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Original poster

Can I ask what you would do?

374 replies

sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 09:36

If you discovered your husband had been sending stupid texts? Not explicit at all, but definitely flirty, to a teenage girl. He claims she was low in confidence and he was just trying to cheer her up.

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:58

My advice is kick him out. I've said that. He's a sleazy creep who you will never be able to trust again.

Littleballerina · 19/03/2017 10:59

No one is blaming you op. Your husband is the only one in the wrong.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2017 10:59

My work would get him on the bringing the organisation into disrepute clause in the handbook.

Goforit2017 · 19/03/2017 10:59

Someone is in charge of the work experience placement - school, college whatever. He should be reported to them.

In the work experience placements at my school (yes some 16-19 years old) students get regular visits and we are told to speak to students alone so they get the opportunity to raise any concerns for exact cases like this where it is awkward for the young person to tackle themselves. The records of visits are given to managers and obviously where there is a concern it has to be reported immediately for safeguarding purposes.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/03/2017 10:59

There's a lot of assuming on this thread.

You don't know that she actively showed her mother. You don't know what her response was to his texts. You don't know whether she initiated the texts in the first place bit the whole of mumsnet' assumes that this man is going to be placed on a register.

Kikikaakaa · 19/03/2017 10:59

If mother isn't bothered why was she telling you? Because he's married?

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 11:01

FFS it's his company, can we PLEASE stop rejoicing in him getting sacked/locked up/castrated?

It doesn't MATTER, what matters is my relationship. This is honestly SO frustrating.

It doesn't MATTER whether it's technically legal, whether he ends up sacked, I didn't post to ask advice about that. Please, just leave it. Massive mistake posting here.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/03/2017 11:01

first place bit the whole of mumsnet' assumes that this man is going to be placed on a register

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 11:01

Yes Kik.

OP posts:
StandAndBeCounted · 19/03/2017 11:01

Anne. You are a little bit like a dog with a bone here. The OP has made it clear your comments aren't helping. Which is what she came here for. So couldn't you just, you know, leave it now?

OP. You want help working out your next move. And you asked what we would do. Honestly, if it were me I would have to end it. I know thats easier said than done, but I would start getting my ducks in a row. I wouldn't ever be able to trust him after this and it would change the whole way I viewed him as a person, which for me would mean it was over

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 11:01

If the mother didn't care, she wouldn't have told you.

HmmOkay · 19/03/2017 11:02

"Mother seems remarkably unconcerned"

So erm, why did she go to the bother of contacting you? To tell you about her lack of concern?

MrsEvadneCake · 19/03/2017 11:02

His company. Wow. Huge abuse of power there.

PhoenixJasmine · 19/03/2017 11:02

Gross misconduct is improper or unacceptable behaviour in the workplace. This would be unacceptable in all workplaces that I have worked in. Phoenixrabbit I understand how hearing everyone say that an older man behaving like this with a 17 year old is inappropriate when you were the 17 year old.

JK1773 · 19/03/2017 11:02

Oh dear OP. What a nightmare. I do, for what it's worth, think my employers would take a very dim view of that.

As for the marriage, that's tough. He has been massively inappropriate. Was he trying to flatter his own ego? Why did he feel the need to do this? I think for me it would be a deal breaker, definitely. I think the trust would be gone and I'd be suspicious of everything he did moving forward. I wouldn't be able to live like that (and I have tried it before). I'm not a naturally suspicious person and it was exhausting tbh. I can see why you might give him the benefit of the doubt but I wouldn't personally

greeeen · 19/03/2017 11:03

You don't know where the placement came from but you do know it's not a school or college? How if you don't know??

Anyway, I agree it probably isn't a police matter. I would hope that it would result in heavy disciplinary action from your DHs work, although no doubt it will go unreported. I would never be able to respect a man who behaved in this way, it is utterly repulsive.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 11:04

Does he own the company? In that case, he's lucky, because he won't be getting sacked.

how are you going to be able to trust him again? What can you do? You can't police him every minute of the day and there will be other teenaged girls around for the rest of his life.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2017 11:04

FFS it's his company,

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 19/03/2017 11:04

I feel for you, what an awful shock and in no way is this your fault. I'm sorry this has happened but I'd leave him. In no way is his behavior ok. I was groomed by someone in authority (was younger than this girl but not by much) and this does scream grooming to me. Grooming doesn't start off with physical abuse, it starts with very careful building up of the relationship and trust, flattery etc. Age of consent or not he was in a position of power and she is a child. I'm really sorry but he is not to be trusted and I'd not have him around me or my children. I'd also be speaking to his company and the police for their advice.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 11:06

If he hasn't even told you where the work experience came from he's hardly going for full disclosure and total and utter truth.

ohdoadoodoo · 19/03/2017 11:07

It almost makes it more sleazy the fact that it's his own company.

Kikikaakaa · 19/03/2017 11:07

I think it is worth finding out from the mother whether she intends to do anything else with the information, the impact sacking or suspension at least could have on you and DC.
You say nothing will happen with this respect.
So now it's down to what do you do?

Your DH has taken a huge risk here with all of your finances and marriage - he could not know or have known that the mother wouldn't cause merry hell, or that someone wouldn't report him to trigger an investigation, so he's taken a huge risk hasn't he? Dressing it up as confidence building is not being totally honest with your either. As an adult man he KNOWS the difference between building up a colleagues confidence (with compliments about their work ability) vs flattering a hot teenager. He knows. He's just hoping you may possibly believe him even slightly, and that slight belief that he's some daft, soft silly mentor who got it wrong will be the card he wants to play.
You give no other history of him, whether he's respectful or has quite the roving eye and a teen porn habit

category12 · 19/03/2017 11:09

That it's his company makes it worse, he's totally abusing the power and age differential by behaving like this. You may not care about that, but it speaks volumes about his overall character.

I would not be able to stay with him, as he not has no respect for you and your marriage, but is capable of extremely inappropriate behaviour towards a young woman he should be supporting in a purely professional way.

PhoenixJasmine · 19/03/2017 11:10

Plenty of people have offered advice about your relationship OP, that they would seriously considering ending the marriage because this was unacceptable because of all the reasons discussed that it is potentially illegal/a sackable offence. The relationship and his behaviour aren't 2 separate things. You haven't responded to anything about the relationship, only to defend/minimise/explain that it's not a crime, he won't lose his job, etc.

And in someone's defence I did mention sex offenders register, because I'd be worried that if he had committed an offence of sexual activity with a child under 18 in a position of trust that it could happen. And as we explained, physical contact over clothing could constitute sexual activity in some circumstances. I can easily see that happening when giving a lift home to someone you're flirting with - the hand on the knee thing.

joannegrady90 · 19/03/2017 11:14

Right OP I do think a few comments have been harsh, especially regarding the police losing his job etc.

BUT is this really the man you want to spend your life with?

He sounds like a loser...