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Original poster

Partner using credit card without asking

168 replies

hade761 · 23/03/2017 13:34

I am the sole earner in our household of me, my partner and our 2 kids (1 a baby).

All the bills and costs (house, food, cars, holidays, school fees, etc) come out of my account and I put £700 into my partners account each month for anything like treats, shopping, etc.

I sometimes let my partner use my credit card for things like dentist and on many occasions I have noticed on my statement extra things like visits to a shop afterwards. I have confronted my partner and an apology has been forthcoming for buying something that wasn't meant for me to pay for, but then it just happens again.

This time I found on my statement last night a £300 purchase had been made without my knowledge and a couple of efforts were made to hide this from me. I confronted my partner who said that the money would be paid back to me etc. But I said not good enough, you need to return that stuff right now. My partner got very angry about this and says 'Youre just doing that to get revenge.' And then says 'If I'm such a bad person I won't be going to the Mother's Day lunch anymore' which was meant to be with my mother, my partner knows this will upset me as I want everyone to be there and family is important to me.

Me and my partner have 2 children together so there is no such thing as a 'deal breaker' for me because the kids are too important, I could not be separated from them. I earn a high salary so being totally honest these amounts are insignificant to me, but I get very upset by the lack of honesty.

Do you think I am wrong to pressure my partner to return the items? Does anyone have any advice how to resolve this ongoing issue? I tried to explain how this is a trust issue, I don't think my partner sees that, just sees it as a little money to me and doesn't understand the big deal.

OP posts:
ScarletFever · 23/03/2017 15:23

its very irritating to be all sex neutral

he she - no one cares, its just makes it clumsy to read

so - OP how much do you earn? after bills how much do you both get to spend? (petrol should come under bills btw)

ImFuckingSpartacus · 23/03/2017 15:24

Having DC does cost a lot. Activities where I live could quite easily come to £700 a month for 2 DC

Few people can afford to spend that much just on activities.

Redpony1 · 23/03/2017 15:27

Eek! You do know that the OP's partner is raising their small children, a decision ratified by the OP?

Fully aware. I still see it as a rather easy life!

CrochetBelle · 23/03/2017 15:31

Being so fixated on hiding the sex/gender of people is such a strange move for a first-time poster Confused

Atitsgratter · 23/03/2017 15:32

Why should the money be all family money ? I earn more money than my partner and do the majority of the housework + administration. I'd resent it if we had to split it equally.

AdoraBell · 23/03/2017 15:33

OP you may earn the money, but your DP facilitates you doing so by raising the children. My guess is you wouldn't earn nearly as much if you had to do school runs, Dr/dental appointments, be home in time to cook their dinner, etc.

That makes any money earned family money rather than yours or DPs.

Good to see you are taking comments on board though.

stitchglitched · 23/03/2017 15:35

Makes no difference if it's an 'easy life.' It is OP's preference for their kids to have a SAHP and they also get the benefit in terms of being able to pursue their career without distraction. Giving their partner less than they could get full time on minimum wage whilst they admit to having multiple times as much isn't on.

minipie · 23/03/2017 15:38

Well done OP for taking things on board.

Are you willing for your own spending to be under limits, the same limits as those for your DP? So, not just giving him/her more freedom but giving yourself less? As that's true equality IMO!

Bluntness100 · 23/03/2017 15:44

I actually can't believe, based on your further posts, you insisted your partner take their holiday clothes back. You say you value the child care they provide immensely,,,,

Sure you do, to the tune of 700 quid a month. Not even minimum wage huh. You'd have to at least double it to pay min wage.maybe even treble it to hit a chIld minder or nursery costs,,,for one child . Yup, that's real value. For you.

You have the power, yes you do. Hope it makes you feel good op, because this is unpleasant behaviour.

LIZS · 23/03/2017 15:50

So just because you earn it, you can make unilateral extravagant purchases but your p can't. Hmm does he/she get any say in choice of car etc?

diddl · 23/03/2017 16:04

"OP you may earn the money, but your DP facilitates you doing so by raising the children. "

That works both ways though doesn't it-Op is able to work, partner able to choose to SAH.

