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Original poster

New partner got a private dance in a strip club?

171 replies

Anonymous2121 · 19/03/2017 18:11

I have been seeing a man for around 5 months now, so the relationship is still fairly new. We get on really well, great sex, it was a little complicated at the start due to ex-partners but things have been going great.

We went out on Friday evening and he admitted that the weekend before he had gone to a strip club with his friends and he had paid for a private dance. He said it very flippantly and in a light-hearted way. I had a problem with this as we had talked previously about being exclusive with one another and I see paying for a private strip dance as cheating. He argued that it was just a bit of fun with his mates, you can't even touch the women and he had been drinking.

We hadn't discussed relationship/cheating boundaries prior to this but it is pretty obvious in my mind that this is some form of cheating? I would have no problem if it was a group activity/part of a group stag do, but it's the fact he actually paid for a private dance which annoyed me. I am considering calling things off, but not sure if I am over reacting and it is indeed something trivial?

OP posts:
DonaldStott · 19/03/2017 19:10

I know some people are fine with this kind of thing, but I think it is yuck and tacky as fuck. I could not respect a man who paid for a stranger to jiggle her tits in his face. I mean, it's all a bit, well, pathetic.

loveyoutothemoon · 19/03/2017 19:21

I wouldn't end a good relationship over it and I have pretty strict values and beliefs.

blonde91 · 19/03/2017 19:25

I wouldn't be comfortable with it myself.
And if he thinks there's nothing wrong with it now what's saying he won't do it again? Hopefully if you stayed with him and set the boundaries etc he wouldn't do it again but Confusedto guys going to a strip bar just got a night out very sleazy imo

Cricrichan · 19/03/2017 19:37

Yuck. Tell him that last weekend you did a strip tease in front of a male acquaintance. No touching, just a bit of fun - right?

Dh used to go to lapdancing clubs as part of business. I told him that I'd manager to do business for years without having to go and see anybody dancing naked and that if he went again, on stage dos or whatever, our relationship would immediately end. I find it wrong on many different levels - explotation of the girls and the effects on them, buying sex, buying women, and that's before even doing that when you're in a relationship.

Twingler · 19/03/2017 19:37

You're just not compatible, are you? I wouldn't have a relationship with a man that went into strip clubs at all, for many reasons. I struggle to look at men who do as anything other than seedy and pathetic. You can end a relationship for any reason you like. Fundamental differences like this are a pretty good one! You don't have to overlook things you don't like for the sake of having a relationship. I think it's likely this would crop up again in future and you can choose not to have to go through that now by moving on. Sorry you've found out he's not as great as you thought Flowers

gingertigercat · 19/03/2017 19:44

Ask if he'd have a problem coming home and finding a naked man rubbing his willy on you and then finding out you'd paid him to do this.

I can't imagine he'd be too happy.

jemimarose · 19/03/2017 20:16

My STBXH went to plenty. I hated it every single time, should have left him years ago. He thought I was uncool about this and his porn addiction and basically thought I was trying to control him. Upshot is you can never change a person. So if you don't like it get rid as he will not change. This has taken me twenty years and nine months of counselling to get my head round.

HelenaDove · 19/03/2017 20:29

Ask him if he would mind you doing it for a job should the need ever arise.

If hes not a misogynistic hypocrite who compartmentalises women he wont mind.

merville · 19/03/2017 20:31

Yeah what makes me laugh (dryly) is the no. of men who think women should accept it's 'nothing' - while if their partner did the reverse, it would most definitely not be 'nothing'.

thewooster · 19/03/2017 20:36

Yuck! He will do this again and tell you it's only a bit of fun and you are a killjoy. I could not be with a man who paid a woman to take her clothes off on a night out. Dump him before you get too involved.

Pacha11 · 19/03/2017 20:39

Today it's a stripper, tomorrow it will be a prostitute.

EmeraldScorn · 19/03/2017 20:40

Prostitution is the oldest "profession" in the world and there will always be those willing to buy it if it's on offer and the reality is that sex is worldwide currency.

I personally find it incredibly pathetic that some feel the need to pay for sexual gratification but in respect of the OP if it's something that you can't see yourself accepting then I think you should save yourself the heart break now - Imagine a couple of years down the line, you're pregnant with his child and you find out that he's been frequenting strip clubs for private dances again; You'd be truly disgusted and hurt!

I don't think you can change what makes a person "tick" sexually, if lap dancers interest him now then lap dancers will always be of interest to him (in my opinion).

I don't want my boyfriend getting pleasure from having a near naked girl paid to perform for him, much in the same way that I know he wouldn't be happy if some hot male escort was thrusting his penis in my face!

Trills · 19/03/2017 20:40

Even if it's not cheating, those of your who think it is "skanky" - would you still want to be with a man who wanted to do this?

I wouldn't.

It doesn't matter if he would think it was OK for me to do the same. I think it's gross.

Fruitcocktail6 · 19/03/2017 20:46

Yuck, the main thing for me is I would lose all respect for him as a man, and that doesn't bode well for a relationship. It's so gross and pathetic.

garlicandsapphire · 19/03/2017 20:48

I'd just think he wasn't my kind of man. Tacky, classless. Probably wouldn't get much further than that. (But then it turns out I'm pretty naive about men if my XH is anything to go by...)

P1nkP0ppy · 19/03/2017 20:48

Grubby sleazeball, I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole after that ☹️

angelcakerocks · 19/03/2017 21:00

You have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you as pp have said. It would be for me because I wouldn't want to be dealing with it in the future, particularly if having joint finances one day also.

PurplePen · 19/03/2017 21:05

it was a little complicated at the start due to ex-partners

I'm guessing the clues to his views on fidelity have been there from the beginning,

SleepingTiger · 19/03/2017 21:08

Personally I think there are better things to invest money and time in than debauched nights out.

Maybe put a £1,000 into a crowd funding venture to enable a young woman to start her own business, which might turn out to do something productive for us all and make money in the process.

Delphi2022 · 19/03/2017 21:12

It's a deal breaker for me! Good luck in your decision

AyeAmarok · 19/03/2017 21:13

Cheating or not, it's pretty scummy behaviour.

Not the sort of thing I'd like a partner of mine to be doing. I find it quite pathetic, desperate and sleazy for a grown man to pay for a private dance in a strip club. So I'd dump.

He's not the one for you (and that's a good thing).

pictish · 19/03/2017 21:15

"He said it very flippantly and in a light-hearted way."

He's tossing it out there all casual like, to see how you're going to react and whether or not you're likely to accept these little transgressions.

It wouldn't be for me.

AnyFucker · 19/03/2017 21:20

So, op

What are your thoughts now ?

SeriousSteve · 19/03/2017 21:25

Not Ok in my book. However, he did tell you himself and quite soon afterwards. It's a tricky one.

liger · 19/03/2017 21:27

Imagine if he had come to you and explained that his night out with his mates hadnt quite gone to plan. His friends had all decided to go to a strip club and he had been put in a tough position of choosing between his friends and his morals. In the end he had decided to go home early because he felt uncomfortable with the thought of paying a woman to perform for him and his mates.

If that scenario had been real how attractive / unattractive would you have found your new boyfriend? Would you be questioning the relationship?

Not all men get a kick from strip clubs. It would be insulting to them to all be tarred with that brush. It's not something you should have to put up with in a relationship.