Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Partner using credit card without asking

168 replies

hade761 · 23/03/2017 13:34

I am the sole earner in our household of me, my partner and our 2 kids (1 a baby).

All the bills and costs (house, food, cars, holidays, school fees, etc) come out of my account and I put £700 into my partners account each month for anything like treats, shopping, etc.

I sometimes let my partner use my credit card for things like dentist and on many occasions I have noticed on my statement extra things like visits to a shop afterwards. I have confronted my partner and an apology has been forthcoming for buying something that wasn't meant for me to pay for, but then it just happens again.

This time I found on my statement last night a £300 purchase had been made without my knowledge and a couple of efforts were made to hide this from me. I confronted my partner who said that the money would be paid back to me etc. But I said not good enough, you need to return that stuff right now. My partner got very angry about this and says 'Youre just doing that to get revenge.' And then says 'If I'm such a bad person I won't be going to the Mother's Day lunch anymore' which was meant to be with my mother, my partner knows this will upset me as I want everyone to be there and family is important to me.

Me and my partner have 2 children together so there is no such thing as a 'deal breaker' for me because the kids are too important, I could not be separated from them. I earn a high salary so being totally honest these amounts are insignificant to me, but I get very upset by the lack of honesty.

Do you think I am wrong to pressure my partner to return the items? Does anyone have any advice how to resolve this ongoing issue? I tried to explain how this is a trust issue, I don't think my partner sees that, just sees it as a little money to me and doesn't understand the big deal.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 23/03/2017 14:52

I'm glad you are seeing things differently now.
You've taken all the feedback on board and are prepared to discuss and change things.
Well done

Neverknowing · 23/03/2017 14:52

I say this because I'm awful at taking advice and it sounds like you're doing a good job of accepting. I feel if you're doing well with money they should benefit from that as well

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/03/2017 14:53

If you earn such a significant amount, why should they consult you on a £300 purchase? And dentistry fgs. That should be paid out whatever it costs without question. I'm so glad my dh doesn't give me an allowance. We never would have had kids had that been the case. And he'd be my ex.

I think you should both be pooling your resources and discussing savings and spending as a team. If you stop infantilising your partner and make them your equal, you may be pleasantly surprised. Family budgeting and planning together is the way forward. And let them make the occasional mistake and be fine about the odd luxury purchase if that makes them happy. You get to do that without being beholden to anyone, if it's not reciprocated, that's abusive.

Orangetoffee · 23/03/2017 14:53

diddle easy if you do it online, use contactless or know the pin.

How does you paying for food shopping work? Has your DP any say in what or where to buy it?

Kr1stina · 23/03/2017 14:53

I'm glad to hear that you value the wonderful work your partner does in bringing up your children.

Could you please answer my question about how much of the family money is paid into Pensions and savings for each of you?

TheVeryThing · 23/03/2017 14:54

You've taken a lot of criticism on this thread and seem to have gained an understanding of why the situation is unfair, so well done.

It is a good idea to sit down with your partner to go through all your outgoings, agree budgets & savings etc, and then settle on an amount of money that you each have to spend without having to account for it.
You're in a very good financial position so this should be very straightforward to sort out.

scottishdiem · 23/03/2017 14:55

I think on MN a man is going to be that what is his is his partners and what is his partners is his partners. There is no such thing as a person earning money for the things they like. All earnings are for the family and to be handed over as such. Even where a person is bad with money it seem the answer is to limit both partners which is spectacularly odd.

I suppose terming £700 as basically pocket money is going to get the OP in trouble even if he pays for everything else.

I do think spending on someone elses credit card for non-essentials is theft though.

Jux · 23/03/2017 14:56

It is utterly humiliating as an adult to have to ask for money.

You both agreed that your dp would stay at home and do the invaluable job of bringing up the children. Prove that you reaally think it's invaluable.

Stop humiliating dp. Give them access to all funds and their own credit card.

Add up all the monthly bills and put that amount into an account and arrange for the DDs to come from there. Then make your account a joint account and ensure dp gets cash card, devit cards etc just like you have.

Agree monthly amount you can each keep for your own use. Agree a monthly amount which goes to savings. Name an amount over which agreement from each of you is necessary.

Make sure that it all goes both ways.

If you can arrange all that this weeks and hand dp the documents I reckon that will be the best Mother's Day gift you could give them and it will probably add years to the length of your marriage.

PutThatPomBearBack · 23/03/2017 14:56

Op are you male or female? I'm under the impression your a man.

diddl · 23/03/2017 14:59

"easy if you do it online, use contactless or know the pin."
True, hadn't thought of that.

"How does you paying for food shopping work? Has your DP any say in what or where to buy it?"

I use my debit card or cash(which I get out myself with my card)

He doesn't care at all where I shop or what I buy-as long as there's enough to pay the bills!

