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Original poster

Dating Thread 115 - come join us!

999 replies

InfoSec21 · 22/03/2017 17:44

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 27/03/2017 20:05

I don't date younger men, I went on a date with one man who was 5 years younger but found it hard work, I have my settings set on age 34-46, I am 35 but prefer older men.

Plenty I think it depends, it's ok as long as you make it clear that it's just for a drink and not for sex. I don't invite men back unless it is for sex Grin.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 27/03/2017 20:24

I had an old flame who was 5 years younger than me (I'm 42) and he faffed for ages over having dcs of his own and I didn't want anymore. So definitely get that question out of the way sooner rather than later with a younger man folks!

Mr Planes is 7 years younger and I presume he found someone closer to his own age and with less baggage, though I don't have any proof of that as he hasn't messaged me not at all bitter after 2 weeks chatting and date arranged. Etc.

I'm more inclined to go for someone my own age or older. Younger only if they definitely know what they do and don't want. I don't want to invest in someone who turned round in a year or 3 to tell me they want kids or a 'younger' lifestyle.

Having said that, there are of course exceptions to this, as PPs have pointed out and it's great is had worked for you all Grin it sounds great!

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 27/03/2017 20:26

Plenty I'd be wary if it's first or second date. Maybe less so if I'd known him longer. And I'd make it clear before you go home whether it's just coffee or more... you don't want to be in an awkward situation, esp with dcs asleep upstairs.

rememberthetime · 27/03/2017 20:31

Well for me 5 years in either direction is fine. Mr Overseas is 5 years younger, but I hardly give it a thought. People tell me I look 5-10 years younger than I am, so I guess that is part of the reason he was interested.

But I also like and have always liked older men.

In fact maybe i just really like all men...(well the nice, sane ones...)

HalfInLoveWithElizabeth · 27/03/2017 20:42

Sigh. My irons all seem to have gone cold. One I really liked seems to have run a mile because I wanted to meet. Obviously that's daft and a big red flag, but I had thought he was really nice Sad.

I should send some messages I suppose, but men don't seem to reply. Nobody has messaged me in ages.

Oh dear, feeling a bit sorry for myself Grin I know everyone's had the same problems at one point or another!

Rockluvvindad · 27/03/2017 21:07

Soory folks, been a bit busy to keep up and post...

Pringle Good news on Beardy... Glad he got in touch.

PlentyofFishnets I would be utterly blatant and just say "no MB"... I never expect it when I get invited in, but everyone thinks differently. If you're upfront then there's no misunderstanding. Of course being careful about personal safety is important to take into consideration...

Info talk to the woman... Life is to short to be trying to second and third guess...

Errrr that's about all I have folks. It's Monday and I've already drunk too many glasses of wine after a friend came round. On a school night !!!!

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 27/03/2017 21:16

On the subject of investing in a flame...

How do you avoid it? I mean, we're all in there looking for someone. Some yes are looking for a fling, but most are looking for long term.

So on that basis, when you get to chatting and meeting, how do you stop your brain from looking to the future with that person?

I'm better now than I used to be, thanks to experience Hmm but I do think it's not like bumping into someone while out and then taking it step by step into what may or may not become a relationship.

On OLD, we are looking for that from the outset, so it's hard not to invest a little, no?

MrsPussinBoots · 27/03/2017 21:27

Once, you've hit the nail on the head. I've met Mr Accent 3 times in under a week, meeting again in the morning. I feel great Grin and we seem to get on very well even with the language barrier. Chaste kisses today instead of snogging (as outside my office lol).

But what if he's playing a game and the flowers, coffee etc are all leading to a quick and humiliating bang and leave? How do you all protect yourselves mentally?

Rockluvvindad · 27/03/2017 21:30

oncemore I think OI is mainly a problem before you have met... It's so easy to get carried away when messaging that we forget it's not real life. I think once you've actually met someone more than once it's a natural feeling to get carried away and OI somewhat. That's the "teenage" feeling so many people want. The problem is that it can be a conveyor belt when OLD so it's hard not to become hardened to it...

I try not to get too carried away before meeting now. That's the only rule I have really.

RLD

Thattwatoverthere · 27/03/2017 21:30

oncemore I'm interested in finding that out too! I can say hi to someone that I find vaguely attractive and within 5 minutes we're practically married in my head.

Lovemusic33 · 27/03/2017 21:46

Mrs, it's always a possibility Sad, some men enjoy the chase and then once they get what they want they disappear, it's just a risk we take so I think it's always best to try not to OI until you know for sure.

I looked at a profile on POF as I recognised the face (though thought it couldn't be that person as I thought they were in a happy relationship) after I viewed the profile he quickly messaged me and it was who I thought it was. Someone I grew up with, someone I kind of had a crush on but he was always way out of my league. Turns out he split with his partner. I still think he's out of my league but was nice that he messaged me to say hi.

Bant · 27/03/2017 21:49

That's why there's rule 1. You'll get hurt, probably. Some of that is outside your control - you'll meet players and charmers who are looking for a shag or fun, and will lead you on. You can stop getting hurt by this lot by keeping your red flag radar going, and looking out for signs. It's not always perfect, and for some it takes more work than others, but it'll catch most of them.

