New partner got a private dance in a strip club?

[Anonymous2121]

I have been seeing a man for around 5 months now, so the relationship is still fairly new. We get on really well, great sex, it was a little complicated at the start due to ex-partners but things have been going great.

We went out on Friday evening and he admitted that the weekend before he had gone to a strip club with his friends and he had paid for a private dance. He said it very flippantly and in a light-hearted way. I had a problem with this as we had talked previously about being exclusive with one another and I see paying for a private strip dance as cheating. He argued that it was just a bit of fun with his mates, you can't even touch the women and he had been drinking.

We hadn't discussed relationship/cheating boundaries prior to this but it is pretty obvious in my mind that this is some form of cheating? I would have no problem if it was a group activity/part of a group stag do, but it's the fact he actually paid for a private dance which annoyed me. I am considering calling things off, but not sure if I am over reacting and it is indeed something trivial?

Deal breaker for me

It really isnt cheating imo so the question is whether or not you find it acceptable behaviour at all. If you dont like the idea of a partner doing this in a relationship, you can either leave or tell them never to do it again. If you dont like the idea of a person ever doing it, then its probably a good time to end the relationship.

Having been to a male stripper party where things got very hands on, as it were , I am in no real position to comment on the negative aspects of stripping.

Strip club would be enough for me to dump him. Issues like this early in a relationship would see me running like the wind.

Deal breaker for me - private sessions have to be booked (at the time) and they last 10/15mins. How do you feel about him arranging it, and then sitting there for that time?

Also precisely why would he do this when you've only been together a few months and are already having a good time?

If the boot was on the other foot I can't believe he'd be comfortable/feel secure enough with you seeing a stripper privately.

Nice that he told you but doesn't bode well

Ie I don't think it's cheating - I also don't think looking at porn is - but in both cases it's not very flattering for you, and if this is him at the best of times what will it be like when this becomes a longer term thing and you really need to depend on him. Will he always need entertainment?

"Not very flattering for you" ?

This is no reflection on op at all. The only person it shows in a poor light is the bloke that pays to see women's genitals.

It's not cheating. But who would want to be with a man who thinks of women as something that can be bought?

If he did this with a random he met in a nightclub would people really say that he wasn't cheating? Or if you would consider that to be cheating then why is it different if money changes hands?

It's not cheating, but it's not something I would put up with either. This is a very new relationship - scarper now before you get too attached. You can do better.

What pictish , sandy , and angelcake said.
The casual manner of the comment would have me believe that he has been here before- meaning telling a gf of his extracurricular activities, perhaps to get a reaction. He may dump you if you are not the "cool gf" here.

I would wonder what else he was up to; this may just be the tip of the ice berg. He may want you to accept a little bit, then the next thing will be a little bit beyond that and if you accepted the first thing then any reasonable person wouldn't mind this little bit more, etc etc. It may be a process to desensitize you to the sleazy side of his nature.

Perhaps you need to get a STI check?

Another possibility may be that he told you to get a reaction- to just perhaps see you kick off with being offended (rightly so imho) to which he could have a good laugh. That would be a whole anex building full of red flags: to frustrate or anger you for his entertainment.

What I have suggested may be a bit ott, but you really don't know him that well, so that one comment could be the start of any number of trajectories (none good). Avoid emotional attachment for an extended period until you find out. Or why have to keep your guard up? There is an obvious clue that the relationship probably isn't going to be a keeper. Don't waste your time.

Your, hopefully by now ex, 'D'P has no respect for women or you. I would have dumped his arse there and then after that seedy revelation. I don't know how you can look at him without your skin crawling.

The fact that he paid to lust after another woman (while she probably felt nothing but repulsion for yet another sad punter) would kill anything for me. It's all so skanky

I like your style Jess.

noname

My DH is 67. When he was going out drinking as a young man it was the late 1960s early 1970s. (he married his first wife in 1974.

I dont know about anywhere else but in this town back then it would have been seen as sad and pathetic by their mates if a bloke had paid for a stripper. The reaction would have been. "Cant you get a woman without having to pay for one" And this wouldnt have been just friendly "banter" either The bloke would have been seen as a real loser.

15/16 years ago i was working in a sex chatline office. While there i lost an incredible amount of weight but far too quickly and ended up with gallstones.

I had a gallstone attack (one of many) while on a call. The caller could not have cared less and expected me to carry on through the pain. Anyone who has had gallstones will know that this is impossible. All you can do is writhe around in agony. I got to the point where i was screaming in pain. He called the switchboard afterwards, "i dont think your girl is very well" No shit Sherlock.

These "men" dont see women as people. They see them as a commodity and commodities dont get ill.

Unfortunately guys, it seems op has decided to disappear!

I presume you've all told her she should leave him & has decided not to (her decision) & thought it best not to reply.

Ask him how he would feel if you were to give another man a naked lap dance for money. I bet he'd conveniently class that as cheating hmm

Those who don't consider it cheating, would you think the same if he did this with a random woman he'd met rather than a lapdancer?

Anyway, it's sleazy and disrespectful and he is sounding you out casually to find out what you'll tolerate because he doesn't want to stay in the relationship unless he gets to do whatever the hell he likes, including sleazing around with other women.

You said that you hadn't discussed this sort of thing beforehand. I don't think you should end it just for that, he didn't know that this was a no go area for you. I think it speaks volumes that he told you, he could of kept it from you and you'd be none the wiser.

If they had discussed it, he likely would have kept it from her. But done it just the same.

I do not believe that men change. They just don't, most of the time. It is wiser to assume they will not change.

Therefore, what one must do when starting a relationship is not telling a man where the boundaries are, but finding out what kind of person he is.
Because he will stay that kind of person. Regardless of what you say.

I don't just want to date a man who "won't go to a strip club if I tell him not to"

I want to date a man who "doesn't want to go to one anyway"

Therefore whether we had discussed it before is irrelevant.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who thought of women as commodities to be bought and sold.

Ask him if he minds if a naked man you don't know writhes around on you at a party for 10 minutes. I don't mind if my husband goes in a strip club for a stag do, but they don't have to get a private dance.

Yep. The "discussing it beforehand" thing is a red herring.

Any man that thinks this is ok has no place in my life. That's it.

Take the exchange of money out of the equation and it's clear that this is cheating and he's not the sort of man you want to settle down with. If you partner slept with a woman he picked up in a club it would be cheating. If he slept with a prostitute he picked up in a club it would be cheating. If he got a sexy lap dance off a random woman he picked up in a club it would be cheating. If he goes to a strip club and gets a private lap dance it's cheating. Whether money is exchanged or not is irrelevant. The end result is the same...he was intimate with a woman. I could never be with a man who frequented strip clubs anyway as it is sleazy and demonstrates a huge lack of respect to women and how he views them, but a private dance would be the kiss of death to any relationship to me.

I can imagine circumstances where my relationship might survive a one night stand. I cannot imagine circumstances where it would survive the commodification of a woman.

Are you saying that women can't get sexual pleasure from one night stands?