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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 115 - come join us!

999 replies

InfoSec21 · 22/03/2017 17:44

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
Allthembuckets · 02/04/2017 10:43

Washing machine Confused oook!

RunnnyMummy glad you had a good time Grin

pringlecat busy with life, I've been the same though. The guys in OKC look better, there seem to be more suitable ones IMO. Then again, I was pondering this last night and I wouldn't go for my STBXH now, but he's not 18 anymore!

Pavonia · 02/04/2017 10:55

I have had Happn for a few days now. I've only got one "crush" which is what they call a match. We haven't messaged, I was going to message him but I can see he has been out of the area since Friday evening. If he comes back I will message him. There was one other brief crush this morning, I got an alert but then he wasn't there, which I think just goes to show that some men will say yes to everyone to see who matches and then delete the ones they don't like, as with the other apps.

I don't think Happn has that many people on it (in my age group anyway - 40s) as I was shopping in Islington yesterday afternoon and whilst it picked up some people there weren't vast numbers and I would imagine that to be a prime area on a Saturday afternoon.

There is something potentially stalkerish about it, I don't think I'd use it in a rural area where my location might be easily worked out(probably wouldn't get any hits anyway). For example I think someone might guess what tube station you use and could try to spot you. I would be careful what I post on the app. By default the app loads your occupation from Facebook, there is a large hospital quite near me and I've seen a couple of people who work there come up, they were probably travelling home. Be careful to edit your info if you are not comfortable with that level of disclosure. I always edit or delete my job description on these apps as I am self employed and I have an unusual profession which would enable someone to google me and find my home details easily.

There is a button you can press in preferences so that no one will cross your path for the next 8 hours, which I suppose is like hiding. Useful if you were visiting somewhere where you didn't want to show up to people.

Allthembuckets · 02/04/2017 10:56

Pavonia that hide button sounds good if you remember to use it.

I agree with pringlecat odd thing to lie about.

Bluegirl25 I think there was a list of generic abbreviations in Talk somewhere but not a specific dating one AFAIK. What would you like explained? I first thought STBXH was stupid, twatting bastard ex husband, which in some cases could be an accurate description!

Bluegirl25 · 02/04/2017 11:13

Ol and MB X

Bluegirl25 · 02/04/2017 11:14

Allthembuckets I would use that to describe my ex too 😂

WalkingInTheAir13 · 02/04/2017 11:14

Sorry folks but please what is:
POF?
MB?
iron?

InfoSec21 · 02/04/2017 11:37

POF is Plenty of Fish which is a dating app/site.
OI is over investing, liking someone a bit too much, a bit too soon.
MB is moose burgers. This is doing naughty things with someone!!
Iron is just for iron in the fire, if you're chatting to some peeps they are like having a few irons in the fire.

OP posts:
Allthembuckets · 02/04/2017 11:42

Bluegirl25 I would sometimes!

I think:

OI = over invested
MBA = moose burgers (sex, I don't know the back story for that!)
POF = Plenty Of Fish - it's a dating site.
Iron = not sure, ppl you're talking to, may meet or have met. Guessing it's something to do with striking while the iron's hot catchphrase.

Feel free to correct me/ add explanations.

justmeand2DC · 02/04/2017 12:11

Hi all, just updating somewhat belatedly from my last post back in thread 114 at the start of March when I had just started seeing Mr Outdoors.

We are still seeing each other and have had 4 further dates with 2 lots of MB and we are going away for a short break of 3 days tomorrow!! It may seem too early to holiday together but we have a practical problem in that he has 1 (adult) DC living with him and another who stays over every weekend while I have 2 teenage DC living at home, only one of whom sees their Dad EOW (and is away for a week's holiday with him now hence my being free to go on holiday).

