Partner using credit card without asking

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I am the sole earner in our household of me, my partner and our 2 kids (1 a baby).

All the bills and costs (house, food, cars, holidays, school fees, etc) come out of my account and I put £700 into my partners account each month for anything like treats, shopping, etc.

I sometimes let my partner use my credit card for things like dentist and on many occasions I have noticed on my statement extra things like visits to a shop afterwards. I have confronted my partner and an apology has been forthcoming for buying something that wasn't meant for me to pay for, but then it just happens again.

This time I found on my statement last night a £300 purchase had been made without my knowledge and a couple of efforts were made to hide this from me. I confronted my partner who said that the money would be paid back to me etc. But I said not good enough, you need to return that stuff right now. My partner got very angry about this and says 'Youre just doing that to get revenge.' And then says 'If I'm such a bad person I won't be going to the Mother's Day lunch anymore' which was meant to be with my mother, my partner knows this will upset me as I want everyone to be there and family is important to me.

Me and my partner have 2 children together so there is no such thing as a 'deal breaker' for me because the kids are too important, I could not be separated from them. I earn a high salary so being totally honest these amounts are insignificant to me, but I get very upset by the lack of honesty.

Do you think I am wrong to pressure my partner to return the items? Does anyone have any advice how to resolve this ongoing issue? I tried to explain how this is a trust issue, I don't think my partner sees that, just sees it as a little money to me and doesn't understand the big deal.

So your partner does full time childcare for two children? If s/he was a nanny doing that you would be paying around £3000 a month. does that clarify how much value s/he brings to your family?

If your partner is raising the kids and keeping the house, s/he is enabling you to do what you do. Why doesn't s/he have copies of any credit cards and as much right to spend money unquestioned –especially if the amount isn't the issue?

Sounds like you and your DP need to have a pow-wow about how to build a family. Before you do, you might want to think about what your life would be like without the contribution your DP makes and about what sorts of things your DP gives up to do that.

I agree that you should have equal 'fun' money but no way should he/she spend on your credit card without permission. That takes the piss. Because its not actual money.

They do pick the luxury gifts themselves just im the one with the power to make the final decision. If my partner told me not to buy something, I wouldn't, but ultimately the decision lies with me. My partner doesn't have this power as when buying their luxury items, the decision does still lie with me.

Why do you get the final decision? That sounds like a very odd power dynamic.

Why does your partner have to beg you for 'your' money so that they can go to the dentist? Why do you not have equal access to family money?

Why does your partner run out of money every month? What happens when they do - do they have to beg you for more?

Why are you punishing your partner for using 'your' money by making them send stuff back, even though you consider the amount 'insignificant'?

Sounds like you both need to sit down and have a serious conversation about joint spending rules and respect.

Redpony1 It is not lovely being treated like a dependent child by your partner. Being an equal partner is much nicer.
And childcare for 2 young children would be a lot of money. Your DP is also earning by doing this labour.

Why does it matter what they have? If you have more than you need why does it matter if your partner has 5 times more?

Because its the imbalance that matters. It's about power.

Op, don't get married.

You are treating your partner as a child with pocket money, not as an equal partner. Your partner being a sahp enables you to do your job and earn the money you do.

Can I ask how you pay for this stuff directly..

I enjoy taking my DS shopping ( when he is in the mood) and just buying what he fanices, who does the food shop or do you have what you want?

Also you buy her luxuries..Does he/she have money to buy themselves luxuries. I do remember a thread where a dp was expected to attend fancy lunches and hadn't got the money to pay for the clothes, pay these expensive meals.

Yes it is about power. And surely most parents want to put their DCs treats first?

You asked in the wrong place OP.

You are now saying the £700 is petrol and treats but before you said it was for food as well. If you have DC your food bill could easily be £400-£500 or even higher if you have expensive taste in food. That would only leave £50 a week for petrol and other expenses. That's a big difference.

Who pays for clothes for the DC?
What about clothes for your partner?
What about DCs clubs and activities?

All these things should be joint household expenses (within reason. I'm not telling you to fund a several hundred pound a month clothing habit but there needs to be some compromise) If they are all coming out of the £700 you have an issue.

You say you buy luxury items for you and your DP? Do they get to choose those Or do you make the decisions about which luxuries you deem acceptable? The later would be very controlling to me.

Your partner shouldn't be using your card without permission but you shouldn't be sitting on a huge amount of cash and treating yourself to luxuries whilst your partner doesn't even have enough to buy some clothes for holiday.

You need to honestly assess yourself and your finances. Look at what you spend on luxuries, look at how much your partner has to spend on the same. Also Look at how much you control. Do you specify the food you want them to buy? Is the food budget separate? Does your partner also buy kids clothes? Pay for kids clubs? Do all top up shopping? Pay all fuel bills? You may be asking them to pay for a lot more than you realise.

