Did your dad never tell you he loved you or that you were beautiful?

[mackerelle]

Assuming you have/had a dad who was around for your entire childhood, did yours never tell you that you were beautiful or that he loved you?
Mine didn't and I don't know how normal that is.
Everything I read about dads says that these 2 things are the most important things a dad can do.

Not a single person told me I looked beautiful on my wedding day either, not even my dad who walked me down the aisle. I'm no great looker but I'm not a troll, you'd think someone would have said that even if they didn't really mean it.

Anyway, that's an aside, but does anyone else have a dad like mine? Is it normal? I know he's emotionally unavailable, but is it just a British stiff upper lip thing?

No never.

He also never told me was proud of me about anything. Lots of sporting achievements as a child/teenager, did well at uni etc.

Never helped me out financially and i've never asked him for a penny, funded myself through uni etc.

He's always treated me like one of his 'mates' from down the pub. It really hurts. Despite all of this, I think he thinks that we have a good relationship. Well, seeing as we're such good mates.....

'I... just really don't think this is the measure of a dad. Mine would not ever have said those two things verbally. I knew he loved me and I would have found it frankly weird if he'd commented on my attractiveness. I knew I was loved and it wasn't for my appearance. He was there, he was supportive, he was reliable, he was loving and kind. That was the important bit. I have robust self-esteem as an adult without my dad (or mum) having told me I'm pretty.'

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS. Undersecretary summed it up perfectly.

Mine didn't but I've always felt loved and have good self-esteem. I think it was less common amongst people of his generation (my Dad was born in 1924). I didn't tell him I loved him either until he was dying; they were the last words I said to him.

My Mum who's still alive (aged 86) doesn't tell me she loves me either but I absolutely know she does. She's a fantastic Mum and was always very positive about my appearance when I was growing up. Even if my clothes/hair weren't too her taste she would find something nice to say! I'm very comfortable with the way I look and think she contributed to that.

No, but it never occurred to me that he should.

When I announced to my parents that I had plans to escape my abusive ex, he did hug me, cry and say how pleased he was to be getting his daughter back, though. That meant so much more.

Oh - he did tell me, a few times, over a bottle of wine, in my teens that I'd inherited my mum's nice slim ankles :o If he'd said that, lately, I'd have pointed out that, but yeah, and I'd also inherited your useless, painful, arthritic ones!

He's not an effusive emotion type of guy, but he has passed onto me a few things that he finds very dear, out of respect. Looks wise, I'm the angular spit of his mum and her only beauty is a very scarred and battle weary one! He's not ever going to wax lyrical about that!

No. I'm not bothered about the beautiful thing, thats a bit weird IMO. But i would really love me dad to say he's proud of me and not snippy critical remarks the whole time. I know he loves me but it doesn't come across that way!

My dad told me all the time I was beautiful. It wasn't weird at all.

No, I think I would cringe if he ever did that. I have a great relationship with him and I've always been fairly confident about my looks, but the comments about that have come from female friends and admirers which I feel is more appropriate. I don't recall him ever saying that he loved me but I have no doubt that he does, it shines through the sacrifices he's made and the things he does for me and my family and that is what matters most to me.

No. He told me I was a skinny little bitch and threw shoes at my head.

My dad always used to tell me I was beutiful. He also used to me I was a bit thick. Even as a small child he would call me a bimbo. He told me if I wanted to make something of my life I would have to use my looks because I would never get anywhere with my brains. I remember being in my early teens and he would show me page 3 girls and say "that could be you".
The thing is I was very academic at school. Always in top sets. Was predicted to get A's and B's never sat my exams though because I was a rebellious little cow and got expelled. I've always been a little scatter brained but definitely not thick. I'm not even that good looking. Fairly average and pair snapped so quite a small chest definitely not your average page 3 girl. So I've always found it quite peculiar why he would push towards something like that. He didn't just tell me I beutiful and thick he'd tell everyone. All the time. So being told you're beutiful off your dad isn't all that really.

I'm pair shaped, not pair snapped.😀
Maybe he was right about me not being so bright after all!

No,to both.
But should Dads be telling their daughters that they are beautiful? Do we expect them to tell their sons they are handsome? As one of the most important things they can do?
Love,yes - I was talking to DD about this and she was very much saying how do you know some one loves you if they don't say - and while I never doubted my Dad loved us it would have been good to hear it verbalised occasionally.
But the beautiful bit - not so sure.
When I had a late miscarriage in my first pregnancy,my Dad bought me flowers,just from him.Most things came " from Mum and Dad", and I think Mum was behind most of them - that made me feel loved.

He didn't say I love you every day the way my mum did.

I don't think he ever expressed an opinion about my looks. Why would he?

He did make me feel utterly loved and valued - for being me, not for the way I looked. He didn't much care how I looked as long as I was warm enough.

I know my dad loved and valued and appreciated me because of the way he was with me - he talked to me, and did things for me (and my sister) and prioritised us. He treated his daughters like rational human beings and valued us for our unique selves - same as he did everyone else in his life.

I don't think you need to say anything to make a child feel loved - but I do think saying I love you is a good thing to do. I don't think beautiful is relevant at all. My dad showed me that who I am is more important than how I look. My sister and I both married very different but equally decent, good men. We don't put up with shit for a minute. I think my dad had a lot to do with that. My mum was the same and I think she married a man quite like her own dad. I hope my girls get the same gift from their father.

Not once did my dad say ither of those, s genertion just didn't. However, it was clear as day that he loved me. Most of my aunts and uncles exclaimed over my looks though, especially my "violet" eyes - they've faded with age, as ones looks do.

