New partner got a private dance in a strip club?

[Anonymous2121]

I have been seeing a man for around 5 months now, so the relationship is still fairly new. We get on really well, great sex, it was a little complicated at the start due to ex-partners but things have been going great.

We went out on Friday evening and he admitted that the weekend before he had gone to a strip club with his friends and he had paid for a private dance. He said it very flippantly and in a light-hearted way. I had a problem with this as we had talked previously about being exclusive with one another and I see paying for a private strip dance as cheating. He argued that it was just a bit of fun with his mates, you can't even touch the women and he had been drinking.

We hadn't discussed relationship/cheating boundaries prior to this but it is pretty obvious in my mind that this is some form of cheating? I would have no problem if it was a group activity/part of a group stag do, but it's the fact he actually paid for a private dance which annoyed me. I am considering calling things off, but not sure if I am over reacting and it is indeed something trivial?

"Yes imagine that, a man who didn't care if a stripper was exploited?"

Are you suggesting that men don't care about that sort of thing?

Is there any proof whatsoever that the male population as a whole gives a flying fuck about hether strippers get exploited?

"Is there any proof whatsoever that the male population as a whole gives a flying fuck about hether strippers get exploited?"

No. Which is why I, for one, was pretty choosy........

I still suspect there are many "choosy" women who have zero idea their dp/dh has been to a strip/lap club.

For me it's simple. I would view treating women as disposable commodities as a bigger betrayal than cheating with a consenting partner. That isn't to say that I would necessarily forgive a cheat either, but it would depend on the circumstances. There are no circumstances in which I could forgive the buying of women.

Stitch - both are bad but you really place a personal betrayal to you, your relationship, sexual health and family life over a visit to a strip club? Why are you personally lower on the list than the women at strip clubs?

It wouldn't bother me at all.
But he obviously told you to gauge your reaction. If it makes you feel that you want to call it off, then do that. Otherwise it'll always be a problem, you won't be able to trust him again. Especially because he minimised your feelings on the matter.

Both are personal betrayals.

But the private dance at a strip club says something about the sort of man he is in a wider sense. A one night stand does not necessarily do that.

Dalahorse, I think it's worse because it means he's making a choice to buy sexual stimulation from another woman, just because he can. Putting an actual price on risking the relationship. For nothing but a bit of titillation. (Leaving aside the matter of personally feeling that there is misogyny running through buying sex work.)

Whereas a one night stand can be about mutual attraction and desire, and it doesn't necessarily indicate an overall lack of respect for women.

Dala because it speaks to someone's values. I don't believe that someone who cheats necessarily believes that consent can be bought, that women are subhuman and that exploitation and objectification is acceptable. I know that someone who visits lapdance clubs or prostitutes does believe that by their actions. Someone with that mindset isn't someone I want anywhere near me. That isn't to say I would forgive cheating either, just that there might be some circumstances where I would. There are NO circumstances in which I would forgive using the sex industry because of the attitude behind it.

I would be furious if my OH got a private dance without checking if I was ok with it first. I don't think I'd end things with him but I'd be very pissed off for a while and would make it crystal clear that he was to never do it again

Visiting lapdancing clubs would be a personal betrayal of me because my partner knows my views and beliefs, and how important they are to me.

Agitatedguava, it's what's worse that's the question, isn't it? There's a lot more wrong with a man who views women as commodities, in my view.

Stitch - you still sound as though you value women in a strip clubhouse more than your own sexual health, whether or not the ow was consenting. I could understand if you said they were just as bad as each other but still don't see why you place yourself second. To me, it's odd that you don't want the same level of respect for yourself just because the ow would be consenting. How does that help sexual health and a devastated family life?

As a one off I wouldn't be bothered. You have told him your view now - where he goes from here is what is important. Unfortunately I think some men need it spelling out.

It's not about valuing myself more or less than the woman in the club.

It is about what going to the club tells me about the sort of person the man involved is.

"However, a one night stand would tell me just as much and more. That I was with a lying, cheating scumbag interested in self gratification."

Very probably. But not absolutely 100% certainly.

whether it's "cheating" or not, why would you want to have a relationship with someone who doesn't respect women?

He argued that it was just a bit of fun with his mates, you can't even touch the women and he had been drinking.
Such a catch - not!