Partner using credit card without asking

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I am the sole earner in our household of me, my partner and our 2 kids (1 a baby).

All the bills and costs (house, food, cars, holidays, school fees, etc) come out of my account and I put £700 into my partners account each month for anything like treats, shopping, etc.

I sometimes let my partner use my credit card for things like dentist and on many occasions I have noticed on my statement extra things like visits to a shop afterwards. I have confronted my partner and an apology has been forthcoming for buying something that wasn't meant for me to pay for, but then it just happens again.

This time I found on my statement last night a £300 purchase had been made without my knowledge and a couple of efforts were made to hide this from me. I confronted my partner who said that the money would be paid back to me etc. But I said not good enough, you need to return that stuff right now. My partner got very angry about this and says 'Youre just doing that to get revenge.' And then says 'If I'm such a bad person I won't be going to the Mother's Day lunch anymore' which was meant to be with my mother, my partner knows this will upset me as I want everyone to be there and family is important to me.

Me and my partner have 2 children together so there is no such thing as a 'deal breaker' for me because the kids are too important, I could not be separated from them. I earn a high salary so being totally honest these amounts are insignificant to me, but I get very upset by the lack of honesty.

Do you think I am wrong to pressure my partner to return the items? Does anyone have any advice how to resolve this ongoing issue? I tried to explain how this is a trust issue, I don't think my partner sees that, just sees it as a little money to me and doesn't understand the big deal.

If you value her contribution to the family (looking after your children) why isn't he/she deserving of an equal amount of spending money as you?

If it's a trust issue, why are you insisting on it being returned? It does sound like you are punishing your OH, as you admit the amount of money is insignificant to you. Is it fair that £300 is an insignificant amount to you but to your 'partner' this is almost half of their monthly 'allowance'? I think posters should remember that the OP's financial situation and ability to spend as they please is much more relevant than your own. £700 may sound plenty to you (and would be plenty for me) but if the OP is a high earner and spending , for example, £2000 per month on their own personal 'treats' and they live a fairly extravagant lifestyle in general (area, friends, private school, etc), is it fair that one of the partnership splurges while the other must stick to a rather more limited budget for themselves and 2 DC or get reprimanded?
The lack of honesty is a problem, but so is your reaction. Do you spend money on yourself without needing to run it past your OH? Is there a disparity in lifestyles within the partnership? Is it possible the deceit exists because of your reaction when they go over their 'budget', but they see you spending without worry and would like to do that too sometimes? Just a theory.

Oh, sorry, just seen the update. I think my theory is pretty close to the truth then.

You don't sound very nice at all. In fact, that post hits quite a few red flags on the financial abuse chart..

OP you call your DP financially irresponsible and that they run out of money monthly. But you still haven't elaborated on what the money is for and how it's spent which I think is key to whether that amount is reasonable.

I'm on mat leave so easily saved money on work lunches/travel/daily Costa coffee run and other costs such as work clothes so in some ways this helped our household whole I was still on enhanced maternity pay. However that dynamics of having a baby has brought in new costs that DH & I need to cover as equals. Neither of us spend large amounts like £300 without discussion. However if the £700 had to cover lots of "household costs" i.e. Food, school clubs, petrol I can see it not being adequate and hog then viewing your DP as bad with money.

Can you sit down jointly and review outgoing? Work out what as a household you both spend money on and treat each other like adults and partners. I would be frustrated with being handed an occasional luxury gift yet not being able to discuss day to day finances

Ordering them to send back items which includes stuff for your kids whilst you openly admit to spending multiple times as much on luxury items is bloody awful tbh.

Ordering them to send back items which includes stuff for your kids whilst you openly admit to spending multiple times as much on luxury items is bloody awful tbh

This

OP no idea if your DP is a woman or man, but you sound very financially controlling. Your DP should have as much access to disposable income as you have. And as your DP is a SAHP will presumably be paying for your childrens treats as well out of the money you give them.

After your second update, I would say running out of 700 a month signifies she has poor money management. It shows she is probably struggling.

How many kids do you have op?

If i were you I'd consider having an account your wages go in this can also be used as a savings account. A secomd account a standing order can be set up to transfer all monthly bills too. Then another third one (joint) that a standing order is set up to transfer an amoint each month that is for food shopping and any other purchases made by you and your wife. Have a trial if you are concerned it won't work because of her poor money management. That will allow finances to be fair and transparent and the credit card doesn't need used.

That was meant to say I wouldn't say running out of money shows she has poor money management and that she doesn't have enough.

