I've just done the most ridiculously stupid thing...

[callmestupid]

My husband and I are separated and I've just text him to tell him I'm going on a date tomorrow and I would love nothing more than for him to give me a reason not to go. Of course he hasn't responded so now I feel like a monumental twat.

When is the ground going to open up?

I'll sorry to say this but I don't feel you should read too much into his response.If he cheated it is up to him to make the effort to 'rebuild your marriage.I think you would know if he was interested.

You are still in the grief stage, hoping that it's not the end..denial is part of it.

The grief stage needs to be walked through, it hurts but is necessary.A useful book to read is Getting Past your breakup.

Try to put some focus on yourself.What can you do for self care? Something that builds your self esteem which gets crushed when we lose a relationship, especially through cheating.

The hurt will not last forever..its a stage that will help you move forward.Let your ex do the work to rebuild your relationship, if he's not willing then you know the answer.
Try to go no contact as much as you can.If he knows you are a back up option you will be treated as such.

I would go on the date personally. It's true you're not ready but the guy seems to be cool with that.

Your ex had a chance to say don't go on the date let's talk etc, but he didn't.

Just ask him if he wants to talk then at least you will find out where you both stand.

Don't go on a date if you still love him. Why play games? Why mess with your head and his? I like chickoletta's direct approach - you've already opened yourself up due to your original text. If you want your issues to resolve you need to be upfront and honest and forget the games. I also agree with mummy - it sounds likes he's trying to tell you something but held back. You both need to improve your communication if you're to stand any chance x

Oh I'm confused now. Different advice on here has got me questioning myself. Should I tell him how I feel and what I want. Or should I sit back and wait for him to do something, if he's going to?

Your ex doesn't know what to say for a few reasons,
1 he knows he's not in a place to stop you dating
2 he thought his marriage was over
3 he doesn't actually want you to date another man
4 he may even be jealous
5 he may think all the above but know in his heart to stop you dating would be selfish on his part

Most men who stray, get caught move on etc, at some point they want to go back, but not always for the right reasons

Yes tell him how you feel.

I agree with bluntness having one of these XPs myself. I think your message was clear enough for him to say don't go on the date. I've spent months trying to read favourable responses into noncommittal replies from XP. The truth is that if he wanted to get back with me he would have done so. Having said that I don't think there's any harm in you having an open conversation with him, though I totally understand not wanting to make yourself more vulnerable, I've been there too.

I say go on the date and see how it feels. Have a nice time, nothing needs to "happen". But do also give yourself time to grieve for your old relationship.

Speak your truth. You have every right to. Don't be scared or ashamed. Make a time to talk with him.

You don't have to forgive him - but you can be honest and he knows he owes you that, a chance to be heard.

It sounds like your marriage may not be over. You've realised you need to talk, you must do this. If you let things go on and on you may regret it.

And don't go on the date, youre not in the right place.

Sorry OP, his response tells you plenty. He is prepared for you to date and makes no stab at getting you back but he doesn't want to say it. Don't regret sending the text; you are / were married, there's no shame in saying that if you still love him. But his text says plenty IMO.

No don't wait for him. You've said he has tried to speak in the past and you wouldn't listen as you weren't ready. He may feel he can't ask you again.
He isn't a mind reader, if you want to talk then you need to tell him.

I really don't think anyone on here can say what your H is saying as he didn't actually say very much and no one on here knows him.

Lots of people on the internet are interpreting a few brief words by someone they've never met - with the best will in the world, no one can tell you what he wants or what will happen.

You need to talk to him properly. If you want to give the marriage another shot, tell him. He's not psychic. If you are prepared to let the marriage go for the sake of avoiding that difficult conversation, then it's definitely over. I completely understand and sympathise not wanting to risk rejection, but hope only genuinely exists if you talk to him. If he doesn't want to try again, at least you will know. If he does want to but you never talk to him to find out, the opportunity will drift past and he'll be gone.

It sounds a bit like you've said lots of angry things to him (justifiably by the sound of it! But if you have stopped feeling that way, he's not going to magically realise that without being told), and then out of the blue you've said you want him to not want you to go on a date. I'm not surprised he doesn't know what to say, to be honest. Figure out if you might really want him back, tell him that, and be patient if he doesn't immediately know what he wants to do.

I don't think you sound ready to date, personally. But do what you feel like doing. And take care of yourself, this is really hard.

I agree with everything sadsquid just said and other similar replies.

