Dating Thread 115 - come join us!

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

RunnnyMummy Sorry your irons have turned out to be a bit rubbish.

Bluegirl25 One of my exes was awful at cuddling. I will never date another man who cannot hug properly. Never.

fortunacookie Hard to call. Chaste kiss aside, how attracted were you to each other? If you weren't really feeling any chemistry, it's not a good sign that he's gone straight into sexting.

I think Beardy is probably gone forever. (The more times I say it, the more real it will feel and the easier I'll find it to cope, I think.)

But, I have to say, I am reconsidering my non-negotiables. Our non-negotiables were forcing us apart, and I may meet another Beardy who is just as lovely but also wants different things.

Has anyone ever changed their mind about the really big things? Children, location, that sort of thing? How much of what you do or don't want is down to you as a person and to just not having been with the right partner? Yes, I'm going there. I'm feeling deep today and I'm dragging you all down with me.

Please humour me, I'm still feeling horribly fragile.

Pringlecat he's perfect apart from he's not very tactile. I never wanted to cuddle with my ex but all of a sudden I feel the need to be cuddled lol. Think its because my ex hurt me so badly I feel like I need to be loved more if that makes sense? He new guy has been hurt badly as well so sometimes I think he's being very cautious and not wanted to get too emotionally attached - too late for me I'm already there.

I guess it depends on what your non negotiables are? If I was younger and wanted children and they didn't I wouldn't negotiate on that, maybe location I would.

Hope it works out for you xx

My non-negotiables list has grown, based on my 2.5 years with my first OLD partner since divorce. I now don't want to be with someone with children and I don't want to move house if we end up going down that road, and I don't want anything remotely long distance. 30 mins drive max. Those were the things that I was relieved to be gone when I broke it off with him. I miss him, he was generally great, but those things caused all sorts of bother and brought out the worst in us both.

Bluegirl25 I get that some people don't like to sleep touching and they're not publicly very affectionate. However, sometimes you just need a good cuddle to make you feel like the world can sod off, it's just the two of you and you're safe.

Is he not naturally very cuddly or is he shit at it? If he doesn't hug you very often, he might still hug you properly when you need it (e.g. when you have a really shit day). That could be OK. But if he feels stiff and awkward when you cuddle him, I would think twice...

I sympathise with the emotional attachment. I struggle with that too.

Well I'm feeling very down and cross. I was meant to have a date with Mr Planes tonight. His messages right up to the end were all bang on, no sign of disinterest, no red flags at all. And then nothing. Just blanking me. Tosser. I'm fed up. I was super looking forward to meeting him.

Worst part is he's 7 yrs younger than me, so I can't help thinking he has found someone younger with less baggage. Pah! His loss...

Pringle

I did, but only for one person... I couldn't cross my final line of moving away from my children's home town. I cannot not be there for them as much as possible before they grow up. Life is too short and my time with them is too precious.

I had decided I didn't want any more children and was targeting retiring early at 55 in 6 years time. Not saying I was going to be a rich retiree, but I was going to quit the industry I'm in and rethink my approach to what I need to live.

Suddenly Ms Q appeared on the scene and she had no children was 40 years old and desperately wanted one. She also wanted to live near her parents ( 90 miles from me ). I loved that woman so much that I decided I would love to try for a child with her because I would love to have been a family with her. I even told her I would be happy to adopt a child with her if it turned out we weren't able. Sadly, we split because we spent so much time concentrating on solving the big questions right at the beginning rather than letting them get solved organically as the relationship progressed like it would normally ( where to live, etc... She also misunderstood when I said that I hadn't wanted any more children before she came along, but would have one with her... She heard that as "I didn't want any more children". Still gutted about the whole thing as we were otherwise perfect for each other and I know she's dating again ( she showed up on my first page of matches on GSM ).

So my version of Beardy really...

Short version of all that is that yes, for the right person you can totally change your mind on the non-negotiables. Only time will tell if you did the right thing though, but all of life is a gamble and you can't win if you don't play...

RLD.

Blue I'd hate that too. There's a fine line between too much which feels possessive to me, especially when out, versus actual avoidance of it.

