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Original poster

New partner got a private dance in a strip club?

171 replies

Anonymous2121 · 19/03/2017 18:11

I have been seeing a man for around 5 months now, so the relationship is still fairly new. We get on really well, great sex, it was a little complicated at the start due to ex-partners but things have been going great.

We went out on Friday evening and he admitted that the weekend before he had gone to a strip club with his friends and he had paid for a private dance. He said it very flippantly and in a light-hearted way. I had a problem with this as we had talked previously about being exclusive with one another and I see paying for a private strip dance as cheating. He argued that it was just a bit of fun with his mates, you can't even touch the women and he had been drinking.

We hadn't discussed relationship/cheating boundaries prior to this but it is pretty obvious in my mind that this is some form of cheating? I would have no problem if it was a group activity/part of a group stag do, but it's the fact he actually paid for a private dance which annoyed me. I am considering calling things off, but not sure if I am over reacting and it is indeed something trivial?

OP posts:
SeriousSteve · 19/03/2017 21:27

Sorry, if not clear. I'd dump him. Lack of respect for women, I wonder how he sees women in other channels - money, work etc.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2017 21:28

Everyone has their own boundaries, for me, no this isn't a deal breaker, and I definitely don't see it as cheating, but you need to set your own boundaries.

Underthemoonlight · 19/03/2017 21:32

I don't view it as cheating but I always feel there's an element of double standards

A man gets a private dance he's a cheat but in some way if a woman has a dance from a male stripper that's ok?

SparklingRaspberry · 19/03/2017 21:35

I would count this as cheating too

There is a massive difference between going into a strip club and then paying money to have a naked girl grind on you. It doesn't matter whether the men can touch or not, they still have her boobs in their face. They're still paying for another woman to be naked and pretty much dry humping them.

Ask him how he would feel if you were to give another man a naked lap dance for money. I bet he'd conveniently class that as cheating Hmm

CrowyMcCrowFace · 19/03/2017 21:36

'so, soon to be xp, you thought paying a woman to rub her genitals on your trousers would be something I wouldn't object to? Bye Felipe. :

I'd rather be cheated on, frankly, than with a man who treats women with such contempt. Honestly. I'd be quicker to forgive a mutual ONS than a lap dance.

Complete deal breaker here.

Hardyloveit · 19/03/2017 22:29

Under the moon I agree with you!

I don't class this as cheating at all! You know he would have had to sit on his hands?
No touching.

I don't have a problem with strip clubs etc (dh has been to a few on days n stags etc)

If you do have a problem with it though that's your personal choice n opinion and only you can decide what to do next. If you think it's cheating and obviously don't want that you need to either talk to him or leave?

I think talk first though as he may not have realised you felt so strongly about it

HelenaDove · 19/03/2017 23:18

"Ask him how he would feel if you were to give another man a naked lap dance for money. I bet he'd conveniently class that as cheating"

Because of the way society is set up and the way women are treated in society as opposed to men this is what the equivilent would be not the OP getting a dance off a male stripper which many women would also find distasteful.

UndertheMoonlight. a. no one here said it was ok.

b. women arent all one big homogenous mass who go bug eyed as soon as a man takes his clothes off.

Funny how in instances like this ppl cant wait to say women are the same as men but as soon as it comes to housework women and men are suddenly different as in men cant see dirt and women are better at multi tasking.

Meowstro · 19/03/2017 23:33

For me I feel porn is fine, a strip club is fine but a private lap dance? Nope. I'm not sure whether I consider it cheating but I wouldn't want to be with a guy who is that sleazy.

GloucestershireGuy · 20/03/2017 08:20

I wouldn't class it as cheating.

If in all other respects he was a good guy, I would say "I don't like that behaviour, here's why (it's sleazy, you're in effect buying a human being etc) and I don't want a relationship with someone who feels that is OK" and make it clear this was non-negotiable and that one further excursion and you're out of there.

