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Original poster

I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

390 replies

RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 13:56

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

OP posts:
fallenempires · 17/03/2017 15:29

Well what did happen last night then?

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 15:31

Clearly she slept with him.

As I might have done when younger.

He planned it that way.

Her decision moment is now not last night.

Original poster
RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 15:32

xStef When he told me I basically asked for the bill and left. I had gone outside to sort out a cab and he came out and said he wanted me to give him the opportunity to explain and that he was sorry. To my eternal shame we went to another bar where he said all these things I now know to be the script. After that I thanked him (!) and said I was leaving.

The whole day he's been texting me saying various things about loving me and wanting to be with me and being sorry and that he just wants to be with me.

I feel shame and disgust at myself.

OP posts:
1horatio · 17/03/2017 15:33

He also said this. It's not the right time at the moment as his child is only 5 and the child is the most important person in his life. He said when the time is right he will leave

When is this right time? When the child is 7? 8? or maybe during the "difficult teenage" years?

He asked me to just be patient and understanding.
I wonder if he's expecting the same of his wife.

He said their relationship ended years ago. It's now just a friendship.

Trust me, she does not feel the same. If she did he would have told her and it would be fine and dandy.

There may be a wife sitting somewhere waiting for her husband. Or a little child wondering why his mummy is so sad or his daddy so distant.

Am I using emotionally charged language? Yes. Why...? Well, I was the child wondering why daddy wasn't home as often anymore, why mummy was so sad etc. The actions of this man will most likely have real life consequences and create so much pain to the people he's supposed to care about...

Is this your fault? Currently not, no. But if you stay with him? Well, then you're the one enabling this behaviour.

Walk away. Look for a man that doesn't lie to you, respects you enough to not make you the OW...

Original poster
RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 15:34

I often lurk on this board and hear about these sort of men - so I can't actually understand why it didn't occur to me that I was with one. It's almost as though I have zero self-awareness.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 17/03/2017 15:34

Why are you turning his actions onto yourself; do you mean you slept with him and that's why?

1horatio · 17/03/2017 15:34

I feel shame and disgust at myself.

But currently? You have done nothing wrong. There's no need for these feelings.

And you deserve better.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 15:37

OP

It's different when it happens to you.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 15:38

So no sex?

I'll admit to being impressed.

fallenempires · 17/03/2017 15:39

Well now you know the truth and also about the cheats' bible aka 'The Script' why are you still engaging with him?

mogonfoxnight · 17/03/2017 15:39

I can see how he could be in the marriage as "friends" so that he does not become p/t dad, but not how he could have dtd and basically had a relationship with you without being honest with you until now. If there is a seed of doubt in your mind, tell him you want no contact until he has told his wife about you and she has confirmed to you that she is in agreement about the "just freinds" status. Doubt that would happen but it would at least give you breathing space to get your thoughts together without him tugging at your heart strings. And you will probably decide to move on!

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 15:39

But whatever physical contact there was or wasn't is a distraction.

LateDad · 17/03/2017 15:44

It seems to me that OP is a victim here and doesn't deserve any blame -- but rather understanding, support and probably a virtual hug or two.

I haven't seen any actual blame being handed out in this thread ... but in some places it's getting close.

ipkin · 17/03/2017 15:47

What is 'the script'? He did say that he is only with her because of his child. He doesn't want to be a 'part-time' father in his words

Ouch, classic. Similar happened to me once, but the girlfriend was pregnant. I'd been very fond of him up until that point, but that told me a lot of what I needed to know about him as a person. I never saw him again.

nigelforgotthepassword · 17/03/2017 15:48

Don't beat yourself up op-you won't be the first or the last to be taken in by an accomplished liar.

Do block him now though.You've given him enough time and headspace-he isn't worth it.

Twingler · 17/03/2017 15:49

I have a male friend with a cheating, attention seeking partner. I was friends with her until I saw who she really was. I once saw her on a night out and she quickly left. Got chatting to a bloke who knew her who told me she was always there with different men. I mentioned her boyfriend and he said 'yeah, but there's no real relationship there anymore, is there'. That's what she told everyone but it would've been news to him. She's now pregnant with their second child. So much for their non-existent relationship... He was sat at home looking after his daughter and step daughter while she was out badmouthing him and sleeping with other men. They all say the same things and a load of shit.

AutumnRose1988 · 17/03/2017 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bignamechangeroonie · 17/03/2017 15:51

You don't have zero self awareness !

This fucking arsehole went on online dating to con a woman into fucking him !

He did this deliberately! He didnt accidentally fill in an online dating profile Hmm

He didn't accidentally not tell his wife he was datingHmm

He didn't accidentally FORGET to tell you he was married and had a kid BEFORE you fucked himHmm

HE DOESNT HAVE FUCKING AMNESIA - HE HAS BASTARD CUNTYNESS !

No one EXPECTS to be conned, no one expects some fucking arsehole to lie like Walter Cunting Mitty to get laid

It's NOT YOU, It's him. Just don't make the mistake of meeting him again, you didn't fall for him you fell for who the UTTER FUCKBASTARD PRETENDED to be.

Poor you FlowersFlowersFlowers

WeAllHaveWings · 17/03/2017 15:51

Pity he didn't shared this information with you before he got into your knickers heart.

He's now interviewing you for the part of his mistress.

He doesn't have any real feelings for you, he may be fond of you and want you for now but it's not real.

Run.

ShakingAndShocked · 17/03/2017 15:52

God I feel for you OP as you clearly had no clue - and why would you? This one is clearly an uber accomplished liar (just THINK of all of the times you were together when he, wholly successfully, hid every truth about himself and his life? and you are not to remotely blame for falling victim to him.

But painful as it is, just imagine the actual scale of this. If he can dupe a woman as smart as you into what was a relationship and then into bed, then clearly he'll have achieved the same with others. And no, he and his wife are NOT 'friends' - they are man and wife and I guarentee you they still live as such. You were literally his bit on the side.

PLEASE remember the guy you fell for simply does not exist. You fell for the veneer and polished act he gave you, you are not at fault for that. But you would be if you continued to even entertain idea of cotinuing a relationship with him.

What's horrific - bordering on abusive IMHO - is what must have been in your respective heads when you first DTDSadAngry For you it must have been (or felt like, as now know it wasn't 'real') that delicious progression from dating to love-making, knowing this was a relationship that was building. For him - irrespective of the mask he wore - it was succeeding in getting his leg over after having successfully duped you. It is nauseating and you have my utmost sympathies.

Were I his wife (with whom he is very much with, sleeps with, spends weekends with etc), I would want to know but I get that others think that's not your place but if it were me I'd be begging you to tell me. And it would NOT be you 'blowing up his family' - that would be him, on account of posing as a single man looking for love via OLD. What an utter UTTER cuntAngry

AutumnRose1988 · 17/03/2017 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weeblueberry · 17/03/2017 15:54

Not sure if I've missed something but you've not actually said you're not planning on seeing him again?

BeMorePanda · 17/03/2017 15:55

He scammed you, it happens - a lot.

Sorry you've been hurt - but I'm not sure your radar was faulty - he is also scamming his wife who is living with him!!!

Megatherium · 17/03/2017 15:55

He said when the time is right he will leave.

A friend of mind fell for that one. She waited. And waited. And waited. Although she wanted children, she still waited through to the menopause. And eventually, sure enough, the time was right, he left his wife. And married a completely different woman.

CotswoldStrife · 17/03/2017 15:56

smashedinductionhob Don't give him the gift of your sorrow.

This is brilliant (and relevant).

Just dump him, end of. Block his number and don't reply to the texts.