That said, I don't think that the partner should be treated as an employee by being paid a fixed amount!

brasty · 23/03/2017 16:06

And your DP buying holiday clothes for them and their kids, is normal expenditure, if you can afford it. I would not consult my DP over this kind of purchase of £300. perfectly normal. And insisting your DP take holiday clothes back is way out of order.

Original poster
hade761 · 23/03/2017 16:10

Just to clarify as I think the point is being lost somewhat, my partner still has a wonderful quality of life and chooses the luxury items, car, etc I just pay for them. That £700pcm is extra money over and above everything that is for clothes, petrol and buying a coffee or whatever, but total amount when considering money I spend directly, e.g personal trainer, car, etc, would be many thousands per month.

That is why we need to have a really big talk about how financial control needs to be split as much as about how money needs to be split. If I want to spend less on a car and more on clothes then I can, my partner has much less financial control and I think that is the real issue and one I had never considered before as I was blinded by the numbers and 'stuff' as opposed to the emotional aspects of control and freedom, which are probably even more important.

OP posts:
Ecureuil · 23/03/2017 16:10

We're going to Spain next week. I've just ordered myself £150 of holiday clothes from the joint account. Told DH when the parcel came to the door. Holiday clothes isn't an extravagant purchase, especially on an income as high as you describe.

stitchglitched · 23/03/2017 16:11

'That works both ways though doesn't it'

Yes but currently OP is getting the benefit of their high earnings and the kids being raised the way they want. Partner is getting to raise kids how they want but not getting the benefit of OP's high earnings.

brasty · 23/03/2017 16:12

I am glad OP you now realise that emotional aspects on control and power are crucial.

Hullabaloo31 · 23/03/2017 16:20

Is there any need to be so nasty to a poster who has asked for advice, has listened to it, and is now aware of their own shortcomings?

This! The OP seems to be taking a lot more on board than many and has said that things need to be worked out, why so much negativity?

MuseumOfCurry · 23/03/2017 16:49

Is your partner bad with money?

Wellitwouldbenice · 23/03/2017 16:54

£700 is meaningless out of context. What is your monthly family income?

Original poster
hade761 · 23/03/2017 17:00

Honestly, very bad with money. If allowance was £700pcm, £700 will be spent, if it's £5k pcm then £5k will be spent.

My partner knows their 'financial responsibility' is a major weakness, in our first years before we moved in together I bailed out lots of unpaid rent bills, utility bills, etc!

So it's not a new problem, the thing is trying to resolve it now in a way which prevents either of us spending too much but also which gives each of us balanced power in the decisions made.

We will really have to work at this as it's not an easy one to resolve fairly.

OP posts:
ItsAMessyLife · 23/03/2017 17:07

in our first years before we moved in together I bailed out lots of unpaid rent bills, utility bills, etc!

I aint saying she's a gold digger

Kr1stina · 23/03/2017 17:07

OP you say you spend "many thousands " per month on luxury items such as a personal trainer , cars and jewellery. And yet you don't seem to save anything or have pensions.

I'm not sure that you are so hot yourself on financial responsibility .

Don't you see the foolishness of this? And the inequality of you having thousands each month and your partner having £700?

Ecureuil · 23/03/2017 17:08

An equitable and sensible arrangement would be to both have £700 a month 'allowance' and to save/invest the rest for your future.

Ellisandra · 23/03/2017 17:10

Where does OP say they don't save and have pensions?! They already said they manage family investments, assets and pensions.

Some people have enough income for savings and 'stuff'.

Quartz2208 · 23/03/2017 17:12

I. Think a starting point is to see your roles as equal. You work an earn she facilitates that by looking after the children and one assumes looking after the house (I am assuming you don't do housework I could be wrong) and set aside an equal amount for you to have for yourselves

And stop seeing the as a child whose financial responsibility is off, I suspect it that attitude which is in part causing it

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