I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

[RegretIsMyMiddleName]

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

He's a player/conman, and IMO the easiest way to deal with a player is to be straightforward and not give them space to set up their con. I would text him "You are not the man I thought you were. I have no interest in the tawdry, pathetic person you have turned out to be, so I will not be in contact with you again." Then block him. Don't try to explain yourself to him, or try to get him to understand how he has hurt you. All contact with him is just an opportunity for him to keep telling increasingly heart-rending lies until he hits on one that you believe.

If you have had good judgement about people up until now then I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. It seems to me that all cheating liars use OLD so the ratio of liars to honest people is much higher there than you would ordinarily find in real life.

When I met my DP, he was still living in the family home. DP and his ExW had got together young and got married when they found out she was expecting their first DC. He said they had drifted apart and were now just friends.
The difference is, it was all true. His ExW knew about me from the start and was very happy that DP had met someone new. He would take phone calls from her when with me (and vise versa) and she would ask how I was etc so I knew he wasn't stringing me along.
We also had mutual friends so I knew from them that they had been split for a while.

But the man you met wasn't honest, with you or his wife.

I know you must feel horrible, but you did nothing wrong. He is the cheat and liar.

The stuff about his kid being the most important person isn't true either or he wouldn't be actively seeking an affair. If he did ever leave his wife the kid would find out you were part of the reason and resent you. No good can come of this!!

OP, I came across this thread/site accidentally while trying to Google medical info for my child. I actually joined Mumsnet minutes go JUST so I could post a comment to you (even had to use a false postcode since I am in the U.S.). This is how desperate I am to give you some advice.
RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of the advice on this thread is spot on. I am 39 so have had years of experience with dating. I am now married to a wonderful man for 10 years now, and have had 4 children.
Years ago when I was in my very early 20's I fell hard in love for a handsome young guy. He lived with his mom and sister in the apartment below mine (met him when I had just moved in to the building). He was charming, gorgeous, fun, sexy, said all the right things.
He had told me he was previously married to someone 9 years older, and got divorced not to long before. He said his EX-wife still lived in the neighborhood (this was true, I had seen her before. This was a huge Russian neighborhood in Baltimore, and not uncommon for related Russian people to be living near each other or together, so didn't think much of it). He told me he occasionally had to go walk the dogs they had together (yes they had dogs together but didn't think anything of it...yes, young and stupid I was.
Anyway he wined and dined me...we went on some trips together and hung out with his friends.
Something weird though...I noticed he never wanted to walk into our building together (his ex-wife's building was across the street). If we got out of the car, he would RUN to get in the building first, or he'd wait in the car until I went in. (I can't believe I never asked WHY!)
So anyway...I thought things were going great, I thought he had strong feelings for me. He opened up to me about a lot of things, told me his ex-wife was infertile (which I did find out was true) and not being able to have kids had been really hard on them. He also talked about his relationship with his dad (his parents were divorced because his dad had cheated on his mom). I felt so close to him, that he was opening up to me about very personal issues. I also found myself really feeling sorry for him.
Then I got pregnant. I thought he would be surprised but supportive, but all HELL broke loose. He turned into a monster, said he didn't want the baby and if I had it he would never be around the child or give me any help. To say I was shocked is an understatement. He also screamed at me "My wife is going to kill me!!!". I had chills run down my back when he said that, because it was the moment I realized EVERYTHING had been a lie!!!!! He also sent his sister to harass me and convince me to have an abortion, which I eventually did go through with after realizing I couldn't have the baby on my own (I was evil though and did slip the bill for the abortion under his door where his mom found it and was blasted him). The day after I had the abortion and was home recovering, I heard laughter and looked out of my window and saw him walking hand-in-hand with his WIFE (found out they were never divorced, just living separately...I think I heard she had kicked him out for cheating..big shocker there!). I felt so sick in that moment, so devastated, so USED and thrown away like trash.
Thankfully, a year later I met my AMAZING, wonderful beautiful husband. :)))))))
I looked him up on facebook some years ago and saw countless pictures of him with different girls, partying, etc. He's def not with his wife anymore. As sad and devastated as I was to have that abortion, I know it was the right decision.
Please save yourself some major heartache...RUN RUN RUN while you can!!!! PLEASE, girl, RUN!!!!!!!

OP don't blame yourself for trusting. He knew you'd run a mile if he'd told you he was married upfront, so he's invested time and effort into making you feel special to him.

But now you know, your radar will be up when you go back to dating again.

BTW - It's interesting you found the thought of other women more bothersome that the fact he has a wife. On some level, that means you believe his spiel about his wife and him not being together, and that you are the special one that is going to make him happy. To be blunt - in this situation you aren't special, you're just good enough to be his bit on the side. That's no way for you to live. Fine someone who is free and thinks you are special enough to completely integrate into their life.

OverOn is right... I also found out that the douchbag, in addition to still being actually married, was seeing other girls as well at the same time. I wasn't "special". To this day, no one in my life has ever made me feel so USED and thrown away, than that guy.
These men are TOXIC. RUN!!!!!

When you are single in 30's it seems to be an actual thing that married men of similar ages sniff about - I have had my fair share - 5 to be exact if you want. Every single one of them approached me with the exact same script, the same words, the same everything was the same. Not one of them ever said 'I just want an extra shag on the side' because the script is what they are telling THEMSELVES internally to justify it; they don't really care what you think about it as long as you go along with it and believe it.

Out of these 5, (who I all turned down FYI) only one of them decided that he wasn't really happily married and a year later his wife left him because they actually were not happy.

The other 4 I understand had babies, bought houses, holidays etc etc with their 'loveless' wives and no doubt shagging about on nights out or other women they can convince of the script.