I think he needs to know what your boundaries are. Some men just don't see the picture until it's explained to them and then can actually change and adjust. But you can't expect someone to know that "we're exclusive" necessarily means "you can't go to a strip club because I regard that as cheating" - you need to tell them that first, because as this thread shows, a lot of people don't see it as cheating (even if they might dump his sorry arse for being a sleaze).

category12 · 20/03/2017 08:57

I wouldn't class it as cheating per se, but I would think very carefully about what this means in terms of the way he views women. I would wonder if he has or does buy sex. I would be very thoughtful.

VestalVirgin · 20/03/2017 09:15

I'd rather be cheated on, frankly, than with a man who treats women with such contempt. Honestly. I'd be quicker to forgive a mutual ONS than a lap dance.

Any cheating would be a deal breaker to me, but I would get rid of a man for going to strip clubs before getting into a relationship with me.

Whereas, ONS, if it was before the relationship, could be forgiven, depending on circumstance.
(Some men do treat the women they have ONS with with contempt, some don't - depends on that)

He is testing your boundaries OP. If you put up with this now, he will do worse in the future.

Get rid of him while it is still early; it would only hurt more, later.

Mulberry72 · 20/03/2017 09:22

I'm sorry but paying for a private dance would be a deal breaker for me. The thought of it makes me feel ill.

WTAF2016 · 20/03/2017 09:22

It's the fact he buys into the buying women world that would bother me. It's not cheating but he would be gone.

Crumbelina · 20/03/2017 09:27

I definitely wouldn't see it as cheating but I wouldn't want to be with a man like that. Sounds snobbish of me but I have quite high standards and would expect them to have a bit more class.

Kikikaakaa · 20/03/2017 09:41

I would find it hard to fancy him again, I think it's just like watching live porn - I know there is no actual sex involved in a private dance but it's just seedy and grim. It also is really gross paying women to look at them

JigglyTuff · 20/03/2017 09:56

I could never be in a relationship with a man who buys women

LastMangoInPeckham · 20/03/2017 10:02

Any man that pays for private dance would be out of the door.

Showing such contempt for women is a deal breaker IMHO.

elQuintoConyo · 20/03/2017 10:02

What a rancid individual.

Run OP.

RockyBird · 20/03/2017 10:03

My DH calls an end to his night out if it steers towards a strip joint.

He went to one on his stag do but warned his mates there'd be no lap dances etc. It ended up being just an expensive place to drink. We were a lot younger and more stupid then and I don't think my 20-odd year old self would have batted an eyelid over it.

Neither of us had strong views on it until we actually thought about it.

Sleazy is right and I wouldn't want to be with someone who frequents these places.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 20/03/2017 10:10

Text him and say you've given his opinions serious consideration, and actually, you agree that it doesn't constitute cheating. Then casually ask how much he paid for the dance as you're could do with earning a little extra cash right now....

nonameinspiration · 20/03/2017 10:12

Deal breaker for me. I want to date a man who doesn't want to exploit anyone. Current dp is quite proud of the fact the closest he's been to a strip club is puking in the doorway of one during a stag night when he was about 18 and he's now 42.

Champers4Pampers · 20/03/2017 10:46

This isn't about what others would do. It's about you & your boundaries.

You said that you hadn't discussed this sort of thing beforehand. I don't think you should end it just for that, he didn't know that this was a no go area for you. I think it speaks volumes that he told you, he could of kept it from you and you'd be none the wiser.

If moving forward he can't accept that you consider this cheating and that he would do it again then he clearly doesn't respect you enough and I wouldn't see a future in it.

SandyY2K · 20/03/2017 11:01

How you feel about it, is really the main issue. Whether others consider it cheating is irrelevant. It's you life and you have your standards.

I find a private dance is a step too far. Him saying it casually shows it's not a big deal for him. Sounds like something he's done before and would do it again.

category12 · 20/03/2017 11:06

Champers4pampers, I don't think it's something that you need to discuss beforehand. Do most people really set out their boundaries covering all possible behaviours and can only complain if they're crossed in full knowledge?

I think it speaks volumes that he thinks getting a private dance is nothing, too. But not in a reassuring way.

Adora10 · 20/03/2017 11:06

Not quite cheating but hugely disrespectful to both you and the poor dancer; would turn me completely off him and I'd probably dump just on that basis; it's not a nice trait he's showing you.

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