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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just done the most ridiculously stupid thing...

170 replies

callmestupid · 07/04/2017 14:02

My husband and I are separated and I've just text him to tell him I'm going on a date tomorrow and I would love nothing more than for him to give me a reason not to go. Of course he hasn't responded so now I feel like a monumental twat.

When is the ground going to open up?

OP posts:
Original poster
callmestupid · 08/04/2017 10:04

Don't know what happened with the bits in bold.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 08/04/2017 10:10

I think that's far too much. How about "I'm ready to talk. Would you like to meet up?"

You're giving nothing away in either direction and giving him an opportunity to open up. He may give you an inkling of how he's feeling. But don't be disappointed if he doesn't.

Original poster
callmestupid · 08/04/2017 10:26

My alternative option is to book a counselling session, tell him when and where and if he turns up we can use it to talk. If he doesn't then I can use it to talk.

OP posts:
NancyWake · 08/04/2017 10:35

I think your husband has behaved appallingly. It doesn't matter if the relationship was going badly, or you feel there were things you could/should have done differently - that is no excuse for an affair. He should have sat down and talked you through whatever wasn't working for him and tried to find a solution.

Following that he should be the one moving heaven and earth to convince you that he loves and he will do everything he can to rebuild trust.

This is not happening. Instead you're telling him you're going out on a date, and he's not texting back saying 'don't go, talk to me, go on a date with me'. You're doing a bit of the pick me dance - and he's not even biting.

With this level of motivation there's no way you can rebuild this relationship. Most relationships don't survive affairs, even when both sides are willing, because it's just so damn hard to rebuild trust and get get over the hurt and betrayal.

NancyWake · 08/04/2017 10:36

OP the message that you're writing him is the message he should be writing you.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 08/04/2017 10:58

Hm. I'm sorry our advice is all conflicting. I think it's genuinely tricky and I can see the point of both camps.

About your long text - it's kind of interesting that the wish you've expressed in it is not the wish you've expressed to us here. Here you sound heartbroken, confused, angry, afraid of losing him, and ready to start a conversation. Yet what you've asked him for is a "date", "without the weight of what has happened hanging over us".

Well that's a totally different thing. So I guess in this scenario the affair/problems aren't discussed in depth, maybe there are vague allusions to "working on it", you plaster on a smile etc? I think as with the original text, is there something here about you ask him something cryptic rather than stating your actual needs?

I could be wrong but I don't think you actually want this "relaxed date" scenario at all. I think you want him to give a shit and make an effort, you want a serious conversation in which he is 100% emotionally present and you're (justly) afraid he doesn't want any of that and won't step up, and you're trying to offer something that gives him the option of continuing to be ambivalent.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 08/04/2017 10:59

Nancy the OP has said her H has tried to talk with her but she has so far refused, as she want ready.

Original poster
callmestupid · 08/04/2017 11:07

You are right Lila. I was trying to take the advice of some of the posters on here of easing in gently with a date. I'm not trying to be cryptic, I just don't really know how to approach him or the situation. I'm torn between what I want and how best to go about getting what I want. We haven't had a proper, decent conversation in the 2+ months since we've been apart. At first it was just arguments and me refusing to listen to him. And then it's been just talking about our son. We just need to talk and listen to each other. It really is that simple. I don't know why I'm trying to complicate it.

OP posts:
LilaoftheGreenwood · 08/04/2017 11:07

OP, only just saw your counselling option. Yep, I'd go with something more like that.

I think it would be better to ask him though and say "I'm ready to talk. Would you be open to attending a counselling session with me?"

But I think you think he'll say no, which is going to be bloody hard.

Original poster
callmestupid · 08/04/2017 11:39

I think what I really want to say is:

I still love you. I'd like to try and work things out, although I'm not sure what form that takes.

OP posts:
NancyWake · 08/04/2017 11:40

I have read the thread very carefully.

OP has said that he has tried to talk to her but first of all she was really angry, well that's to be expected, you don't just give up; secondly, she says it's always very much 'on the spot' and 'usually at handover' which no time be discussing the relationship.

He is free to call or email any time of day or night, put his feelings in words, beg her to reconsider. But he's not. Nor is he responding to a text about a date with a request to talk, that he loves her etc.

