Can I ask what you would do?

[sharksscareme]

If you discovered your husband had been sending stupid texts? Not explicit at all, but definitely flirty, to a teenage girl. He claims she was low in confidence and he was just trying to cheer her up.

If he hasn't even told you where the work experience came from he's hardly going for full disclosure and total and utter truth.

Proud to be on the same wavelength again. Absofuckinglutely.

If it is marriage guidance you want OP - then I'd recommend looking at it like this:

If your husband is ok with telling the school or college that she is actually at, that he gave her lifts and told her she is fit and is that ok with them, and if they don't hit the fucking roof and report it as a safeguarding issue then crack on.

If he won't then it is showing you that he knows it was wrong and that it isn't a 'confidence booster'.

If he did, which he won't, and the school/college did hit the roof, it might give you some insight into why this is so totally fucking wrong.

Responsibilities of a Director:
Other legal duties
5.1
You must comply with employment law in dealings with employees.

You (personally) can be sued for unfair dismissal, discrimination or unfair work practices, such as unequal pay.

Act quickly to ensure the company complies with any new employment laws.

5.2
You must take reasonable care to ensure the health and safety of your employees.

You can be prosecuted for dangerous practices started or continued with your consent, or illness or accidents attributable to your negligence.

You must undertake a risk assessment. If you have five or more employees, you must record this in writing and have a written health and safety policy.

A work placement has to come from or be connected with

A school
A college or university
A training provider
Or one of the third sector organisations that administer programmes such as steps to work, CFS programmes, esf funded programmes.

And that work placement will have a contract between the parties as to what is expected.

Administering work placements is my job. Insurance requirements alone means there has to be inspections and agreements signed for a work placement. Because it's not covered under a contract of employment, but they aren't a member of the public, insurance wise. There has to be risk assessments and firms signed x a million.

That is wildly inappropriate on many levels, personally and professionally. What's your gut telling you, OP?

*forms

And there's a conduct agreement between company and us and the student. A three way contract for work placement

One I missed.

She might be at a university. But placement years are normally the third year of a course, and even if she started uni at 17 she would be 19 by the time she was on placement.

I am a director of a company, and have worked with young people for the last decade - our staff don't even give lifts to young people, nor would we even get the same tram as them home [we would get off and wait for the next one if one of our young people got on the same one on a home bound journey] to protect ourselves as much as to protect them.

We have a Professional Boundaries policy which is part and parcel of working with vulnerable young people.

Ignoring the consent issue I would like to offer my experience. I discovered my partner had sent texts to a woman which included a comment about her boobs. He has had contact with her only at work 3 or 4 times when she went in as a customer and nothing physical happened.
Have to be honest though it caused major trouble in a very new marriage. We have dealt with it, we are still together because ultimately he was able to demonstrate to me how sorry he was.
But, if I think about it I want to kill him still. I veer between blaming her and realising that is ridiculous as he is my partner. It will always be there and I feel it has spoilt our so far great relationship. I will always be alert because he knows damn well what my terms now are. And I find that really sad. He spoilt it.

It's up to you, sounds like he was the instigator as was my partner which is horrible to think about. Your partner was also very persistent. He would have got physical I think if offered it on a plate.
What do you think? It makes me feel sick to think about what happened even now, so it's not easy either way.
Good luck xxx

Ok OP, leaving aside her age and the fact that she was there on a work experience placement, this would still be a deal-breaker for me. He was giving her lifts, texting inappropriately and working in close proximity to her. You only found out because someone else told you. In my opinion, this could only have escalated. There does seem to have been (a lot of) intent on his part. And I just couldn't get over that so my advice on that alone would be to separate. I personally couldn't get past it, it would eat away at me.

When you DO factor in her age and the whole work experience circumstances it adds a whole other level of appallingness! I know you're clearly upset over all this, but deep down you must know just how wrong this is. My husband is 45, there is no way in a million years I could imagine him doing something like that. But I know for certain that if he did, he'd be out on his arse immediately.

I'm so sorry for you OP, he's a sleezebag. It's NOT your fault, nobody is blaming you (but you are minimising) it's 200% his fault and you need to decide if you can continue in a relationship with him. I couldn't.

@Annesmyth123 leave the OP alone. You're going way overboard now and verging on looking like a bully.

I think as Beelzebop mentions in her post, it's quite a hard thing to forgive. Do you still want to be getting upset about it years from now? Do you feel you will be able to trust him again? How would he be able to show you that he could?

Take some time and think about it, OP. It might be an idea to ask him to move out for a bit or could you go away for a holiday and have a think?

You need some time and space from it, I think.

Personally, I would find this a very hard thing to forgive. Counselling for you both might be something to consider too.

He has made a massive error of judgement here and I think you need to take some time to think and feel your way through it.

My daughter is nineteen, my friends son 17. I'm trying to imagine me telling him he looked fit and he was hot. I can't, because the idea makes my blood run cold, it makes me cringe inside, it's just wrong on so many levels. I can't even imagine thinking those things about him. I'm forty seven.

