Dating a man who is seeing someone else

[magdaboom]

Hi all, I need some healthy perspective on a situation that is starting to bother me quite a bit. Long post, I am afraid.

I have been seeing this man for a month or so. I am nearly 28 and he is 45, so there is a significant age gap there. We are both single and no DC. We met at work, althought we don't work together directly.

We hit off really well and things have progressed quite quickly. We usually meet 2/3 times a week, we have dinner, I sleep at his, then we go out for a walk and breakfast the next day. All very lovely.

I got out of a LTR 6 months ago and I was not looking for another relationship, so at first I thought this was only going to be a casual thing.

He has been very vocal about his feelings for me, recently told me he is falling for me, that I am different from other women and blablabla. I don't know if I trust his words, although it is obviously nice to hear them. I am a lot more cautious about expressing my feelings so I don't really say much in comparison.

Last week he dropped in while I was having a drink with 3 friends and took us all for an impromptu dinner which he paid for. I was quite impressed as it was the first time he met any of my friends (I met some of his friends already) and he acted quite "boyfriend-like". It feels like things are heading towards relationship territory.

Now here's the problem: he has also been seeing this 21 years old woman for a couple of months. Apparently she is a virgin for religious reasons and they don't have sex, they go on dates and I guess they kiss/ maybe do foreplay. From how he talks about her it sounds like a casual thing, but then who knows?

He was always very open about it since the beginning, so it is not like he deceived me. At first I genuinely did not care, as I thought it was going to remain a casual thing between us.

But now I am starting to be bothered by the idea that he is seeing this woman. I also can't understand the nature of that situation, something sounds off to me.

At the same time it is such an early stage of dating that I feel it would be wrong to express these feelings. We are not dating exclusively and I am ok with that. I actually would not mind if he was dating around, but the idea of him consistently having some sort of a relationship with another woman is somewhat annoying me. I haven't been on dates since I started seeing him, but I am going on a date this coming week, partially to see if that makes me feel different about the whole situation.

I am considering to take some distance from this man as a result of the fact that he is seeing this woman. I feel like if I keep getting more involved, it will only get worse and I will potentially end up being hurt.

What do you all think? Should I end things now? Or am I overthinking this?

I'm presuming this middle aged bloke is wealthy to be attracting two young women.My take on this, is that the younger women is marriage material and her appeal is that she's a virgin. You are his current ego boast.Get rid of him, I'd be mortified if my young daughter was tolerating some middle aged slime ball.

I agree, Husky. I'm 46. I see 21-year-olds are potential sons-in-law, not dating material. Ewww.

I'm 48. I have a 21year old and a 20 year old
The idea of dating one of their mates gives me the boak. The idea of DD getting skeeved over by one of DHs mates makes me murderous.

Husky oh God I would never consider him marriage material, even without the 21 yo thing. I would see him for a little longer if that issue did not exist, but there is no way I would ever consider him for a long term thing

"You're not like other women" - any man who says this is a sexist bullshitter.

He doesn't want a relationship and neither do you it seems, but he is using all the fake intimacy to keep you hooked into the arrangement.

Dump.

UPDATE

So I talked to the man on Monday and told him I don't want to see him again until he is single (aka stops seeing the 21 yo). I also told him he is a sleazebag and to get his shit together. He said I had the right to feel that way, that he should have ended things with her a long time ago regardless of the fact that he was dating me, that he will talk to her soon. He also said that he has strong feelings for me, that he thinks this couls get serious and blablabla.

Not sure I believe him. I don't trust him and I am fully aware of the fact that I would not have a way to verify he is not seeing her any longer if it came down to that. He could technically just lie to me and carry on as he wishes.

At the moment I am not seeing him anymore and we are not on touch. I think it might be over, and I am okay with it.

"He thinks this could get serious"

Utter bullshitter. Laughably so.

So if you could be sure he was only seeing you, you'd be happy to keep seeing him?

Ps: I agree with all the posters saying that "you're different to other women" is a red flag. It's basically saying "I have a low opinion of women in general. You should feel flattered that I'm not lumping you in with those other stupid, shallow, selfish women for the moment and therefore you should work extra hard to retain my good opinion. If you disagree with me/call me on my bs /make demands/are less than 100% happy with whatever I decide to give you, I might just decide that you are just a boring, disappointing woman like all the rest, and wouldn't that be a shame?"

"He thinks this could get serious"
but
He knows it won't.

Well done on telling him he is a sleezebag. I doubt he will be back after that too. Back slowly away, do not make eye contact.