Redpony she gets 700 a month for treats for her and the kids whilst he has multiple times that just for himself. He isn't doing her a favour her being a sahm. I hate being a sahm, my careers going down the pan so my husband can build his without worrying about childcare or how the kids will get to hobbys etc or what we will have for dinner, lunch etc and he can shoot off to different countries without any stress as I am here. There's no way I'm doing all that to be handed 700 that is alot less than i use to earn whilst he benefits from his hard work and gas multiples times that to spend.

Also DP does your DP have friends who have money? If yes they will arrange lunches out that will cost quite a bit, assuming your DP can afford it. It is easy as a SAHP to become isolated. Money to socialise with friends is important.
And your DP should have the power to decide what luxuries they think are the priority. They may not have the same priorities as you.

You are now saying the £700 is petrol and treats but before you said it was for food as well

Again, OP said the exat OPPOSITE in the first post, Please do read before calling posters liars.

It sounds like you treat them like a child. A cossetted child but not one with any autonomy. That's going to lead to resentment.

And not only that but you spend way more on yourself than on him/her. That's also going to lead to resentment - since you've mutually agreed that they be a SAHP and you be the WOHP then your contributions should be viewed equally.

On the other hand you have also said they are bad with money. If so then I can maybe see why you keep hold of the purse strings. However - IMO the solution to one partner being bad with money is not to control their access to money (unless they are eg an addict) but to sit down with them and agree a budget and spending rules - and these have to be mutually agreed and apply to both of you.

I have access to all the money earned and could go out and purchase pretty much whatever I want, within reason. Occasionally I do buy things my partner never could on the allowance given

You sound selfish and hideous, tbh. You are also clearly not understanding what a partnership is, in terms of what mine is yours, and what yours is mine. In your case, what's yours is yours, and your partner's is whatever scraps you decide he/she is worthy of.

I am perfectly happy to be the sole earner, and I am overwhelmed by the wonderful work done in raising our children. Truly I think it is incredible and I value it just as highly as my own work, actually probably higher, as for me afterall the kids bring far more happiness and many more great memories than any material item.

I have started to understand the issue. Even when I tried to make things more financially balanced by taking my partner to buy a number of expensive & lovely things, I was focusing on the wrong issue. What was missing wasn't the 'stuff' itself it was the freedom and financial control to be able to buy or not buy that stuff.

They do pick the luxury gifts themselves just im the one with the power to make the final decision. If my partner told me not to buy something, I wouldn't, but ultimately the decision lies with me. My partner doesn't have this power as when buying their luxury items, the decision does still lie with me.

That's controlling and sounds a horrible way for your partner to live

Me and my partner have 2 children together so there is no such thing as a 'deal breaker' for me because the kids are too important, I could not be separated from them.

I would be thinking less about what is a deal breaker for you and more about how long it will be till your partner has had enough and leaves you! I would also question if you are still in love with/even like your partner because it comes across that you don't?

I had no idea that it was possible to use someone elses credit card.

I don't have one as I don't want one but I do have access to the joint account via a debit card.

Is there any need to be so nasty to a poster who has asked for advice, has listened to it, and is now aware of their own shortcomings?

Is it that you have decided OP is a man that they are being called hideous and vile even though they have admitted to being wrong?

The issue to me seems to be the wording using the card without permission is unacceptable

Shouldn't this read "using the card without discussion is unacceptable"

This is where I see a problem.

There seems to be controlling elements to it which you haven't noticed but now seem to be more aware. I think you and your partner need to sit and really talk about money and find something which works for you both that is more equal. Does your DP want more access to money or is DP on board with your thinking they would just spend it all?

I like the set up DP and I have. All income goes into 1 joint account, all bills come out of that account then DP and I have our own accounts, into which we both get the same amount via standing order paid into from the joint account each month. We can spend, save etc our 'spend' as we wish, the other has no say on this.

We then have rules on what comes out of the joint account, but everything is discussed first and we both agree, from a new car (I wish) to an apple pie with the grocery shop. But for us literally every £1 counts, but obviously little purchases don't need to be debated or really thought about.

I think it's bad that DP used your card without your permission but you also sound financially abusive, if DP needed something they shouldn't have to ask especially if you don't have to ask when you buy things. They are doing a job too? Unfortunately they don't earn money for it. Would you take a £700 wage? Especially seen as they don't get the evenings and weekends off. That's the way you should think of it, tbh it sounds like you don't view being a sahp as a job, which is disrespectful. Looking after children is hard I appreciate that you're listening to what people are saying it will improve your life because if they leave you the financial abuse will come out.