The £700 is for petrol and treats only. EVERYTHING else I pay for directly, including new cars, luxury items, personal trainer, etc. This is a lot of money of course, we are both from relatively average backgrounds so we appreciate that, though it's not that huge of an amount compared to current income.

I consult my partner on pretty much every medium to large purchase I make, but I suppose the point is I don't have to, I have a freedom that my partner does not, the ultimate decision lies with me. My partners big purchases, the decision again lies with me. That doesn't seem fair.

I handle all the family investments, pension and assets are 50/50.

So if your partner needs to go to the dentist, you'll let them put it on your credit card?

Is this expected to be paid back out of their €700? What other things do you expect to be paid back on?

Is the €700 for your partner's sole use or is it supposed to be for day to day expenses petrol, children's shoes, money for extra curricular activites, school collections etc. If it's the latter then it's not for 'treats'.

Why do you get to pick the luxury items for your partner as you do for yourself? Why cant they pick their own gifts?

Oh I was certainly not suggesting returning kids items, that's fine and I pay for all kids stuff directly. It was more about trying to draw a line in the sand that using the card without permission is unacceptable than anything else.

You say OP that your partner is not very good with money because they run out of the £700 every month. But your DP is buying clothes and treats for themselves PLUS your two children. You spend more on clothes and treats than £700 a month just for yourself. Yes YABVVU, and actually it sounds like you are the one who is bad with money.

And I don't consult my DP on treats I buy for myself. I would never ask my DP before buying clothes for myself.

So why order them to return items bought for the kids?

Seriously, if you have £2000 a month leftover for fun stuff and she only has £700, then you are massively unreasonable. Especially if her fun money covers expenses for kids and yours doesn't. If you get to buy things that cost £300 without speaking to her then it is massively unreasonable for you to insist she ask you permission to spend the same amount. And, no, you buying her 'treats' is NOT the same as being considered a full partner in a relationship.

They do pick the luxury gifts themselves just im the one with the power to make the final decision. If my partner told me not to buy something, I wouldn't, but ultimately the decision lies with me. My partner doesn't have this power as when buying their luxury items, the decision does still lie with me.

This discussion has opened my eyes to this imbalance in the relationship I had never realised before. I am going to discuss this with my partner to improve things.

You do sound very controlling, and I'm glad you seem to be waking up to that fact.
You are treating your partner like child or the hired help - you would not be in a position to earn your high salary if your partner wasn't taking responsibility for all the childcare.
I've always been the main earner in our family, at the moment I am the sole earner and the dcs are still in childcare 4 days per week (though that will change soon).
However, we have a joint account and the money I earn is for the benefit of all the family. We don't have anything like the disposable income you have, but there is no way I would treat my husband with so little respect.
Why would any decent person be happy to enjoy a better standard of living than their partner?

Just went and added up. I have spent about 900 in the last month. This includes paying for Brownie pack holidays, other hobbie payments that are paid in terms so 50/60 a go. New jacket for eldest daughter that was 80. Personal trainer for myself, 100. New clothes for the kids now it's spring and they have all sprouted. Slimming world membership for myself, 30 for six weeks. 60 quid in build a bear. Presents for birthday party's and couple for a niece and nephew.

It all adds up really easily. That wasn't even including meals or lunches out as a family as bit sure who pays for them for all of you.

If you are happy that your partner stays at home with the children then actually I think you have forfeited the right to enjoy financial "freedom" while not extending that to your partner. All money not needed for bills, food, saving etc. should be put into an account for spending. If you don't trust him/her not to spend more than their half of the remaining income, then it should be split equally between you if you don't trust him/her not to spend more than his/her half. Buying him/her expensive items, while demanding that they return things they want to buy is financially abusive and infantilizing.

If you don't want to be the only earner, and are resentful that all earning capability is yours, then ask your partner to get a job, and use some of your significant income on childcare.

You pay for all kids stuff directly. Does that mean that your partner gets no choice in what is bought for the children? They don't have access to the kids part of the budget to pop into a clothes/toy shop and choose a few bits independently of you?

I must be strange.

To be with someone who earns so much money that i wouldn't have to work, get to stay home with the children and not have to worry about bills or food being paid for at all, but still get £700 to spend for fun, would be lovely!!

It wouldn't be so lovely if you had 700 but they had 5 times that amount, would it?

You're the one with the power?

That's your problem right there.

OP both your DP and you should have the same amount for teats. And your DP needs a lot extra for treats for the children. Your DP is a SAHP and so money spent on kids can quickly add up. Taking kids to classes, even going to the park and buying them drinks and duck food, all adds up.