in the fridge.

Try writing down what you are feeling, thinking, just write, don't think.

Original poster

callmestupid · 09/04/2017 09:56

Thanks Annie. I'll try that. But I guess the head in fridge option isn't a viable one? I think that would help my hangover if nothing else!

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/04/2017 10:37

No, I tried all kinds of things to dislodge it, but it wasn't having any of it.

🙃🤣

I'm finding it hard to know what to say. It seems very sad for this to be the end if you still love him, he still loves you and you both want to be a family.

However, having tried to get past an ex cheating, I'd never do it again. It's too soul destroying. I loved him so much, I really tried to accept it had happened & move on, but I couldn't, it just ate away at me. The mitigating circumstances didn't alter what he had done. They made it harder for him to make the right choice, but not impossible, he still chose to do it.

However, just remember, that if you decide to try again with DH, that's NOT a one off decision for life, if you try & aren't happy, you can leave at anytime.

Original poster

callmestupid · 09/04/2017 10:47

I'm a bit lost. I text my husband this morning to ask how DS is. He replied and said he had a bad night. And he's had a few tantrums this morning. I haven't replied and I normally would. I'm not intentionally not replying, I just don't know what to say. DS has been playing up since the separation, understandably, and it's me who gets the brunt of that as it's me who is mainly there. So while I do feel bad that he was upset in the night and acting up now, it is the reality of having a child and he's only having to deal with what I deal with most days. But I don't want to seem like I don't care about DS. And there is a part of me that hopes my husband thinks I'm not replying because I spent the night with the date guy and I'm too busy with him.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/04/2017 11:26

How old is DS?

I'd reply with something like 'Yes, poor DS has been like this since we separated. It'll take a while for him to get used to it'.

Sympathy for DS, but clearly leaving the ball in DH's court.

I totally understand wanting to hurt DH, wanting him to think you're with the other guy, making him jealous and hoping it makes him see sense. It's normal, natural.

Is the woman he cheated on you with totally off the scene?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/04/2017 11:28

Was the cheating a one off encounter or an affair that went on for a bit/long time?

Booboo27 · 09/04/2017 11:32

I would just ask him outright if he sees any possibility of reconciliation, or if he's completely done. It's scary and gut wrenching to leave ourselves open to that level of rejection, but at least you would know where you stand and would get a definitive answer which might help you to move forwards with someone else. Just prepare yourself that you might not get the answer you're hoping for and that you'll be making yourself feel quite vulnerable. If you don't ask him outright then the alternative is always thinking 'what if' and clinging onto the hope that you might still have something with him

Original poster

callmestupid · 09/04/2017 13:00

It was a one off thing but it was with someone who he knows, who he still has to see and I think since we have separated he may have continued to see her. I'm not sure. I don't want to ask. Although, of course, he may not have told the truth and it could have been going on for longer.

OP posts:

Original poster

callmestupid · 09/04/2017 13:33

OK. So I'm picking my son up this afternoon, do I say to my husband at the time about arranging a time to talk? Or am I best to text before so I can be more direct and less distracted by the handover, especially if DS is pleased to see me and wanting all of my attention.

OP posts:

Booboo27 · 09/04/2017 13:50

I would say face to face that you want to arrange a time to talk. You'll be able to judge his reaction better and see if he looks pissed off at the thought, or whether he also seems keen to talk things over

Original poster

callmestupid · 09/04/2017 13:53

He has said before that he wants to talk but never seems very committal about arranging a time. I don't know if he wants to talk to make more formal arrangements for separating or if he wants to talk about us. I don't think I'll be able to tell anything from his reaction on that basis anyway.

OP posts:

FerdinandsRevenge · 09/04/2017 15:12

I don't mean to be rude but you're wavering quite a bit, this is a person you made a child with. You don't need all the formality, just tell him how you feel when you see him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2017 15:16

Yes just tell him you want to talk. It will be hard not knowing. Or you could say to him you want to talk about whether there is a possibility of reconciliation. Then if he says no, you will have to accept this and move on.

Ferrisday · 09/04/2017 15:35

This is your husband
And this is your life
Fgs
Just tell him you want/need to talk

Yes he cheated
But you've indicated that you could forgive him
Everyone says and does things in the immediate aftermath.

Personally I think going on a date 2 months into a separation is ridiculous.

Talk to him
Figure out if you really want him back and this is feasible or you are just missing him.

It's very hard to be separated from someone who you were once very close to and presumably talked to a lot. Don't forget that. It's a huge adjustment regardless of the hurt feelings and sadness/anger involved

NancyWake · 09/04/2017 22:13

Exactly! It's not a cheat or nothing OP.

I felt sure yesterday that the OW was still around. That's why he's not beating down your door, he's got other options, and he's not really bothered. It's in many ways easier to start a new relationship than to fix a broken one.

It's really a moot point if you could forgive him or not if he's still seeing her.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/04/2017 01:46

How are you doing?

How did it go when you collected DS yesterday?

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