Dating a man who is seeing someone else

[magdaboom]

Hi all, I need some healthy perspective on a situation that is starting to bother me quite a bit. Long post, I am afraid.

I have been seeing this man for a month or so. I am nearly 28 and he is 45, so there is a significant age gap there. We are both single and no DC. We met at work, althought we don't work together directly.

We hit off really well and things have progressed quite quickly. We usually meet 2/3 times a week, we have dinner, I sleep at his, then we go out for a walk and breakfast the next day. All very lovely.

I got out of a LTR 6 months ago and I was not looking for another relationship, so at first I thought this was only going to be a casual thing.

He has been very vocal about his feelings for me, recently told me he is falling for me, that I am different from other women and blablabla. I don't know if I trust his words, although it is obviously nice to hear them. I am a lot more cautious about expressing my feelings so I don't really say much in comparison.

Last week he dropped in while I was having a drink with 3 friends and took us all for an impromptu dinner which he paid for. I was quite impressed as it was the first time he met any of my friends (I met some of his friends already) and he acted quite "boyfriend-like". It feels like things are heading towards relationship territory.

Now here's the problem: he has also been seeing this 21 years old woman for a couple of months. Apparently she is a virgin for religious reasons and they don't have sex, they go on dates and I guess they kiss/ maybe do foreplay. From how he talks about her it sounds like a casual thing, but then who knows?

He was always very open about it since the beginning, so it is not like he deceived me. At first I genuinely did not care, as I thought it was going to remain a casual thing between us.

But now I am starting to be bothered by the idea that he is seeing this woman. I also can't understand the nature of that situation, something sounds off to me.

At the same time it is such an early stage of dating that I feel it would be wrong to express these feelings. We are not dating exclusively and I am ok with that. I actually would not mind if he was dating around, but the idea of him consistently having some sort of a relationship with another woman is somewhat annoying me. I haven't been on dates since I started seeing him, but I am going on a date this coming week, partially to see if that makes me feel different about the whole situation.

I am considering to take some distance from this man as a result of the fact that he is seeing this woman. I feel like if I keep getting more involved, it will only get worse and I will potentially end up being hurt.

What do you all think? Should I end things now? Or am I overthinking this?

Is she real? Because is sounds like a sad middle aged mans fantasy, dating a 21 year old virgin fgs.

Then you have the talk, and decide after that if this is something you want to continue.

Echoing previous posters though that he clearly has a type of younger vulnerable women he can play rescuer to.

Troolspoop naaa nothing cultural, he is divorced and from Northern Europe (white) while she is African British. I really don't think he is looking for a virgin girl to marry, I think he is just enjoying himself.

If he's enjoying himself, why give it up?

It's for you to decide if you want to be involved in a casual set up, or more of a polyamorous relationship or of Actually you want more of a straightforward relationship.

He just seems very immature and sleaze for his age. 45 no children, no LTR, seeing 2 (maybe more ) women at the same time. Both quite young. .wonder why is that?Maybe because older women suss out his bs?

Urrrgh what a creep.

I don't think it means he is an honest person telling his relationship with the 21 yrs old.
it means I am with her take it or leave it. If you take it, it means u are naïve enough to accept a man who has another relationship.
I think he is sleazy, leave immediately and meet someone yr age.

If he had feelings for you, he wouldn't see another woman. The only feelings he hassle you are in his pants. Give your head a wobble and walk out with some dignity intact.

Just adding to the chorus of people here saying he us a real creep. Just because he is honest, it doesn't make him less than a creep. Urg at telling you she is a virgin. Surely that was said in confidence and not something to be divulged to other girlfriends. Makes me puke.

Yeah he is a creep. I did not care when I started seeing him and things were super casual, but now it is unacceptable.

Thanks all for your advices

I'm 46. I've heard a lot of lines in my life but a 21-year-old virgin and they don't have sex? That's a brand new one! I'm laughing. Good one!