I always felt unconditionally loved by my dear dad, though I don't remember him ever explicitly saying it. Even when he was diagnosed with dementia. But on my brothers wedding day he told me I looked amazing. It was the only clear thing hed said in a year or more and the last lucid thing he ever said to me. He looked really proud. He was such a lovely man - just wish I'd told him more.

Neither parents demonstrative about looks, achievements or love. Not a huggy family either, but I know would help me in anyway possible.
I make sure though that I am different with my kids. Plenty of I love you's, I'm proud and hugs.
Talking of wedding day though - didn't get a you look beautiful from my soon to be husband....just "hiya" when I reached him, I let him get away with saying it was nerves lol!

My dad never said he loved me nor did he say I was pretty. I did always get the feeling that he cared about me. I thought he was wonderful. It was after he died that I was going through things in the house and found that the dad who never said anything emotional had kept probably every card or letter that I sent him. He had been ill a long time and all round the house there are notes about how things work.
He has left me without a worry for the rest of my life, so he must have thought well of me. He tried to make arrangements so that I would be ok after he was gone. All the practical matters are covered, but I never got the chance to say that I love him (or my mum)
I think it was an attitude that people developed during and after the War that they had this stiff upper lip in order to protect themselves from the horrifying details and deaths at the War.

I'm still honestly somewhat disturbed at the idea that one of the most important things a dad can do is tell daughters that they're beautiful. (And not sons that they're handsome, as a PP observed.)

What my dad DID do, which my mum actually didn't, was to engage with and value me as a person. He listened to me. He discussed what I was interested in with me, and told me what he was interested in. He turned a blind eye to much of my teen experimentation, trusting me to come to him if I needed him and never telling my mum. He never made me feel inadequate or judged. He taught me to drive, patiently and carefully.

Neither parent discussed my looks with me either positively or negatively, and frankly I think that's the way to go. What I took away from that is that my looks weren't what made me a good or a worthwhile person. I actually do think I'm pretty, but my looks are fading, like everyone's do, and I don't depend on them for my identity. And as an adult, I have sought out and found partners who pull their weight and treat me with respect. That is what I expect and I'm not willing to put up with anything less.

My dad was not of the generation to have easily said 'I love you'. But in my opinion, he did a fucking great job.

My dad has never once told me he loved me. I wouldn't expect him to tell me I'm beautiful, as I'm a man. He did once tell me he was proud of me in a letter after gran/his mum died.

But then I don't ever recall my mum telling me she loved me either and they have "adopted" a friend's child and look after him when she is at work and he calls them gran and gramp and he gets treated far better by them than I ever did when I was that age. I thought for a while it was just me but my nan who died last year (mum's mum) was sat next to me one Xmas and said "very different to how it was like for you, isn't it?" so she knew.

There are two photos of me in my parents house and 25 at the last count of this child. Who even has his own bedroom for when he stays over. It fucking hurts. I don't have kids but I'd bloody well tell mine I loved them.

No never. I was thinking this the other day when I saw a Facebook montage of dad's reactions to their daughters on their wedding day. I've never been married but can't imagine my dad showing any emotion at all.

I know he loves me. He's just ridiculously formal. He tenses up if I try to hug him.

He once told me in an email that he was happy I'm his daughter (in response to an apology from me). That was nice.

My mum has never told me I am beautiful either. She's more loving though.

My self esteem is a work in progress.

I don't think it's about the words themselves, is it? If you look at it as a kind of short hand for feeling loved and valued by your Dad then it makes sense. So if you (general you) feel loved and valued by your Dad then it doesn't matter if he says it or not, iyswim.

My Dad failed on both counts. We don't have much of a relationship now.

My dad often said he loved me, I was beautiful, and clung to me tearfully and overcome with emotion. It was horrible. His words felt hollow and meaningless, as the rest of the time he was angry, punitive and cruel, or totally distant and disinterested.
Words can be very important but they've got to be matched by the behaviour towards the other person too.

No he didn't.

I remember when I was 8/9 and my parents commented on someone on TV as being very pretty and I innocently asked my Dad if I was pretty. He said no. Crushed for ever!

He did say he loved me when he was dying in a roundabout fashion.

My dad has never said he loves me, but I'm not sure if he's said that to anyone tbh. The truth is though, is that I know he absolutely does through his actions over the years. He enjoys my company, I make him laugh, he helps me out, he loves all his children. He's just not able to say I love you. If he did I'd feel a bit embarrassed for him because I know it would make him uncomfortable to say it. He used to say I was pretty when I was a child and I was upset, or someone at school had been horrible to me. I think he thinks I'm pretty. I'm not sure if he's ever said I'm beautiful. Again, it'd be a bit weird if he did as he's not one for given compliments like that to an adult!

My dad tells us (my sister and I) that he loves us and that we're "fucking beautiful" all the time. I know he's proud of us and of what we have achieved in our different careers etc. I don't really feel loved by him though and never really felt at ease with him as a child - in fact I felt quite afraid of him because he's always been a heavy drinker (an alcoholic?) and has an air of aggression about him despite him never having lifted a finger towards us. It's quite difficult to explain. We didn't live with him (he and my mam split when I was 4) but we saw him every weekend.

My step-dad on the other hand never told us that he loved us or that he was proud of us but he didn't need to - we knew it anyway. I always felt safe with him and that he had our best interests at heart. He had 2 of his own children (my half brother and sister) but never made us feel that we were different or that he thought any less of us.