So five issues , first off he was flirting with another female.
Secondly, he was flirting with a seventeen year old female. The age here is a major issue.
Thirdly, it was a seventeen year old he employed. He chose her.
Fourthly, he apparently thinks the way to cheer up and build up the confidence of a seventeen year old girl under his employ is to tell her she's hot.
Lastly. It's a fairly good bet she didn't want this sort of sexual attention from him and that's why the mother has stepped in.

I'd also suspect deeply there is more going on, I think he probably tried it on and that's what's caused the escalation.

Sharks are you still reading? FWIW, he's a fool and could've got into serious trouble, but aside from that...how do YOU actually feel? Do you love him and feel able to forgive and move on? Or are you horrified and not seeing him in the same light anymore?

Sending immature non-explicit texts is not the same - IMO - as genuine intent, regardless of how old she is or how he met her (let's just park that for now). People do stupid, foolish, dangerous and underhand shit all the time. If you take the predominantly emotive aspect out of it for a moment - say, she was a 30 year old woman with low self-esteem - how would you feel then?

Maybe that will help, putting the age/grooming/position of trust elements to one side. They are important, of course, but I think to work out your next move you need to establish how you feel about the betrayal, not the other stuff yet. One step at a time.

OP...let's just forget her young age for a minute here. I think it's important but it's derailing the thread from the point that your husband was happily flirting with someone other than you.

If my husband was texting another woman that sort of thing I would be fuming, hurt and I would lose my trust and respect for him. We all find other people attractive but there are lines that we just don't cross. I wouldn't say anything/text anything to someone that I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband knowing. It's easy to say I would ask him to leave as it's not actually happening to me, however, I do know it would change how I see him and I don't know that I could live with that. Her being so young just makes it worse

sharksscareme
I think he was very stupid. He made a mistake. You are the one who knows him and knows whether this is out of character. It seems he was flattered and had his head turned by a young girl showing interest in him,and for all those saying a 17 year old wouldn't show interest in an older man that's utter rubbish: more experienced,more money,more willing to listen than a boy of a similar age. That alone has it's attractions to a young girl. For me,it's not something you end a marriage over. If he didn't see how wrong it was,how it must never happen again,irrespective of the age of the other person then yes,I'd be kicking him out. But we all make mistakes,and sometimes the adult thing is to find out why it happened,put that right and move on.
I know you'll be feeling awful,but you can move on from this as a couple. Hugs :)

This still does not excuses what he has done; he has completely abused his position of trust and authority here as her employer by acting like this.

Where was his professionalism here not just to say boundaries? He did not have to act on his impulses; no-one forced him to send such messages to her. Trying to cheer her up indeed. No-one should be subjected to such unwanted attention and harassment.

You have had relationship advice, buckets of it. He's a sleaze, you can't trust him, LTB

I think that about covers it

Thanks for the helpful comments. I wanted to work out what to do next but I can't because you're all blaming ME. Ironic

We're not blaming you, we're pointing out your husband isn't a nice guy which is probably hard to accept and has come as a shock.

You asked opinions and it was pretty unanimously horror at the fact this situation has arisen but LTB. You said you don't want to break up your marriage over it so you have made the decision to stick through it which is fair enough and your decision to make. I'm sure you're asking yourself why he needed the attention but that would be blaming yourself which you absolutely shouldn't be doing. I'm not sure what other advice you were expecting though.

Op only you can decide whether you want to stay with him. I don't think i personally would and that's not taking anyone's age into account.

Mumsnet is very quick to jump to conclusions. And i think the general reaction has been completely over the top and mostly based on information we do not have.

Regardless of this girl. Can you trust him? Talk to him. I think that's the only way you'll get to the bottom of it. Find out all the information before you make any decisions x

OP - in answer to your title question I would leave him. In the scenario you've described, even if the recipient of the texts and lifts was a 32yo. He's not disclosed anything, and you have no idea how it might have progressed and escalated beyond this limited info you have. The fact that she's only 17 would make my skin crawl and kill any romantic feelings I may have still had. He's done this, not you, but I don't see how your marriage can continue.

You've had very sound marital advice.

I'm heartened to see the vast majority of women would not stay married to such a sleaze bag as your husband. He is utterly vile. He's shown you his true disgusting colours. So now that a whole bunch of people are telling you to leave him, will you do so?

Something tells me no, you'll minimise it and carry on. You obviously don't like what you're hearing here.

No-one should be subjected to such unwanted attention and harassment

So unwanted that she sent pictures of her in outfits?? Mm.

What are you going to do OP?

(Other)Phoenix - did she send the photos unsolicited or did he ask, and she felt she should send them due to his position of power over her?

You're right there's a lot we don't know about this individual case but for most people - given the age/environment here - the assumption is not that the contact is wanted/solicited. Not with a child on work experience.