Dating Thread 115 - come join us!

[InfoSec21]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

OutToGet I agree you might want to think about it but you could do a holding response like the one I'd already suggested and then confirm one way or another today.

Info I'm with OutToGetYou!

Bant PlentyofFish Bleach good to hear re good dates

Had interesting social night last night where met some promising guys in RL Through a sports social so not sure re their availability but great night anyway, and a couple said you must come back and saw friend too I have'nt seen for ages. Well worth a sitter and a boost after the weirdness of OLD.

Runnnymummy, I would wait until you see him again. When it's
something where the response you get will help you know where you are, texting won't give you a real enough response, IMO. It doesn't have to be a serious talk - keep it lighthearted - but I think face to face will give you a more real reaction and keep you from wondering how he feels about it.

motheroreily - no way would I have a first date at 11pm. That says 'sex' to me.

RunnnyMummy - I wouldn't do that by text, give it a bit more time to see if it happens naturally. Many years ago, before all this internet malarky, when I was young, gorgeous (er.....never then) and starting a new relationship, I once said to a guy "I'd quite like it now if you didn't see other people, I won't either" and he said it had never occurred to him to see other people anyway, so that was fine. I didn't know I was going to "have the exclusivity chat", it just came to me at that moment straight after sex .

Thanks outtoget was starting to feel I am uptight. It's a second date but our first one was just an hour long and we went for a walk I don't feel I really know him

Runnny, I'd wait the week until you see him again.

On the LL situation, I still know two pieces of positive information.

She was super slow at messaging before we met.
She hasn't said no yet.

Thanks everyone. I'll wait til I see him again then ask about other people.
My last relationship ended when I found out he'd been repeatedly cheating on me. I was clueless about it until someone told me. So I know I can be a bit paranoid at times now.

motheroreily - a walk is fine for a first date. Though it's nice to be face to face for chatting. But, if you've done a walk for the first date, I'd want a decent drink or meal date for the second to have some more relaxed time.

11pm is all kinds of wrong. Id be saying 'let's see if we can find a date we're both free for a more sociable time for a drink?' - if he's not keen then you know it's not a 'date' he wants!

Mother my instinct is very uncomfortable with that time. I would actually be doubting whether to go out again. But of course I havent met him.

Runny would chat to him. can be opportunity to open up about a few things like what he wants for future and maybe other stuff.

Info glad you can hold onto the positive :)

Mother I agree with OutToGetYou. Also I wouldn't be letting him pick me up after this, meet him at the venue and make your own arrangements for getting home.

Were there any other red flags when you met him before or in his messages?

Thanks all for the replies. I'm glad other people are wary too.

No other red flags. he is playing football before then and the bar is open late so he could see it as a sensible suggestion however I do feel uneasy about it.

I think I'll do as suggested and say "perhaps we can arrange another time when we're both a bit more free"

I had a first date with Mr Scientist last night. We "met" on Tinder and talked for a couple of weeks via WhatsApp.

I really wasn't in the mood for a date but ended up staying out for 6 hours and walking around the city. I had a really nice time, we chatted non-stop. He saw me onto the nightbus home and then got his bus and we were messaging all the way home.

He suggested steak next time as he would like to take me out to dinner, said he cooks an amazing steak but will leave for a couple dates further down the line....

I'm seeing The Doctor on Saturday for date number two! We've been messaging a lot since our last all day date and he's really nice.

Do all of you Google your dates? I've found them on Facebook and LinkedIn and research papers they have written etc. The Doctor is on the GMC register. Just to make sure they are who they say they are!

I don't Google them, no.

No-one plays football til 11pm, surely?

Morning.

More messaging with last night's date (I'll call her.. MissCivil as she's a civil servant, and ironically quite sweary) We've yet to set up date 2 as she's got her kids most of time, but it'll be tail end of next week I think.

Good to hear other dates went well.

motheroreilly - Rules 5 and 8. 11pm is a very weird time for a date. It sounds to me like he either has no empathy for normal standards of behaviour, or he's after a shag. Why doesn't he bin off the football game if he wants to see you? Not that you should ask him to as that would be seen as you being demanding - he should actually put you first if he's into you.

Info - it's got to have you climbing up the walls. You've got to consider, she may be fantastic in many ways, but is her level of communication and responsiveness going to drive you insane long term? Working out similar levels of communication with someone is part of seeing if things can work. All the other pieces can fall into place but if that doesn't then it makes it difficult to work, longer term.

Bant, I don't mind so much if someone is slow with messages as long as I know they are interested.

It's just the not knowing that is the tricky part.

Polarbearflavour Always. A lot of them are very unimaginative so you can figure out their surname from their username. I always check they are who they say they are (if possible, verifying via a source they don't control, like a medical paper if they are a doctor) because the internet is full of weirdos. It makes me feel safer.

I verified with LL, she is the deal :)

Which brings me to a question. I wouldn't be happy just to let that one go without saying anything else as I think it's just too rude not to reply at all.

When is a decent amount of time to wait and then what's the best sort of way to approach that without sounding arsey or sarcastic?

She had mentioned if we couldn't do Wednesday, that we could talk on the phone tonight. Would it be an idea to utilise that and say wonder if you want to do that phone chat thing tonight or not?

24hrs too soon?

Well, don't contact her because you think her not contacting you is rude!

If you want to contact her, drop her a text saying "be nice to catch up, have you got time for a chat tonight" and see what she says. Especially as tonight is the night she said she would be able to have a chat.

Yeah I want to contact her rather than just making a point or something :)

It's just hard to know whether it's appropriate to do that given that she's not said anything yet since the date.

You could say something to the effect of 'I know we haven't arranged another date yet, but wondered if you'd like/are free to chat this evening?'

not putting pressure on her is key - as someone who has been on the receiving end of pressure to message

Yeah true. It's tricky though because if she wanted to chat and tonight or go out again I'm sure she'd say. I also just can't see her as so rude though to just not say anything hence being so confuzzled.

Info, really really don't message her again. It's unbecoming to nag and if she's in two minds about another meet up, another message is likely to sway her away from it. It would if it were me (busy doctor).

info I would not contact her for 48 hours and then more check how she was doing rather than put under any pressure to do anything.

You are dealing with a super busy professional who may be under a lot of pressure already.

OLD is hell

I messaged about five mins ago! Could be an oops, will see.

I just mentioned the phone call thing though and asked if she might wanna do that, absolutely nothing negative or why hasn't she answered etc.

If she takes offence or is scared off by that then I dodged a bullet anyway :)

Hope she replies soon info, waiting is hard. Hearing that someone doesn't want another date isn't a walk in the park but at least you know where you stand. I feel awful for the men I just didn't reply to in the past. You're right that it's rude and it's only by having the same happen back to me that I learned that.

My 'date' is moving at warp speed currently. Bit scared, bit excited but also feeling really comfortable. Considering I haven't actually seen him in years we've fallen back into a really easy conversation and both agree that there are feelings there. And that we both want to act on them. So time will tell if it's another of my bad decisions or if jumping in with both feet was the best decision I've made. I'm not really talking about it in real life because I know the people closest to me will be (understandably) cautious and I just don't want to hear it. Head in the sand mentality I know but I feel like I need to see where we can go this time around without outside influence. Agh.