OP claims that she did things wrong in the relationship, which may be true, or her ex may just be rewriting history to justify his actions.

The OP may feel she is willing to forgive him, many women feel like that soon after finding out, but that doesn't necessarily translate into being able to save the relationship. The chances of that are very, very slim.

NancyWake · 08/04/2017 11:49

We haven't had a proper, decent conversation in the 2+ months since we've been apart. At first it was just arguments and me refusing to listen to him. And then it's been just talking about our son.

He's actually had plenty of time to talk to you if he really wanted to. Of course you were angry at first, but since that's died down he's had ample opportunity.

You're the one on here angsting over what to do. This is his job, he is the one who broke the trust and has to rebuild it. He should be banging on your door begging you to reconsider.

Rebuilding relationships after affairs is so hard that the cheater has to be one hundred per cent committed and determined over a really long period, we re talking years. Without that, it can't be done.

Original poster
callmestupid · 08/04/2017 11:51

To be clear. I said things to him such as "there's nothing to talk about" and "I will seek legal advice". It wasn't just that I was unwilling to talk. I also said to his mother that this is it, no chance of reconciliation. I regret all of those things now as they were said out of anger and I think, on my part, trying to take back some control.

It's not just as simple as I have refused to talk. I feel like a bloody idiot.

OP posts:
NancyWake · 08/04/2017 12:08

All of which is fairly standard when someone cheats.

I understand how much you want to think that if you talk you can sort things out, but it's so much harder and more complicated than that.

Tbh from all that you have said here, I think you will lay your heart on the line and tell him that you want to forgive him and give things another go. He'll either just turn you down straight or get back together in a half-hearted way and bail when things get tough and he realises that your pain, hurt and distrust will be ongoing for years. Or he may just have another affair.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 08/04/2017 12:50

Nancy you really, really do not know what her h will do.

You do not need to feel like an idiot. What you said to him and his mum is how you felt at the time. You have now had time to reevaluate and want to talk. That's all you need to tell him. You have to get in the same room and talk about the situation, the ending of that process isn't important at the moment, you just have to talk.

FerdinandsRevenge · 08/04/2017 12:56

Today 11:39 callmestupid

I think what I really want to say is:

I still love you. I'd like to try and work things out, although I'm not sure what form that takes.

I think that's what you should say exactly

Original poster
callmestupid · 08/04/2017 12:59

Yes. We do need to talk.

But for today, I'm going on the date so I'm not going to text him about arranging a time to talk as I don't want to deal with his response - either positive or negative. There's also a part of me, a mean part, that hopes he sits there wondering what I'm doing as he knows I'll be on a date. Maybe that's game playing but I also don't want to make myself feel worse by opening a dialogue today, having him not respond how I'd like and then he knows that I'm thinking about him instead of the date. I just don't want to feel more vulnerable.

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 08/04/2017 13:14

call you are right to not do anything today. It's only time to ask him to talk when YOU feel ready.

Re tonight, go and have a fun night out, if that is what you want to do. Please don't do it just to get back at him because you are vunerable and maybe going on a date isn't the right thing to do right at this moment.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 08/04/2017 13:15

Good call. Whatever exactly you end up saying to him, you need a break from this. Flowers

Original poster
callmestupid · 08/04/2017 13:24

Date guy is nice and he knows that I'm separated. He is divorced and knows how it felt to be at this point so he has some understanding. He seems very decent and has said all along there's no pressure. We have been chatting for a few weeks so we have got to know each other a bit and he's chatty and friendly and funny. We're actually meeting this afternoon.

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 08/04/2017 13:26

That's great, I hope you have a lovely afternoon.

NancyWake · 08/04/2017 14:00

I appreciate it may all be new to you woods but when you've seen this scenario 100x before, you might have a different perspective.

Good luck OP.

Original poster
callmestupid · 08/04/2017 14:11

FUCK!!! I'm just leaving to meet DG. I'm terrified. I'm walking in to the unknown and that's what makes it so scary. That and not knowing if it's what I really want.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

OP posts:
Shayelle · 08/04/2017 14:45

Just breathe, relax, go and enjoy the sunshine and some new company. Dont stress about it x

Original poster
callmestupid · 08/04/2017 14:48

I've forgotten how to even do this - dating. How does it work again?

OP posts:
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