Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did your dad never tell you he loved you or that you were beautiful?

228 replies

mackerelle · 02/04/2017 11:17

Assuming you have/had a dad who was around for your entire childhood, did yours never tell you that you were beautiful or that he loved you?
Mine didn't and I don't know how normal that is.
Everything I read about dads says that these 2 things are the most important things a dad can do.

Not a single person told me I looked beautiful on my wedding day either, not even my dad who walked me down the aisle. I'm no great looker but I'm not a troll, you'd think someone would have said that even if they didn't really mean it.

Anyway, that's an aside, but does anyone else have a dad like mine? Is it normal? I know he's emotionally unavailable, but is it just a British stiff upper lip thing?

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 02/04/2017 19:35

No, but he didn't need to. He loved me but never said it - he never said I was beautiful either but then again I'm not! It hasn't left me feeling traumatised or sorry for myself but if you are someone who needs the reassurance of someone telling you they love you then I can see how you may feel unloved.

minifingerz · 02/04/2017 19:39

Oh god no.

He said I looked nice once or twice.

I would have felt very uncomfortable if my dad had said emotive things. He wasn't that sort of man and we didn't have that sort of relationship. But he DID love me. He showed it in other ways.

TheNewSchmoo · 02/04/2017 19:47

My dad has never told me I'm beautiful, but I don't need him to. It's honestly never crossed my mind to feel he should.

BreatheDeep · 02/04/2017 19:48

What UndersecretaryofWhimsy said.

jamie2 · 02/04/2017 19:48

My dad told often told me I was beautiful and that he loved me. I also know he did just by the way he was so caring. My dm, on the other hand never said anything kind to me and definitely never said she loved me. She was quite repressed, although she idolised my brother.

GetAHaircutCarl · 02/04/2017 19:51

My dad often told me I was lush Grin. But he also said the had an arse that you could use as a coffee table GrinGrin.

He didn't tell me he loved me routinely - but often enough and certainly at the end of his life he told me and DH that he thought we were fantastic DC ( DH was very touched by this).

GetAHaircutCarl · 02/04/2017 19:53

I should add that DH calls DD Beautiful as her NN.

So he addresses texts and emails to her that way and will often ask 'How are you, beautiful?'

theoldtrout01876 · 02/04/2017 19:53

Mine did, every day of my life till I left home. Then every time I called home. ( I moved to USA ).

My dad was one of the original Commandos during WW2, he was a pipe major with the Queens Own Cameron Highlanders before he joined the Commandos so a real tough dude. He made no bone to anyone how he felt about any of his kids ( 3 sons and myself ) or my mother.

My dad ROCKED !!!!! and I miss him terribly

caffeinequick · 02/04/2017 19:57

Mine told me he was proud of me on my wedding dad but that was that. He's still around so you never know he may get emotional in his old age ;) I think with him it's a generational thing. I'm hoping my boys will be more in tune!

SpookyPotato · 02/04/2017 20:06

Mine never said it until his deathbed but I felt loved by him all my life so it wasn't an issue, but hearing it before he went was lovely.
Don't think he said I was beautiful to my face but did to my mum who would say it to me.
I think many dads struggle saying what they want to say... I think as long as they show it then it's good. My DP is the other extreme and is always telling the kids he loves them!

Excusemyfrench · 02/04/2017 20:12

My dad would tell me he loved me and I was beautiful. Very occasionally but he has and when he has it has felt extremely special and nice ( not bragging but since you wonder if its important- for me it was)

Bahhhhhumbug · 02/04/2017 20:14

My dad was Italian and very typically tactile and demonstrative ( equally with my brothers too which again l think is a European thing more maybe ). My mum was a very stern and cold woman so he kinda made up for it. I have told this before on here on sure but l used listen to a radio programme with him when l was about five which played all the old tunes and Que Sera Sera by Doris Day came on and when it got to the 'Will l be pretty, Will l be rich? ' l said to dad 'Will l be pretty daddy?' and he replied with hardly any hesitation 'Well you will be to me ' Still miss him he died a few years ago aged 84 and l will always remember him saying that to me like it was yesterday. I have friends whose dad's are British and they would always say how their dad was never like mine though on sure there are plenty of very affectionate British dads but with my dad l always thought it was partly a cultural thing and part just a lovely man.

daisydalrymple · 02/04/2017 20:17

I don't recall my dad ever actually saying he loved me, or that I'm beautiful (which I'm not!) but my goodness he would never have needed to. I've felt loved by my dad every day of my life.