Most times, you'll meet someone who'll want the same as you, but for some reason it won't work out. That's the hardest thing, I think, because you let your guard down because you trust them. You don't see the flags so often, but as is the case with almost all relationships, they fail.

And then a rare few times, you meet someone great, at the right time for both of you.

Other than these last few cases, you need the thick skin.

Definitely learn to not overinvest until you've met them. That's rule 3 and rule 4.

MrsPussinBoots · 27/03/2017 22:11

Very wise words Bant

Dieu · 27/03/2017 22:27

He always is! Halo

Bant · 27/03/2017 22:39

Stoppit I'm blushing :)

Still can't be arsed to plunge back into online dating,

I've seen some amazingly amusing profiles though. And not in a 'wow, I should message her' type of way. More of an 'ahh, now I understand why we voted for Brexit, and I think I may move to Papua new guinea' type.

Seriously, do people not understand that you can take more than one photo of yourself, and choose the one that makes you look less of a serial killer?

I weep for humanity. Also, I laugh and point at it,

Thattwatoverthere · 27/03/2017 23:05

I like the 'take many photos on the same day wearing a different top' approach best. Usually all in front of bathroom mirror and same neutral expression.

OutToGetYou · 27/03/2017 23:09

I see OLD as being like looking for a job and buying a house.

You need to commit to it, but the outcome is only 50% in your hands. So, you don't want to commit too much for fear of loss/hurt. But, there's no point doing it if you don't commit. So, you commit as much as you feel able and hold a bit back.

With a job you have to believe you could get it, otherwise why go for it - but prepare to feel bad if you don't, then tell yourself it wasn't the right job anyway.

Same with houses, if the seller doesn't want your offer....you have to be prepared to walk away, so not over commit, but it's a fuckton of money so you have to commit to it to some extent....

info - I'd message, could be loads of reasons she didn't reply before, and we all know our preferences and tolerances change the more we date. (same with looking at houses, actually, but I shall leave that analogy there....)

Plentyoffishnets · 27/03/2017 23:15

Well my date went well I think.
We get along really well and I really like him
Had a lovely snog at the end but it didn't feel right to invite him in so I didn't. But the kiss was great and I got butterflies!!

Bant · 27/03/2017 23:22

It's strange, biology, isn't it?

It's considered great to end a first date having got butterflies.

But not to have got crabs.

pringlecat · 27/03/2017 23:25

Plentyoffishnets Oooh, yay for butterflies! What do you think, another date on the cards?

OutToGetYou I've said it before, but a date is like a sex interview. You are effectively interviewing each other to decide if you want to sleep with each other. (If you're looking for something long term, there are of course other criteria, but whatever kind of commitment you're after, there's a basic attraction test.)

Bant I don't like to share more than one or two photos publicly, for the reason that I don't want to put myself out there publicly. When it comes to OLD, I think to do it properly, you have to commit to giving away a certain amount of your privacy. For work and safety reasons, I find it difficult to do that.

Re wise words, hear hear. It's nice to have a regular perspective from the other side. Smile

Lovemusic33 If he messaged you first, maybe he doesn't think so?

Thattwatoverthere Well, if we're being that honest... Absolutely! If I click with someone, I do have similar crazy thoughts that I keep to myself.

Rockluvvindad For similar reasons, I prefer to meet quickly now too. If there's no spark in person, it's better to know sooner.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach I wish I knew. I am a serial over investor. I see myself doing it, I tell myself to stop and yet I still get hurt. But I think as long as we keep picking ourselves up and looking, we're doing OK.

HalfInLoveWithElizabeth I had a cute guy message me who seemed to be a really good match - he deleted his profile. Irons disappear all the time! Don't let it bother you and if you're not having a good hit rate, take a break and use another site/app.

rememberthetime Honestly? I prefer a little older. A little younger is fine too, but they have to have passed the same milestone birthdays.

Plentyoffishnets Inviting someone back? I wouldn't advise it unless you're comfortable with the prospect of mooseburgers.

pringlecat · 27/03/2017 23:26

Grin @ Bant

Plentyoffishnets · 27/03/2017 23:27

Haha very true.
It is is weird. Little kiss second date small flutter, third date nothing at all, tonight lots of the buggers!
And also weird as not necessarily connected to attraction per se. Didn't get them at all with the guy I felt the most lust I have ever felt for... So there you go.

Plentyoffishnets · 27/03/2017 23:32

Thanks pringle. Yeah happy taking it quite slow actually as feel that I need trust building a bit.
Think there'll be another date, he seems to be talking as if we are an ongoing item but not had a chat about it as such.
Now to stop over investing! I am terrible for doing this xx

pringlecat · 27/03/2017 23:37

Plentyoffishnets Oh, that sounds promising. Sorry, I'm not helping with getting you to not over invest, am I?

HalfInLoveWithElizabeth · 27/03/2017 23:41

pringlecat yes indeed, I think I need to try a new site. I seem to have exhausted the possibilities on OKC (not literally Grin). I experimentally widened my search area to include London today (about 60 miles away) and there were many many nice looking men in my age range. But realistically probably couldn't do a relationship in London.

As if by magic I have been 'liked' today by a guy 10 years younger than me - life imitating mumsnet again! No message though...