The yuk factor

[Snotmeitsyou]

Not sure if I am in the right forum here but anyway. DP stays with me most weekends as he works away. Been together for 18 years but not lived together - reluctance on my part really.
DP seems to have some mucky behaviours I struggle with. For example, this weekend he uses loo as usual, flushed several times, then uses loo brush to 'help' contents of pan flush away. Loo brush back in holder, covered in poo. I then have to clean brush and holder.
Last week I found poo smears on wall next to loo roll. He must have got his hands dirty wiping arse then used loo roll.
He recently got into car with big poo smear up back of t-shirt. I guess he wiped bum but belt was in way and smeared his shirt.
Using his car I found crispy stuff under driver's seat - he had wiped nose on hand then wiped under seat I guess.
He can't eat a meal without getting food around face or on clothing/floor.
All this makes me feel queasy and affects how I feel about him. He is a good person but thinks I over react. He finds it funny.
Is it me or am I being a bit too fussy here?

you know what, some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

There has been confirmation from the Towers that this isn't fake.

Yes it's been 18 years - would we diss and mock a woman who had only decided to question DV after 18 years? No we'd support her and advise where possible. Not castigate and blame her.
This person has an issue with her relationship, however unpalatable.

OP, yes in answer to your question, it's completely disgusting and certainly not just one of those 'does it happen to everyone but no one mentions it?' kind of things.

A very close friend of mine suffered similar with a new partner when they first got together, he was more angry than mortified and saw her disgust as an overreaction.

It was only once she let him know that the thought of it meant she would struggle to be intimate in any way with him, or indeed continue the relationship that he made any kind of 'effort' to improve his habits.

He still has the odd incident. In his case, his parents were pretty lax re personal hygiene too so it was learnt behaviour. He'd literally never come across anyone who told him to stop! 

I'd ask DP if you think you should ask around and see if his friends think it's ok to leave shit on the wall of their homes and gauge their reaction.

Wow thanks for all your kind comments!!! These incidents are few and far between and were 'accidents' which he appears not to have noticed. When I have tackled him he says genuinely has no idea he's made a mess, apologises and then laughs it off. He is clumsy and forgetful in lots of small ways. He thinks I get annoyed too quickly over small things and am too concerned about tidiness etc.
Adora - that is a spiteful and bitchy comment to make. Why we live apart is nothing to do with anyone else and not relevant here.

Thank you Feral.

But you aren't overly concerned about tidiness. You object, rightfully, to having someone else's shit smeared over your home. It's a hygiene issue.

I used to be a nurse and cleaned many a bum , and its amazing where poo can get to even with non loose stools , and some people just don't realise how far across their arses they have to wipe simetimes . No excuse for general disgustingness , he needs a word ... and please don't put wetwipes down the loo , they dont degrade Heres a handy tip.. use a febreze type squeeze spray air freshener on some loo roll once primary wiping been done for same effect as wet wipes or spray direct on your buttocks for that fresh as a daisy feel . You're welcome.

Oh god OP - don't get upset. I think most posters just want you to know you're not overreacting! So you can stick up for yourself with your partner.

A tea cleanse is when you drink a special 'cleansing tea' and it makes you go to the loo more! I just meant that going to the loo fairly often doesn't excuse making mess of this kind (as your partner was blaming his statins) - it is possible to be regular and clean!

Try not to take the criticism personally, a lot of it is of your other half.

Hope you can work it out!

Ginandbearit......wipe your arse with frebreze? Isn't it chemicaltastic?

User405 .. the bathroom air fresheners with the squeezy triggers probably contain the same chemicals in the wet wipes , obviously not great on broken skin but for grotty botty and a general freshen up no problems .. so far ..

This is definitely a hygiene issue. I can't believe you're only questioning this now. No matter why he does it, you need to speak seriously to him. Agree with your title....YUK.

I can't imagine what it must be like living with him, I would be nurotic about having friends over, house guests etc etc.
What about installing a Japanese toilet - seriously - it does everything for you - washes and dries your bottom and then sterilises the loo. I think it would be a good investment.

All this makes me feel queasy and affects how I feel about him.

God grief, I'm not surprised! How on earth did you get this far with him?

Well i kind of get how he doesn't notice. He's a man ffs. Mine 'doesn't notice' stuff either. Says he absolutely doesn't do it on purpose. Not looking related stuff, but other things that irritate the fuck out of me.

Like, reading the paper in the loo, then putting black finger prints off it over the door on the way out, and swearing blind he did wash his hands. Like, walking over the clean kitchen floor in his shoes when I've just washed it and it's not even dry. Like, cutting his toe nails in the bedroom then forgetting to put the clippings in the bin. Like, leaving smears of chocolate on the sofa from last night's snacking. And yes it is definitely chocolate.

I think men are just an entirely different animal, i just sympathise with you. He needs a bit of coaching maybe, but he's not a philanderer, a wife beater or an alcoholic is he? 😀

How about try wet wipes next to the toilets instead might help him clean himself a bit better and maybe try saying to him in a jokey say about the issues if he finds it funny he might be only laughing about it as hes embraced by it himself and that's his way of dealing with it. Maybe with the car of it needs a clean offer to do it together ans then he can see you do things and might appricate the effort and keep it that way and with the toilet brush next time I'd just bin it and ask him to buy a new one he will soon stop 😂😂😂

Sweet Jesus, I am now truly appreciative of my fragrant, hygienic dp after reading this. Some replies have really made me chuckle though.

No, op, it's not normal and I've never had anything close to this from my ds' at any age. It shows a bizarre and unusual absence of self care or respect for him or anyone else.

Nope, doesn't matter a damn how lovely he is, I couldn't accept this - it's pure manky. Don't you worry about hygiene when he cooks? Also, couldn't imagine sex with someone who was unaware of possible lingering 'remnants' or stains - very offputting altogether!

Passive aggressive behaviour

Only read page 1, but whatever floats or indeed sinks your boat- pardon the poo, er I mean pun

But why is everting he's smearing brown?

Everything..

Does he have unusually short arms, OP?

I call passive-aggressive behaviour too. How is he at communicating generally?

Could he be dyspraxic?

Some of the ridicule here towards the OP, honestly.

Some years ago my stepfather went through a really horrendous smelly phase. He had been in the military for some time in a position of seniority and he knew how to wash himself and clothes alright, and iron. Suddenly being in the back of the car with him driving was a nose killer, it really was awful and I'd do anything to avoid it. This went on for months. My mother wasn't saying anything so I could hardly broach it. Turns out she was scared to. What the fuck was going on with him?

How comfortable would you be telling your DH he stunk to high heaven if you were in that position? OP knows it's yuk, she even titled the post with that word. Coming here for some help only to be jeered at. I'm assuming it's her only experience of a husband and wants guidance in how to deal with it. If she thought it was fine she wouldn't have posted.

OP here's a story so you won't feel so bad. I had a stinky BF once, he had er, tagnuts. It didn't last long, and I knew it was over one night when he did a massive booger sneeze all over my bedroom wall when I was out, I saw it in the morning and nearly heaved. He made no attempt to clean it and also left a floater in the bowl of the toilet. The wall was precious to me, I built the stud wall and tongue and grooved it, painted it and nailed it on.

So disrespectful. It is not a good thing. It is basic respect to your partner to keep yourself clean and tidy. If you raise it with him and he doesn't change, leave.

No one seems to have mentioned the obvious about the dogs, OP are your living standards really so low that you would consider shit from a DP and shit from your dogs around the house normal?

Most people could not live like this and you are not doing anyone any favors by convincing yourself this is an acceptable way to live