But it took you asking him for him to dump the 21 year old. Even taking age out of the equation, nobody should have to ask their would-be partner to dump someone else first. It speaks volumes in terms of how he feels about you .

You've done the right thing, now move on and forget him.

He's a lying toad.

What sort of 'fun' can a 45 year old man be having with a 21 year old if they aren't having sex?

Clubbing? Going to see bands? Hosting pop-up rap shows?

I mean, really? Unless he's deeply into long political dissertations and rambling soliliquies about the nature of life - what the hell do they have to talk about?

Qualification - 21 year old daughter. She's an absolute darling, but can't honestly see anyone her age having anything to offer a middle aged man (apart from the obvious...)

He sounds a knob

Zhapod I absolutely agree with you and I am baffled too.

From what I could understand, I think there might be a ego-stroking thing going on where she looks up to him as a "mentor" (he is very successful professionally and she is trying to start a career) and he probably "pampers" her with nice dinners and stuff like that?

Still weird as hell.

young and a virgin for religious reasons

Right then.

Not too much to be concerned about,

Why on earth do you want to date a much older sleaze who goes after 21 year olds?!

As well as that massive red flag that he's a twat, which you're minimising, there's all the "love bombing" bullshit, likely lies about his sex life, and paying for your friends' dinner (showy and wanky IMO).

Saying you're "different from other women" simply suggests a lack of respect for women.

I'd just text him to say you didn't want anything serious and you don't want someone falling for you especially someone who could be your dad Play the player.

Yes, you didn't actually dump him but essentially told him that you would date him exclusively. Nice ego trip for him.

He doesn't need to "get his shit together": what does that mean? Suddenly stop being a sleazy sexist?

His actions clearly indicate he's bad news, single or not!

You know about her, but does she know about you?

Don't waste your time, surely there's other options for you.

Yeh the "you're different from other women" is code for I dont like women

Run for the hills

You have had some sage advice here off the other posters. How do you know the 21 year old 'virgin' isn't one of his many weekly conquests...does he look knackered! He can never be trusted as a long term partner prospect as you will always be wondering if he is thinking about trading the soon-to-be 30 year old model in for something younger and less wise to his ways...if he is paying, there will always be potential suitors sniffing around looking to empty his wallet. You are young, lots of single men out there...get yourself checked out with the doctor as you never know who he has slept with in the past!

I ended things with the guy.

As I mentioned in a previous message, he had a jealous fit when he found out I had been on a date with someone else. At that point I lost it and told him that I was not comfortable dating a man who had a girlfriend. I told him I did not want to see him again until he was single.

He said that I was right, that he had to end things with her, that the relationship with her was never going to go anywhere, that it was fair that I felt that way. I stupidly believed him and I thought that probably we were not going to see each other for a few days but that ultimately he was going to break up with her quickly. From what he said it sounded like ending it with the other girl was just going to be a formality. How wrong I was.

Well, he left for a work trip a couple of days later and he disappeared. No contact whatsoever, fell off the face of the Earth. I did some digging and I found her (the "other woman"s) social media profile, where I found loads of pictures she took at his place. I realized that she was an actual girlfriend who spent a lot of time at his place, not just a random woman he saw every once in a while.

I even realized she was staying at his place to watch after his pet while he was gone for work (for 10 days!). That meant she had the keys to his place. Essentially I had been the OW for the whole time, without realizing. He was cheating on the 21 yo girlfriend with me.

I felt hurt, stupid, naive, embarrassed of myself for not understanding what was going on more quickly. I also feel sorry for the girlfriend who clearly had no idea of what was going on. She probably thinks that they are in a wonderful relationship.

I cut all contacts with him and when I see him at work I completely ignore his presence. I hope he will never ever get back in touch with me because I am not 100% sure I'd have the strength to do the right thing - ignoring him or telling him to fuck off.

So everyone who posted on this thread was right, and I was wrong. I should have steered clear. I was a fool

Sorry the first part of the message was accidentally deleted. I just wanted to follow up with the end my story and hopefully warn other women who might find themselves in a similar situation. That is why I am posting this!

Have you thought that he may be fulfilling his sexual needs with you until the virgin 'gives in'? If she is even a virgin and that's not just a lie on his part so he can shag two women at once. If she is religious, I doubt she knows about you, do you want to be with someone who will lie to someone like that?

I also don't know any men who would actively pursue a relationship where sex was off the table until marriage. I would guess he finds the idea of taking her virginity a turn on, and he is planning to eventually get what he wants from her without marriage. This also fits with him keeping you around to fuck until he can 'have a go on' this other woman.