So while we are not at the stage of meeting each other's DC our private time together has to take place on a weekday when our houses are guaranteed to be empty which obviously isn't a long term solution because our annual leave is quite limited!! I am not sure when is the accepted time to meet DC? Presumably adult or nearly-adult DC can be introduced sooner than younger DC? What sort of timeframe is acceptable to start meeting friends and adult family members? I have no experience of OLD protocol as I have only had my 20 year relationship with XP prior to this. I wish I had been on a few more dates to get some experience before things had progressed as Mr Outdoors was only my second date.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 02/04/2017 12:35

I wonder if we could also list out some of the terms that are so useful in figuring out what on earth is going on when meeting new people. Like love-bombing, future faking, breadcrumbs etc. I'm not really sure enough to offer up my own definitions and I bet there are more out there that I'd love to hear.

Love bombing and future faking definitely retrospectively helpful for working out what past irons were up to with me!

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 02/04/2017 12:39

Mr Web continues to be delicious, even though it will be a week before we can meet again. Just the right amount of texting, very caring and respectful, just lovely 😊

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 02/04/2017 12:40

Justme that some new lovely. I wouldn't stress about the dcs just yet, I would definitely give it a bit longer. You'll learn a lot about each other on your trip away. But I agree, no need for the 6-month wait that seems to be the general consensus for your beer children. Enjoy 😊

WalkingInTheAir13 · 02/04/2017 13:13

Thank you OP and Buckets! 🌸🌸

There's no way that I would have deciphered those by myself.

OutToGetYou · 02/04/2017 13:21

Kids 6m, adults about a month I'd say - but it is entirely dependent on the two people involved of course.

Bant · 02/04/2017 13:21

Ghosting - when someone (normally that you've begun a relationship with, and slept with) just disappears. Deletes and blocks from messaging apps, won't answer the phone etc, because they want to break it off but don't want to actually have the discussion.

I think people overuse the term to define anyone that just stops replying to messages, as this is common in OD when you're having discussions with several people - it's more specifically when you were in a relationship with them and they just disappear.

Breadcrumbing is when someone's level of communication drops dramatically, from chatting many times a day, to just the occasional message or interaction on Facebook or something. Basically they're keeping someone on the back burner so they can pick things up again when they choose.

Mooseburgers (MB) is also overused :) as it was originally defined as offering up sex on a plate to a man who would lose interest because he'd rather hunt for moose himself, and getting something without the need to hunt for it makes it seem less desirable. On here it's just used as a term for sex.

Lovebombing - a term used for the act of someone being incredibly full-on, planning the future together in the incredibly early stages of a relationship, romanticising and basically overwhelming your doubts and reservations through force of will. Then rapidly losing interest later on.

Future faking - I'm not completely sure I understand this, apart from what it seems to imply. Maybe it's the same as lovebombing?

Irons - to have several irons in the fire, messaging several people at once on OD, possibly multidating. It's a common technique in online dating. Chats and interactions run out of steam so often and quickly that it's possibly wise to have several people on the go at once.

OutToGetYou · 02/04/2017 13:44

I think future-faking can be distinct from love bombing.

LB = all that nonsense you get at the start about how you're wonderful, with all the constant texting and too much attention, etc. It's clearly unsustainable.

FF = you don't need the above, but it's more "oh, I've got tickets for this thing on 6m, will you come with me" while you're thinking "6m? I've not even met you yet". MrCar asked if he could come to a concert with me, I have two tickets, it's in July, I'd not even met him. I said yeah. But I knew there was no way he'd be going with me. I wasn't FF, he was - but he set himself up for it. He's actually the third bloke who has asked if they can come - maybe if someone asks me a bit nearer the time!?
And "we should go on holiday, how does August sound?" in February. It's a fake future because it's unnatural and you've not got enough history to base the decisions on.

Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship (sorry, women) should read this, and look for some of the signs:

unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Chapter 4 is types of abusive men. It includes some stuff about men (and I would imagine this does apply to abusive women as well) who do too much and that being a form of control.

