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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is your opinion of my husband from this one example

167 replies

spaghettigirl · 22/03/2017 17:31

Yesterday evening, I was tidying the kitchen and lifted up a bottle of wine he had opened to clean the surface. Unfortunately, the whole thing slipped through my hand, it smashed and it went all over me and the floor.

I can't quite shake off that he went out of the room to sit down on the sofa while I cleared it up by myself.

It was a silly accident but if it was him I would have helped him.

Obviously there are many more dickish things he has done but I felt so unvalued and unloved at this point.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 23/03/2017 08:29

Of course it's a one person job. But just walking away without saying anything, not a token offer of help or a word of sympathy? Or even "I'll get out of your way, then" Surely nobody would do that?

Floggingmolly · 23/03/2017 08:30

Again; op hadn't said he did. She hasn't come back either Hmm

LellyMcKelly · 23/03/2017 08:51

I wouldn't have helped. The rule in this house is that if you make the mess you tidy it up. It's only a bottle of wine.

HecateAntaia · 23/03/2017 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Taylor22 · 23/03/2017 09:01

I manage to break a lot of things.
My husband doesn't ask if I'm OK. He asks what I've broken now and if it's something he likes.

As far as I'm concerned he's a loving and caring person.

Joysmum · 23/03/2017 09:17

Surely nobody would do that?

Go back and read through the replies on this thread and you'll see that plenty of us would and that this isn't a sinister sign of being uncaring or our partners needing to LTB!.

People don't all react the same way and it can be hard for people to appreciate that without seeing alternative behaviour as anything other than negative.

Emboo19 · 23/03/2017 09:21

Those who wouldn't offer to help, would that be where ever you are? Say you're at a dinner party and the host drops something would you offer help? Or if your parents or grandparents did the same, would you not help clear it up?
I can't imagine ever just walking off and not offering help, and don't get how two people make it harder!

corythatwas · 23/03/2017 09:22

PoorYorick Wed 22-Mar-17 18:05:53
"This alone doesn't mean anything. Cleaning up a smash is a one person job. I wouldn't have wanted him around in case he kicked the glass around further or cut himself. But he should have checked you were ok and not cut yourself."

This. To me, unless you cut yourself, dropping a bottle of wine is a complete non-event, not something you need help with,

If it had been my teenager, I would have mildly reminded him to be careful and told him to make sure to get all the glass up.

If it had been dh (knowing dh and his reactions to the small mishaps of life) I would have told him for heaven's sake not to make so much noise, it's only a bottle and nobody's died.

If it had been me, teen would have laughed merrily and dh would have said "oops".

And we are a very happy, loving family.

If there is something underlying this, OP, how about you come back and tell us?

TFPsa · 23/03/2017 09:39

Yep, in isolation the OP yields no useful information at all. This of course doesn't preclude the possibility that he's an awful human being etc, there's just no evidence in those few sentences.

TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 23/03/2017 09:46

If this had been my husband, I would have probably checked he was okay, then left him to it. Although chances are I would have had to answer a series of shouted questions about the location of various items.

If it had been me, my husband wouldn't stick around either. He might or might not check I was okay (although my choice of expletive would tell him all he needed to know). But this is because I get unreasonably embarrassed and angry with myself when I hurt myself or make a silly mistake, and he's learnt that having an audience makes this far worse.

This is ONE stupidly small incident, and we cannot possibly begin to draw conclusions about the state of your marriage.

Belle1102 · 23/03/2017 09:57

If this is a one off event then I'd have just felt mildly irritated that he didn't help me clean it up, and would then forget about it as it's not a big deal.
If he does things like this a lot where he offers no help around the house and expects you to do everything then I'd be having a strong word with him about it but as calmly as possibly. Something along the lines of 'please can you help me a little bit with some chores now and again as I'd really appreciate it a lot'.
If he were to then mock me or flat out refuse to ever help then I'd start doing things like cooking my own meals, doing my own laundry and only washing up the dishes I've used. He'll soon cotton on that he can't just sit around all the time when he's at home as a relationship has to always be a two way street.

Adora10 · 23/03/2017 10:43

It's not about helping to clear up, it's basic manners to ask if the person is ok and not cut, is that really too much to expect from your partner, I don't think so; I am guessing the OP was giving this as one example of his apathetic attitude towards her, there's clearly more going on than this.

reallyanotherone · 23/03/2017 10:48

If anyone smashes anything in our house the rule is everyone out of the room, including the cat, while the adult who smashed it and is therefore stood in the midst of everything cleans it up.

Less risk of other people helping and getting cut themselves and they need to keep the bloody cat out the way who is an utter pita and needs to be bloody involved in everything, and i don't need the vet bills

deckoff · 23/03/2017 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 23/03/2017 12:15

he should have checked you were ok and not cut yourself

He was in the same room and could see that for himself. Dropping a bottle isn't a physiologically damaging experience, just crack on with the clean up and curse yourself at the waste of good wine. No drama.

badabing36 · 23/03/2017 12:30

I think it's a bigger problem that he didn't talk to her at all than not helping clear up.

I would offer to help (Halo), but a 'whoops, I'll leave you' to it is equally valid if you have no manners.

It is a 'non-event' as a pp said, but people in happy relationships talk to each other about non-events.

Original poster
spaghettigirl · 23/03/2017 12:43

Thanks all for your replies, interesting mix of responses. I think the posters who were complacent about the wine event are in happy marriages where they are respected and treated kindly-so thought it a ridiculous thing to be upset about. It was disappointing for me because of an accumulation of other events and it highlighted exactly what he thought of me. I personally would not have treated a dog like that.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 23/03/2017 12:45

I understand that, but this is why context is so important. I often find myself very angry over things that, if they were isolated incidents, would be extremely minor.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2017 12:59

I think the posters who were complacent about the wine event are in happy marriages where they are respected and treated kindly

OP, you are probably right. But then that implies that you feel you are not in a happy marriage. Why are you staying in that marriage? If you feel devalued and uncared-for, then you should end that marriage. What's stopping you?

We all deserve to be happy.

Adora10 · 23/03/2017 13:14

By getting up and walking out and not even acknowledging what had just happened, it's pretty passive aggressive; if I had done that with anyone there, I doubt their first reaction would be to walk out and not say a word.

As you say OP, it's cumulative; not one incident.

TheConstantCakeEater · 23/03/2017 13:17

If that happened in my relationship, DH would come to check if I needed help or said go sort yourself out and he would clear the glass/wine and I got clean clothes etc

I agree that him just stomping off without a word is what highlights the lack of care.

RadiatorWatch · 23/03/2017 13:21

From this one incident I couldn't judge your DH, an adult is quite capable of clearing up after themselves.
From your op and reply it seems there is more going on in your relationship.
You need to talk to him, or if you are passed this point, consider leaving him.
Hope you're ok Flowers

BoringUsername17 · 23/03/2017 13:24

OP I have written posts like yours in the past. In fact I had a similar incident with my ex once. The fact that it troubled you enough to post tells its own story

Dozer · 23/03/2017 14:30

I don't think it's treating someone "like a dog" at app to expect them to clear up their own mess, and leave them to it, when the job is easily done by one person . Many posters report on this thread that this "the norm" in their relationship.

Clearly though OP there are underlying tensions and you don't feel kindly treated by your H, in general. Sad

ImFuckingSpartacus · 23/03/2017 14:34

I personally would not have treated a dog like that

A dog can't clear up after themselves if they knocked over a bottle of wine.

I'm sure you have your reasons to be pissed off, OP, but on the face of it this is not one of them.

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