Is he like it all the time or just when you're out? If he only avoids affection in public, I'd be worried about that for different reasons, but If it's all the time, I'd also think it's a no-goer as I like simple affection in a relationship.

Rockluvvindad Thank you for sharing. That's been... very helpful, actually. I'm going through very similar in my head and I think if after a reasonable period expires I feel like you - that I would perhaps change for the right person - I might make contact with Beardy (if he doesn't make contact first) to let him know that. And then walk away forever.

I'm not making contact now because he was clear about wanting space and even if I have changed my mind (who knows?) it's too soon to tell him. I am going to keep thinking in this space, thinking about what I want, and then if I still miss him like mad and I am prepared to change, I will let him know. Then it's down to him. I'll tell him, and I'll walk away. I am not going to send him a barrage of messages and/or stalk him, I am going to send him one message and go back to no-contact.

Rockluvvindad Have you thought about contacting her again if you were that close to perfect and she's back on the market?

When we got out to say the cinema he'll hold my hand in the cinema, stroke my leg etc. When we've both out on a night out he's a bit of a bum grabber (he a proper bum man) but is definitely more tactile. If we are at one of our houses I always feel I make the first move for a hug and that he's not really bothered. He's fine in the bedroom department 🙈 but doesn't really hug and cuddle after. My head is so messed up x

Pringle Last time we had contact it was more a case of me telling her not to contact me again unless it is to get together properly because it hurts me too much to go through the pain of seeing or talking to her as anything other than my partner... She has a habit of fat finger messaging me when she re-reads our messages and each time it dragged me back in my getting over her... Last time I might have been a bit brutal and I don't like myself much for being that way but I had to for my own protection if that makes sense. If I'm good enough to contact when she feels low, lonely or horny, then I'm good enough to be with or I would rather not be contacted at all. Not sure if that makes sense, but it does in my head .

If she ever does get in touch, then yes, I will go there like a ferret up a drain pipe ! ( sorry, northern ! ) If she leaves it too long though, then my thoughts on kids will have reverted. I'm not really sure I'd be trying for a kid at 50+. It was tiring enough in my 30's !

Blue that's weird that he does it more when you're out than at home. I'm not sure what to make of that but I wouldn't like it. Is it some sort of possessive display for other people's benefit? Very odd

I'm the same as rld - I had some non negotiables, and some negotiables, and the balance can change if the right person comes along.

Living away from my kids was always a non negotiable. Being in a long distance thing, well that was something that had to happen due to my personal situation, and I was surprised that a LDR thing lasted for a year.

But for her, she'd never consider moving, and wouldn't entertain the thought of my staying over at hers on weeknights when the kids were there - my job was flexible so I could have done that.

But she wanted all or nothing. Me down the street all the time, rather than away sometimes and with her the rest. That became non negotiable for her.

It's a shame. We both ended up heartbroken in the end.

I was more tactile than her, less tactile than other girlfriends. Everyone is different, and one person can be different with different partners.

Dating is shit :)

Bant "Dating is shit" - absolutely.

Someone please talk me out of calling Beardy. The man asked for space. Two days is not space.

My non negotiables probably would change depending on who the other person was. My last relationship was a LDR and I've said that wasn't going to happen again. With the right person though it might (within reason). I'd hate to lose someone completely right for me for the sake of a longer drive than I'd like but only if they were flexible too - unlike my ex.
Kids are non negotiable, I don't have any and even if it's harder at my age I'd still like the option to be open.
I have a very long list of what I don't want in a man from my previous relationships and it'll be a miracle to meet someone that ticks all the boxes, it's just a case of working out which ones are deal breakers vs what I could live with. But I'm refusing to settle this time.
Bant - dating is shit

Pringle, what would you say? What would you want him to say?

Thattwatoverthere I want him to know that I may have changed my mind on the non-negotiables. That's it. I just want him to know that. And I want to call just to make sure I know he's definite received the message.

If he still wants to call it a day fine, but I just want him to know.

I am trying not to call him so as to not appear like an obsessive crazy.

Pringle,

Don't do it... Be strong. Find something else to do even if that something else is to binge on Ben and Jerry's till you barf...

