Partner using credit card without asking

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I am the sole earner in our household of me, my partner and our 2 kids (1 a baby).

All the bills and costs (house, food, cars, holidays, school fees, etc) come out of my account and I put £700 into my partners account each month for anything like treats, shopping, etc.

I sometimes let my partner use my credit card for things like dentist and on many occasions I have noticed on my statement extra things like visits to a shop afterwards. I have confronted my partner and an apology has been forthcoming for buying something that wasn't meant for me to pay for, but then it just happens again.

This time I found on my statement last night a £300 purchase had been made without my knowledge and a couple of efforts were made to hide this from me. I confronted my partner who said that the money would be paid back to me etc. But I said not good enough, you need to return that stuff right now. My partner got very angry about this and says 'Youre just doing that to get revenge.' And then says 'If I'm such a bad person I won't be going to the Mother's Day lunch anymore' which was meant to be with my mother, my partner knows this will upset me as I want everyone to be there and family is important to me.

Me and my partner have 2 children together so there is no such thing as a 'deal breaker' for me because the kids are too important, I could not be separated from them. I earn a high salary so being totally honest these amounts are insignificant to me, but I get very upset by the lack of honesty.

Do you think I am wrong to pressure my partner to return the items? Does anyone have any advice how to resolve this ongoing issue? I tried to explain how this is a trust issue, I don't think my partner sees that, just sees it as a little money to me and doesn't understand the big deal.

spartacus Where I lived in the UK is not cheap. The OP is could be living in a somewhat similar area. If so, £700 a month of activities for 2DC is easily spent.

I have 3 DC and we are strategic, say no and take full advantage of any low cost/free programs that are in our town. We might live abroad but costs are still sky high for kids activities. Where we used to live was expensive with no council leisure center so one 45m class of ballet is £30. Swim class is £50 for 45mins. Double up for two kids and I can see how the DP of the OP is running out of money.

My DH does 'control' more of the money, in that the savings physically sit with him. That's not a deliberate choice, just how it worked out. Abs I do have an amount for personal spends (£400) but so does he. We each take the same amount each month and the rest is saved or allocated to expenditure.

You need to stop thinking about it as you giving them money and you paying bills etc. As a family you pay the bills, buy clothes etc for the children, pay for petrol. That's where the issue lies in my mind.

I get really irritated with "my money" "I pay" "I decide". If your partner is a SAHP then you only bring in the salary you do because they're at home and saving significantly on childcare. A relationship is about teamwork, in every way. DP has never said that it's his money, just like I never say it's my house. It's all ours, and we share responsibility and decisions equally.

Two things stand out of one of Ops posts:

We arranged for my partner to have a credit card before to make family purchases with, but it soon got used for personal treats

So why isn't the DP allowed any personal treats? Is he/she not allowed any clothes, meals out etc. Why not just let DP have their own CC? Whose Idea was it to take the previous CC away, I bet it wasn't the DPs?

The real difference is that my partners monthly budget is fixed in stone, whereas mine can be flexible.

This - just totally unbelievable. Your DP is doing a job - looking after your DC. Why shouldn't s/he have a flexible budget same as you.

If this isn't financial abuse and control, I don't know what is.

All I can say is that I hope neither of my DC have children with a partner such as Op. I will be telling them to run for the hills. What about you Op, if one of your DC had access to a lot less money than their partner, just because they were a SAHP, what would you think?

Oh, and when I met DH, I had a lot less disposable income. I wasn't in debt and could meet bills, but he helped out occasionally if we were going out and I had run out of money that month. It didn't make me financially irresponsible. Quite the opposite, I am now the one doing day to day running of the finances, just this week chivvying DH to top up his ISA before end of tax year.

I have always worked but PT since having DC, always earned less, but we always had joint accounts, savings etc, paid similar into ISAs and pensions, both have our own and a joint CC, we each pay for what we want.

Maybe give your partner the chance to share finances, you may be pleasantly surprised. And please can you answer the question on savings and pensions. Does your DP have an ISA, a pension, or just yourself. I think I can guess the answer to that.

Just as a contrast OP, I haven't worked for 4 years yet DH said recently 'what day do we get paid?' In his mind it's as much my money as it is his. Joint decision for me to stay at home, and he knows full well he wouldn't be where he is in his career if he was doing nursery drop offs/sick days/night feeds etc.

I am a SAHM ( hate that term though!!) and would never dream of spending £300 without speaking to hubbie about wether we could afford it. That would go both ways.

Am I the only one seeing the part about the partner having a history and admitting being irresponsible with money?

Doesn't matter the gender I think that's what's started this off at the beginning and it is a valid point, no?

Good for you sitting down with partner to discuss but partner needs to actually learn how to manage finance at £700 or £5k, no matter the size, being a bit reckless with it isn't going to help with trust and I can totally see the reasoning that without an allowance, it could get out of control if they don't make the conscious effort to be responsible. Setting a more reasonable agreement and equality may help but partner has to appreciate that they cannot be reckless. That's not an unreasonable request

Il go against the grain here & say that everyone is being pretty damn harsh on the op!!

At first I thought maybe they are indeed being controlling however!

If my DP went out earning more than enough money so I could stay at home with the kids, not worry about costs of things & being given £700 a month for petrol & treats as well as gifts from him.....shit me! I'd be pretty damn fucking grateful!!

Regardless of whether there is no cost of childcare due to their partner doing it, op is out earning the money & more than providing for their family.

All they are asking is that their partner doesn't use the credit card without asking.

£700 is a lot for whatever their DP wants!

It sounds like you are treating your partner like a business you run for a hobby. It's hardly a surprise they "run out" of money every month.... they are spending it all because it's the only financial freedom they have!

Toobloodytired Why should you be grateful?

OP, in nearly every post you've talked of 'luxury purchases' or 'luxury items'.

OP wants their kids to have a SAHP. They should be equally grateful that their partner is foresaking a career to make that happen.

And holiday clothes for your children are not luxury purchases

I am a SAHM ( hate that term though!!) and would never dream of spending £300 without speaking to hubbie about wether we could afford it. That would go both ways.

And this is exactly why I would never give up work to have children. The thought of being financially dependent on a DP is utterly abhorrent to me.

Maybe your dp could do a short course on financial management?

You're treating your partner like a child.

What would be fair would be for both of you to have the same discretionary income per month. Then there would be a separate pot for shared luxury items used by whole family such as holidays, new cars, etc where BOTH adults would need to agree before it was used.