My ex was a mix of Mr Demand and Mr [always] Right. But he also did too much, when I think back, on our first date (which was a first ever meet) he was trying to fix a complex thing on my car - I kept telling him that 1) I had tried the thing he was doing (changing the fuse - that isn't the complex part, the thing that was wrong was complex but he wouldn't listen to me about it) and 2) I didn't want him to do that, I wanted to go into the pub and have the drink we had agreed to have. But it's really hard to say "no, stop trying to help me" - I wish I'd read that book 8 years ago!

Allthembuckets · 02/04/2017 13:56

That sounds interesting, I don't get why people treat others badly!

Due to a health issue, I've had to relearn everything from scratch so I'm used to telling people not to help me as I will only get better at things physically if I do them over and over. But I've had years of practice in telling people!

Both LB and FF would make me run in the opposite direction! I would be very Hmm about either.

MrsPussinBoots · 02/04/2017 14:07

Really interesting to read the definitions of love bombing and future faking from you guys. Mr Accent is guilty of both but I'm quite happy to roll my eyes and ignore it because I know it's bull and I'm enjoying the attention after 2 years of being very alone.

Bant · 02/04/2017 14:38

Ah, see my ex girlfriend told me one time that I was - well she didn't use the term future faking as she probably hadn't heard it.

But we'd been talking about summer, In the spring of last year. I'd said maybe we could go to the Mediterranean in August as we'd both be on holiday, she liked the idea, so I looked up some resorts in different countries.

Then she freaked out and said she felt very pressured by my planning that far ahead. At that point we'd been together for nine months, so I didn't think I was.

Also, I told her early on that she was great, but.. I knew she was. I didn't stop feeling that way, but she felt very uncomfortable whenever anyone complimented her. She yelled at me one time when I told her I liked her smile. Catholic upbringing and emotionally abusive parents.

So I wasn't future faking, or lovebombing. Those are both based on intent to deceive, or the act of suddenly changing ones mind. But she might think I was guilty of both, because she couldn't truly believe, deep down, that I could be so blown away by her after just knowing her a couple of months, and that I saw us being together five months in the future, after we'd been together for nine months already.

Allthembuckets · 02/04/2017 14:57

MrsPussinBoots I find stuff like that annoying and unrealistic, I'm not very good at accepting compliments.

Bant That's sounds like normal planning! Sorry to hear she felt that way though.

InfoSec21 · 02/04/2017 16:24

Outtogetyou, who are you going to see in July?

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 02/04/2017 17:30

Info - you need to guess from my username!

Bant - it is difficult. I had an abusive upbringing and find it really hard to accept compliments. On Friday a guy at work said "that's a nice dress", I said "thank you" - he has zero ulterior motive, he's about 20 years younger than me, his partner also works for us, he's a genuinely nice guy. Yet, inside I'm thinking he obviously said that because it made me look fat and he was shocked he then thought I must have noticed him looking at me and felt he had to say something to give a reason..... etc etc.

I think with the LB and the FF it's a bit more insistent than saying something nice, or talking about a holiday after 9m. Also, it's more doing it on the first date!
(Years ago a guy asked me on our first [and only] date what sort of wedding dress I might like)

InfoSec21 · 02/04/2017 17:50

Ah, it's James.

I have tickets for a band in July and no idea who to go with. Was hoping to take a femme but it's not looking likely at this point!!

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 02/04/2017 17:57

I've invited one friend who can't make it, then was going to ask my sister but she was mean to me about how I always go to see them (said I was 'stupid' to see the same band more than once Confused and when I said they never do the same set twice she said "you can't know that" - er, I do know that!) so now she's not getting a free ticket, I'd rather give it to someone I don't know! But I expect a fan will snap it up nearer the time via the fan facebook page.

I am seeing them again two weeks after but only bought one ticket for that one.

I am aware that I am slightly unhinged but it's not hurting anyone, is it? :)

InfoSec21 · 02/04/2017 18:14

It's not unhinged at all. If I like a band a lot I'd happily see every gig of the tour if I could!!

OP posts:
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