New partner got a private dance in a strip club?

[Anonymous2121]

I have been seeing a man for around 5 months now, so the relationship is still fairly new. We get on really well, great sex, it was a little complicated at the start due to ex-partners but things have been going great.

We went out on Friday evening and he admitted that the weekend before he had gone to a strip club with his friends and he had paid for a private dance. He said it very flippantly and in a light-hearted way. I had a problem with this as we had talked previously about being exclusive with one another and I see paying for a private strip dance as cheating. He argued that it was just a bit of fun with his mates, you can't even touch the women and he had been drinking.

We hadn't discussed relationship/cheating boundaries prior to this but it is pretty obvious in my mind that this is some form of cheating? I would have no problem if it was a group activity/part of a group stag do, but it's the fact he actually paid for a private dance which annoyed me. I am considering calling things off, but not sure if I am over reacting and it is indeed something trivial?

You didn't like it and he made light of it.

By continuing the relationship he will keep doing it.

If that's ok with you, fine. If not, then dump now.

But it's two completely different things. Using porn would be a deal breaker for me too. Because of the women being bought and sold mindset. It's not the sex, it's the"politics".

I honestly think you must be deliberately misunderstanding here Guava...

"'Because of the women being bought and sold mindset.' how about the 'respecting women mindset'? Which your hypothetically unfaithful partner would not be doing to you!"

I agree. He wouldn't be. But he could, hypothetically, explain why he ended up having sex with a woman who chose to have sex with him. There is no way at all he could explain why he ended up buying a woman for money.

I understand Bertrand's point because I feel the same. I would find a one night stand with a mutually consenting partner easier to forgive than buying sexual services from another woman.

There is a world of different between a partner who has a mutually agreeable one night stand with another man or woman and someone who considers it OK to buy and sell people.

The former is specifically a betrayal of me personally - something which might be manageable/survivable depending on circumstances.

The latter is a mindset I couldn't live with. Ever.

I am surprised the difference isn't screamingly obvious.

Wow. Going off the original theme a bit, but I don't think I could forgive my OH having a mutually agreeable ons with someone else no matter how carried away they were. Purely because it is such a personal betrayal. I would think a private dance was horribly sleazy, but if going along with a bunch of drunken, idiotic friends, I would consider this as less of a personal betrayal, as it was looking, no touching. Really crappy behaviour for an exclusive relationship though. OP, set your boundaries!

I wouldn't class it as cheating but I wouldn't be impressed that he paid for a woman to shake her tits and arse in his face to turn him on. I'd also question his morals why he felt the need to pay a woman, its such a degrading thing to do. Lads' Night out or not, I'd limit contact and let it trail off. Better men out there! He sounds as if he needs a few blow outs before he's ready for a new relationship.

I personally wouldn't see it as cheating. I don't think the guys, or the girls, in the club take it seriously at all. It's pathetic when you think what it is the men are paying for, but in society at least at the moment it's considered "a lads thing to do" rather than a serious thing to do.

If my dp was going to lap dancing regularly then I would end things. As a one-off and as part of a bigger picture or itinerary e.g. stag do, I wouldn't like it but I'd tolerate it.

I'm amazed he told you. How many women on here have no idea their dp/dh has been to a strip or lap dancing club just because they have never been told about it? A lot, I should think. Blissful ignorance.

Guava- why do you keep ignoring the issue of women as something you can buy or sell? That someone who pays a woman for sexual services shows that he does not care about consent, or about the ethics of the "sex industry" or about what her life is like. That he is perpetuating a world view that says women are a disposable commercial transaction?

I don't think the guys, or the girls, in the club take it seriously at all.

Define serious.

And why the OP shouldn't take it seriously, even if those at the club don't.
The women at the club presumably take it very seriously. As in very serious money.
As for the men there, I'm sure they treat it just as a meat market.

Bertrand - are all club workers victims? There are different ways to make money. I know someone who does it and she's a regular girl. Doesn't have a drug issue or a horrible past, she just makes a lot of money from it and isn't shy about her body or stripping etc.

I'm amazed he told you.

It's also called normalising. He's testing the boundaries and if the OP doesn't make a big fuss he'll feel justified in doing it again. If she does, then he'll shut up about it.

Lweju / I don't think all girls are downtrodden and exploited victims, some do it for the money because they make more than working in an office or shop or whatever. As for the men, for some it's part of the night out in the same manner as casino, curry or whatever.

Agree on testing the boundaries, but what has he to gain from ops "approval" or acquiescence? He could just do it without her knowing. All he's got to do it keep quiet about that aspect of his night out.

"Bertrand - are all club workers victims?"

No. But there is no way of telling which ones are. So no decent person would take the chance.

Guava- it has been explained to you by me and others, but you are, apparently, not taking it in. Fair enough.

Lweju / I don't think all girls are downtrodden and exploited victims

Did I say they were? Least of all, "all"?

Because a woman in a strip club may well be exploited or trafficked. I would not under any circumstances want to be with a man who thought so little of women that he didn't care about this.