Partner using credit card without asking

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I am the sole earner in our household of me, my partner and our 2 kids (1 a baby).

All the bills and costs (house, food, cars, holidays, school fees, etc) come out of my account and I put £700 into my partners account each month for anything like treats, shopping, etc.

I sometimes let my partner use my credit card for things like dentist and on many occasions I have noticed on my statement extra things like visits to a shop afterwards. I have confronted my partner and an apology has been forthcoming for buying something that wasn't meant for me to pay for, but then it just happens again.

This time I found on my statement last night a £300 purchase had been made without my knowledge and a couple of efforts were made to hide this from me. I confronted my partner who said that the money would be paid back to me etc. But I said not good enough, you need to return that stuff right now. My partner got very angry about this and says 'Youre just doing that to get revenge.' And then says 'If I'm such a bad person I won't be going to the Mother's Day lunch anymore' which was meant to be with my mother, my partner knows this will upset me as I want everyone to be there and family is important to me.

Me and my partner have 2 children together so there is no such thing as a 'deal breaker' for me because the kids are too important, I could not be separated from them. I earn a high salary so being totally honest these amounts are insignificant to me, but I get very upset by the lack of honesty.

Do you think I am wrong to pressure my partner to return the items? Does anyone have any advice how to resolve this ongoing issue? I tried to explain how this is a trust issue, I don't think my partner sees that, just sees it as a little money to me and doesn't understand the big deal.

I think after bills etc, £700 is a massive amount to fritter on other things. I agree though that everything should be family money, pay the bills then save some if you can, then both have the same amount of money each for spends per month including trips to the dentist!!! Maybe have a separate amount per month for treats out and food shopping. Keep everything separate and anything outside oF bills and food should be used from the amount you both have every month.

What was the £300 purchase?

I think you are both wrong actually. My husband owns his own business and whilst i left my job two years ago to look after our three children. That was to facilitate him growing his business without my job clashing with the long hours he puts in. Therefore myself and your wife may not be earning cash like you are but we are working just as hard in terms of contribution to the family.

We share finances. I can never imagine my husband giving me an allowance. I also don't think 700 is particularly much if you have a five person family like us and you say you are a high earner. Shopping about 100 a week. Kids clubs. Petrol. Days out. Clothes. Presents for friends party's. Toiletries.

I think it's unreasonable you giving her an allowance as if she works for you and as if you don't trust her with the finances to have a joint account.

However despite the way you work your finances, it's unreasonable for anyone I believe personally. To go spend 300 pound without even discussing it.

Your partner, regardless of sex, is contributing to your household by saving money on childcare. Presumably you don't have to take leave from your well paid job or dash of early to do the nursery pick up because they are home full time. All money should be shared, you shouldn't get to dictate how much spending money you allow. It needs to be mutually agreed upon.

Why would your partner need 'your' credit card ro go to the dentist? If they don't have an income as they are a SAHP then it should all be family money and you are financially controlling. If they do earn and don't have enough left over after shared bills to pay and you do then it is an unfair sharing of funds and you are financially controlling. If they have an equal amount left over after bills and don't have enough then they have a money management problem and you need to address this.

I think if you've asked them not to spend on your credit card and they keep doing it, then you have an issue.

What was the £300 spent on?

My partner is the sole earner in our family. We have two children. We have joint bank accounts and credit cards. He/she (see what I did there?) NEVER questions anything I spend and I never abuse that trust.

I would say your behaviour sounds hugely controlling.
As to whether they or you are unreasonable - it depends on two things:

1. what he/she has to buy from the £700 and if they can reasonably be expected to cover those expenses from that £700. Is it for food, cleaning products, petrol, kids' expenses etc?
2. what the £300 was spent on - should it have come out of the £700/been saved up for? If you believe your partner was deceitful and the purchase was unnecessary why do you think he/she felt the need to do this?

Op said in their post that 700 is also for food shopping. Not just treats.

Glitters 150 a month for food shopping? How many of you is there? We spend that a week for five of us.

£700 to spend on themselves after all bills and food plus luxeries such as holidays and school fees have been paid for seems a good deal to me.

More than enough to get their own credit card.

It was the OP's credit card that was used, not "family money".

I take it 'the partner' is the main source of childcare if you are the sole earner?

So we are left to guess the gender in this situation.

However, let's say, your partner is a woman and you are a man. She comes here to post that she's a SAHM with her partner earning a lot of money and thus doesn't need/have to work as the children (including a baby) are cared for by her.

She's given £700 'pocket money' per month for anything outside of the household bills etc., (now we have no idea if that includes travel, items bought/needed for the little ones etc.,). If she were to say that the £700 wasn't enough to buy herself a clothing item or something nice her herself, we would all be suggested that the male partner was being financially controlling and thus abusive!

You haven't said what the £300 item was but whatever the situation is here, irrespective of gender, if you both, as a couple have decided on having children together then surely the disposable income should be shared fairly!

Giving pocket money that you've already said is pretty insignificant (or the £300 here and there is) in comparison to your income I think it's disproportionately shared between you. Maybe the partner would prefer to go to work and earn more than £700 per month to fund some things for him/herself and then you can spend more than £700 per month for x2 children in full time nursery to prevent further resentment?! Even though that isn't ideal either.