HodditsDoddit · 23/03/2017 15:01

All money is joint money in our household and I wouldn't have it any other way.

MuseumOfCurry · 23/03/2017 15:01

The strange language you're using to conceal gender is distracting.

I think you're being terribly controlling, but it's great that you've taken all criticism on board. Surely your partner has complained about this before?

Orangetoffee · 23/03/2017 15:02

diddle the food shopping question was for the OP

diddl · 23/03/2017 15:03

stitchglitched · 23/03/2017 15:03

It is good that you have taken the comments on board but I would still like to know how you go about paying for things. Do you jointly decide on what the kids need, and what food to buy? Does your partner have access to the money set aside for kids expenses?

Original poster

hade761 · 23/03/2017 15:04

I am not changing my story, if something was unclear it's most likely due to my clumsy attempt at masking the genders.

We did sit down and agree the current budget, it was all worked out. We went through our costs and agreed it all. I don't really spend much on treats but do make large infrequent luxury purchases for both of us - e.g jewellery, new cars.

My partner can buy kids stuff or do kids activities and just take my card to do so or I'll transfer the money directly back afterwards. We arranged for my partner to have a credit card before to make family purchases with, but it soon got used for personal treats, didn't really work due to a bit of a lack of financial discipline.

The real difference is that my partners monthly budget is fixed in stone, whereas mine can be flexible.

In terms of spending on treats just for myself, I doubt it's much more than my partner, though it's hard to tell as I spend a lot on family stuff, and the luxury purchases I make can be for either of us or for everyone's benefit - e.g a new family car.

One thing is for sure though, I have much more financial freedom than my partner and we will have to find a good way to make that right and balanced. Fortunately one thing we do have is a very good ability to work at things in the relationship, and we have passed through many hardships together, so we will sort this, it was just a matter of trying to understand the issue properly first. Being so close to the action can make it very difficult to see the bigger picture.

OP posts:

VestalVirgin · 23/03/2017 15:05

There are so many facts missing here.

Is OPs partner a stay at home parent? And if yes, why do they not have merged finances?

If both earn their own money, then separate bank accounts are doable, but if one is a stay at home parent and gets an allowance that is less than half of the disposable income, then that leads to inequality and likely resentment.

It is possible that OP is a high earning woman and employs a nanny and a cleaner so her partner doesn't have to do any childcare or household work, but it is rather unlikely.

MuseumOfCurry · 23/03/2017 15:06

I am not changing my story, if something was unclear it's most likely due to my clumsy attempt at masking the genders.

But why are you masking the genders? No one is scandalised by same-sex relationships here.

gillybeanz · 23/03/2017 15:07

All money is family money.
I spent what I wanted when dh was sole earner and we are very low income, so unlike yourself every penny counted.
I work pt now out of guilt, not due to dh being sole earner, but because dd fees are paid by the taxpayer and not to work seemed wrong.

My dh would never have made me feel like the household income wasn't mine as well. I think you are financially abusive tbh.

Redpony1 · 23/03/2017 15:07

I must differ from most then, because i wouldn't give a flying fookeroonie how much my partner had. I wouldn't care about 'equal' as long as i had enough and £700 a month for fuel and treats is absolutely more than enough, especially without the worry of making sure bills are paid and the fridge is full of food. As far as i am concerned, the person who earns the most, in this case it sounds like a great amount of money, DOES get to call the shots of large purchases.

I'm also one of those that doesn't like joint finances either.

ImFuckingSpartacus · 23/03/2017 15:07

They aren't so much missing as already been answered, more than once. OP clearly says that partner is a SAHP.
Not all couples have merged finances, particularly when not married, it isn't compulsory.

Want2bSupermum · 23/03/2017 15:09

hade That's a great step in the right direction.

DH earns much more than me. I run the money though as he could spend his way through any pile of money no matter the size. Having DC does cost a lot. Activities where I live could quite easily come to £700 a month for 2 DC.

The one thing DH and I have is a joint account and open communication. It's a case of talking to each other before going out and spending more than a set amount (about £75 for us).

MuseumOfCurry · 23/03/2017 15:09

As far as i am concerned, the person who earns the most, in this case it sounds like a great amount of money, DOES get to call the shots of large purchases.

Eek! You do know that the OP's partner is raising their small children, a decision ratified by the OP?

Quartz2208 · 23/03/2017 15:10

You still very much see it as your money because you earn it rather than family money and that both of you work towards that

They dont want to be treated to things, they wanted to be able to go shopping and buy something for themselves

Why is their's fixed and yours flexible?

Iggi999 · 23/03/2017 15:12

So there are luxury purchases made that benefit both of you or the whole family (e.g. a car) but only you gets to make them? Do you not see any pleasure in choosing and buying things, but it's only you who gets that?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7