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Original poster

Can I ask what you would do?

374 replies

sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 09:36

If you discovered your husband had been sending stupid texts? Not explicit at all, but definitely flirty, to a teenage girl. He claims she was low in confidence and he was just trying to cheer her up.

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 19/03/2017 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:46

If this happened in my work, he would be sacked. There would be an investigation and he would be suspended on full pay til that was completed, and then he would be sacked.

That investigation would not take place until the conclusion of any police investigation, so he might be suspended for a good few months.

The college/school/training provider would also have to undertake their own investigation and tighten up on their safeguarding procedures.

What type of work experience was it?

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 10:47

Ok, I should have left this thread ages ago. But before I do:

It's not the girls fault. I've said that three times now.

The girl is 17. She is not at school or college. I don't know where the work placement came from.

It's not a criminal offence to text someone over the age of consent.

It's morally reprehensible but not a police matter.

Thanks for the helpful comments. I wanted to work out what to do next but I can't because you're all blaming ME. Ironic.

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 19/03/2017 10:48

I have students have crushes on me, it's normal if you are a teacher and they are young (above 18 in my case but still). I don't give those students lifts anywhere, I don't get their phone numbers and I don't flirt with them or call them 'hot'.

You seem to be acting as if the lift situation was normal, and then it all just spun a bit out of control- actually the opposite is true, no-one HAS to give a lift to someone else, your husband did that on purpose so he could be alone with a 17 year old and let the crush play out in a nice secret fun flirtatious way. Who here gives lifts every day to their work experience students? No-one. It's a manufactured situation he deliberately created, it wasn't just the content of the texts that is off in this situation.

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 10:48

Anne it's NOT your workplace. It's nothing to do with you. Can you understand that? Not. Your. Problem.

OP posts:
phoenixtherabbit · 19/03/2017 10:48

Why would you be sacked for gross misconduct? Unless it's in your contract that you cannot flirt with someone over the age of consent I'm not sure why you'd get sacked.

As inappropriate and unnaceptable it is, it's not illegal, it's not necessarily grooming and I'm not even sure it's a stackable offence!

And yes like i said some 17 year olds are vulnerable but some most certainly are not.

Like i said i was one once and i definitely was NOT GROOMED. just because someone is 17 doesn't mean the older person in the situation is the only one who wants to be in the situation.

PurpleDaisies · 19/03/2017 10:49

Thanks for the helpful comments. I wanted to work out what to do next but I can't because you're all blaming ME. Ironic.

Where are the posts blaming you? Confused

You're taking people's criticism of your husband's behaviour as a slight upon you. That's not the case.

Houseofmirth66 · 19/03/2017 10:49

It's ridiculous to suggest that every inappropriate text inevitably ends with sex. Laughable. The naivety of some posters here and the faux outrage is classic MN.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:50

He not you needs to find out where the work placement came from and read careful the terms and conditions.

Has the girls mother gone to his hr dept yet? Because that will be a career killer for him if she does. If she doesn't he's lucky. I would.

He has done this. The responsibility for this lies totally at his door. But your responsibility begins with how you react.

The choice is yours but if you allow him to stay you know he is going to do this again.

Kikikaakaa · 19/03/2017 10:50

I just asked about the mother, is she about to unleash hell on your DH? She could cause a lot more problems this might not be 'the end' of it

notanurse2017 · 19/03/2017 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2017 10:51

If this happened in my work, he would be sacked. There would be an investigation and he would be suspended on full pay til that was completed, and then he would be sacked.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 19/03/2017 10:52

If it wasn't a work experience I guess it was just the office junior. My comments still stand. He deliberately gave her lifts and exchanged phone numbers and sent each other text/pictures so this could happen away from prying eyes. Yours and her mums.

I could understand my husband getting interested in another colleague just about, but not a 17 year old girl. I have a 13 year old though so that's waaaay too close for comfort and if in four years time my dd went to work at a company and the forty year old boss took this type of interest in her, I'd be going ballistic.

Not criminal, though, as you say- they could still run off together into the sunset (if the pesky mum hadn't put a stop to it all).

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 10:52

Mother seems remarkably unconcerned. Repeat, not a police matter, no criminal offence. As I am repeating myself saying that I could be working out what my next moves are but no matter.

OP posts:
phoenixtherabbit · 19/03/2017 10:52

Can someone explain to me why this would be gross misconduct?

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:53

www.bath.ac.uk/internal/placements/documents/placement-agreement.docx

That's a sample from bath uni. The placement organisation agree to "Adhere at all times to all non-discrimination legislation and all other appropriate regulations and ensure that the Student is at all times treated with dignity and respect "

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2017 10:54

Why would you be sacked for gross misconduct?

phoenixtherabbit · 19/03/2017 10:55

And as a mother i wouldn't be instantly raging at some random bloke who fancied my daughter id be wanting to know whether the feeling was mutual. Obviously I'd be fuming if it was unwanted attention but has anyone considered that this girl might WANT the attention from this man? Is that still grooming?

Yes he would be unwise to respond to her advances but nobody seems to be considering that it could be her that initiated it

phoenixtherabbit · 19/03/2017 10:55

But none of you have any idea whether the attention is unwanted?

So if it's wanted it's not sexual harassment is it?

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:56

Bluntness my work would also categorise it at gross misconduct.

Your DH needs to check his staff handbook op.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 10:57

My work would get him on the bringing the organisation into disrepute clause in the handbook.

Original poster
sharksscareme · 19/03/2017 10:57

Ok it's relationship advice I wanted lol why am I even trying? That's not going to happen is it?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/03/2017 10:58

Obviously I'd be fuming if it was unwanted attention but has anyone considered that this girl might WANT the attention from this man

MrsEvadneCake · 19/03/2017 10:58

OP you've asked what people would do. You've had replies in the majority saying we would not accept this behaviour and would find it a deal breaker for the marriage.

No one has blamed you.

Now what do you want to do....

Bury your head and move on. Fine.
Address the disrespectful attitude of your husband towards you. Fine.

No one is going to brush this off as a harmless flirtation where your husband was led on and encouraged by a 17 year old which is what I think you are hoping for.

category12 · 19/03/2017 10:58

The placement stuff came from your second post on the thread where you said she was doing work experience, OP.

I think he is lucky if the girl does not feel he is over-stepping, she could easily have found it harassment.

As for you, what now? DH behaving like a horny fool and potentially putting his job at risk over a girl young enough to be his daughter. I am embarrassed for him and you. Personally I wouldn't want to look at him.