You're absolutely right, two days is not space, and from personal experience, when I left Ms. Q to it and gave her lots of space, she made the move to get in touch when she was ready. I think the hardest thing in this game is to actually step back and leave well alone. We get obsessed with giving our point of view, with just having contact because "that will make us feel better", with gently helping the other person see that they just need to see sense. Honestly, we've all been there, sometimes more than once... Sometimes the absolutely right thing to do it leave it, do something else and see how things look in the morning. You're not pining for him at the moment( you haven't spent long enough together ), you're mourning the loss of the future that you "think" you might have had with him. It's an awful feeling. I still feel the urge to make contact and it's been 6 months since we split and about 4 weeks since I told her not to get in touch again. It takes time.

Main thing I would say is whatever you do, don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. It's natural. Acknowledge your feelings and emotions and tell yourself repeatedly that you're strong enough to get through them and not message him...

RLD.

OnceMore I think he's more tactile when he's had a drink x *
Pringle* try not to contact him - easier said than done I know.

My non negotiables are:

Having to move away from my kids. I can relocate a bit, but no more than half an hour away from their mums place.

No Tory and Brexit voters. Possibly one or the other, but not both. No ukippers at all.

Other things are preferences

Must have a higher education. That's not a non-negotiable but I'm a sapiophile.
I'm not dead-set on not having more kids, maybe for the right woman I would, but.. it's hard work and I'm in my 40s already.
No one taller me. The chemistry doesn't exist.
No one younger than 10 years less than me, or 5 or 6 years older.
No one strongly religious, or a believer in astrology or woo. I just want to keep pointing out that they're deluded.

All the preferences, well maybe I can be flexible on some, for the right person.

The other stuff though, there's just no point

I agree with RLD, he'll contact you when he's ready. I know how hard it is to feel like you're doing nothing but you aren't doing nothing, you're giving some time and space for both of you to work it out for yourselves. Hide your phone, get out a book or a film and lose yourself for a while is my approach to NC

Rockluvvindad How long did it take for Ms Q to come back and make contact?

You're right. I can picture that future and I want it, but it's not real. And two days is not space.

Thattwatoverthere Thank you. I need this. I need someone to stop me from doing something stupid! If I leave him alone, he may come back. If I don't leave him alone... let's face it, he definitely won't. That will be the nail in the coffin. May is better than definitely won't. I mean, it's not as if I have any other irons on the go and I'm stalling them for him. And it's not as I'm not unhappy on my own. I love my lifestyle. I do. Doing nothing and waiting and hoping sounds sad and pathetic... but also not the worst thing to do.

Bant I'm not sure I could date a Brexit voter. I still get angry thinking about Brexit. Re higher education... I'm on the fence. In my experience, whilst it doesn't matter to me, it matters to the guy and then it ends up mattering to me because he gets a complex about it.

wow Pringle where to start...

We've had a couple of serious attempts to get together, and one very casual period at the start. Each time we split I would tend to find my hardest period would be the first month. I wasn't always able to stop myself, especially the first time we split. After I could get through a month I was okay, but from memory, she tended to make contact about 3 months after we split... This happened twice with about the same period post split... Was more complicated by the fact we worked in the same office so was hard to get the space we needed.

Your situation is different though as you've not been "together" per se... From reading your response to Thattwat I might be tempted to give in to temptation... BUT, I would only do it by writing an email explaining yourself and your change of heart. AND I would make sure that I spent the next few days writing it until it said exactly what I wanted. Then if I still hadn't heard from him I would send it with a cheery sign off along the lines of "you don't need to reply to this, nor do I expect one but hopefully it will clarify my thoughts and feelings about a potential "us" so that you might make an informed choice... etc...".

The one thing I would caution you is to be sure that you're changing your non-negotiable for the right reason... i.e. because you really want to be with this person and are prepared to compromise to make it work and a child would be the icing on the cake, rather than you're changing your mind because you're so keen to make him see you as partner material now because that would be better than being alone and he has been the most promising person you've met recently.

I hope that doesn't come across as harsh. It's not meant to be, but a wall of text can be so hard to convey true meaning and intention with.

RLD.