This is all about ego. All you will do is end up a used object when he gets cold feet that she will find out, divorce is too expensive so he will drop you and find a new one.

Why on earth are you still texting him? Block him and move on with your life.

Oh and stop feeling bad. You didn't know until he told you did you? So what did you do wrong? Nothing. But you have to walk away now

Been there. Dump him. I did when my guy said "let's have a baby!"

He came out with the classic wife stuff mentioned here. Terrible...

Wasn't with him long, but if I could erase justo one thing in my life...

OverOn You are right. Even more reason why I feel awful.

Rioja I haven't texted him. I have only just started this thread to try to make sense of my feelings. I've only said that he's texting me.

I know I need to leave and block but it's not coming so easily for me. I still somehow feel like it didn't really happen and that we'd go back to being normal. When I re-read our texts from yesterday morning about our plans it all seemed so exciting and normal - I was telling him about my work meeting and he was telling me how happy he was looking forward to seeing me! He was telling me that he preferred white wine to red and I was saying I preferred red. I mean fucking hell. It was all so normal. Just like the stages you go through in the early days of a relationship. Still so lovestruck and amazing. I miss him but I can understand that I miss the 'him' who I thought he was - not who he is. I can't do this. I feel broken apart.

Please let your next post be 'I've blocked him, I want nothing more to do with the cheating toad'.
Be a decent person and dump him. Do not be his OW. Fallen for him hard? Tough, I'm sorry he's not yours to fall for and now that you know this, please walk away.

You are not horrible, it wasn't your fault. But not only did he cheat on his wife and family he lied to you and totally took advantage of you. He is a lying, devious arse wipe and you deserve better.

You can do this. You really can. You owe it to yourself not to get involved with a manipulative, lying cheat.

I know it's a shock but I'm hoping you feel disgust too! Don't romanticize what you THOUGHT he was, or what you thought your relationship was. It was all a lie. Better to find out now and get out without too much hurt. I agree with the other ladies, if he's cheating on his wife he'll do it to you too. That's another reason I decided to have the abortion...once I found out who he was I knew that if I had the baby he wasn't going to magically change his mind and be a loyal devoted partner, I saw in my mind's eye a future where I would be forever connected to this man, and would have to watch him date other women (and eventually one day marry and have a family with another woman), while me and my child would be thrown scraps and heartache. I couldn't do it.
Like Maya Angelou once said..."When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

if it helps to put any of his texts on here, we'd be only too glad to, um,
shall we say change any lingering associations you may have with them?

We might even make you laugh.

Actually - we are being remiss. What about real life? I have you told any RL friends yet? If you can't face it, can you at least organise some cinema trips/coffees.

he did say that they haven't slept together for months and they are growing apart

They all say that.

Being the other women isn't dirty

OP, at the point you were seeing this man you were unaware that he was married and as such you were innocent. Now that you know the truth you are no longer a victim and if you carry on seeing him you will be complicit in deceiving his wife and potentially be partly responsible for the breakdown of his marriage.

If you had met e.g. Through friends or work or an event and had gone from being friends to an affair I could concede that perhaps his marriage was miserable and he had ended up in an affair (still not justified but it happens.) However, you met him on an online dating site. That means that he has deliberately gone to the lengths of creating a profile, writing something about himself, what did he say about his past, was he single? Divorced? Separated? Any references to his having children in the mix? Because if he hadn't mentioned children most women wouldn't want to find out some dates down the line that there were children in the equation as well even if he was separated.

He will have gone on dates with women before you, he will have told them all a similar story. None of that adds up to feeling he has to stay for the kids.

Don't look at his texts, they're all based on a lie anyway. Delete his texts, block his number and never speak to him again.

I think someone asked how old you are (don't remember if you replied with an answer). I mention my age, because life experiences change you. I can look back on my past relationships (the one I described above as well as others) with a completely different POV than I had when I was younger. I was more desperate for attention, admiration, even love...when I was younger. Interesting, because I was so pretty and in shape back then (lol having 4 kids um, changes your body), yet my self esteem was a tiny fraction of what it is now. If I could be who I am now, and time travel back then and slip into that young body of mine, I would not have put up with ANY of the BS I did at that age, I would not have cried so many tears, etc.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but the way you write, you remind me of my younger self. :( When you feel secure and have strong self-esteem, you don't put up with this kind of BS for a split second.
Dust yourself off and keep walking....the guy is a loser. You deserve more than to me one of his toys. Don't fall for his stories, like I did. Be smarter than I was....

smash I haven't told anyone in RL. In fact my friends currently think I'm dating someone great. I can't imagine how I'd even begin to explain what happened. I've basically harped on about him to them like he was my future husband and father to my kids. I feel a lot of shame.

He said that I am the most amazing woman he's ever come across and would love to have me as his wife and mother of his kids. He said he always thinks about me. He said he's never been this much in love. He said I am his first and only priority.

He's your standard cheater.

I'm not in love with her.

She doesn't understand me

We're like roommates

Only together for the kids.
(those kids he was happy to be away from while signing up for OLD, wooing you, then having sex with you)

He will not leave her. You'll be the OW for years if you stay with him and how can you trust him when he deceived you from day 1.

You need an STD test. He's likely a professional serial cheat.

Nothing special about him.

*Don't be a man's dirty little secret. If you continue now, you're complicit in an affair and nobody will have any sympathy for you.

You need to remember this.

He now has form for cheating on his wife.

If you end up being a couple with him, he will do it again. To you.

They always do.

He said ....
He said ....
He said....
He said ....

Time to stop thinking about what "he said" OP - all he has said is a big fat bunch of lies.

You do know now you cannot believe a word "he said" now don't you?

I don't u derstand why you haven't blocked him yet and why you're listening to his bullshit.