Even now that he has advanced alzheimers and can't remember my name some visits, I still know he loves me by his smile, or the way he calms down if agitated, or just the way he looks and sees- me.

Gosh, got all teary writing that. I love my dad. And I hate Alzheimer's.

EC22 · 02/04/2017 20:17

Nope, my dad's just not like that.
I know he loves me though, he tells me when he's pissed :-)

IrenetheQuaint · 02/04/2017 20:19

No never, but we are really fond of each other, and he has always been brilliant at helping me move house and building shelves for me Grin

NameNotANumber · 02/04/2017 20:29

My Dad never said either of those things and neither did my Mum.

But I have always felt their love and still do, we are very close.

They were kind, supportive, loving, dependable and basically did everything that they could for me and my sister and still do.

hideehigh · 02/04/2017 20:30

Mine didn't. But we have a great relationship, I know he loves me through his actions. Maybe it's the generation they are from?

purplecoathanger · 02/04/2017 20:34

Mine never told me. My mother once said to me that she wished she'd not had children.

mummytobemaybe · 02/04/2017 20:41

My dad has always told me I am pretty but rarely that he loves me

fizzingwhizbee · 02/04/2017 20:42

My dads never said it. Not on my wedding day either

thisgirlrides · 02/04/2017 20:57

I don't think my dad has ever said he loved me, how beautiful I am etc but he is a really amazing dad and I know he adores me & my sister. He's hilarious with my youngest dc who likes to give a big smacker on the lips and gush how much he loves him - my dad does love him but is terribly polite & clearly uncomfortableBlush Grin

My mum (equally undemonstrative growing up) has embraced the grandchildren's more open loving which is great to see.
Definitely an up-bringing thing in my family - stiff upper lip, boarding school repressed emotion types Wink

buggerthebotox · 02/04/2017 20:59

No, never. I would not expect it though. He had a hard time growing up, was born in the Depression, dirt poor, father a violent bully.

I think he was proud of me, though. I won a Scholarship to University and when he died and my mother was going though his pockets, she found a photo of me that he'd cut out of the local paper of me with my Scholarship certificate.

I was quite touched by that.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 02/04/2017 22:44

I was brought up by my Grandad who was to all intents and purposes my Dad.
I never once remember him telling me he loved me. However, everything he did, every day of my childhood and even now as an adult showed me he did. He would work a 15 hour night shift and come home, still take time to sit and chat, make my breakfast, teach me how to play guitar. He was ever present and always reliable. A strong man and a rock.
I tell him I love him now, often. He is 83. Still looks uncomfortable and awkward and doesn't say it back.

He had cold, unemotional parents himself which I think made it difficult to express his feelings.

Actions are so much more important than words, imo. I never doubt he loved me.

He also would never say I was beautiful; I don't think he particularly values this as a desirable quality. Clever, funny, proud of my career, yes.

Don't get hung up on words if everything else is just right.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 02/04/2017 22:53

My Dad definitely did. He could be very charming and loving if it suited him but it didn't stop him being an abusive shit the rest of the time. He said it more after I went NC (oh woe is me, my beautiful daughter, what have I done to deserve this etc etc oh do fuck off) . As other people have said, actions speak far louder than pretty, insincere words.

VestalVirgin · 02/04/2017 22:58

Assuming you have/had a dad who was around for your entire childhood, did yours never tell you that you were beautiful or that he loved you?

No. I am glad he never emphasized my looks. My mother sometimes complains that I could be sooo pretty if I just dressed nicer, but my father, no.

My parents also didn't tell me that they loved me, that I remember, but I can't say I am particularly worried about that. Actions are more important than words.