This guy is a creep.

End it. 'This isn't working for me. I need to move on. It's been real. Best of luck.'

On a related note, do you reckon ending it with text would be ok after 6/7 dates over the course of a month? Or should I have a face-to-face conversation with him?

Since he's seeing someone else at the same time (bloody cheek), it seems more than casual, so I don't think you owe him a meet up at all. Just text him something bland ... I'm rubbish at textspeak (I dunno tell him you are moving on and seeing someone else!)

You don't owe him anything.
"Bye, it's been ok knowing you" will suffice.

only OK? Great line, clear and to the point .

Yes, this creep doesn't deserve "nice".

All credit Katie, its just one of those simple but cutting understatements that says so much more ...

Jeez, and here's me thinking my I had ridiculously high standards....I've cut guys off from OLD ( that seemed to be going very well & could well have blossomed into relationship ) until I saw that they have added a new photo to their profile. You've set your standards very low here allowing this. I just can't believe that you kind of think it's acceptable & that you are asking for advice here?! He's a twat, simple as.

And in response to how should you call it off.... quite simply I would just cut him off completely, don't answer his texts, calls etc. Why the hell on earth should you owe this guy a face to face conversation is beyond me.....it seems like you want to give him chance to ' explain himself ' .... nope... the fact that he's made it pretty clear that he has someone else in the pipeline should spell out to you that he isn't that interested ( if he was he wouldn't have told you about her ) he's telling you so that you know & quite frankly trying to say that you & him aren't serious!

"he's telling you so that you know & quite frankly trying to say that you & him aren't serious!"

Lou I am ok with things not being serious with this guy. That was the arrangement from the very beginning, at least from my perspective.

He tried very hard to convince me that he was falling for me and blablabla but that does not mean that all of a sudden I want a serious relationship with him.

I might have made a mistake agreeing to this casual thing with Mr. Sleazebag, but it is not like I ever thought (nor desidered) that we were going to swan off in the sunset together

Four words for him:

Cake and eat it.

You don't owe him a muthafucking thing much less a face-to-face conversation. No chances, no FA. I'd send him a text for my own satisfaction, along the lines of Katie's suggestion, or ghost him. Just block his arse.

OP it's only natural that humans develop feelings for another after spending time together. I mean who knows what can / would happen between you both. What I stated is how I would feel, but even though nobody knows how it's going to pan out, you deserve to be spending your time ( what is exciting at the early stages of meeting someone ) you deserve to be spending your time with someone who respects you regardless of the situation & this guy clearly doesn't. It's easy to pay for things & seem charming, as he is, but the simple manners & respect isn't there. I don't mean to be rude, so please don't take offence to anything I said, us women should have each other's backs here, up to you but it's not very nice & it's quite hurtful that he even mentions this other girl x

Oh dear.

Listen, I have 20 years of experience on you, and in the nicest way possible, you have been played, and he's so good at it, you don't even realise.

He is a 45 year old man, preying on young women, who can be moulded/coerced etc, whereas a woman of his own age and with a wealth of life experience would go tell him to go fuck himself at this set up.

The 21 year old isn't a virgin. He's fucking you both. He will be telling the 21 year old, that you are a virgin for religious purposes.

I would wager he can't pull women his own age. And it's creepy to find such young girls attractive imo. My DH is 44 and our eldest child is 20...there is no way that he would view a 21 year old as dating material (if he was single). FGS, what conversation can she bring to the table for a 45 year old? Not much. So, what would he see in her (that'll be the sex of course).

Please wake up. Anyway, let's say this relationship didn't have the added complication of him being a player....let's say the 21 year old didn't exist...how can you build a life with him? He's too old for you. Let's say you got married in 2 years, and started a family 2 years after that....he'll be 49/50. TOO OLD.

Ew. I am a similar age to this man, and he's a bit sad, IMO

The 'different from other women' is particularly twatty. Buttering you up whilst dissing other women.