I've just done the most ridiculously stupid thing...

[callmestupid]

My husband and I are separated and I've just text him to tell him I'm going on a date tomorrow and I would love nothing more than for him to give me a reason not to go. Of course he hasn't responded so now I feel like a monumental twat.

When is the ground going to open up?

You set him up to fail here really.

If he says "dont go" then it raises hope that he wants a relationship again, if he says "go" then youre hurt that he doesnt care at all and potentially makes the handovers of your son awkward.

Going on this date doesn't have to mean that you will keep seeing this guy or anything.
Would you enjoy the whole process of getting dressed up etc and just going out with another nice adult for food/drinks? Would looking at it like that take the pressure off, you don't have to feel bad at cancelling etc.
Definitely sounds like you're not over ex yet, and that's ok.

I put myself out there with my ex too, OP. Not because I had a date but because I miss him.

Radio silence should have made his feelings clear, but I pushed for an answer because I'm sick of him thinking that silence is an acceptable answer. Anything to avoid being the "bad" guy.

Long story short, he's not interested. I think the fact he hasn't said anything makes it clear what he wants.

Sorry OP. It's properly shit.

OP, I think you need to get over your ex completely before dating again. I know it's so shit, I've been there. So sorry you're going through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Best wishes.

I don't agree with cancelling the date. Go on it. Take the compliments and the pampering, it is good practice for the future.
I was dating the very next day. Loved it. Still dating and loving every minute of it. meeting interesting people. Adult conversation. Contact with someone outside your circle of friends. Adventure and excitement. It might be a shit date, but that is part of the experience.

If he says "dont go" then it raises hope that he wants a relationship again, if he says "go" then youre hurt that he doesnt care at all and potentially makes the handovers of your son awkward. What about him saying, all the best, I wish you nothing but happiness. Oh no, that'd be the grown up and decent thing to do.

Ok, this wasn't meant to be a drip feed but I knew you would all judge the situation negatively and say I'm better off without him if you knew that he had cheated and that was the cause of the split. Ultimately I think I can forgive that cheating now I know more about the circumstances - I'm sure that some of you think I'm an idiot just for that, and that's okay, everyone has a different threshold of what they can live with. So I think his text is in relation to the fact that if he doesn't like the idea of me going on a date he's not really in a position to object given his own actions.

I think the photos of your son are more to keep the lines of communication open but purely regarding the kids. I think that's him changing the subject.

I know that whenever I tried to take over old ground with my ex he was very good at redirecting in this way.

Go on the date...platonic-friendship kind of date. It isn't anything more than an outing- nothing more than that. Fun. So what he's a man.
Then decide how long to put off the second date. The bloke probably knows it is too early as well to think about relationship... unless he is a sleepy chancer hunting for a rebound shag . (You'll need to turn your twat radar on at some point.)

Yes, I think it was a way of changing the subject.

Just go on the date. He does not deserve you and it was he who did this to your son

Oh, I didn't read the update! Hmm, yeah that does change things a bit.

I don't think his response is any worse than the OP's message to be fair.

What was he supposed to say to that?

I'm going on a date, but I still love you would have been a more honest message. It's unfair on him to do that, hard as it is

OP go on the date. You never know what will come out of it.
A bit of attention from the opposite sex can do wonders to your confidence.
You ex has no leg to stand on.

On the face of it, I'd now say yes, get on with your life. What are the mitigating circumstances that would make you believe you should see if he wants to try again?

sleezy

Do you want to go on date with me instead?

If you really want know, text that.

It's tempting Violet.

A big part of the problem is that we haven't had a proper conversation since this all came our. There was too much anger to begin with. What I really should have done is sat down and talked to him but I refused to listen. Which was stupid and now I regret that but now it's so difficult to talk and have a proper conversation.

To be fair, your text was just as cryptic as his replies.

Why not say "I'd like to meet to talk" or "Do you think we can move on from this?"

I am guessing he sent you the photos of your child to say he still thinks of you as a family? But I can't guess any more than you can.

Why not have a conversation, the two of you?

I am guessing lack of communication was one of your main issues.

Ahhhj OP, if you want to talk to him then do so-don't send him a text that there isn't really a good response to.
Be sure though, cheating is a utterly shit thing to do, something I couldn't forgive & I'd be off on the date.

To be honest, if there's a chance you could forgive then you should totally give it a shot. Even if it doesn't work, it's got to be worth a try. I think maybe ask him if he wanted to have a meal and talk since you've already got it in the diary.

Thank you Lord. That's really helpful. I was cryptic, you're right. We do need to talk, we have both said that but we have both been guilty of not arranging a time to talk.

I think he still wants to be a family. Some of the things he does and says is like he doesn't understand the reality of being apart. The texting me photos when he's got DS, I never send him photos, I just get on with it, but he always sends me photos and videos of what he's doing. I like receiving them and knowing DS is happy, but it seems an odd thing for him to do when we're not a couple. But I'm not sure if he wants the family stuff but not the relationship stuff.

The thing is if you want to get over the cheating and you think there is a way to salvage the marriage, you're going to have to sit down and talk. Things that are worth fighting for never are easy. And if at the end of it, he or both of you want to go their separate ways, at least you will know you gave it your best shot. Right now, you're no better off for not knowing. The fear of rejection is just as bad as rejection itself. And is keeping you in limbo.

Go on the date & see how you feel - it doesn't have to be anything more than an evening out with a potential new friend. It'll likely boost your confidence & help you reframe how you feel about yourself & your ex.

Arrange a meeting with your ex (suggest after your date) and talk to him. It's totally understandable that it was too painful at the time but now you are ready. Don't make any decisions just talk & take more time for yourself to reflect after & see how you feel. If nothing else you'll get closure - if not from the entire relationship but from the ordeal of the affair.

You have a son together, your lives will always be entwined regardless as to whether you split or rekindle.

Plenty of couples work through these things and come out stronger because of it. Plenty go their separate ways & could never forgive.

But definitely talk to him & get answers to any questions you have. And, whether together or apart, try to move passed the affair - for your own sake & for your son x

Thanks Mummy. You're right. So what do I do now? He's got DS tomorrow which is why the date is arranged for then. Do I cancel the date? He seems like a nice guy so that would be mean, but no meaner than going on a date just because it's already arranged and I don't want to cancel! So do I text my ex about going out another day? Do I put it to him as a date? Or a talk? I'm so confused.