I sometimes let my partner use my credit card for things like dentist

Wow how kind of you to allow your partner to go to the dentist.

Op said in their post that 700 is also for food shopping. Not just treats

No, they said the exact opposite, that food was already paid for>>> All the bills and costs (house, food, cars, holidays, school fees, etc) come out of my account and I put £700 into my partners account each month for anything like treats, shopping, etc

Gott the OP said the 700 was for shopping and treats, not food shopping which they pay for.

Having to ask for money and wait for your husband to say yes is controlling glitter. I bet he doesn't check with you before he buys anything. And 150 a month for food is sod all.

"Letting" your partner use your credit card to go to the dentist is a huge red flag. Equally, hiding spending can be too. Unless your partner has a serious problem blowing money on cocaine and Manolo Blahniks or gambling, controlling spending is a huge red flag too.

Family money should be just that - family money. If you don't trust your partner, why are you with them?

I hope it doesn't make much difference to the question as to either of our genders, if it does I can add, but would rather keep things very anonymous if possible. I am not one to write personal things online and no I never wrote anything like this before, in fact I have never posted in this site before. Partner is stay at home parent which is both our preferences, at this time the salary my partner could earn would be very insignificant to our current income, whilst being able to look after the kids is invaluable.

Your replies have been truly helpful and I hadn't really considered about if I am being financially controlling or even fair. This is something very important I will give a lot of thought.

The order was a few items, one for DC and the rest for my partner - clothes to go on holiday. I have access to all the money earned and could go out and purchase pretty much whatever I want, within reason. Occasionally I do buy things my partner never could on the allowance given (e.g very expensive luxury items). However I also buy such things for my partner, just it's me buying them, my P is the recipient. My only financial restriction is me trying to be financially responsible for the family. My partner definitely does not have that ability and runs out of money every month. My partner is not very good with managing finances, I don't know when good intentions of trying to restrict how much they spend becomes controlling behaviour. I shall really have to think about that.

In all honesty with luxury purchases included my monthly expenditure is probably a multiple of my partners. I had never really thought about that, I just always thought £700 was a very good amount, but now I see that I need to discuss this with my partner to come to a level where it is 'fair' based on our income and lifestyle.

£150 a month for groceries??

I would find having to ask for money (even if DH said yes every single time) controlling.

You need a joint account and fast. There's no way I'd be on the receiving end of this kind of treatment. How demeaning. He/she will silently resent you.

I think you should sit down and work out your finances then decide on a budget - take out bills, decide how much you want to save and divide the rest between you to spend as you wish. Both should also have equal access to money to spend on things like dentists etc. Unless one of you is careless with money and it's been a problem in the past.

Do you seek permission from your oh when you spend extra? Do you have the same budget? Are you equal?

I have three questions

1. The £700 you allocate to your partner each month - what's that to cover . You say shopping and treats. Do you mean food shopping for the household ? What about clothes and activities for partner and your children ? Petrol and car experiences ? If you have a very high salary this seeems very little.

1. How much does you partner allocate to you each month for your treats and how did you both agree on that amount ?

3 I assume that from your very high salary each month you pay into a pension and savings. How much is paid into your partners pension and savings each month ?

Lol yes that's a whole other thread @Ecureuil and I would have agreed a while ago but our relationship is such that it doesn't feel like that. He actually offered to get a joint account and I said no. I pay all the bills with his cards that he leaves at home etc.

imfuckingspartacus you are right I didn't see the word food and presumed shopping meant food shopping.

Okay I retract my precious statement about 700 not being much if including food. However I still stand by finances should be shared and she/he should not of used your card for such a large sum without what was being bought. I'd also like to add that if 300 is actually an insignificant amount to you it's a bit unfair she only gets just over double that amount per month.

*previous

Your setup sounds a bit odd but if that's what you've agreed then that's your business.
I would be annoyed at all the unauthorised use - if they made a mistake they should pay it back immediately. -and surely this would happen infrequently.
If it's your card, can you call up whoever it is and cancel the order? Or was it bougth there and then?

I'd suggest that your partner is running out of money because they don't have enough.

Sounds like you're blowing a lot on useless luxury items while keeping your partner short.

There's a word for that.

I am a sahm, we have 5 dc at home although one is 19 and works and is rarely here so 4 dc under 14.

My dh puts £900 a month in my account for groceries, dc clubs, school dinners, petrol (£60 ish a week, treats during the week etc. If I need to buy something like football boots for dd yesterday I will tell him and he'll give me the money back.

I bake from home and am a doula so occasionally will have some extra money that I do what I like with. Usually it just goes into my house pot, I might take the dc out for lunch or dessert shop or something.

Dh pays for everything, mortgage, all bills, anything we do on weekends, holidays etc.

I'm not allowed to use dh credit card without asking and he suggested it was theft once when I spent more than anticipated ( it was treat food for when his mum was here ). I went ballistic and he's not said anything like that again but I wouldn't take the piss and would definitely ask for a £300 purchase.