I've just done the most ridiculously stupid thing...

[callmestupid]

My husband and I are separated and I've just text him to tell him I'm going on a date tomorrow and I would love nothing more than for him to give me a reason not to go. Of course he hasn't responded so now I feel like a monumental twat.

When is the ground going to open up?

Well, maybe there is hope, OP.

How about having an honest conversation - not too heavy to start with. Just begin by saying you are open to giving it another shot if he is.

Then ask him if he'd join you in therapy. Statistics show that couples who get therapy and do the work after a break do much better.

Remember your problems haven't gone away, you are still the same people who made the mistakes. What has changed is that you both miss each other and want to be a family again. Take that thought into therapy and build on it.

At least you can then say you honestly gave it your best shot.

There will be other dates, OP, when/if you decide your marriage is definitely behind you.

Don't cancel the date. I think it's really important, that you spend some time with another man. I went on a date just 7 weeks after I split with ExH (of 20 yrs). Guess what, that first date was great, we are now married and have been together for almost 9 years.

Even if you go on the date and it doesn't turn in to anything more than a shag, that's "one all" yes? Very petty, but fuck him, you owe him zero at this point.

Yes, therapy would be an absolute necessity. And I hold my hands up and admit that there are things I have done wrong and could definitely improve on. I'm more than prepared to do that work. The question is, is he?

Firstly you take a deep breath.

Then you decide. Do you want to go on the date? Are you ready? Would it be good for your self esteem? Do you like this guy?

Personally if I were in your situation, I would do what felt right, not what was expected of me. And I wouldn't worry about offending the guy. You can always tell him he's a great guy, you're just not ready right now to go on a date with him.

I'd try and do something fun with your husband. Yes, you need to talk. But I think you need to reconnect first. So perhaps plan a trip to the cinema/zoo/sea life centre with your ds as a family. And then talk after or another time.

Husky

I'm with you to the point of going on the date for ops self esteem. But the shagging to make it one all. Ugh. That could ruin her marriage. Not necessarily because of anything her husband may feel but how she may feel about herself.

Aw op, I'd say he's given you a non commital response to keep his options open then decided to guilt you.

Chin up, frock on and enjoy your date. Even if it ends up crap it's a start for you finding your feet on your own. Have a great time

His response could have meant a million things from 'fuck off and go on your date' to 'I'm gutted you're going but it's not really my place to stop you when I fucked all this up and you're starting to have a life again'.

What were the circumstances that make you think you could forgive him now?

OP, it doesn't sound like you're ready to go on a date yet. There is too much unfinished business. Now the dust has settled, you and your ex owe it to yourselves and your son to discuss what type of future you envision and whether it's together or not.

In the meantime put the date on hold. Your head is not in the right place. If it's not meant to be with your ex, revisit the date when you can give it a fair go otherwise you're risking a false start or muddying the already murky waters with your ex.

Some of the things he says seems like he refers to "us" in past tense. But his actions don't always correlate. I think he assumes that I have given up, especially based on some of the things I've said but they have been out of anger, and then once the anger has abated I regret having said them but don't tell him that. So he probably doesn't know where he stands but on that basis I think he may have given up too. What a mess.

Just say to him - 'do you want to talk?'
He's said he keeps starting to say something but he can't find the words, so ask if he wants to try harder basically? You're not asking him right out of he wants to get back together, just whether he wants to talk

Well frankly if he's given up after 2 months then he's not really going to the moon and back to keep you is he?

And you weren't being ambiguous at all in your text, it would have been the easiest thing in the world for him to say 'Dont go.'

Do what one of us suggested. Go for a family day out. Or ask him if he'd like to talk. Bite the bullet. You seem so sad. Knowing is better than not knowing.

Is there any chance OP that he might turn into someone who wants to talk to you and is really prepared to try and do that? What would be a good sign of this? (An actual sign, not a cryptic sign)

I just fear it's you doing all the emotional work if you try and open a dialogue. He's the one who cheated, why isn't it HIM trying to figure out whether/how you might talk and whether there's a chance? If you just do all the emotional labour of opening a conversation and through your efforts it gets patched up he has no incentive to continue communicating with you properly in the future, does he?

Awwww, OP

Either way, going on the date (if you feel like it enough) doesn't even rule out that happening. If your H suddenly goes all guns blazing for reconciliation then that's another matter, and at that point you probably wouldn't go out on dates.

I'd say it's a bit unfair on the other man, but if he knows the situation then I think it's fine, he's not going to expect you to be ready to plunge into anything serious. It's just a date.

It took me 7 months to tell STBXH that I missed him and still loved him. By that point it was too late for us, too much water under the bridge. You need an answer and the only way you will get that is by asking the question.

He has attempted to talk to me. But it's always very much on the spot and usually at handover so DS is there and I don't want to do it then and the situation is already filled with so much angst, at least on my part. When we're around each other, now that my anger has reduced, it's like nothing has changed between us, it feels so familiar but in the build up to his arrival/me picking up I get so anxious and tetchy. It just doesn't make for a good basis to have a decent conversation if I'm not expecting it. So in those moments I shoot it down and don't open up to talk to him, but that's probably read as me not being willing to communicate.

We need to arrange a time to talk. The thought of it terrifies me though. I understand what you're saying about limbo being worse but at the moment I still have hope. And I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have that.

Why don't you arrange a babysitter and have an evening out somewhere where you can both talk. I don't believe that cheating necessarily means the end of a marriage, although I've never been in that position, and it's got to be worth a try if you still gave feelings for him and you have a child together. Personally, I wouldn't go on the other date.

Your ex-husband isn't interested. You have a blank canvass to draw on. I think you need to bin your date off & find out what you want moving forward

just say "go ahead with your date" or "I don't like the thought of you going on a date

Op, I'm so sorry, but he has told you. He's told you in his text response. He just tried not to cause you more hurt, but he told you. If he wanted you to not go he would have said. You left the door wide open.and he refused to walk through it.

And he told you before by cheating. I think you need to accept it and move on.💐

I haven't cancelled the date. I still don't know if it's the right thing to do but we have said quite casual. At one point he said that if it's too soon then friendship is fine so I don't feel too much pressure.

I still have hope. And I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have that. I've been there, putting off the inevitable, yes it will hurt but it's bearable. It's the only way to move forward. You'll be stuck in limbo else. I think it would be good to have a talk with your husband. Maybe it will help to make your mind up once and for all.

I wouldn't go on a date yet. You're not ready. Cancel the date and get a babysitter and have a long chat with your husband instead. See where you both stand so you can move on one way or the other. Suggest it to him and see what he says. If it turns out that you're splitting up then once you're ready you can reschedule that date. Hope everything works out for the best for you op xx

Aw, it's not stupid. You're still in love. Hold your head high that you didn't just give up on love without another shot.