Ascertain that your marriage is absolutely over before you bring another man into the situation - even an innocent date. Your husband is used to you stonewalling him about the situation and maybe thinks that's it for you both. If you want him to realise that there is still a chance for you both then he have to tell him.

But therapy is essential in going forward for both of you.

Good luck!

If he'd said "don't go on the date" then I bet there would have been outraged replies on here about how controlling he was, and how he wasn't in a position to tell the OP what to do.

If he'd said "go on the date", there would have been replies that he obviously couldn't give a shit.

He hasn't gone in either direction, so apparently he's trying to fuck with the OP's head.

Oh I'm confused now. Different advice on here has got me questioning myself. Should I tell him how I feel and what I want. Or should I sit back and wait for him to do something, if he's going to?

Tell him. Be clear, but if the answer is no, then move on. If it's yes, be sure it's what you want, the man cheated and you need to be sure you can rebuild that trust.

Who left who? Did you end it when you found out about the cheating or did he end it?

Yes, absolutely. Speak to him. From the sound of his text, hes reached a stage where he feels unable to say anything to you. I don't know what he wants to say. And it's up to you now to find out. I would do it sooner rather than later because the longer you wait, the more risk there will be that he has moved on, if he hasn't already done so. However as he is sending the pictures of your son, I do suspect he hasn't. But I don't want to give you false hope. Good luck

Why not propose a series of four meetings, each an hour and a half long, on four consecutive weeks, for the purposes of discussing set questions, which you will think long and hard about and send to him in advance.

Agree with Bluntness 100%

I agree with Bluntness's first message. I have a dad who cheated on my mum several times. She always forgave him & took him back believing that it was the last time he would cheat after each affair because he was so convincing and she loved him. But he broke her heart over and over again. If I were you, I would not bother to work things out because I think your message clearly gave him the opportunity to stop you from going on your date yet he chose not to, and to me that is a sign that he doesn't care as much as he should, but of course it's your choice at the end of the day. Hope you make the right decision. I wish you all the best OP.

• I would do the 'interviews' only for the purposes of gaining some sort of closure.

If you think he is avoiding getting to the heart of things or if he is not being direct, or if you find yourself engaging in wishful thinking and building castles in the air based on his words, then call a halt and try something like talking it through with a counsellor instead.

I started to draft a text to him last night and then didn't send it. I know text isn't the best way but I suddenly felt a sense of urgency to tell him how I feel. Not fully how I feel but it was to let him know that I could be open to working on things and suggesting that we meet/go on a date. Like I say, I didn't send it anyway.

And the main reason I didn't is because I'm not sure I'm ready to hear the reply. But I don't know when I'll ever be ready. I want to put something in place, arrange to meet a friend after or have someone there immediately afterwards so if I'm distraught by his response I have some support. Last night I was on my own so I didn't think that was ideal.

On the flip side, I do question why I should be the one doing the running. BUT, if I don't lay on the line how I feel just because of stupid pride, then I could always regret that. I've got something to say so I should say it.

I'm still going on the date. My thinking is that it will help me to realise how I feel. Last night I was chatting to date guy (DG) on WhatsApp, and it was fun and light and with all of the upset and confusion caused by the breakup, that was very welcome. Just because I'm going on a date it doesn't mean I have to marry the guy. And my husband knows I'm going on the date anyway so I don't see it sabotaging anything there.

This was the message I started to write:

Dear (Husband),*

Where do I even begin? I have attempted to write things to you many, many times and I just concede that none of it can adequately express what I want to say.

I'm very torn, because I have this date tomorrow and I've started to get excited about that. The idea of something new, with a clean slate is appealing in its own way. But, and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing, the slate will never really be clean because a marriage isn't just a previous relationship, and* a child isn't just a little quirk, he has a big impact on any future relationship too. At least, being the resident parent that is the case for me. Maybe not so for you.

So, although the date is exciting and fun, my preference would still be to work on our marriage and try to find a way to make that fun again too. Because I do still love you. I miss you and I miss our family. Because of those three things I think I could work on forgiveness. I'm not saying it would be easy. But I think it would be worth the hard work because I think we could get to a place where we would all appreciate the effort we had put in as the end result would be worth it. I'm also not saying that we say "sure, let's get back together, it's all lovely, there we go, all sorted". What I would like is to do is try going out on a "date" without the weight of what has happened hanging over us and just see if there is anything still left there.

That's as far as I got. I copied it to the notes on my phone rather than hitting send - see I've learnt from my earlier mistake!!